i woke up EARLY this morning; east coast friends could concur...they saw me on IM. i had to run an errand down by the Farm today. it was a nice drive; it's been a while since i found some quality time to myself. i've been online a lot lately, and i finally got my friend to regulate and keep me in check. i'm going to do something productive before i log onto IM. i think i just want to find some human contact when i'm alone in my little room; i just like to know that someone is out there listening/talking to me. having the buddy list there (so accessible) gives me a sense of security that i can easily turn to. but alas, i have so much other work to do...gotta stop.

God is trying to teach me a lesson...sometimes you just can't have what you want. i can easily fall prey to the temptations of pride, envy, and desire. maybe because i feel like i need to fill up a void in my life or because i am living without a sense of purpose, meaning, or direction. so i ask myself: "what is it that i REALLY want for myself?"

funny, but somehow, my answer has been all the motivation that i need to move toward a more joy-filled life and away from the fear-based existence that has kept me from asking this question...

so i randomly logged on to several different blogs yesterday. after the ski trip, i am able to put names and faces together...funny, but i find it somewhat intruding. an invasion of privacy almost. even though the blogger is a public forum, i still feel like i'm reading/learning about other people without them knowing. i guess the truth is, they wouldn't have minded in the first place since the day they hopped onto this wagon, eh?

so i guess certain people continue to go along with the idea of objectifying women as cars. hmm....maybe i'm just playing devil's advocate, not willing to give in, but somehow i cannot lay that thought to rest until i've had my fair share of thinking and tweaking at it. in the car ride home from tahoe, i was really just talking to "the minds" for the sake of debating and arguing on behalf of females. i knew something was not right in this comparison, but i wasn't sure what i felt and what i wanted to say (i admit) until this morning. i was driving down 280 (yeah, i know i work and live in SF, but i was running a personal errand...go figure!) and spending time in my lovely dependable, reliable, family-oriented, big-butt avalon gave me a chance to just sit back, relax and enjoy the ride. going 55 on the freeway was unusual for me, but traffic was taking control, not i. so while driving and thinking, i was itching to find a keyboard to blog my thoughts down. inspired by Steven Ma, my lack of patience (those who know me best know i NEED to get to my destination) was soon diminished into nothing....his mesmerizing voice in the background soothed my otherwise irked feeling of being objectified. let me set this straight, i'm not offended, but somewhat unsettled by the fact that these people haven't put much thought into this, and they're basing this on stereotypes. it's a weak comparison and a weak argument. i will have to give them credit that it can come across as a clever comparison, but i think this is only valid as a "first impression" idea. you see a hot girl who's decked out, polished, with an air of i'm-ready-to-rock-your-world attitude...you think wow! she's the one i want to hang out with tonight...like that impulsive buy for the porsche. is she really high-maintenance though? how can you tell? maybe she was dressed up for a party? do not forget that she has a personality of her own...because she is HUMAN. why do people string stereotypes onto someone who they've just met at the beginning? a car is an inanimate object and "its" qualities are finite. can we put a price tag on a girl? can we accessorize a girl as we can...put spoilers, attach new rims, clear corners, and lower our civics? girls have a mind of their own. personally, i have done that myself...judge people at the beginning. you think, she's whiny, prissy, and very dramatic...better stay away from her roller coasters. maybe in reality, she was just having a bad day when i met her, and she's really a rather sweet, caring person who is NOT high maintenance at all. we often do that, judge someone based on the cover, our first encounter, our first impressions. i live by a motto of: do only what you want people do to you. maybe because i do not want other people to judge ME from their first encounter. we each have so much to offer, as an individual...i want to be creditted as bonnie, not average jane...or not the somewhat rambunctious-loud-always-in-jeans-type-of-girl. i want people to know me as who i really am. do you know me? have you taken the time to get to know me? as a gemini, i can be two-sided! i cannot deny that i judge people myself, but i've been working to improve that. because everyday, i learn something new about someone, whether he or she is a new or old friend. that's what makes life exciting...these societal stereotypes that interfere with our otherwise innocent minds...heck with them! pure your mind of unnecessary thoughts...until today, you may not have been able to hear what people are saying to you. just for today, close your eyes when you are in a conversation. HEAR every word that is spoken through the center of your and their hearts as well....

just my $0.02. just had to. =)

the combination of little sleep, emotional highs, and non-stop chitchatting this weekend has placed a toll on my not-so-great-shape body. working and thinking efficiencies have gone down...conversations have been slow. i think it's time for a vacation...

even though i may come across as young and impressionable...often feeling the tugging of my indecisive mind, i feel very strongly about the passions that resonate from my beating heart. someone has called me "idealistic--a type that's hard to find nowadays." someone has called me "young at heart." i may come across as dawson's counterpart, living in the world between dream and reality...with very little baggage attached to my shoulders. the truth is (according to my LA friend), i am not nearly as idealistic as i used to be. we all live our fair share of dramas; i definitely have my ups and downs. maybe they've only seen the highs and not the lows. because with someone such as myself who believes in dreaming so much, hoping for the best in most (if not all) situations, the highs become higher and lows become lower. there are still many things that make me worry, get me scared...that these unmet expectations will one day teach me what failure truly means...but not to say that i haven't experienced "blows" either. i have had my disappointments--hurdles in life that made me fall HARD. i have had a long history of being "dromantic" and those over-analyzed situations have kept my spirits down. but at the same time, i cannot deny that my comfort zone and support system at home (and away from home) have kept me alive, kept my passions running, kept me who i am today. maybe it's this revelation that keeps me as hopeful as i can be. He has also blessed me with many true friends, that listen and advise...and believe in me. and these instances have created lasting impressions on me...

so i was busily working in lab this morning, in the TC room (bio folks...you should be familiar!)...the radio was on. each song sparked a new thought, reminded me of a situation, or a remark, or simply a gesture that brought a slight smirk onto my face. (i checked and made sure "smirk" was what i had in mind...and yes, a self-satisfied smile). these lasting impressions....#1: i remembered when tboy commented on how "gracefully" i have made myself comfortable in such a new environment. for me, it came across as a really sweet compliment. i was unaware that people or even myself would notice, but i guess it happens...that's the beauty of it. when you're doing something subconsciously, yet someone notices and takes appreciation...wow! how nice! #2: as we were delivering stories within the car (tahoe ride), artsy boy seemed to be the one who knew me best. maybe from my blogs? yet, i always thought...why would anyone subject himself to such boredom? but what impressed me was that he had a really accurate depiction of who i am (esp. when he described my "interest types")...kinda scary to be honest, but at the same time, for a new friend to know...it shows that there are people out there listening to what i have to say. #3: my best friend's leaving for MIT: apparently, she has been in correspondence with my daddy and uncle through email...re: leaving for MIT, wishing her good luck...etc. i had no idea. she recently forwarded me several emails of how they (dad/uncle) both asked her to continue to support me and advise me "frequently to keep my spirits up." gkim continued: "they love you. and so do i." i cannot begin to describe how moved i was to read the email. i cannot put the feelings down on paper because it would never do it justice. instantly, i got teary-eyed. i missed home. i missed my family and friends. #4: so on AIM recently, i came across sounding unusually abrasive to a friend. i accused him of using "a guy line" on me...so he immediately called me back and told me that he's watching out for me. it's funny, really, because he was really worried that our "trust" factor was broken. the way he ended up worrying...it was cute. i feel blessed that i AM taken care of...really. #5: my LA girl-friend said she is noticing certain peculiarities in the way i'm "dealing with" my friends up in SF--how i'm extremely patient with some critical and distant people...haha!. i don't know why...just made me rethink about what she said...so it made an impression on me...that's all.

we often underestimate these little things in life. one-liners that seem inrelevant, gestures that seem trivial, eye contacts that may not be noticed...sure, in the big picture, it's just something that comes and goes. but it's these SIMPLE things that make MY heart sing...lalalala

Tahoe Ski Trip....

RIDES:
how we bonded…since I didn’t know anyone in my car-group (from original list), I anticipated my ride to tahoe to be a long and awkward one. Even though this last-minute combination seemed awfully different from the others, however, I daresay our uniqueness and randomness probably outlasted the enthusiasm of other cars. With our somewhat dumb-n-dumber-like-attitude, we each instigated clever, daring conversations that became ONE of my four highlights for this ski trip. we each participated at a level of mediocrity that was stress-free, pressure-free, and most importantly, limit-free. we were extremely honest and open with each other; a quality that impressed and interested me at the same time. the combination of tboy’s dry humor, talker’s “listening-skills,” camera boy’s artsy pitstops, and my tomboyish charm (haha!)…we got to know each other in a personal, yet harmless way that piqued our curiosities…but also leaving plenty of breathing room to uphold our mystiques. Not all but enough was revealed to allow us to bond...we were the ONLY group that arrived fashionably late to tahoe on Friday night, but the three guys taught me how to “live life” and “be patient.” heads up to some of my SoCal friends..it was no longer a novel idea for bonnie to eat Mexican food, since we ate it on the way up and down….haha (go figure!). the ride up would not have been complete of course without the boys’ affirmation to listen to NSYNC! in a clockwise fashion, we also shared our philosophies on topics ranging from gw’s book of questions to first impressions to relationship-issues. I must shamefully admit that I chose to leave them for a faster car at the end of our journey, NOT because I had qualms with american, but the japanese offered.

So, the dynamics of the conversation changed. With 5 people in this packed accord, the environment was a bit more intense. my femi-nazi attitude probably aroused more attention than called for…though I felt the need to back my own kind. the talks came off sounding a bit more offensive (though challenging), maybe because there were three argumentative minds? Not sure. but we each butted heads and the 1.5 hours of conversation never ceased to stop. how amazing! i must say…the combination of these three minds (HIGHLIGHT #2) in any situation can be quite competitive, but definitely worth picking.

SNOWBOARDING (HIGHLIGHT #3):
A blast…how can it not be? first time in tahoe, first time on group-outting, first time being in a real "snowed in" environment...who cares about hitting my head backwards (several times)? who cares if I literally flew off the lift ‘cause of dlu? who cares if will and jc tried to scare me from behind? I had quality talks on each lift ride, received pointers from boarding pros (TN/JH/GL), appreciated how E. W. and S. took care of me, and successfully landed several lifts…i noticed that chi was probably my constant factor...must be my lucky charm. it was definitely a bonding moment. sometimes you don't need a perfect environment to make yourself happy...i was happy simply with the company.

Saturday NITE:
Despite the many hurdles that night--car trouble, weather problems, transporting people back, food decisions--we managed to all hang out under one roof and have fun. taboo...reminded me of my irvine friends. haha, it's funny to see how each one responds. no one is exceptionally good, or bad (ah hem!), but it's funny to see the different strategies people use to play the game. i attempted to play chinese chess again, but that didn't go far when i knew i would never be able to compete with the other "minds." other groups were playing cards, drinking (water) games, and making snow-angels shirtless. i continued to have several good conversations about life with mr. whiny and the other two "minds;" they thought i wouldn't be able to teach my kids chinese. i begged to differ.

SunDAY:
wow...guys are always into mischief! they barricaded us and built a wall of snow on our front and back doors. i had to capture this on camera...for proof. they will soon be charged (somehow)...but, it was EASILY knocked down by vickie's girlpower....easily. must have been built by weaklings! =) then before we headed out again, we had several snowball fights (HIGHLIGHT #4). gosh, it was like sweden all over again. somehow, this trip reminded me a lot like my study abroad experience. but this time, the fights were down and dirty...i was tempted to "play" several times, but i held back, thinking....nah, i'm not that competitive yet....but THEN, DS provoked me! how dare?!? what was he thinking...i don't remember what was really happening; all i knew was that my adrenalin rush told me: "his head down." so while pinning him down onto the snow, i just recalled piling snow on his face consistently, as if to bury his head! of course there was retaliation...i was down; i no longer had control; oohh....my small group leader came to the rescue...we both jumped onto DS! hahaha...another "fight" between the three of us.

the drive was long. but nevertheless, the day ended nicely...in addition, i learned (another epiphany) that maybe i AM an introvert--contrary to what i always thought of myself to be. a very intelligent friend pointed that out to me...the way i think, the way i observe...categorizes me more as an introvert than an extrovert. i guess i was always wrong in thinking that extroverts were social butterflies...so when my long time 6-foot friend called, he confirmed it for me. oh it was so nice to catch up with 6-foot. it's been so long; somehow, the dynamics of our conversations have changed as well. maybe it's part of growing up. he sounded a bit wiser, a bit more mature...as if he truly understood what i was saying....sometimes i don't even understand myself! and then...even later that night, i was awakened by another phone call...it was nice though, despite the hour, to untangle some knots in my mind...

epiphany 1 (what i took away from this weekend): if you should encounter angry words or unkind actions...take a deep breath, reach deep within yourself and greet the lack of love with love. it is often easy to respond to human unkindness with human unkindness. as difficult as it is, i hope to devote myself to greeting everything and everyone with the gentle kindness of love...

i think this and the previous post warrant an explanation. after lumps on thursday night, i felt somewhat vulnerable that my feelings about gkim leaving were posted on this public forum. you're probably wondering, duh! isn't what online journalling is all about? exactly. i did fear that my previous posts would make me come across as a drama queen...yet, they were my introspective thoughts at that time when i was writing/typing. after careful thought, i realized...in a real journal, i would not be able to delete my thoughts so easily; i guess i was silly to think that i could. for those avid readers out there, sorry for the confusion...i've just been having mixed feelings, that's all.

[1/24/2002 10:17:20 AM | bonnie pau]
hmm...interesting morning...was VERY pleasantly surprised...ooh, i'm bad at keeping my mouth shut...so, can't write anymore now. =) stay tuned.

how about a recap instead: last night...despite a long arduous day at work, i wanted to see gkim, so i made a trip into berkeley. we went to a fancy-smancey "date" restaurant--it being too pricey, we split an entree. i ate the whole half loaf of bread at the beginning...it was 9:30pm and i was hungry! the california swordfish was amazing! i absolutely love everything about fish--catching, eating, scaling (yeah right!). with a list of gourmet desserts, we finally narrowed it down to two: sierra beauty apple tart with meyer's lemon ice cream OR hazelnut tart with espresso cream. now, how can anyone resist either of them, right? so, as unfortunate as it would be for our waistlines, i insisted on ordering both!

that girl was especially hyper last night...we talked about everything, though our conversations always had a peculiar way of ending up on the topic of boys. Apparently, she has found her new obsession: NCB. this ain't initials, sorry! it's an acronym...haha. what makes her such a close friend is the fact that she can pick up all my (subconscious or conscious) insinuations! it's rather embarrassing, but funny. we giggled our way back home, picked up will, and headed up the mountain to the make-out point of LBL lab. she drew parallels to the previous friday night when we visited twin peaks: always two girls and a guy. you'd never see such a view in lil ole irvine...maybe suicide hill. the view was sparkling with city lights, yet unmoved and quiet. the capture of this paradox stemmed probably from my moods...i was talking but unusually reticent. after our 15-minute-journey around LBL, we dropped off will and grace drove me back to my car. i sat there in her car for several seconds, speechless. she said, "go, hurry up"...in a somewhat reluctant, yet forceful tone. we both knew we didn't want to cry, nor see each other cry. we got out of the car; i hugged her, spoke my incomprehensible stream of consciousness, demanded that she takes good care of my best friend, and retrieved into my car with a half-smile, half-frown. i couldn't say goodbye. in fact, i didn't. before i closed my car door, i yelled, "hey, we made it through the times when you went to berkeley, it's just you going to berkeley part II...no worries!" she glanced back also expressionless like myself and started her car. as we drove off onto the freeway, there was a fork in the road...either to Oakland or to SF. somehow i wanted to follow, but i realized early on enough to turn the other way and headed back to where i belong...
[edit]

[1/23/2002 5:23:37 PM | bonnie pau]
i think i've been in denial. my best friend IS leaving on friday and i won't be able to see her for a while. her life will start over at MIT while things in SF and irvine will go on. though we will be experiencing similar things, we will be experiencing them in different places--a distance between us that seems incomprehensible. i try to hang out with her, treating our time together as just another outting. but deep down inside, there's a sense of longing for her to stay...and a sense of misery that seems to suffocate me when i think too much about her leaving. when i go out with other people, i know i'm denying the inevitable truth, numbing myself from the pain of thinking. i feel like parts of me are being ripped away by a monster...my heart is bolted and locked as tight as possible, but still, it's tearing into pieces. i'm confused. i want to cry. i want to fight against this claustrophobia--the walls of despair that seems to be coming down onto me. but i know i can't. because she is already doing the crying...i want her to have strength when she sets foot onto that plane. i want her to know she will be okay.

i can beat myself up and think, why had i not been a better friend when she was in berkeley? why had i not visited her more often? no, i was a good friend. i did all i could as her best friend. she knows. that is why she and i are reacting this way. unfortunately, the time will come, but it will also go. we have always developed a strong friendship 500 miles apart, what difference would it make if she's in boston and i'm in SF? she has taught me so much about herself, about friendship, and most importantly, about myself. she dares to say i'm wrong even when i'm sensitive, to slap me upside down when i'm at fault, to point out my idiosyncracies (and love them!) when i'm being bonnie, to listen when i overexhaust my conversations, and of course to eat ice cream when it's freezing outside. together, we have jumped through puddles, made tea-colored projects, cried over boys, talked in our sleeps, seeked God--turned away--and ultimately believing again, hung out at police dept. downtown past midnight (ask me, if you dare!), hung out at gay-safeway (with another gay-boy...just kidding!), and even now..panicked when police lights were flashing in the rearview mirror. so many memories, the list goes on and on! but with our whole lives ahead of us, i can only imagine the richer and deeper bond our friendship has and continue to carry. i guess, i should just take the chains, bolts, and locks from the door of my heart and let the monster in. what can it do but just sit there and be. and at any given moment, i can get up and leave. it has no control because i know my best friend will always be my best friend. i pray that God will bless her in all corners of her life as she moves out to MIT (whether she chooses to adopt a new identity or stay her zany-self)...as He has done for me.
[edit]

i don't know why, but i decided to cut out my last three postings. my true fans probably read them already because i got several comments....but maybe the blogs got a little too personal? and i felt vulnerable? i'm not sure...too many thoughts are running through my mind right now...just kinda want to keep things close to my chest at this point. very uncharacteristic of me...

what a day! ahh...i think i'm beginning to fall in love with SF...actually, i'm falling in love with the people i'm meeting here in SF. i miss my family (along with my imaginary friend,..haha), but the company i have here is incredible...warm, funny, sincere, and most importantly, real.

what strikes me this instant is to find my friend's blogspot updated...someone who i never imagined to join the wonders of blogspotting! what a pleasant surprise! i must give him kudos for filling my computer screen with entertainment. i wonder what inspired him, i wonder why he decided to continue...i guess my misconceptions may have been wrong...there's still hope, and there's more to learn about this mystique...=)

yeah, i'm still up. i want to capture the moment and write down what i saw and learned before i forget...not that impressionistic moments will so easily be forgotten...it's just really my excuse to stay up late. it's way past midnight and i just got back from watching an exciting game of chinese chess. okay, i tried to join in too, but i am such a neophyte...i just don't compare. how the two quick minds turned, how each stayed a move ahead of the other, how the game turned out to be a draw...i'm really impressed. one's a realistic idealist--very patient, very accomodating. the other is a ham (i've just learned)--a person who kinda "wants attention, throw a bit of cheese, and a touch of self embarrassment." what a match.

so it was the hams' birthday party and we all celebrated at koi palace...yummy food...i am now inspired to cook better. then again, it's no fun when i have no one to cook for (ie - no one to compliment regardless of how it tastes since it's free food!). i learned that my "sisters" have a lot of self-discipline. one chose to go home early to do work, and the other chose not to spend money lavishly. where have i been? i always considered myself to be mature and wise, but in reality, i am only a kid. my parents would probably appreciate it more if i were more responsible. work hard, play hard...isn't that the college motto that i never experienced?

prior to dinner, i went to hear a poetry reading at cafe neibaum-coppola...sounds like i'm being artsy, eh? that's one of the things that makes my SF life VERY different from the one in irvine. i am willing to take the time and energy out of my busy schedule to indulge myself in culture. the story, "dating a dead girl (yeah, go figure!)" was read by C.W.Morgan, an actor who looked strikingly familiar--apparently, he was in Scream, but i can't remember what character he played. it was a nice little outting to get to know gw, jc, and flew a bit better. i'm glad i got to share some interesting conversations with each of them...the night did not stop however, especially when i found myself carrying on some quality conversations with the quick-minded counselor and the shy, yet bold "ham." there was definite entertainment--especially with the dogpile on the birthday boy. but it would have been even more perfect if my evan-jaron friend was present.

well, time to sleep, gotta give my friend a wake-up call tomorrow. heh, i think i need one myself...

during the past week/end, i've been trying to seize the moment with every chance possible. hmm, a thought just crossed my mind...is it "seizing" or "ceasing?" can i not stop the moment to capture the essence of true happiness in God's comfort? sometimes you can do so much within a given day..you have very little time to reflect. i've been tiring myself out somewhat. with gkim leaving for MIT soon, i want to cherish every minute with my best friend...because i know i will miss her. i'm incredibly proud of her for going. but at the same time, my life in SF will not be the same. if she chose to stay (which she contemplated for a while), i would still convince her to go, because there is so much to see...that big exciting world out there...st. augustine put it best, if you don't travel and explore, you only read one page in your book.

i turned in one of my applications on friday; it was a great relief for me. i've been putting a lot of pressure on myself because i want to do it right. i felt like during the past week, i was spending every waking minute, thinking, editting, and improving what could be the best work from me. sometimes i just have to learn to let go and realize that i don't always need to be "in control." friday night, i went to crepevine again...i'm beginning to fall in love with that place. i also visited twin peaks; i've seen it from afar, but being on top is a completely liberating experience. saturday, i chilled with my best friend and we went to see amelie. how should i put it? it's a feel-good movie. amelie is a hynoptic romantic comedy that allows you to savor the taste of love from all angles. the athletic spirit dazzles with mystique; her charisma leaves the audience yearning for more of her idiosyncracies. somehow, there were parts of the movie that i thought...eh, i can relate, how scary! even gkim agrees that my passionate nature can be just as peculiar (sometimes, mind you!). my 6-foot friend says it's me taking pleasure in the simple things...i personally think it just adds character to an otherwise mundane life.

sunday was quite an...um...adventure. i've attemped to blog twice now about the experience; yet, it has successfully deleted itself every time. maybe it's a sign to be forgotten. to make a long story short, the drama of trying to find tahoe for snowboarding became a futile attempt. after exploring northern california (boonyville) for about six and a half hours along with receiving a ticket for going 75 in a 65 zone, my friends and i decided to turn back and head home even though we were only 61 miles away from our attempted destination. on the flip side, we bonded for a total of 9 hours in the car, realized three minds are NOT necessarily better than one (even if one is heading for MIT...=)...), and learned that a heavenly Dove ice cream bar will provide instant gratification for absolutely anything...trust me on this one! hey, the lesson for the day is: it's not what you do, but who you do it with...

monday was a holiday, yeah! maybe because it was gloomy and wet, but watching black hawk down wasn't the best idea. i liked it, don't get it wrong; it made me realize how little i knew about mogadishu and how unaware i was about the world when entering high school in '93. it's not a chick flick, but definitely worth watching for the documentary and history of war...i'm somewhat politically passionate about this topic, especially now. it makes us appreciate our democracy and freedom a bit more. feel free to talk to me about this, or better yet, play devil's advocate...

two days ago my friend found out he got into his dream business school. this was so great! all the anticipation had finally come to an end. i was very happy for him...no happy would not do justice. i was ecstatic, almost as if "i" had gotten in myself. i recall walking into my room on tuesday, looking at the clock, and realizing...dang! he should be home and he should know by now. i was living vicariously through his excitement; somehow, it offered a glimpse of hope, that silver lining, that can easily abandon us when we fight against hurdle after hurdle everyday. maybe this was what my week was....fighting and surviving against the pressures and stresses of my very own situation.

i really have nothing to worry about---at least not yet. but all through my life, i've been fighting to being my very best. i keep trying to show Him what I was really made for. i keep working for the things that i feel is bigger and greater than what He has laid out for me. that drive, that ambition...God has made me who i am with special ideas in mind, yet i wish i was in it for the planning. i probably would have removed the lazy and worrisome part in me that i continually fight with.

i've been feeling very under the weather lately; i stay up late, have very little sleep, and think about all the ramifications of doing this and doing that. i feel like the weight of life is pressing on me. there's just been a lot on my mind re: gradschool and i am super busy both in and outside of work. i feel like my life won't start until i get to some future date. my drive to the mythical future prevents me from savoring the present. it becomes simply a step...there is really nothing in my life that should cause such anguish however; maybe i'm stressing over the fact that there is nothing to stress. in fact, i even contemplated writing this online because i didn't want to sound too pessimistic. -sigh- maybe i'm just being dramatic. =)

tonight at lumps fellowship, for the first time, i felt like pastor jerry was talking to me. the previous sermons or talks from the sunset church haven't been quite effective as newsong has done for me, but tonight...it hit home. just when my days in SF were reaching a comfort zone, i am given another glimpse of challenge...to test my faith with God. who am i when no one is looking? i am still learning. when i think and worry, i am getting nowhere but cornering myself in the depths of despair. i must learn to give my thoughts to Him, trust that He will take my hand regardless of who i am and how i look, that he will listen to me even when i dramatize. i was made by Him to be real. to be honest. to be open. to have character and dignity.

i know that i am not alone.

my "older sister"came to lumps today! somehow, she provides me with an inexplicable feeling of comfort. is it an "older and wiser" attitude? i like being around older people; they know how to make you feel like you're taken care of. they are genuinely concerned; they are like my family away from home. despite my lingering headache, i still laughed and shared the silliness of being a "20-something." when a girlfriend of mine laughed uncontrollably about my blog entries (ah hem!), when my artistic friend cracked jokes with his newly-designed website about lumps, when a friend discreetly placed a present in my bag, and when someone reached out to give me a hug...they reminded me the simple pleasures of living a simple life as a 22-year-old.

it feels like a long time since i've updated my "mind." i've done a good job in keeping myself busy this weekend. my highs have been somewhat higher than usual these several days. is it because i'm having too much fun in SF or because i'm genuinely more optimistic about life? i've been content with many things lately, yet, i'm tense still...in fact, my stomach has been telling me so. i feel like with all the challenges and all the "good karma," i'm also having higher expectations of myself; the stakes seem higher. i'm a worry-wart like that.

still, it's been great going out and meeting new people this weekend. my friend made me lunch on saturday and we got a chance to share some girl-talk. we were exchanging stories about the topic of guys and relationships. come on, two talkative, passionate girls getting together...of course it's inevitable! i used to think that i have great passionate romantic stories to tell, but when she whipped out her stack of love-letters and started reading one (from her former fiance), i learned one thing: guys will always be guys. she's definitely an older sister for me...through her experiences and wisdom, i can see myself as a mini-SHE. i feel that throughout the past year, i've grown a lot of maturity in the field of relationships...how little do i know about guys! but i'm only 22! sometimes i feel that all this maturity is not letting me act my age...it IS somewhat fun to get your heartbroken...sigh, but alas! no, my heart can't handle it. the truth is, while everyone has a story of her own, there are longings of the heart that seem to be universal: the desire to find true love. my friends (and 2 sisters) know my fascination with Cinderella, but it seems like we each seek a Cinderella story of our own...we're trapped in the cinders of a less than perfect world, held back from the life we dream of living. we want to find someone who can affirm our inherent worth, someone who can change us to living freely. funny how my best friend (gkim) even tried to convince me to eventually "marry" (yeah, not date) a mutual friend from high school since he'll provide me with strength and stability...heh. in reality, He has seeked and asked each of us to dance with Him. He leads, and i let him; i'm moving in the direction of where He wishes to take me, yet at the same time, i'm not afraid to be who i am, retaining my individuality at every turn.

my LA friend commented how much i've changed since i've moved back to SF. she's been pleasantly surprised with how i've handled the ramifications of the emotional roller coaster from the end of last year. i guess i have surprised myself too. but there are things you just need to accept and acknowledge--things that are out of your control no matter how hard you try. when i can look at a thing dead in the eye, acknowledge that it exists, call it exactly as it is, and decide what role it will play in my life, then maybe...i've taken my first step toward freedom.

i went ice skating on saturday night. it was planned to be at an outdoor skating rink, but that was already off-season....i was bummed. but i'm glad i went to the one at yerba buena gardens. i didn't even fall once! haha. what encouraged me most was seeing other skaters skate so well. i was motivated to do the cross-over...okay, so maybe it's not that difficult, but i had the discipline to somewhat perfect it. am i taking life too seriously? i should just skate and do whatever, but then, i won't get good at it. gkim and my "evan-jaron" friend told me to "seize the moment." ever since gkim's been back from vacationing in asia for a month, she has been trying to explore. i remember that feeling...that feeling when i came back from sweden. somehow, i've fallen back into my little irvine bubble; maybe i need to go back to sweden again! =) afterwards, we went to Mels. it was my first time. but something disappointed me....man, there were 3 girls (inc. myself) and 4 guys. but in the end, no one had room for dessert!?! it shouldn't even matter how much we've eaten, dessert is a necessity when you go out! ahh...my friends back home would never do that. my "evan-jaron" friend would never allow that either! when the waiter turned away, it was me and my pouty frown.

last night, my best friend came into the city to hang out with me. she's going off to MIT grad school soon, so it feels like we need to do everything before she goes. but it really doesn't matter...because the happiest times are the simpliest times together. i guess it's something i don't want to put too much thought into right now; all i know is that....i hate goodbyes.

do you know people who push your buttons just simply from the way they talk? don't you just want to challenge what they say? sure they talk the talk, but can they walk the walk? i have this friend who seems to hold himself in high esteem in many things, particularly sports. yesterday evening, i had a challenge with him in running. my friends know that i like to run a lot, but little do i know that i am SO out of shape. it was a disaster. hopefully, it's only temporary post-holiday apathy. it's somewhat embarrassing to publicly announce my defeat through the internet, but humility will be the best form of motivation for future challenges...it's the "i-know-i-can" motto that will keep me going.

thai food last night at Khan Toke...very cool, you take off your shoes! hmm, that probably explains the interesting scent when i walked into the restaurant!

is my life a roller coaster, or do i just make it that way? within a 15-hr period, i received good and not-so-good news, in that order. i suppose it's human nature to want everything; i was thrilled to receive good news last night, but it was soon forgotten when i received some bad news. a friend said it best, i'm just selfish. i want it all and i want it even if i don't need it. amidst my disappointment, i had so easily forgotten what was important, what did make me happy earlier. it IS one of my new year's resolutions to have a positive thought every time i think negatively. i challenge you, as a friend, to challenge me to keep this resolution. it's easier said than done.

society has really shaped us in such a way that image is a big part of living. we are self-conscious about how we look, how we carry ourselves, and how we hold our chopsticks (ahem!). so am i wrong to think that i cannot gain any more weight now that i have overloaded myself with holiday- and post-holiday sweets? i have realized that i have not stopped eating since then, and i have not gone to the gym either...even though a friend of mine has given me his sister's membership pass to 24-hr fitness. (btw, if you want a workout buddy, i'm on!). i guess the reason i'm bringing this topic up is NOT because i'm being sensitive and conforming to societal norms to become an anemic supermodel. but i have been challenged yet again. my long time friend proposes that if i bring up my weight to one size higher, he will quit smoking, drinking, and all the "unhealthy" habits that i may otherwise disapprove of. on top of that, he will get me a new wardrobe to compensate for the "chubbiness" and "cheekiness" i will soon face. now if it was pre-holidays...sure, maybe so. but it's post...and well...what would you do?

i like to know. don't we all? even though it takes away the sponetaneity of life, certainty brings us comfort and security, something that we constantly look for everyday...or at least that's what i do. the way i want to belong, the way i want to find comfort, the way i want myself to be. sometimes i try to prepare myself for every possibility, thinking of all possible options. what would i do if plan A happened? what if it was half of plan A and rest of plan B? let's have a backup for the backup plan! am i just living through unnecessarily self-inflicted psychological limitations that weigh myself down? with this year off, i am supposed to live it up (and i will try since it is one of my new year's resolutions), but at the same time, my life can do a 180 by july or august and i cannot even begin to imagine just HOW to prepare for it.

impatient people, like myself, are like cats petted backwards--apt to yowl over the discomfort of things not done right or not done at all. but "a man's wisdom gives him patience; it is to his glory to overlook an offense. " (Proverb 19:11). one of my friends is going through a waiting period as well; his life can change in a matter of days. although he never outrightly admitted his concerns, i know this period can be tense. like my situation, it tries his temper and patience. what has inspired me most, however, is his optimistic outlook on life. for me, when something goes wrong, i often believe that i was doing something wrong in life, or that something was wrong with the process of life. but it is time to embrace the process of life without fear...i often forget to remind myself that i really don't know what the process is, but that i AM equipped to handle whatever shows up. whatever happens, happens.

....

last night, at lumps fellowship, i learned that there are two types of wisdom: earthly wisdom that makes us proud, and heavenly wisdom that makes us humble. we are all submerged in an environment of earthly wisdom; life is real like that. but it is time to think about the wisdom that indeed makes us humble...just a thought.

being on a mass emailing list, i received an updated email from a stranger a few weeks back. thinking that she can probably relate to me, i randomly emailed her. she lives far away, but we've had a chance to get to know each other through (once-again) the internet-community. i finally got a chance to meet her in person last night. maybe it's chemistry, maybe it's fate, but somehow i felt really safe. sure i can be vulnerable, since she knows deep stories about me at times when i was simply writing to an inanimate computer screen. but the way we finally connected in person was heartfelt--a very warm tingly feeling. somehow the people you are drawn to day-to-day is not just a coincidence.

i didn't realize that my "mind" has become entertainment for many. yesterday, i was flattered with "oh, you write so well"/"oh, you're so creative" comments. i think what was even more entertaining was when my clever friend decided to quote me throughout our conversations! creative...usually it describes an "artsy" kind of person--someone who paints or composes or makes pottery. such creative pursuits can bring great joy to those who do them and to those who enjoy the results. but you really don't have to be an artist to infuse your life with the spirit of creativity. it is so much more than "arts and crafts." it is a way of seeing, a willingness to see wonderful possibilities in something unformed or ordinary or even ugly. creativity is a God-given ability to take something ordinary and make it into something special. it is an openness to doing old things in new ways and a willingness to adapt other people's good ideas to suit our personal needs. and creativity is an ability we all possess, although many of us keep it hidden in the deep corners of our lives. every single human being is creative. this spirit is part of our heritage as children of He who "created" us. hence, nurturing our creativity is our responsibility as the stewards of God's good gifts...so, my friend, have i inspired you to do something creative today?

so happy! so happy! my best friend came home from overseas. yeah! i decided to take time off of work today to pick her up. =)

have you heard about the new volvo SUV? i'm no car buff, but i like SUVs and i like anything Swedish! =)

i just realized that if we were to capture what went down last night on film (the absurdity and all), we could be starring in "yet another teen movie."

mediocre day...wild crazy--gluttonous--night. the day started with a very heavy feeling (probably from the remains of yesterday night). sometimes i have too high of expectations; the fall is greater. things suddenly looked bleak...maybe i need prozac. work was anticlimatic...my postdoc even told me to go home early. of course as the responsible person that i am, i volunteered to stay an hour extra doing absolutely nothing. with all the time, i ended up scanning some of my pictures to upload for my friend (<--ahem, so appreciate!).

i came home and had my daily intake of ice cream. that became my highlight. i wanted to head into berkeley to catch up with some of my friends, but instead, there was the love...they came to me. *wink* we started the night chilling in my tiny room, jamming on the guitar, carrying on a not-so-profound conversation about why journalling online is not real journalling. but that's probably the charm of it....a not-so-philosophical talk. we watched some awesome dance routines from my centerstage DVD and headed out for SUSHI. it was engaging to see my indian friend eat sushi with a toothpaste-like consistency of wasabi/soy sauce....yelp, you read that correctly...essentially, he was eating for the wasabi. it must be an indian thing. i think our eyes were hungrier than our stomachs. we ordered plate after plate. but the ironic thing was, we KNEW we'd be heading across the street for Arby's.

the guys were having an argument about the special deals at Arby's. was it 5 for $5 or 3 for $5? of course, we had to go and check it out; and that, of course, would mean MORE food. apparently it is an artform to consume a beef and cheddar--the way you put the sauce, the way you leave some dripping cheddar on the corner of your mouth, the way you simply gormandize. and then there's the mozarella sticks...you're supposed to wrap the leftover string of mozarella around the rest of your stick after you bite parts of it off. can anyone relate?

of course, how can the night end without dessert? while i offered asia, we ended up going to france. we stopped by crepevine with aspirations to swing by tart-to-tart as well. we fell prey to the temptations of one strawberry, nutella-filled crepe after another. don't forget the ice cream a la mode. we're talking about three different places with three different meals. can you say: gluttony?

oh i have sinned; my stomach told me so. we all felt it and questioned why the absurdity. it's these little things in life, however, when you have no expectations, and you just act like foolios with a night out in the town. that's the beauty behind it all--when you can be silly and talk and laugh at ridiculous things. i laughed so hard, my stomach hurt. this was a first for the year 2002. the last time i could remember was at bucca...at the dinner table...probably because we ate so much there as well....ahh, i see a pattern!

i love my friends. i love company. i love the pointless (yet substantial), meaningless (yet insightful), ridiculous (yet creative) conversations we share; they range from everything about prunes in helping with bowel movements to choose-your-own-adventure road directions. maybe that's what life is all about. you can choose to go left or you can go right, and wherever you want to end up, you'll eventually get there.

one of my girlfriends commented on my previous entry re: having a good listener. i guess i just wanted to point out that there are times when you just want someone to listen. it's as simple as that. one wise person once said, "silent and listen are made up of the same 6 letters." my online friend did that for me last night. i told him about my thoughts and fears....something that could have easily disappointed him; but instead, he appreciated my honesty and just simply prayed for me. and that was what i needed most.

is it the novelty of being somewhere else that makes this place so new and exciting? what if i was in boston, or new york, or overseas? while other places will definitely have their trademarks, san francisco is truly an amazing city. the intellectually-stimulating environment is what drives me. everyone is in the professional world, pursuing his passions in life. it feels like everyone knows what he wants. you can run across a joe down the street and carry on a thought provoking conversation. it is an inspirational city that never ceases to amaze me.

but maybe i'm putting too much pressure on myself to decide where my path will go. maybe i'm trying too hard to settle into SF quickly. maybe i just don't know how to respond to uncertainty...somehow, i am still scared and i still feel like i do not belong.

today was one of those unusual days that left me unanticipatedly perplexed. it was a low-stress day at work which even allowed me to go out to lunch with a friend. it was nice to eat japanese food..(mmm yum!) and since i was super-productive at work, i even offered to help my postdoc out and drive to the library to look up articles. there i met up with my friend and ended up enjoying the student lifestyle again. maybe i am a closet nerd...(just kidding, i'm not!) but being in the library was awesome. it isn't much different from the science library at UCIrvine, but the serene atmosphere with good company made me want to be a student again.

i also attended the perspectives class: a christians' biblical, historical, and cultural look at missions. i think i might have asked too much from myself, especially since i am only beginning to learn more about christianity. the class was somewhat overwhelming and a little too intense for my little brain. maybe i should learn to figure out things for myself first. maybe i don't belong to a classroom filled with other passionate christians. maybe i just don't fit in. it was a class that left me feeling disturbed, even scared.

somehow when i was driving home tonight, a feeling of uneasiness swept over me. my heart seemed to tell me that something terrible was or had happened; i grew horrified. i felt like i wanted to cry. while i immediately called up my friends and family to inquire about their well-being, i was still not convinced that things were okay. it was one of those feelings that made me want to reach out, to cry for help, to have someone there...just to listen.

ears are busy these days. a listening, caring, available ear is increasingly difficult to find. many seem permanently encased in the headphones of their own private interests. even a free ear isn't necessarily free just to listen sometimes. when people come to us with their troubles, many of us discover we have a birth defect; our ear bone is connected to our mouthbone. when patience, understanding, and encouragement are most needed, we give advice, platitudes and "my experience was similar" stories.

but i got lucky. when i came home, i found a far-away friend online. i guess in many ways, this friend had his earbone connected to a heartbone! not only did he appreciate my honesty, he silently listened (okay so it was online...that's not the point) and ultimately said his prayers. he was sincere and genuine. i was comforted. after talking to several other friends as well that night, i soon realized that i may have been too hard on myself--maybe i was striving for perfection yet again.

the quest for perfection has been a waste of time and energy. it is a quest that has closed my mind and heart to the beauty that is all around me. i can be so preoccupied perfecting the cracks in me that i have failed to realize that light comes through the cracks. I have always held perfection as the standard that i need to live up to or achieve. i must learn to embrace the cracks in my life and breaks in my heart as places into which divine light can shine.

better yet (for those who know me best), i must learn to get my daily intake of ice cream.

i've always enjoyed journalling. it has been therapeutic in many ways; i call it narrative medicine--medicine practiced with the narrative competence to recognize, interpret, and be moved to action by the predicaments of others. okay, that was a mouthful. seriously though, especially when i was alone, i wrote down every single detail about what i did and saw, giving me a chance to reflect and relive those experiences. sometimes, i can even rescript conversations word for word. (so watch what you say to me!)
it started when i was abroad in Sweden about 4 years ago...boy do I have things to say about that...you can ask me some other time. friends who know me best will call me a drama queen. no, no, i refuse to believe that i am because the truth is, i just have interesting stories to share...and my friends love it! then, i reinstigated the true meaning of snail mail once again...it was great to have an audience and of course, my friends loved the letters. *wink* so i ask...why am i succumbing myself to internet-conformity now? i don't know...maybe because i've been inspired--inspired by a friend who i see as a great role model for many things in life. So dave, pat yourself on the back because you've finally changed my oh-so-stubborn mind.

first and foremost, if you don't know me, prepare yourself for some esoteric interests of mine. i'm just a girl who likes to dream.

it's already the palindromic year of 2002. even though in many ways 2001 was the longest year of my life, it came and went. a year ago today, my grandfather passed away. i still remember my hysteria in japan when i missed the connecting flight to hong kong, ultimately missing his funeral. after spending only 30 hours abroad, i was back in the states only to find my grandmother in the hospital. little did i know that i had not hit rock bottom yet. the vivid image of seeing a tear roll off from my grandmother's eye when her heart stopped will forever stay in my mind. losing two very important people in my life within a two months time scared me. i soon believed i was not the "good" granddaughter i thought i was. all through college, i had convinced myself that hard work would pay off, that i will soon one day reach my goals and ambitions; i was proud. i had lost sight of what was truly significant in life--relationships. i went to newsong with my sister for the first time. somehow, i was being spoken to. somehow, i felt like someone knew what i was feeling or thinking. i went again, sunday after sunday, sitting in the back alone, crying whenever a notion of "weakness" appeared. i went to intervarsity fellowship. whenever the pastor asked for those who needed to be prayed for to stand, i did. somehow, i lost that ultra-self-conscious barrier and stood up, admitting to my weaknesses, admitting to the fact that i had no control. i was soon encaptured within a relationship that i thought was my world. my boyfriend-then taught me how to smile again, to believe in myself and follow my ambitions, to battle with Mr. MCATs and win. at graduation, i had a genuine smile. i was smiling so hard...my mom had to tell me to close my mouth!

growth is a very profound experience. it can be beautiful and ugly, empowering and confining, thought provoking and mind-boggling, pleasant and unpleasant, all at the same time. just when you think you've got it, life seems to say, "well, now take this!" so i do...

i soon found myself living alone in san francisco, learning about deceit and betrayal in a relationship, and going through a state of chronic depression that was otherwise very uncharacteristic of me. my friend once asked me, how much faith did i have? the minute when i was ready to throw my hands up and give up, miraculously, i relied on the one thing that i had left: faith. these trials and tribulations made me realize that my life was filled with these divine encounters "mixed with seemingly impossible challenges." they brought me confusion, fear, and disturbance, but they also tested my faith. I suddenly became more Christian than i imagined. even though it was a barren road of pain, little did i know that He was already working on me, guiding me through the pathway to the impossible.

somehow, someway in the growth process, i came upon the understanding that the more i knew, the more i was encouraged to grow and know. He brought me a life that i only heard about, but never lived through. He brought me closer to my family, especially to my mom, to my friends (gkim, jen, sigmacluer, stanky, mar, yoog...pandhi!..) back at home, and more importantly, to strangers who i just recently met in SF. in just a matter of a week, they gave me lasting impressions that turned my whole life around. i was struck by the generosity of an unfamiliar face who i would soon bid farewell to; i was touched by the heartfelt kindness and patience from a busy-bee; i was inspired by a talented artist when i saw how he made a little kid sparkle at bucca; i was blessed to find a sister who understood every word and thought that crossed my mind. Like the Haley-Joan Osment movie, i wanted to somehow "pay it forward." until that day, i had believed that i needed to go someplace special to find power, strength, and love. but ever since that day, i have devoted myself to remembering, acknowleding, trusting, and expressing gratitude to Him for being present right where I am.

now that i am back, i am ready to give SF and myself another chance. there is more of me waiting to unfold. there is more about the world i wish to understand. there are more people coming into my life, and i am gaining more knowledge about myself through my relationships--with them and with Him. as i journey into this new year, i hope to open my mind to new ways of thinking, leading me on a walk of faith to the heights of a new potential.