sorry to disappoint some avid readers of mine with sub-par grammar. i must say, i am only human! please forgive me. =P

sometimes, ditziness pays off. i approached michael chang yesterday and asked for a picture with my friends and i. while his stern demeanor very much contrasted with my "heart-skipping-a-beat-because-i-see-a-celebrity" deportment, he could not but accept the request. who cares if it was embarrassing. mission accomplished...off to develop the film.

note: long entry. you have beEN forewarned (dude, afu, gimme a break....i type fast, okay?)

A voice...no, my voice

chinese new year parade was this weekend. i missed it. how many more new year parades will i get to see while being in San Francisco? it's so sad to think that this may have been the one and only chance.

to what extent has being asian had an impact on our life of adolescence and adulthood? did we all have asian friends when we were growing up? how were these relationships unique compared to the relationships we had with our other peers? i noticed that i was guilty of replicating the same stereotypes that i was criticizing others for. i first envisioned myself as different---as american first, and as asian second--and the degree to which being asian shaped my self-image depended on certain variables (age, location, ethnicity, socioeconomic background, etc). i'd visit hong kong, go on asian tours in japan, speak english in china...all of which made me feel more american than anything. in grade school, i had one or two asian friends, but my best friends were usually white. i remember how frustrated i became when someone saw me as less american than they were just because i wasn't white. it was through their lens that i saw myself. it was by answering their questions that i heard my voice.

i grew up speaking cantonese at home. i was born in america, but my super-traditional father did a good job in instilling the chinese culture in me. in fact, nowadays, i feel more chinese than those born and raised in asia...(especially some fobby friends i know here! heehee). at the beginning, language posed a threat in the process of trying to harness a "voice" that could adequately reflect my emotions and experiences. i was often frustrated when language imposed severe limitations on my ability to locate the right words to express the complexity of such. i felt reluctant to speak up in class; i was too timid to talk; i was afraid that my comments would be irrelevant.

so i grew up silent, but bursting with the glimmering desire to describe everything i observed in the closest detail. i scrutinized people sitting across from me at dim sum restaurants, attempting to read their life stories from the lines on their faces, the wrinkles in their clothes. i turned an empty car into a joyous amusement park for a family of ants, with the windshield converted into a gleeful water slide park. i would trace the interior features of our minivan with the intent to discover its secrets, to script a story worthy of a childhood afternoon.

i spoke rarely...at school, to my parents, even to my older sister. maybe it's an asian thing to be submissive and to be obedient. but i had the slightest intention to argue (maybe...heehee). the truth was, i remembered when i was in second grade, i recited a sentence....i said: i walked to the park...pronouncing the verb as "walk-DID." i wanted to emphasize that it was in past tense. but this one guy named matthew (i still remember him! =P) would start cracking up on my accent and my verb tenses. so i knew that if i were to ever falter again, i would be reminded at recesses, at the water fountain, and at the swings. but it wasn't even just grade school. all through high school, i gave the "whatever-you-want-to-do" response. i remember getting several SIMILAR advices from my friends at the end of hs senior year where they wrote in my yearbook..."you're too nice. be careful. don't let anyone take advantage of you, except for me!" not that i was too nice, i don't think...i just never allowed myself to think what options "i" wanted. and then, in Sweden, i was teased. i was the baby AND the quiet one.

i think that is why i've discovered the power of the pen (okay the keyboard in this case); i've found myself some courage and determination to push the boundaries of the written word in coming to finding my voice. while young writers polished their impressive repertoire of creative writing, novice writers like myself are looking within ourselves in search of the stories for the first time ever. i guess through letters, confessions, email messages, and diary entries, i've allowed myself to have a free and fearless voice--it's self-expression, i think.

i guess i've noticed these changes when i saw shifts in tones, colors, and textures that came with each story i told. to me, this movement echoed the insatiable need to recreate and redefine ourselves to keep up with our changing world--these asian americans who want to speak up. i guess in many ways, writing has been a permanent way for me to self-affirm my stories where i've gained knowledge and insight after weathering the storms of growing up. words carry an almost holy weight that i have lugged around in an attempt to hide my unspoken thoughts, only to try to expose my feelings through writing.

but now, i'm no longer searching to reaffirm my identity as an american. in fact, i proudly claim that i'm asian first, american second...(chinese specifically!...straight up from mainland...well, hong kong is part of mainland...unlike other little nationalists...who are nevertheless descendents from mainland-chinese! this is something i'll speak more of only on one-to-one basis).

about a year ago, i wrestled with my closest friends the idea that we were more chinese than americans. on standardized tests, they'd rather check the "other" box (referring themselves as "americans") than chinese. i, on the other hand, would never fail to check chinese. now that i am here in SF, i see how this world is so much similar in thought, in idea, n sync, =) with who i am. i am submerged in a really rich chinese culture, with asian americans everywhere. some are even fifth generations; and they'd still refer to them as chinese first. (well, my "gentlemanly-trained-bodyguard" friend wittingly said he'd check the russian box...haha!) being enriched with so much culture allows me to express myself even more, to be who i am without worrying that someone would find my voice irrelevant. true, i'm still searching and learning...but these few months have made me realize how important being asian american is, how much we can learn from each other, and how we can establish our own voices. i see only minor impediments, if there are any at all.

why did i go off on this tangent? i have no idea. maybe it was hearing michael chang's testimony or seeing mamiit's determination evolve on the tennis courts or a-5th-gen-boy's involvement with chinese culture. somehow it was inspirational to know that they are asian americans and so am i.

other noteworthy happenings that make me smile....a surprising wake-up call (so thoughtful!), Farm-friend's sweetness and rabbit pate, r. miller baby!, dS' considerate scary-link-advice, someone's gullibility in revealing some hush-hush info along with the subtle-yet-gentlemany etiquette, kuai 3X, first-time tennis match, different variations for "fruit," talk about pastrami in NY--flew knows it all!, race up the steps---he cheated!, rollerblades from bigsista, catch-up with jwong, and of course...t-shirt weather! *wink*

it's so beautiful outside. i drove up this morning, parked at the top of the parking structure, and saw the golden gate bridge from afar. gorgeous. now i want to go out and play.

this weekend was super-chill, but super tiring for me. i wonder why. maybe i'm driven by busy-ness, performing best under pressure--the more i have to do, the more excited i become. it must be a masochistic way of living; somehow it reminds me of ML--how scary. nevertheless, i enjoyed my weekend of great foods...

dim sum with a bunch of friends on saturday morning was EXTREMELY satisfying; i could not have asked for a better place or group of friends to be with that morning. i remember when i used to go to LA chinatown every weekend with my family (inc. extended) of 11; we would all dress up as if it was a big occasion and go out for dim sum. my hair would be tied up, and from head to toe, i would be color-coordinated. my daddy would go to queen's bakery to buy chinese chocolate cakes (still my favorite from that place), banana rolls, and egg tarts. i grew up eating lukewarm egg tarts, never realizing the customary way is to eat it right from the oven when the custard is still hot! i remembered how i was teased by my grandmother because i was such an ABC! nowadays, i have three favorite dishes when i go get dim sum. i had one on saturday, but that was my favorite, so i was happy....nai wong bao! mmmm.....so good, so heavenly.

okay just lost my train of thought...

i thought about creditting my 3-day weekend on my blogsite. look what day it is now. i started but i ultimately deleted that half-written post. thoughts are just like that. when you miss the introspective nature of the moment, you move on and think about something else; not to say they weren't important, but the world keeps on turning, and your mind keeps on churning.

i heard, but i didn't see. somehow, when i found out that michelle got bronze, my heart was broken. i've been rooting for her all these years, as if i've gotten to know her personally; i feel like i can almost relate: her dream, her passion, her endurance. the past two weeks have been somewhat of a struggle for me as well--more like months, though. i feel like i've been wrestling with dreams and ambitions that have been inherently grounded in me since i was 6. these goals have become my passion. i have and continue to do all i can to make my dream come true. through many trials and tribulations, i have endured this struggle; i have questioned and answered my own confusions. recently, i am not sure if He is telling me otherwise or to continue with this arduous journey. how are we supposed to know when something is not right for us? how do we know when something is not meant to be? such questions add unnecessary stress to my complicated, melodramatic life. maybe that's why i haven't been getting restful sleep. on top of that, things at work and at home have not been as i've hoped. sigh. the adrenalin of playing for worship also added to this convoluted lifestyle i've been leading. my parents call, and i know they know what i'm thinking. nowadays, they almost always reassure me that i'll be okay, that i should go out and have fun, that i should live for the moment. i cannot but feel a little disappointed in myself when i worry them or when "my" voice shakes while talking to them. in situations like these, i just want to crawl into my little corner or ...go home. maybe i'm just still flirting with the idea of driving down to irvine. i think the true questions are: how much faith do i have? how much do i believe?

i have to admit, when i do start playing, whether it is good or not, the mesmerizing music brings comfort to my heart. for those few minutes, while singing praise, i am "quiet;" i am "still!" what has really helped me are also some encouraging words from my friend. i'm not sure if it's wise to put it on my blog, but i want to. the words of inspiration has and continue to ring in my ears--in all situations, not just for worship:

when you place your fingertips on that keyboard and raise your voice for the
Lord...remember, that's all that really matters. let everything around
you fade away, and in that instant while you worship him, remember that
that's all you were created to do. doesn't matter if you're in sf or
irvine doing it. doesn't matter if you can't play the piano or are jamming
like there's no tomorrow when you do it. what matters is that you're
doing it. doing what God made you to do...giving glory to Him. games or
no games, you will know in that moment that He loves you more than
anything. when you sing those words...listen to them closely and know
that He doesn't mess around. we tend to mess around and make things a lot
more difficult than they really are. make it a lot more simple by
remembering always what you were created for. it isn't easy, but no one
promised that carrying your cross would be. so just have joy when you
worship and study scripture and pray tonight. don't think about all the
girls and boys and whatever that surrounds you. let them all fade away.
we clutter our lives with so much junk sometimes. when you're with God
during that time, think about all the blessings you have and not about
what you're missing or don't have. sometimes a lot of that stuff we don't
really need and we don't have it because our Father in heaven knows that
it's better that way for us. TRUST bon...TRUST. that's all i can
encourage you to do.

i am blessed with tremendous support from family and friends (even if i haven't had time to get in contact with YOU!). but these words hit home for me. i feel that these words are more than perfect in describing how and what i am thinking...

i was breathing deeply; you could almost hear the sound of my heart beating. everywhere i looked, i saw a pair of eyes looking straight at me. my fingers were cold, my palms were clammy, and my neck was tense. there was definite anticipation in the room. with the dimly lit candle-like lights in the living room, i barely noticed others' excitement or anxiousness. maybe it was just me. maybe i was the only one nervous.

so i've never done this before. i mean, sure, i've been classically trained since i learned how to use my right brain, but my teacher/professor (from Chapman Univ) never taught me "music theory." i just learned and played.

when i approached DC re: my interest in joining worship, i didn't really know what i was getting myself into. it was merely an interest, really. i didn't think it'd be such a big deal; i didn't even know if i'd go through with it. being the self-conscious "perfectionist" that i am, i sometimes find it difficult to be any less than what i expect from myself--especially in front of other people. i mean, i felt like...okay, this is what i want to do, this is what i can do, sure...i do it! but obviously, i forgot that there's only a handful of worship songs i know, and there's a "team" i would have to synchronize with. to top it all off, i haven't really touched the keys since...um...sophomore year of college? so without any understanding of improvisation, i think i jumped the gun this time.

i got a quick prep from AA...just to know what chords i should be playing. but two nights ago, during worship practice, i felt it...the challenge, the anxiety, the nervous tension that swept all over me. i felt somewhat stressed out, in fact. before we all started, DC asked if there were any songs we were not familiar with. i looked at him, and he knew what i was thinking. he kindly reassured "us" and proceeded. i don't know what i was doing, really. i was just playing the rhythm, nothing fancy, nothing that seemed to really contribute to the team. but as we moved on throughout the nite, i'd look up, catch a glance of MC who was directly in front of me and tensely looked back down onto my keyboard. JY would guide me along, he'd whisper....C, D, E, accentuating where and when for me to play the chords. so it being my first time on worship, first time playing keyboard as accompaniment, first time on improvisation....i'd have to say that it wasn't completely fruitless. the more i played, the more i was inspired by the others. the self-taught JY was an incredible musician. i could have just sat there and listened...but it was nice that i wasn't just sitting there either.

i guess what really got to me was the fact that most of these songs on this list were some of the VERY first songs i listened to when i first went to newsong down in irvine (when i first explored christianity). they were songs that really touched me and got to me at that time; i remember singing and crying while thinking about my grandparents. it was awe-inspiring to listen again, as if i was in that sanctuary again, as if i was reliving that moment when i truly felt like He was talking to me. going through some rough times about a year ago, i went and sang along at newsong, only to find myself believing and relying on faith--i remembered how i felt like His hand was on my shoulder, reassuring me. monday nite, i felt like He was also telling me to use my adrenalin, my pressure, to challenge myself and make music that would glorify Him. and with that in mind (along with many encouraging IM messages...), i began to experiment a little bit more. okay, so maybe my chord transitions still need work (A LOT OF IT), but from all the previous intimidation, i think i've gotten over the idea of perfecting myself, but more so to do worship. now i know it takes hard work, and hearing, seeing, and believing in MC, WW, DC, JY, JM, and flew, i can say that they've motivated me tremendously.

when everyone left, i stayed another two hours to improvise with JY and DC. i was being free. i was letting go. i was allowing the worship music to guide me. i was smiling. when DS popped out to listen, i could hardly contain my excitement.

this has been a true inspiration. i've been challenged. i've been humbled.

but i cannot wait to try again. i cannot wait to use music to express what this team has had in mind all along...

i would hope that people wouldn't assume they know me simply from reading my daily blogs. i would think my mere existence was minimal and trifling if it could be summarized in a few paragraphs of randomness everyday. at the same time, my words are only representative of that current time and place; they would not do justice to the labyrinth of my vivid life. i can dream while knowing what is real, i can feel confident without high self-esteem, i am more than the sentences i put together. sometimes i wonder if people would get to know me beyond the boundaries of blogspotting....

Yet Another Day.

just as how i dreaded my return to SF at the beginning of this year, i dreaded the arrival of the overrated day of hallmark cards and see's chocolate hearts as well (though i'd prefer godiva any day...[um...maybe only if it's not real belgian chocolate]...HINT HINT). just yet another day, it somehow instigates a wide range of emotions--whether it be happy or sad, passionate or bitter, content or indifferent. from emails to phone calls to even girl-talk, i sense the different reactions that one might respond to such a day. some want to talk about it, some choose not to blog about it, some try to shrug it off as no-big-deal but secretly wish for that special someone. without a doubt, it's a touchy topic. afterall, we all have feelings and emotions, and while we may be savage beasts on a regular day, the nostalgia of being loved, of having been loved, seems to capture our hearts and allow our sensitivity to surface, male and female included. i must say that i've gone through 22 blah, no-date, february fourteenths with a bit of indifference, resentment, and curiosity (of course). i'd be lying if i said that the "omigosh, look-how-happy-she-is" cynicism never crossed my mind on days like that. this year, i woke up, popped a i-have-no-idea-what-songs-are-on-this-burnt-CD (oops! is that illegal?) into my clock radio and started my day. it was different. it was unlike any other year...

the first song that came on was old-skool "play that funky music." i found myself getting out of the shower and boogying to the beat; thankfully, no one was watching. "independent women" came on a few songs later...and i chuckled while i sang along with it. thoughts about the previous two days crossed my mind, starting from the pleasant new years' dinner to my experience at CityTeam, both of which i should blog about later. i also thought about the day prior to vday when i unexpectedly found a carepackage beside my doorstep coming home from a long tiring day at work. "uncertainty" was not helping the monotony of everday life either. it was rainy and gloomy, and seeing a 1-800-flowers.com box came real close in bringing out that cynicism in me. i thought...ugh, love is evading from every corner! while normally i wouldn't care, this time, i was curious who was lucky that day. i looked carefully, and alas! it was my name! whoa! what is this? how did this came to be? without any expectations, i took the box inside, along with groceries, dropped everything down, and pranced around looking for scissors. i was excited. i didn't know who, i didn't know what, all i knew was, i was getting flowers. this was a first for me. the most miraculous feeling was that i wasn't asking who or why in my heart. i was just happy. without any dates for 2/14, i wasn't anticipating any one person in particular, i wasn't hoping for a specific someone...simply no expectations. i opened the package, found a bunch of spray roses (those you find in a european market) tied together nicely. unfortunately, i had to take off for CityTeam, so i quickly placed the roses in a vase and hopped into my boat for downtown.

CityTeam provoked a somewhat familiar feeling in me that had been in the back burner for a while. helping the homeless in person, talking to them, having personal contact all reminded me how nerving it could be. it is easy to say and do nice things when you don't have direct contact. but when a homeless stranger came up to me, hugged me, and complimented me, a feeling of uneasiness swept over me. i was afraid. in fact, i almost wanted to tell him that i had other duties, just so that i could get away. i didn't feel comfortable having someone "follow" me around and accepting compliments from people like them. but the fear was good. the fear only reminded me how open i should be, how much love i should return, how God blessed me with so many gifts everyday while they lacked in their lifetime. by the end of my somewhat superficial conversation with this clingy stranger, i was able to openly accept his second hug. i turned around feeling at peace with myself. i left CT feeling happy, excited that i have a heart--maybe not the biggest one, but definitely a real genuine heart. my service was short; i hopped back into my boat and headed home. all of a sudden, i started crying. no, it wasn't a little wimper or a tear sliding from the corner of my eye. i was really crying.

i was overjoyed to find myself so loved, so blessed, so lucky. i called my parents to tell them how happy i was to be receiving flowers from who-knows-who, to be able to witness the kindred spirit from these otherwise deprecated individuals, to be able to know that everywhere i turned, there WAS love in the air. the juxtaposition of my past two weeks (happy-sad-happy-sad-happy-sad) has definitely been tiring. but without feeling the awfully low lows, i would not understand the highs. i came home...settled down, and alas, FINALLY found the little card message from the flower box.

i thank Him for my 10+-years-friendship with 6-foot--a hs friend who has been with me thru thick and thin. over the years, i think 6-foot has heard me whine tremendously about vday, and this year, he has been extremely thoughtful to watch out and care for me all the way from long island, knowing very well that i've been rather stressed out lately. it's friendships like these that make me grow and mature in believing that wherever i may be, He sends people into my life to bless me as His child. i thank Him for my wonderful time in SF--the people i've been influenced by and the people i've come to influence. i thank Him for the ecards, the little notes, the little gestures i've been receiving all this time. gosh, this sounds more like thanksgiving! maybe every day should be a day of giving thanks! the truth is, this was my first valentine's day where not even one bitter, cynical thought crossed my mind. those who are close to me would predict that this would be one of my most difficult vdays to pass, and i would say so myself...it's not the flowers, it's not working at CT, but alas, it's the spiritual maturity...i've grown to understand myself tremendously.

i write this not to be boastful, not to instigate questions or remarks, but to be honest and true to my heart. a conviction that is unusual and foreign. i was scared. heck, i still am. i don't know how to blog my thoughts down when i'm in state of internal conflict with so many other preoccupations. what would my christian and non-christian friends think? i was driving to work this morning, asking why? how did this happen? spiritual well-being is such an intangible concept...how can a "scientist" like me comprehend this fact? where is this peace of mind coming from? it doesn't answer my questions re: what i'll be doing in the future, who i'll be marrying, how i'll be living my life...i still worry. this is by no means a replacement of my doubts re: my future, my life, my family. but one thing i came to believe is that i am loved by God and loved by all those whom He has brought to me. sure there are moments when i get mad, ask why me?, question faith; everyday i struggle with a little bit of that. but...i'm still a lucky girl.

i started the vday evening by shooting hoops for a few minutes in the back of the church. then, flew invited me to the prayer meeting, which i'm really thankful for. i wanted to practice bball, but i'm glad i got to pray a little for other people. i had no prayer requests for myself, (i do, but didn't want/know how to share), and it made me feel better to serve other people. then lumps took place. the topic was on relationships with cyn and pastor jon speaking to all of us. in a somewhat informal setting, i learned more and asked more questions than most. okay okay, so i AM a talker. curiosity, i tell ya. what i learned last night, the conversations i had afterwards with other brothers and sisters, all made me realize that the guys and girls have VERY different concerns and approaches to relationships. call/IM if you want my insights. lg fellowship was educational.

it wasn't just yet another day.

so i got a ride home, made myself dinner at 11pm, and called my parents to wish them a happy valentine's day. they asked why the sudden phone call, and why so late...sheesh, where's the love? j.k. i love them dearly. and this vday only made me realize it more. while drinking my midnight soup, i popped the CD back on, listened to bon jovi's "thank you for loving me" and did my little dance. hey, like i always said: dance like no one is watching, love like you'll never get hurt....

this will probably be my first chinese new year away from family. since the rise of dawn, i have received blessings from family and friends--taking time to share our past traditions and treasured memories. i came into work to find myself a bit chippy, eager to start this year with a bit of optimism and freshness. it's the year of the horse and for goats like me, it's supposed to be a better year than the last. i'm really looking forward to a change of pace (and already a change in scenery...with me being in SF). the conundrum, thus far unanswered, of my future plans need a bit of a break, i think. and this day is probably better than any to start.

i spent yesterday evening hanging out with a bunch of girls. the sisterhood we shared allowed me to be open, honest, and heehee...giggly. bumming around kinko's in a ditzy manner, laughing uncontrollably at photos of a decapacitated toe, solving a challenging game of building blocks all reminded me oh-so-well of those slumber parties in junior high--a total of...um, TWO. my parents were never fond of the idea of me spending the night at someone's house. other than being worried about my safety, they were really chinese in thinking that i'd have to hold a few parties of my own. lucky for me, they decided to change their minds when high school rolled around (or maybe i decided for them!). i'd have to say that my day at work yesterday was extremely tiring, but spending time with other girls was incredibly carefree and relaxing. i'm so used to having my family around...it's just so nice to have company.

with a publication due at the beginning of march, i've been swamped with work from head to toe. but still, i'm incredibly lucky to have a professor who takes notice of my work and my efforts. he's almost like a grandpa (or an older dad) who is concerned about my life in and outside of the lab. come to think of it, i had half-heartedly accepted this job offer in june, but look how my life has turned around. going the extra mile means doing, being, having just a little more than even "i" expected. it's easy for me to do just enough to keep myself alive and going. it's easy to expect just enough to keep myself from being unhappy. but i don't think that is what i want. i want to try to go the extra mile, to stretch my mind, to expand my vision, to elevate my expectations as far as i can imagine possible for myself...of course not drown myself with idealism, but with a bit of hope. with faith in Him, i do believe...

another hour or so, i'd be out and about again...ooh...i just can't wait to "blow this popsicle stand!"

i made the mistake of feeding my insatiable hunger of blogspotting at an uncanny hour and found myself awakened (more so) and jaded, courtesy of a certain piece of blog. what a memorable way to start the new year. not that i purposely chose not to heed DaSh's advice, but it came one blog too late...

for those who have missed me and my blogs this weekend, i apologize. =) for those who didn't notice i was gone, ah hem! hello?

i made a last minute trip down to SoCal this weekend. i contemplated several times to blog when i was down in irvine, but i found myself lost for words in describing my interactions, my developments, and my insights. it was as if i had entered another world (or my previous one) that had temporarily closed my SF chapter--with blogging being a part of it.

i was extremely busy, trying to assist my big sista on her wedding plans for august. even though i had my list of agenda planned for my weekend trips home, i didn't get to do much other than to see my family and catch up with my cousins. ever since i started jumping from place to place, in and out of the country, i have found very little quality time to spend with the younger "pau clan." i miss being a part of their lives and i miss being the-first-to-know-gossip-queen in their dramas. (okay, so maybe i was never the first to know, let me be). maybe it's part of growing up, but every time i go home and leave, i find myself feeling very homesick, very withdrawn...no matter how much i want to be independent. my heart seems to be really sensitive to nostalgia. who is to say that the next time i come back, everyone would still be there? that my family will be in great health? that life will just fall right back into place?

home is more than where the heart is. it's the comfort of finding yourself BEING yourself...

i'm not sure where i belong. i don't quite fit into the irvine bubble anymore. there was something that gave me a bit of culture shock. maybe it was the overwhelming idea that my sister was getting married? i did walk into "david's bridal" for bridesmaid dresses, and felt SO claustrophobic. every corner, every turn, i found a bride-to-be trying on a wedding gown. i thought to myself: geez, this can potentially be me in this time in life, but the idea seems SO incredibly far-fetched...maybe it was the sun. i was prancing around in a t-shirt and still felt hot. the santa ana winds also made SoCal seem like a desert...okay, it is one. i love the sun, don't get me wrong. i love wearing shorts and t-shirts and sundresses, but i was also missing the SF weather this past weekend...maybe it is the people i hang out with. in SF, i have a group of christian, opinionated, passionate friends...(yeah, you included!), and at home, i have my homies who have known me since i was potty-trained (okay, maybe we haven't been friends for THAT long). the truth is, there's a bit of a clash when i'm trying to identify myself with either groups, either locations.

all in all, i'm glad i went.

okay, now for some interactive fun! i went looking for bridesmaid dresses this saturday...and, well, one of the rules is that you need to somehow match the bride. go figure! =) me being the maid of honor and being delegated the task to choose, i've narrowed it down to two with my sister....(thus far!). so we'll have to see. maybe you can tell me which one is better? or none of the below? **note: the color will be baby-blue or lavender/lilac....
option I
option II

no, i am not that rough. i'm a girlie girl. ask any one of my friends from home. (maybe because i'm a gemini). get to know me better and you'll know. =)

wow. another great night at lumps, another great night at fellowship. every time i hang out with this group of friends, i get to know someone a little better (Jh, Gh), carry on a conversation a little deeper (Ec, Ak, Ec), open myself up to be a bit more vulnerable (Eo, Kc). i'm glad though. i'm happy. i felt like both my sg co-leaders were talking to me tonight. it was as if the message was directed at me. i found myself staring at each of them, listening intently; it was as if He had picked up the phone and spoke back. it was weird. a very deep spiritual feeling that i haven't felt before. if i can't even pinpoint this feeling, how can i write it? despite the heavy week, tonight cleared up a lot of things on my mind. i feel like i know where i'm heading and i feel like i'm ready to move on with my decisions. this is so odd. i've been in a state of perplexity this whole week though. am i jumping into conclusions? regardless, i enjoyed the bible study. i have to admit that the passage application was not as thorough as i hoped, not until i came across another wise one's interpretation.

okay....random...my tv is currently on, and a spanish pepsi commercial just came on. no, it's not britney, it's shakira!

last night, i didn't go to sleep until um....3? great conversation though. hopefully next time, it's over coffee instead. when i DID eventually go to bed, i felt really relaxed. =) this morning with such a great day out, (despite my very little beauty rest...thus, looking somewhat hideous today!), i put on my hurley shirt, tossed on some tennis shoes, grabbed a homemade brownie (mmm!) on my way to work, and yielded to otherwise annoying cars and pedestrians. i plan to PLAY (not attempt) bball this weekend.

i have this permanent smile on my face today; hmm, i wonder why. i think i am ready to get myself into some mischief. *wink* and off i go...

my addiction to the computer (namely blogs) have gotten the best of me. look where i am early in the morning...if i have time, i turn on my home computer, check out some others' blogs (those that are MIA at my work computer), and enlighten myself with top stories of daily adventures and inspirations. somehow, it instigates a chain of thoughts that run through my mind as well...

yesterday was a another long day at work. when things go wrong, my lack of motivation perpetuates to a snowball effect of inconsistencies and disappointments. maybe work has reached a plateau. oh well. better luck today maybe (so far, so good!). i saw an indie flick last night. it's strange how i've grown attracted to oddness and culture around here...or maybe because indies are usually feel-good movies. even though some can be predictable, when you come out of it feeling good, i think it satisfies the busyness of life.

at dinner last night, there was a girl who got up on stage (at the restaurant) and started singing for her beau's birthday. so romantic! so gutsy! i wonder if i would ever do something like that...the bold daring young'un in me says...yeah, probably so. hmm...i wonder.

there are people i call and chat with when i'm looking for life's answers. you selectively choose the people based on the type of responses you're seeking. there have been two separate ocassions now that i call up my closest friends, and they're not there...and all i wanted to do, while holding my babyblue cell phone, was to call up God. sounds strange, huh? like i wish i had his number on my speed-dial to ask how this all came to be, to ask why, to ask what He wants of me. i guess i just spend too much time trying to avoid trials. everyday is a challenge for me--whether it be by thought, by sight, or by action. i live and think with mental expectations of who i am and what i want to be; i flutter when i see something i fear; i struggle when my physical endurance fails me. but really, adversity helps us develop endurance, and endurance is a powerful weapon to have in our character arsenal.

one time when i needed my best friend, she pulled over onto the side of the road and gave me a passage. somehow it worked wonders for me. yesterday, again, i caught a friend online and he gave me a passage. though you'd expect it to be very impersonal, the IM conversation gave me a sense of faith. reading the passage, knowing that someone was on the other end, accepting the truth, and leaving it all up to Him, i stopped myself and understood that it was infinitely easier to quit than to endure. endurance is this amazing character trait that is constantly tested within me. it turns my vision into reality. without it, my visions are merely pipe dreams. there are often many quitting points that make me stop and think...how can i go on? how can i crash through? "blessed is the man who endures trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life." (james 1:12).

this morning, by learning more about some of my inspirational (even if i don't talk to you everday!) friends, i see that in almost everything we all do, we will reach a point where all we can think of is the sweet relief of cashing it in. my friends have built endurance by learning how to crash through quitting points--physical, emotional, vocational, spiritual. whether it be in lab, in my apt, in my irvine home, i know i am ready to call it quits. i definitely can't feel the slaps on my back during those moments. i certainly can't hear the angels sing. but with faith and inspiration....i might just endure one more time...

woohoo! gw just showed me how to use blogbot! i can now blog thru aim with all of the special formatting. =)

i was somewhat stressed out at work today. in fact, things haven't gone as smoothly as i hoped. i've been working hard, thinking a lot, and just plain, stressing. i even had one-on-one talks with my two professors (individually) for like an hour and a half each about my research. what a day! luckily, my "missed" friend sent me an encouraging email--the power of words.

in the meantime, whenever i see my friends, it's so easy to just forget and enjoy the moment. i wonder if it's me hiding from my worries, denying reality, or it's really me enjoying my time. i would hope it's the latter because life should be like that, but it does not take away what IS on my mind and what IS going to affect my decisions. i guess that's part of growing up...to take on responsibilties and to stay committed to them. it is hard to do, unfortunately, because it is so easy to become distracted, to fall prey to temptations; in fact, a part of me just wants to pick up, pack my bags, and go home to SoCal. home often speaks of itself as a safe haven...wherever you may be.

despite the long day, i went running after work with my friend. it was a good way to release some of the pressure and tension inside of me. i don't think my friend really noticed how heavy i felt today, how much i wanted to cry (yeah, it WAS stressful), how desperate i was looking for some attention or comfort. but i didn't whine and i didn't come across as lil-miss-needy. maybe it was just one of those, i-can-handle-my-own type of feeling...sigh. maybe i just need rest.

i cooked dinner, but it turned out to be a flop. =/ i'm usually an alright cook, i promise! but maybe i'm just tired today. oh so many excuses! afterwards, i was dropped off at daves' to watch smallville. it's my second time watching that show, and both times, i've walked in and out. i didn't quite understand the hype my friends have been raving about...clark? lana? what's the big deal? i thought i grew out of the WB shows, until i watched the last 30 minutes of it tonight, and boy...seeing clark in action! and then that smile...i couldn't but give off a "whoa! he's cute!" comment. sigh. flew was right. it is easy for a pretty girl to be liked by other guys (in a matter of minutes), but the pretty boy must "actually do something heroic" or "have action" in order for girls to like him as much. i'm a living proof. seeing the shots of clark didn't make much difference, but i saw him in action (with that pearly-white smile!). sigh. it made up for the heaviness of my day. so simple, yes; so happy too.

i've been told that i get myself into a lot of mischief. haha, that's just the kid in me. well, maybe not...because apparently, i am driving with the wrong license plate. i plan not to blog about it, because there's so many other important things in my life that occupy my mind right now...but if my fans are dying to know, please get in contact with me. maybe this is my way of trying to initiate human contact once again.

so i never made it out to the courts. my bball was flat...ugh. can anyone spare a pump? maybe i'll try again today...or maybe i won't. but i'm glad i went out salsa dancing with "JC". if he hadn't brought up the idea, i wouldn't have found the random hole-in-the-wall dance studio. it was definitely worth my time and energy. i have always loved to dance. i have never been a stage performer, but i was not afraid to pursue something that was challenging and exciting to me. in doing so (taking time out of my busy schedule to dance), i have embraced a process of self-recognition; it involves the development of confidence, spontaneity, humor, caring, and other "human" qualities that can escape us when we try to be perfect or when we constantly criticize ourselves. my pasttime with dancing has been crucial to the development of these human qualities. because of its spontaneous, improvistory nature, dance reflects the moment--my thoughts, my insights, my drama, my life. it is also a sense of feeling--a way for me to channel my energy and to understand how to detach myself from the analytical approaches of everyday life. no matter how stressed out i may be, it is an amazing tool to help ground myself. i always come home feeling hyper.

last night, i was talking on the phone with my friend and i think i fell asleep on her. it was a first for me. i didn't even realize it until i was awakened by another phone call at 1ish. my apologies...but i caught a second wind and finished the second conversation with a bit of alertness. i'm glad i got to chat with this busy-friend of mine, to hear the workings of his mind, to know that he is human with real concerns. i often find myself surrounded by a group of highly motivated, ambitious, passionate people who want to "do something," "get somewhere" in life. (i'm guilty of that too). yet, in reality, they forget to smell the roses along the way...what fun is that when we forget what life should be about? so the phone conversation made me realize that his concerns were very valid, that behind all the confidence, all the busy-ness, all the commotion of living a productive life, there is someone inside who is waiting for others to be discovered.

it's getting dark later nowadays. so happy! so happy!
i think i'm going to attempt a basketball workout session this evening...

it is sunday afternoon and i have found myself in my little room watching the superbowl. how odd. maybe from my friends' influence, or from the several games i went to this past year, or it's the "can't-take-my-eyes-off-of-britney" pepsi commericals and U2 halftime show (or the last 10 seconds of a game...), but i must admit that i've come to appreciate (somewhat...) the idea of a bunch of barbarians kicking butts. it's probably the cathartic attitude of seeing someone get tackled and bumrushed onto the ground (kinda like a snowball fight!) in an almost helpless, defenseless way under national public speculation...gotta enjoy the entertainment.

with so much on my mind, i've found it difficult to blog everything down. maybe i should follow the "master of bloggers" and heed his advice: blog mini-posts. eh, let's just put it this way, sometimes, i just have no inspiration, or i get too lazy, or i just "rather" forget. but still, there are things that are worth to be noted (and the realizations i never blogged down)...

allow me to follow up with my previous comments about love...so, i went to see "a walk to remember" on saturday morning. yeah, in the morning...haven't done that for ages. the last time i went in the morning was to go movie-hopping, walking in with a "used" ticket-stub, watching like 3-complete-movies (not walking in in the middle)...can we say: bargain? those were the days when i had no idea how damaging hollywood would be on my little brain. anyways, i did not come out of this movie feeling like it was the greatest movie ever, or that i would go see it again and again, but that it left me feeling highly sentimental, exuberating with passion, definitely leaving puffy-eyed with my nose rosy-colored and stuffed up. i was bawling (kinda like a hose that could not be stopped). "walking" in with little expectations, i left "remembering" every distinct parts of the movie. okay, so i'm usually really good at suspending myself in disbelief, but the fact that west was SO in tune with his feelings, with what his heart was telling him...all inspired and lead by the christian values of moore. at au's shindig, i had the chance to finally meet in person and talk with someone whose "hypothetical" friend was very much in tune with HIS feelings after seeing this movie...this person reminded me very much of a "YAh-LEy" friend i know...the sophistication, the christian embodiment, the ability to carry on an intelligent conversation about sensitivity. we often forget that we ARE human, and that we have the ability to feel, live, and love one another...whether it be a significant other, a parent, a friend, or Him. i recommend this movie not for the teeny-bopper movie-goers, but for those who have closed their hearts to protect themselves...to use this movie as an outlet to open the doors of their hearts, to release all grievances that they may be holding against others, and to allow someone to do something nice for them, to say something nice to them...and just maybe, their hearts may open for a little bit...what can i say, i AM a hopeless romantic.

i heard that my daddy went to see this movie too. i wonder just how he reacted. he's a role model for many, very in tune with his sensitive side. oh, i miss him.

standing around the kitchen corner (au's), i noticed that i was delighted to be surrounded by a group of very "CHINESE" friends. i never appreciated my culture and my background so much more than now. so many were bilingual; so many understood my somewhat-fobby remarks (maybe because they were more so! haha). i just love it. it reminds me of home. i don't remember SoCal (my group of friends) being like this; rarely anyone would bust out a chinese comment. i used to think that i'm special, being an abc, yet, able to speak and understand what goes on in the asian cultures. boy has it been humbling for me to recognize how chinese SF really is! somehow, these people inspire me to be true to my identity.

hanging out with my sister in sunnyvale, making to worship on time, meeting/talking to this YAh-LEy-like friend about the movie, being served ice cream by "JC" (it was really not intentional, haha!), hearing swingers music...it really made for an enjoyable evening...but it wouldn't have been quite as entertaining without hearing the story about the 3-broken-bones-boy. i should learn to hold my tongue, however. i think i was being too much of a smart-mouth in commenting that he doesn't play basketball well, i mean...look who's talking.

SUNDAY:
what a beautiful day...mr. sun was fortunately not deceiving...how nice of him to bless us with his presence. when i was driving around SF, i thought about SoCal; maybe i AM a SoCal girl because i'm getting ready to put away my coats and looking forward to springtime! okay, so i'm dreaming a bit too early. nevertheless, sunday was a productive day: catching up on reading, bible studying, grocery shopping, running, and looking for basketball courts around town. watching U2 halftime show right before church made me even MORE productive...haha...

i had the chance to have dinner with chris and her coworkers and Mi and Th. even though i never really sat down to talk to any one of them, i'm really glad that i did last night. carrying on some engaging conversations always makes my day. the hidden talents of Th's native tongue and the "open-picking" (finally) of Mi's mind (as opposed to blogs) captivated me. i must also send out kudos to them for their mannerisms and etiquette for being fine gentlemen. no, i am not being sarcastic right now. even if we don't say it, i am very certain girls do appreciate the little details that guys do. somehow it can always make up for everything that was previously said or done....

we often forget how fortunate we are...at least i often do. i take many things for granted; i live in a world with limitless opportunities to do whatever my heart desires; i find time to whine. being able to take some time out of my busy schedule to make care packages for the homeless reminded me of those days when i worked at soup kitchens, when i personally delivered gifts to HIV patients in their homes, when i knew that every philantropic effort wouldand could make a difference. thanks to lumps last night, i got a chance to hear and share some of our personal experiences about homeless people. what made us the lucky ones...to be able to do whatever we want? to be able to speak our "minds" however we want? to be able to read blogs whenever we want? it must be the love from God. love is the greatest, most enduring power in the universe. then again, there is no other power. God is love and life and you and me...

but it wasn't just the awe-inspiring lumps yester-night that got me thinking about this. look what month it is! ahh...and i just finished watching the link of that 8-minute kiss-story. but other than filling up this blog about this love-inspiring talk, i think i've come to some realizations as well...