the inclusion of my comments section have undoubtedly instigated an eruption of bold and daring ideas that may have otherwise lay hidden in the "curious lacunae of astounding ignorance." how i value such insightful yet inconsequential remarks that excite the advocacy of the devil in me.

during the past week, i've been wandering--between liberation and fear, faith and hunger, a need to go back and the hesitancy to move forward. the striking feeling of a tear-filled day spent pacing back and forth, side to side, stifles my mind, my optimism, my idealism. where has my passion gone?

but when i finally sat down in front of the piano, staring at the keys, i allowed the magic to do its trick. like a stream running through the crevices of the sublime, the music flowed, words to eyes to mind to heart to soul to fingers, trickling through with life, pulsating. it was odd how the music connected with me. i hadn't practiced with the piano for that one song, maybe the tambourine at most. my faith was dancing with the music. it was in the ebb and flow, the tension between what was and what might be, that i died my little deaths. i really had no choice...really---such the demands of grace. i can submit myself to fear or go insane. i can live for the future or dwell in the agony of the days passed. i can die to selfish desires, only to ask to live. these choices---sound simple, but exceedingly difficult.

last night in my small group, i was asked to "move forward" in the "race." strangely enough, worries have diminished--in my very own heart--the "symbol i myself represented." the music reminded me that i can move, that one tiny step, only in faith. the irony of it all...how i must learn to apply it to my life and allow Him to do the rest...

we live in a world of relationships.

there are people who come and go, but never stop to say hello; people who stay, but our friendship never proceeds beyond the typical "how are yous;" people who i have known forever, related or not, but never made a real effort to know "me" or me to them; people who have come into my life, who i see as potential lifelong friends, but our intense friendship bonding moments soon flutter away after a few months of consistent emails/chats/calls. then there are those who serve as an inspiration for me; those who i feel completely comfortable in expressing myself 101%; those who take the time to make note of every detail in my life and sporadically check up to see how i'm doing; those who i never imagined would ever understand who i am, but can miraculously become my soulmates.

i've been lucky to have met so many different types of people ever since i started to travel around. these interactions have undoubtedly fed my introspective nature, as i begin to subconsciously mimic habits, patterns, lifestyles in reforming a better ME. some make me smile, some annoy the heck out of me (you know who you are!), some make my heart skip a beat...i'm so blessed with such amazing people in my life!

one person who makes me feel really good about myself is my professor who i currently work with. my interaction with him just reaffirms my decision to leave behind so much in irvine and move up to SF last august. aside from our intellectual conversations that i try to maintain my hold in, he acts as a father-or-grandfatherly figure who reads me fairly accurately. i can't say that about a lot of people i know. you'd think we have a generation gap, but no, he's totally my style in being an analytical thinker. a few days ago, we talked about a random topic of "university towns" and living in "bubbles;" today he gave me his follow-up comments after contemplating some more on his bike ride home. how great is that? someone who takes your words and give more thought! who does THAT these days? *wink* i'm actually fairly shy around him (yes, i can be so!). unexpectedly today, he gave me many pointers about life as well. with him being one of the role models i look up to, of course, i don't want to disappoint him in any way, but his comments, spoken wholeheartedly, gave me complete reassurance and fulfillment. his words were exactly what i was looking for today...

unfortunately, i definitely have IM withdrawal. while down in irvine this past week, i spent a considerable amount of time chatting away with some foolios during the day, accomplishing nothing but conversational immediacy. spending every minute at work looking at the clock and clicking the inbox button for possible new mail now can only get so engaging. i wouldn't say it was completely fruitless, however, because i did con a friend into divulging some rather personal blackmail-able information...hmm....this CAN be possible ammunition for me to instigate some "excitement" in my bleak and inane existence. but alas, i shall refrain from perpetuating this friend's "human evil twin," hoping that my consideration will one day diffuse his ichor.

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so even though life at work can get rather lonesome, i try to make the best of it. i predicted that yesterday would be an awesome day. well, nothing really inspired it to be at that calibar of description, but mr. sunshine was out and i decided to take a random lunch break...going home to grab a bite to eat, get a disk for work, and well, yeah, log onto IM. after being greeted by my fellow IM-addictees, i was once again sucked into the whirlpool of online chatting.

missing the risque-lana, i ended up spending the whole evening sharing thoughts and deep talks with au instead. we talked about everything--from gossiping about who did what to who we like. haha! just kidding, nosy peeps! the truth is, i am so incredibly thankful to have someone who understands me so well, to find someone who can tell me anything and for me to talk about everything. au is definitely someone who is on my list of good role models. i'm also thankful that my best friend got a chance to meet au before she left, because i know she'll be happy to know that there's someone here for me to talk to...though she can never be replaced.

words of wisdom from a conversation with my mommy...(well, okay, i put it in my own words...close enough)

look first into your heart and see what you find.
if you know or change what your heart desires, you will see changes in your actions.
if you see changes in the way you act, you will adapt to changes in your habits.
if you carry out these new habits, you will develop a new personality.
if you have a different personality, you will begin to see the changes in your path of life.

i walked in late...unfortunately without my cell phone on me (i don't memorize numbers these days), i wasn't able to give them a call. but instead, Jm greeted me with a smile and i walked in shyly, headed towards my chair and sat down. they had just started practicing the first song. my hands were cold and i felt foreign sitting in front of the piano. it's been about a month now since i last played along. due to my current apathetic state, i didn't know if i was up for practicing and playing for thursday night. "this will be interesting," i thought to myself. after about 15 minutes of staring at the others and at the words down on my paper, dC encouraged me to play along..."do whatever" he said.

so i did. in fact, i still "do whatever." but somehow, this time, i didn't feel as nervous as i did before; i was more comfortable with the melody and i was more comfortable with my team. tonight, jY was just fooling around, i thought, doing his own thing...but doing it really well--without a doubt. since they wanted another "piece of instrument" to be played at worship, i offered to "give it a try." omigosh, it looks so much easier than it really is. but somehow, i shed my quiet demeanor, and just carried on with the song. i was nervous with that in my hand; i had to concentrate really hard. i noticed that Fl felt my awkwardness; well, who wouldn't? i was somewhat embarrassed and very self-conscious. but when i looked up at dC, he reassured me with a smile and a nod...i took a breath and continued.

i'm looking forward to thursday again. whether it be in public, in a small team, or by myself, i'm learning to surrender myself. sometimes it feels a little scary...but i still have the words to that one email ringing in the back of my mind and it just makes me feel better...

It's been a while.

but, unfortunately, much will be left unblogged. i feel like i've been hiding myself, so-to-speak, in an effort to figure many things out on my own, to rely on my observations and instincts, to explore my boundaries and limitations as i make decisions, and most importantly, to get to know people better--free from outer influences--and for them to get to know me better at a more personal level. so without blogging the past week, i have, indeed, put my SF world aside and observed from a different angle. it looks rather "different."

i truly appreciate those (friends and family) who have noticed my lack of presence or my lack of "chippiness" as of late and have taken time out to catch up with me--yes, IM counts. =) i feel it in my heart, whether or not that half-smile of mine is barely there. the recent lows have been a distraction for me...that's why i'm taking the time to blog again--to reflect and to draw out conclusions to my why and how questions. as i've said before, it's narrative medicine.

ICE retreat: i was all over the place this past week, both physically and mentally. travelling has taken a toll on me. the ticker on my stress-meter started showing some activity when i was deciding whether or not to go on the ICE retreat two weekends ago. the unfamiliarity in being a high school counselor tensed me up. heck, i can talk, but not give advice! =P i didn't even know the other counselors well, how would i "mix in?" obviously, the self-conscious bon was preoccupying my mind at that time. thanks to several exhanges of emails with mC and later E's decision to go, i found myself tumbling down the slopes of tahoe that weekend. unfortunately, even snowboarding on saturday took major convincing....ugh....me and my stressed mind. i should be punished for my indecision!

inevitably, the late night talks and long day introspections out in the snow gave me plenty of "awake" time to fill my little brain with many unnecessary thoughts--maybe that was the start of my many ponderings. the truth is, i was around a group of highschoolers, some even younger than my lilsis' age, and i was hanging out with them, being silly. the insightful conversations we shared made me realize my lack of attention for my very own little sister. i've always been preoccupied with school, with my goals, and never taking time out to check up on her and her well-being...now i'm 500 miles away from home and i can't even take an active part in her life. so, being around a group of highschoolers made me feel old. the giddy personality each carried made me see ME, but several years ago. the way they respond, the way they ask for attention, the way they can put everything aside and not take responsibility...of course not to say that i'm ms. grown-up now. but at the same time, i notice how i've grown and how much i've changed...even simply from only a few months ago when i graduated from college and moved up to SF. in fact, being down in irvine this past week, a close friend of mine noticed how "i've changed." you're often curious when someone verbalizes that extremely ambiguous statement.



Family: there's nothing better than being open, honest, [and cranky] in front of your parents. there's nothing better than getting encouragements from people who care. there's nothing better than venting out by crying. ....hold on, take all that back....there's nothing better than ice cream. =)



so i was away...away from SF. being on IM during the day and chatting with all sorts of people made me miss the SF community. spending time with my old friends and eating with my relatives made me miss family. where exactly is home for me?

even though i was away, however, i think i learned more about myself and about SF than i originally intended. from phone calls to chats and emails, i played sherlock holmes without a watson. and since i didn't have a sidekick to put things into perspective for me, i should refrain from blogging about it now--to prevent myself from coming across as sounding judgmental. if anything, i value open conversations much more.

again, i did a lot of thinking on my way up. i wanted to make it to latelate and i'm glad i did--about 30 minutes before service. getting so many encouragements and smiles from my friends made me feel nostalgic. despite my extremely tired smile and my apathetic stance, i was indeed happy to be back. i think i've been starving for a hug, that's all.

this week was heavy for me. no need to recap everything, but i cannot help but smile when i think back....
how i appreciate my family, my IM chat with "T" even though it was 1am for her, a 3-way call with p and k, evan-n-jaron's motivation for me to "call," ride to/from service, insightful dinner conversation, dS' advice on PS2, my first blog comment!....ahh...and well, my chocolate....

Birthday Greetings to my Cousin "J"...getting older, getting wiser, getting more girls...haha!

Missing my mother.

Then: Arguments between my parents and me always seemed to stem from the same place. I was disobedient, rude, and of course, not like my perfect ijk cousins. I made careless mistakes on a science exam. I didn't practice piano long enough. Or I was simply immature, unthankful for their efforts. My parents lectured me, and I remember their grievances well. They would say: You don't know how fortunate you are. When we were your age, we never had [fill in the blank]. There are things in life you just have to accept---you just have to do without complaining---because life isn't about what you WHAT, it's about sacrifice. As long as you're living under our roof, you follow our rules. And the kicker, the bottom line that closed any topic, no matter what, was, "Everything we do--everything we've EVER done--has been for you."

After hearing their side of the story, my responses always sounded somewhat frail, foolish, even if I was a drama queen and delivered a good tearjerker every now and then. I challenged every word that fell from their lips and, although I'm ashamed to admit it, I copped a disrespectful attitude in our conversations, something I regret to this day and cannot erase. Of course my winning line was, "Nothing I do is ever good enough for you."

Now: The first person i'm most comfortable in being impatient at is my mother. She hears every word i say and feels every move i make. i know i don't need to tell her, but she knows when i'm frustrated. On the phone yesterday, with her incessant reminders, i became easily peeved. Being at work, i couldn't raise my voice, nor should i have since it was not her fault for my sulky attitude. But feeling so grumpy after getting off the phone with her, i felt really bad the rest of the day. i wanted to call her up and apologize right away, but work was overloading my shoulders and the normally unspoken "i love yous and i miss yous" may have sounded strange. the truth was, things that worried me have also made me feel as if i was disappointing my parents, as if i was not trying my best. i was indeed missing her.

I called her last night to "check-in" again. Unfortunately, my stomach was playing games on me, and i may have worried her. i know she understands that i'm going through a few different hurdles in life, and well, maybe i'm just in need of a hug.

As i've gotten older, my perspectives change. the way i see my parents, my siblings, and my other relatives has been transformed as i come into my independence. As i've moved from sweden to dc to sf, i slowly discovered that my parents and i have been on the same side after all. since i've been on my own for the very first time from college, my sheltered home environment of my youth has existed as more than nostalgic memories; distance has become a catalyst in creating new depth to my relationships.

i'm such a bad friend. i've been so wrapped up in my personal busyness that i haven't been able to keep track of the days. i'm usually one who remembers all important dates, sends out my regards on time, and leaves plenty of time to catch up with important people in my life. =( sawree....happy belated birthday "J"!

monday was a long day for me, going from one seminar to another, meeting after meeting. i was barely in front of the computer. =P so on my way down to SJ civic auditorium, i had to take two tylenols to suppress the throbbing headache i was experiencing. bonding with some sisters on my way down was fun, however; it was interesting to get different viewpoints about "getting married" and "living away from home." i got the chance to get to know Li a bit better too.

thanks to Dc, we all made it to the Third Day Concert in great time! somehow, my 5-boys will have to stand aside because my interest of them is diminishing, if not "Gone." bebo!!! awesome...that's all i can say. he has taken priority on my celebrity list. even this morning, i drove to work, listening to his Hammer Holds. his amazing talent along with stylistic lyrics seized me in a state of awe. while asking for an autograph and getting a personal picture with him last night, my heart was beating uncontrollably while i edged my way through the swarm of hungry-screaming fans. i didn't know how to get to him, but i didn't care. i was excited; i was impatient. fortunately, flew stuck out her hand to take my camera for me. taking pictures for my sisters thrilled me as well! bopping as a teen made me feel young again.

the energy and enthusiasm of third day captivated me as well: "your works cannot save you." everyone in the auditorium was feeling what i was feeling, i'm sure--a compelling force of believing and loving. music cannot get any better than live. feeling mL's passion, raising our arms, seizing the moment, absorbing the energy and giving energy...a moment that affirmed why i was there...

from eating espresso + vanilla bean ice cream at sweet inspirations *grin* to eating banana ice cream mixed with brownie at coldstone *grin*, i must say my weekend was quite fulFILLing. along with disney's classic cinderella on tv sunday night, i got to relive my childhood fantasies of being a princess with two "sisters." my weekend would appear naked for someone who skied down a black diamond or who got pampered with ritzy perks; but for me, it was simple and sweet.

contrary to what i intended for a friday night--doing NOTHING--i grabbed a burrito dinner down in mission and carried on an insightful, yet creative conversation with a friend. we jumped from apples and oranges to guavas and papayas, but the conversations always danced around a certain theme. am i just being overly analytical now, trying to formulate a bing-bang-bongo essay from a simple night? i think this idea has popped up in several conversations now independent of the conversers--hence, making it quite a worthwhile topic to blog.

we often cast judgement without fully knowing or understanding the circumstances of that situation, person, or thing. it's human nature to simply accept our natural instincts, our inherent biases, and respond with something that may be completely ill-founded. or maybe we're not having pre- or misconceptions, but we're simply too lazy to figure out the true meaning of that something. i used to be guilty of that (maybe i still am)--judging a situation without really knowing why. i missed out on a lot of activities because i assumed i wouldn't have fun, but little did i know, vegetating at home would not be any better. while taking a trip down memory lane, one of the distinct moments that surprised me was my internship in DC--a definite watermark in my life. spending a summer in a politcally-intense environment was not on my priority list, but i had applied because...um...curiosity. the lewinsky scandal sparked a lot of my attention, i remembered, but i hated politics. i may make a statement as bold as: i could never see myself being a politician or lawyer. but who was i to think politics was bad? i had no reason to judge something i had no knowledge about. policy was not in my vocabulary until then. somehow, my interaction with tipper tipped my balance and prompted me to pursue something completely unrelated to my career path. the truth was, this surprise, my new interest, gave me a push to give alternative opportunities a try. i could not have been more excited, more passionate about this change...

in my opinion, it's not fair to judge unless you were part of it yourself. so when my friend (later joined by another) and i chatted about the recent "service," a typical response would be to tease and ridicule. but no, i wanted to learn and understand more; in fact, i wish i was invited to attend and partake in this special event. ah hem! =) what i noticed was that being in the comforts of your own "zone," your own group of peers, it is easy to act the way you do, to fit in, to find your social niche, to belong. it becomes extremely easy to look at another niche, and judge. you set expectations according to your group's standards. it is easy to be who you are, or create who you are, because you're already a part of it. but what becomes difficult is to step outside of that stress-free zone, and STILL be who you are. with new and unique fascinations, you can easily fall prey into outwardly temptations. the conducts of being a christian, for instance, in a church or fellowship environment is set; there are no games to play. but once you situate yourself in a new surrounding, being yourself becomes more difficult. it is BEING yourself in such an environment and surviving that are more admirable. it is in situations like these that test where your true faith lies, where you stand as the inner you. i can stay in my comfort zone, but my growth would eventually plateau.

i've never been afraid to try new things, because i like the challenge...i like to question who i am, though sometimes it gets stressful. =) but the rules of the game of life are quite simple. even though i am only 22, i know that the fundamentals of who i am will not change.

****

waking up at 7am on a saturday morning was a foreign idea. but somehow, i managed. spending time at the worship conference down in mountain view was definitely worthwhile. i wish i stayed longer, especially to learn more about the keyboard. of course the savory combination of costco pizza and krispy kreme added to the highlights of a wonderful day!

sunday....spent my time at GrX, lunched with sister, bro-in-law, and dS. the rest of the weekend was dedicated to SHOPPING. sigh. it was tough, i tell ya. not an easy job. =) walking from one jeweler to another, i could not help but drool over the myriad designs of the colorless crystalline form of carbon. another day...another time. fortunately, the weekend was productive...after trying on about 10 different bridesmaid dresses and realizing that i look nothing like the models in the magazines, a good contender was discovered--maybe i was just pooped from trying on any more!