trust.
i've been wrestling with several options in my mind the past several days re: career, summer, relationships. i seem to always submit myself down a path of drama and contemplation---a melodramatic lifestyle that seems to entertain many spectators in the process. =P why all the questioning? why ask why? the truth is, when there is something worth putting my but on the line for, i must put my but on the line. if this but gets cut off, i must trust that i will be able to get along without it. as long as i have a but to rest on, i will often not trust myself...hence, "flogging the dead horse." it is when i figure out how to get along without a but...that i have discovered the meaning of trust.

i've been caught up with the busy-ness of everyday life again, barely finding any time to catch up on my own blogging or others' blogs...so just to fill the quota, i've decided to follow g*dub and include my storybook character for your entertainment...



which children's storybook character are you?

oh no, i'm the same as J.

day 3 and still going...
i flirted with the idea of walking to and from work. i entertained that idea on monday. yesterday was my third day continuing this at-first-glance-whimsical-idea of challenging myself.

the path has become familiar to me---i can always expect some elders meditating and sitting in that one yoga position, playing chinese opera music in the background. i can feel my calves calling for a massage whenever i reach three-quarters of the uphill climb. i can take scenic routes when i know i did not dilly dally in the morning. sometimes familiarity comes so easily. or am i just giving "it" and myself the chance to adjust? our willpower gives us so much potential to conquer so many big dreams, but how do we know we can succeed when we are only man? when it comes down to it, what i make in my own mind is what i put my faith into---just to prove to myself that what i believe is correct...

today i broke that walking trek and drove. i have a good excuse. i'm going to a sg progressive dinner after work down by the pier; i don't want to be late and i need a means to get there. *smile* but seeing her sparkle in the distant light made my heart beat faster. she has never been so incredibly beautiful in my eyes. both inside and out...i have never yearned for more attention than now. it's as if all of a sudden, something that has been nice has become, surprisingly, a gift.... maybe it's true, i have been missing out...maybe there's more hidden treasures to be uncovered?...timing is everything.

Tell me what you do and I will show you what you believe.

dressed in my exercise shorts with the nalgene bottle on the side of my peachy-orange bumble-bee like northface backpack snuggly strapped across my shoulders, i straddled across the street and headed into the park of unfamiliar trails. while being in ny a week ago, i had challenged myself to get to work by foot once i returned. also inspired by my friend, i was not going to let myself down. with rays of sunlight peering through the stratum of trees and leaves from above, i was thrilled to find myself completely surrounded by natural beauty, the simplicity and grace of all that abounds. after engaging myself in a productive, agenda-filled week of business, i came home to a quiet, yet contemplative world where my QT, though short, became quite reflective.

a girl consistently protected and provided for throughout life, i suddenly felt ashamed of my materialistic behaviors and impulsive tendencies in jumping from one destination to the next in my metallic spruce avalon without careful thoughts of adequacy. i know i have worked long and hard for many things i deserve in life, but i have also been blessed with much more than what has been necessary. who am i? what i am doing? am i missing the point?

trudging along the steep uphill incline of 10 long blocks, i found myself struggling to keep pace with my expectations of survival. why do i choose to do these "certain" things in life? what are my motives when making my decisions? abroad or no-abroad this summer, does it make all the difference for what and who i am?

walking to work suddenly had metaphorical meaning to who i am and what i believed. the daredevil in me (of not knowing the park trails) and the perserving character to get to the top both reminded me of my motives and priorities in life. in juxtaposition to the newsong message this sunday, getting to know Him better has brought my walk to reach unknowns of higher potentials. for sure i'm feeling a little too comfortable...but is it truly stifling my growth without daily contemplation? so where to next? what about the gifts He has blessed me with during the past several months? i do not wish to leave them behind. will they stay with me?

i just mailed off some letters today and on the blue postal box, i found a sticker that said: Smile. God loves you.

i think this was a purposeful trip. i went, took care of business, and came back. things like that always make me feel good---regardless of how much effort i had to put into it. i drove around the east coast. i got a feel for the different cities. i saw what i needed. i talked to those who were there. i had a taste of each place without romanticizing my previous thoughts. now, i have to decide...

braving the streets of nyc
i drove around the city, downtown, uptown, even harlem. i couldn't believe it myself. parents don't know it either. i think it helped to be a somewhat reckless driver with a bit of assertiveness. =) why am i blogging in short simple sentences? i am tired. i think it's the jetlag.

impressions and molds of my teeth
no, that's not a metaphorical term. with the very little sleep i've been having, i really can't begin to write poetically, not that i can when i'm alert anyways. after taking care of business, i spent the last full day of my trip chilling in nyu, making an impression of my teeth. i had to put a tooth-paste-like-consistency of alginate into my mouth and waited for it to solidify. the stuff was gross; it made me wanna gag. my dental student friend ended up going to the lab to pour a mold from that impression. hence, i will have eventually get a mold of my very own teeth to put on my desktop.

smiles...annoying?
the nyu friend said i smile too much. i asked if it was a bad thing. no response. no comment. pleaing the 5th? so what is it, annoying or no?....i remember being at lumps one night and jW asked what's up with the smirk of mine--as if i was in some sort of mischief. no, i was just estatic! shesh...deal with it!

**i apologize for the minimal quality (or lack thereof) of my recent bloggings. i'm tired, yet i wanted to make note of certain happenings. i'll do a better job next time, i promise.

allow me to continue on my sunday nite adventures...
i crashed in the car. it was a good power nap of about 45 minutes---just enough for me to be excited about going back to my friend's place and meeting my daily quota of brad pitt (hey, we share the same initials...). i watched fight club (finally!).

i can't blog about it. that's the first rule. i can't talk about it. that's the second rule.

the dialogue distinguishes itself from the rest. it targets the angst of those in fight club---a generation consumed by capitalism and materialism, searching for a spiritual purpose in life. for some, the interior monologue of tyler durden of such self-loathing and masochist self-indulgence might be a little over-bearing with it's extended, violent ending. but the experience lingers, demanding to be pondered and considered, and unlike the other modern-day suspense thrillers, there is a lot to think about and argue over, no?

mischief. i always get myself into mischief. that's part of living life. we need a little adventure ever-so-often.
mayhem. i commit none. i'm a goodie goodie. but if you have dangerous thoughts, it'll force you to confront them as you would any problem before you and expect you as a "reasonable human being" to come out with the right answers.
soap. i use soap.

the soles of my feet hurt. i've been walking too much around ny. i think this place is getting to be a bit overwhelming for me. i think there's too much happening and the people are a bit too extreme. i wonder why i'm feeling this way. maybe it'll help with the decision making process. am i being fair?

sunday adventure in nyc
i've never met anyone like him before. the epitome of who he is, the values and morals of what he believes, the attitude he carries, him, everything about him, is a complete 180 of who i am. he's russian, not that ethnicity should have any bearing on our overarching differences. he talks of wanting to date gold-digging hot girls and needing to spend his money lavishly. he strolls along the streets of NYC and randomly buys a cigar. he is a nice guy, but the polar opposite of me. he is Ed.

i sat in the backseat while my hs friend and Ed chatted on random, but definitely peculiar, topics of conversation. i did not wish to contribute since i knew the "devil's advocate" would get the best of me. but at the same time, i chuckled every time Ed made an absurd comment. he is so hilarious. he reminds me of a character in samuel beckett's plays. his adamant views on religion, casual response to sex, and uncanny attitude in living life made me wonder how and where he came from exactly---what made us so different. but contemplation didn't go far when i decided to change the conversation to asking him about popular russian desserts. he paused at the question. i waited. after several minutes of verbal remarks of nothingness--or maybe i was just too dense to comprehend through his thick russian accent--he said: jam.

jam? what the heck? how is jam a dessert from russia? i thought i heard wrong, only because who would say jam? now maybe i'm not a dessert connoisseur, but where did he find that response? so he went on explaining how the "popular" desserts for the past 200 years would not be considered russian desserts, since it has no history. "america is only freaking 200 years old!" my friend commented. while my friend tried to get him to elaborate, all i was doing in the backseat was hyperventilating, laughing so hard that my mouth was wide open and no sound was coming out. can you just see me?

anyways, so spending time with this unusual character-filled individual was a different experience for me. i don't think i was judging him because i just can't compare him to anyone i know!--but definitely amazed to find him. i've never met anyone like him before.

de la guarda
trippy. very trippy. a different broadway-like experience where you watch from above, seeing people swing back and forth...almost like a big party for young people, but parents and kids are allowed. trance-like soundtrack. i can see myself in the cast---it would be an awesome temp job for a year or two in nyc. it was high-energy. after the show, we drove back to long island and i immediately crashed.

it's 4am in new york. i should be sleeping now, considering that i've been up since 7am california time. on top of that, the last 3 nights i've been staying up til ungodly hours in the night, eating pints of ice cream and sharing my thoughts and contemplation about life. i can't believe i'm back here again, though i must admit, the perfect spring weather has been extremely welcoming this time around.

running around getting film and a phone card prior to my departure was a really last-minute errand i had to do, but with great company and perfect sf weather, i grabbed a "pineapple bun" and headed to the airport in no time. as one of the randomly chosen passengers, i was checked from head to toe through the security guards prior to boarding the plane. as others stared in my direction, i could only chuckle and take the matter lightly, otherwise i would've been annoyed for being stopped at the gate when others were straddling on by without any hindrances. i'm usually not one who pays for the headset for either video or audio entertainment on the plane ride, but this time, i did. the plane was showing ocean's 11. yeah, okay, so i've seen it already on opening night, but it sure doesn't hurt for that charming smile of brad's to further highlight my glowing saturday. my layover in philly was a nice one, being able to catch up on some reading, some letter-writing, and some conversing with sH. although i enjoy travelling, however, i've noticed that i'm beginning to enjoy the company of maybe another companion----someone to share similar and different stories with. i wonder why ms. independence no longer wishes to be so independent. i've been having more thoughts about the direction i'm headed. a little too scary, i might add, but i will not deny that this newness is rather thrilling at the same time. the introspection stems from a soon-to-admit-to-myself-decision that (i believe) already lies in my heart. as a person who plans and takes a course of action, i will not deny that i do have a clue of where this is headed. at the same time, my heart and my mind usually do not go hand in hand, until an irrevocable decision is reached.

flying into new york city late at night was magnificent. the manhattan skyline was gorgeous.

i am one lucky girl. i can simply hop on a plane and go from place to place whenever i need/want. not a lot of people have that luxury or opportunity. my parents are right: i have a mind of my own. what to do...what to do...

"girls just want to have fun" is on the radio in the background. i remember making a karaoke video tape on my grad nite of hs senior year. i still have that tape. it was one of those bonnyth moments where i sang and danced and beamed like there was no tomorrow--doing some sort of body roll, that uma-pulp-fiction-twist, catching quite a bit of attention with my girlfriends on stage. ha. those were the days--the innocence, the carefreeness, the worry-free attitude.

"i grew up in the sheltered city of irvine, ca. i attended the university in my backyard. i never went out to look for opportunity because it came to me. i felt invincible."

these words began my many statements of purpose---the before-me transitioning to the me-now. it's funny because although i can always direct it to some sort of revelation (how i've grown and what i've learned), like hitting a possible conclusion for each exciting chapter in my book, i still look back and question what i am doing, where i am going. the undeniably big decisions that lie ahead are nerve-racking yet exciting. uncertainty now has a different definition---it dwells in a world of intrigue and mystery, a world that is waiting to be discovered and explored, a world that i will never be alone.

i pride myself with the heartfelt passion that guides me in many things i do in life. and lately, i've been feeling rather strongly about my decision to go on a missions trip. sounds funny, sounds strange. not a typical bonnyth thing to do, i might add. but lumps last night strengthened my desires to do something that i now feel so strongly about. like many others, the decision cannot and will not be confirmed until i step onto the plane. but i knew i would hit this wall of disagreements, of possible arguments, and of unsettling considerations for other people. the biggest stumbling block i have recently encountered is the one that i have and hold most preciously: my parents. am i being selfish for choosing to do something that i want to do? what about my sister's wedding? am i not putting enough consideration into this, jumping quite impulsively into something that sounds so fun and new and different and...? to what end? how far will i have to go in introspecting this idea in order to come up with the right decision? what is right? patience. He is teaching me patience.

may i present to you (too bad not nuncupative), my oh-so-troublesome, roguish yet playful, grandiloquent yet applicable, candid yet truthful friend who has finally blessed the public with his creative verbal spirits: blog fu. time for some fun, eh?

a delayed gratification.
finally! alas!

"i know what i need to do, but i'm afraid to do it."
"even the smallest people can change the course of the future."

sometimes i just need that kick in my behind and things will start moving. thanks to my agent, both through persuasion and inspiration, i finally went to see LOTR. so....as if YOU don't know already, the anonymous girl was lil ole ME...shall i entertain my avid readers with the email gdub sent out?

wanted: LOTR watchers...
does anyone want to see lord of the rings?
maybe you're thinking that everyone else in the world (except for you) has seen it already...and you're doomed to miss out and see it on the small screen, because you don't want to be lame and see it alone.
perhaps you saw it already and want to see it for the umpteenth time (now with a bonus added trailer previewing the next movie). you'd also love to witness again why it won the oscars for best make-up, cinematography, and score.
well, one anonymous lumps girl desperately wants to see it in the big screen (for the first time). but won't by herself.
this pondering person thinks it's too random (or embarrassing) for her to spam lumps. so as the good brother, i'm willing to oblige in her behalf to help her find a lord of the rings date. (i however don't want to watch it again.) looking for a guy or girl. doesn't matter. even better if there's a group of a few of you.
so if anyone still wants to see lord of the rings, lemme know and i'll set it up.
gw

so a group was arranged. maybe because people soon found out that "i" was the anonymous one, slowly, people started to bail. =( (okay, other time commitments maybe?). but thanks to loyal D, i finally went. wow! it was not what i expected. heck, i didn't even know what to expect, but all i knew was...this was a really captivating movie. my attention span never dropped; i was thoroughly entertained. the dialogue was strong in several parts...

as in the thoughts of Gandalf, we should not worry about the decisions that lie ahead of us...we have no control...but instead, worry about the time we choose to decide on them.

a road less travelled.
today, i walked down that corridor with confidence and nostalgia. it feels different from the last time i was there. i feel different. sometimes, it feels like my months in SF have been challenging and strenuous, that i've been tackling problem after problem, without a breath of fresh air--as if i've been trudging along so slowly that i'll never see the finish line. but when i turn my head around and look back, i no longer see that starting point either. i only see the fondest memories that i've shared with so many people...i have travelled so far, grown up so much, since then. and all i want to do is thank Him for giving me such strength--how else could i have done it? growing up is difficult, but not impossible. He gives me something to look forward to everyday; there is always something unique, every waking moment. and that, in itself, brings a smile to my face.

i went to a seminar today on health policy in the European community. my professors advised me to go, because when anyone hears about something like that, they think of me. it defines me quite fittingly. but sitting there, with half my attention listening and the other half daydreaming, i realize that i no longer have that burning desire to bounce around the globe and reach for the gold. am i losing ambition? hmmm, maybe. but more importantly, i am satisfied. i am so much more open to the new adventures that lay ahead for me. it's a wild feeling, i tell ya---the nostalgia comes from missing the old self, but yet, growing in the new. i think it's just one of those...i-really-appreciate-today kinda feeling. i left the seminar early to drive around SF; i drove towards the beach, got out, walked around, and then hopped back into my baby and drove around some more. i think i'm going to try to take longer lunch breaks outside of my lab....that way, i can appreciate SF during the day too. =)

this past weekend:
my sister.
she's gorgeous. she's absolulely amazing. my lil sis, cousins, and i went to take a look at her wedding gown; she tried it on for us. the lines were simple, the style was classy...i almost cried just simply watching my sister stand there, in front of the mirrors, and to top it all, she didn't even have her makeup or hair done! i thank Him for making her so beautiful and so lucky. we're like apples and oranges; some couldn't even tell that we're sisters. but that's what's so amazing about our friendship...we complement each other well.

children's ministry.
this Sunday, i played with 3-5 year olds and taught them a bible study with Larryboy. creating a storm in a water bucket, teaching them that Jesus calms, running around chasing after them, making arts 'n' crafts with them, chewing on string cheese without swallowing...all that made me want to drop everything and enjoy the simplicity of everyday life. i miss being a kid, without any responsibilties, without any fears...just pure innocence. too bad i missed my friends at service...and too bad another (ahem!) slept right through service...maybe next time...=)

that girl.
these past several years, i've gotten to know her pretty well. she's a character, always trying to solve the many mysteries in life--as if she has the ability, the power, to overcome whatever is handed to her. i've seen her struggle, i've seen her win, but what is most precious about her is her dedication in being real. no tricks up her sleeves, no games in mind, just her, that silly girl.

as she was talking about him, i wanted to stop and question her. there were certain things that seemed to insinuate other ideas. i wonder if she was in denial. i haven't noticed anything between the two of them; in fact, they haven't interacted as much as they did before. but from the way she was talking, could it possible that her concerns were a little more than just concerns? hmm...me?...been there, done that. i wish i could stop her--from standing on that ledge or even falling over; maybe it's too late. maybe this is something that shouldn't be stopped--to just simply let emotions go, run wild. but i know that it just might break her heart, if one day, she sees him with someone else. the way she talked about her "concerns" made me feel her twinge of pain for being in the dark from him. but, i can do nothing but simply let her be. maybe things will pan out differently when he finally sees her. oh this vicious, yet endearing cycle.

GSB Springbreak Part III

after limping back into nyc, i found myself sitting outside of D's apt, sitting on the steps, reading my book. after minutes of seeing him, i met N and C as well, both of whom were iv staffers in berkeley. that night, we headed out to the good friday service at columbia, giving me the chance to see D in action. what a social butterfly! (okay, as if i didn't know already). it's amazing how he can jump from group to group with that charisma, that enthusiasm, holding that sincere and genuine smile of his. after hearing tim keller speak, the life applications put some focus back into my life as well. in an attempt to see the new york nightlife, we've failed miserably--it being a very unique friday for many, especially after 9/11.

i had half a saturday left. i think i got lucky because the usually-over-domineering-M decided to follow with whatever last minute ny highlights i wished to accomplish. joy! we grabbed a bagel sandwich down the street and caught up with a lot of random tidbits of everyday life. other than ODing on desserts the past several days, i think our next stop was my highlight of ny--FAO! wow. of course, i was a tourist, taking pictures with the big bear and a dressed up toy-soldier out in the front entrance. my eyes sparkled with excitement as i walked in. maybe rather annoyingly childish to my overly-serious friend M, i still managed to shoo the little kids away from my (okay, so eventually, but not now) $300 patrick to take a picture. shesh, i couldn't even lift him up. our next stop was the Met. funny thing was, we probably spent more time at FAO. haha. i had hoped to grab ice cream on our way to the Met, but i really only had a little less than two hours to run through it.

with very little time, i found myself standing in the middle of each room, making 360 turns and catching only glimpses of each painting. the techniques, the lighting, the perspectives...all of which i've studied extensively back in school was neglected. but that one caught my eye...seeing it from that angle made me feel like i was there....but really, it looked SO familiar. why's that? i thought to myself. i walked closer to the painting, and without even reading the title of the painting, i knew where it was: the interior of St. Peter's in Rome--Vatican to be exact. how real the painting was in depicting the cathedral, minus the altar, the chairs, the guards. i remember it was about four years ago when i walked through the high-arched ceilings, completely astonished by the magnificent architecture while attending mass with Pope Juan Paolo II. those europe days...makes me wanna go again.

speed-walking back to pick up my stuff with a sore ankle did not affect me one bit, since i knew i should inhale every last minute of nyc before leaving. exploring the world on my own creates prolific episodes of bonnyth introspections. some retreat to their quiet corners, some party hardy with their friends, some exercise intensively to work off the everyday stress....for me, i travel. as st. augustine once said, one who does not travel only reads one page.

temporary postponement of GSB Springbreak Part III

the mean boys upstairs have moved out! yay! i cannot begin to tell you how great this feels...

last night, i spent some quality time with au, having a decent (yeah, just decent...*grin*) dinner, catching up on personal life dramas, and going through an extremely relevant chapter in our studies about old vs. new self. i know i've mentioned it before in my previous blogs, but i cannot begin to describe how estatic i am in having her in my life. every time we catch up, to no avail, i learn, i grow, i blossom into someone who holds the faith to walk, who sets aside my fears, and who opens up my heart to new avenues that life has to offer. i know, without a doubt, gk and L are happy to hear me say that, right? =) i feel new ever since i've returned to SF. before, i continually asked to be protected, promoted, and served. but is that how life should be? there's also a part of me who thinks i'm not valuable, that there's something wrong with me, that i can't do anything...one way it manifests itself is in false humility. are we all not guilty of that? as an asian, i have grown up to contradict those who have sincerely complimented me. then there is that humble self-effacing response, secretly hoping that someone will contradict me! this is all evidence of an old self---where one constantly centers around oneself---the pride in one's strengths and the weaknesses of one's imperfections. don't get me wrong, i am not ms. perfect. but i am beginning to realize that self-acceptance is basically trusting Him for who I am, disabilities or physical flaws and all.

without a doubt, what other inevitable topic lies prevalent in girl-talk? probably the same topic that lies in guy-talk. boys, girls, friendships, relationships. i must say, last night, i didn't have much to contribute, only because my bucket has been fairly dry for awhile now and i was happily listening and learning to what au wanted to teach me. it is easier for me to ask her questions about her situation, and thus gather advice through that...especially since we're both so similar. as depicted in the movie "two can play the game," living in the 21st century definitely poses standards for an exciting, thrilling date. the initial appeal of mind games may be fascinating and appealing, but how long can it last? according to au, the guy definitely holds the duty and responsibility to make his intentions clear. independent of this conversation earlier this week, another sister of mine perceived the same thing. i definitely affirm, but is it just as attractive for me to hear honesty as it is for the guy? or are these just other rules of this "game?" whatevers. it was just highly engaging for me to listen to her talk about all this because quite frankly, her bountiful experiences surpass my own.

this morning, i went to work and made a call to my advisor back in SoCal. i like talking to him because our conversation always leaves me a bit edgy, yet saucy as well. it was nice to get a professional viewpoint on some of the ponderings i've been having lately. what is my passion? that is the question. i left feeling a bit stunned, tongue-tied, lost for words...i don't know how and where to pursue my passions. why is that? what happened? the last time i found my passion was abroad. he suggested that i go on vacation. haha...me too. =) he commended on my response of not knowing and said that we've finally progressed after spending about 5 minutes updating him about my life here in SF. i didn't think that was an answer. in fact, how can that be a sense of progress? later i realized that it is because i am "at choice." the explanation behind my confusion and frustration is that the feeling of being at choice makes me feel closed in, as if i don't have a direction or a plan. contrary, however, maybe i can see it as me being free, being open to new and exciting adventures that abound. through our liberating talk, although we never fully concluded on anything, he proposed my first mission to uncover my passions...to prioritize and evaluate my actions: when i do something completely different, when i go with my first instinct without further questioning or analysis, when i purposely gravitate to what i'm good at , when i imagine myself in that position...how do all these make me feel? my second question is...is this the way to find my passion? oh darn, i'm overanalyzing again.

addendum to Part II

addicted to IM even in boston, i was thankful that "trouble-boy" gave me a mission which i accepted---to go to Legal's and try the following: boston chowder (served at 9 presidential inaugurations!), crabcakes (i'm vandalizing the savoring names), and bananas foster! wow! <--vanilla bean ice cream topped with hot caramel and rum and of course bananas!

Part II of III

we straddled onto the subway train, found some "handicap seats" open and sat down across from him. dressed in a black jacket with a blue-police-like patch on the side of his arm, he cautiously looked up at the corner of his eyes from his slouching position. my quiet introspection did not fail to notice the scars on his hand and the lines of suspicion on his face; the metro running through the slums of nyc kept me on alert as well. he prudently pulled his black duffle bag closer to himself. after about 30 seconds of settling down, he opened a can of worms i would never have expected.

the conversation opened with the topic of bruce lee. there was so much passion in his voice; the exuding pride and knowledge captured my attention. with that new yorkan accent, he says: "bruce lee, man, no one stands a chance...no jackie chan, no jet li...he's the dragon!" his eyes lit up as he annunciated the last word. i found it funny; i had to chuckle. but what amazed me more was where this conversation turned as he talked about his philosophy on religion. you can always spark an interesting, substantial conversation when you find someone holding a book. he did. he was holding a book called "new sisters." he was no ordinary african american you see on the streets of nyc. he became muslim a few years ago and insisted on passing the knowledge of religion. he claimed he has read several religious texts, inc. the bible and the koran. i believed him. he lacked proper schooling, but he was educated. he believed in passing out books/literature freely; he believed in priceless knowledge; he believed in the freedom of knowing.

not having been on public transportation in SF or LA (yeah, okay!), i admit that me being spoiled has made me miss out on cross-cultural interactions like these. maybe it's just a ny thing? this springbreak has made me realize that there is still so much to see out there. this world is SO SO big.

soho: i went prancing around soho and i found my store! Zara is a spanish store that i fell in love with when i was backpacking around Europe---there aren't any west coast locations, boohoo. although they have a website, they have no catalogs nor online ordering either. so what is the purpose of that? just a tease?!?


first time in boston
i must recommend the chinatown NY-Boston bus. dlu suspected i'd get lost in finding it. ha! i pride myself with a good sense of direction. =)

brains: surrounded by brains at mit was something i anticipated. i was worried that i might find myself completely intimidated and turned off. well, you can DEFINITELY feel the intense brainpower within that mit and harvard aura, but honestly, they're just regular people. they talk, they laugh, they eat like all of us. it is not what i expected; it is not difficult to imagine myself in boston. to say the least, this college town was an awesome place. au contraire to what my pompous-know-it-all-bostonian friend thought...the weather was GREAT in the month of march. believing in this friend made me overpack. =P

i am lame: so i spend several days on the east coast for vacation...just pleasure, no work. amidst this time of pure relaxation, i find myself carelessly stepping into a pothole and limping for the rest of the trip. thanks for gkim's motherly care, my sprained ankle was able to handle more fun after that....in fact, even after feeling the excruciating pain on the sidewalk for several minutes, i walked into the Thom Brown store and my eyes sparkled when i saw so many wonderful pairs of....yeah, you guessed it, SHOES! =)

time to go home--to ny: due to some "i-knew-it-but-no-one-believed-me" circumstances, i ended up taking the chinatown bus back to NY alone. spending several hours in the chinatown of boston was not the most pleasant feeling. when the bus passed by new haven, a spark of interest flashed through my mind...i began to wonder...

Part I of III

wow.
i knew i was ready to get back into the swing of things since i came home again. i definitely feel refreshed--maybe even more so after spending a bright and early easter service in my girlie-springtime outfit (high heels, skirt, little cute-sy purse)--it's always nice to feel like a girl again; maybe it was being welcomed back with such great weather and beaming smiles from my friends in SF. and yes, i'm calling this place home.

i headed out to the airport feeling a bit of despair. travelling was not something i wanted to do. He has been kind, for sure, giving me several breaks in between during the week--having ao commenting on my heavy-heartedness, allowing aa to share with me her personal experiences, chatting with my fobby-yet-grammar-pinching friend on IM, bonding time at mpact, eating ice cream RIGHT before i board! (ooh...definitely living on the edge). but i think "skeptically paranoid" was right...you can only share so much on a public domain.

anyhow, time wasted on wallowing in my own despondency was time wasted on people who care about ME. so let's begin my grand adventure of seeing the light at the end of the tunnel (or wait, was it the train coming? just kidding! heehee)....

GSB NYC and Boston Springbreak 2002
a symbol of hope: the "Sphere" was placed in the fountain between the twin towers about 3 decades ago. though damaged, it still stands in another park (currently) and will eventually be brought back to where it belongs. this feeds my understanding of hope--about holding onto something that you know is true even when it's hard to comprehend it.

Rent: i've seen it before and didn't expect to spend another NY nite watching it. but i did and i'm glad. it was no doogie-howser production (Ahmanson Theatre in LA), but roger was awesome! a guy with a voice can go a long way.

gloom gloom gloom.....
mom left me a message. me not happy. me go and cry. C brings me to Serendipity. me eat frrrozen hot chocolate and forbidden broadway sundae. me fall to one of my two weaknesses...
same day, later that night...
me no energy to eat with my buddies. me cry horrifically in front of L. L takes me to Cafe Lalo. me fall again. =)

a sense of liberation swept over me. i cannot begin to describe this feeling other than understand and know that He is paying attention, and He is taking care of me. when you hear bad news, the first instant is to feel sad, feel sorry for yourself. and you bet i did! but somehow, facing that demon...my fear, my pride...i realized there's nothing else i CAN do simply knowing that i HAVE done all that i CAN do already. i may not have handled it any better anywhere other than being in NYC with my friends and sharing a rather liberating conversation with mL. i must say, this rather vague depiction of my gloomy tuesday in NYC would probably mean nothing to most of you, but at the same time, maybe i can pass on a seed of hope? to know that it is such great grace to practice self-examination...to come out of our denial about our losses...and to fight resolutely on...