i've left my tutu behind.

a different time in space, a different space in time, another memory that would never be lost. my birthday celebration began when i received birthday wishes even before the clock struck midnight here in CA. an IM chat from a thoughtful friend a gadzillion miles away made me feel special even before my princess day arrived. though nostalgic the night before, i came to work in the morning, only to find a vase of flowers beside my computer--a great way to kick off a rather momentous morning! showered with ecards and phone calls and IM messages throughout the day, i tried to stay responsible. contrary to what i intended (to take off work early to dilly dally in the city), i was RESPONSIBLE nevertheless, working into the normal hours of a normal working person. my postdoc had baked cupcakes for me and making my birthday wish again, i felt that the "force was with me." reminded of how special i was by the scent of the flowers in the room, i could not contain my excitement of learning that i am truly truly a beloved child of God.

coming home, getting ready, i went off to my birthday dinner at Bocce--which i might add, was not the best italian restaurant here in SF. hey, like i always said: it's not what you do, but who you do it with. spending quality and somewhat dramatic time only made me lose sight of real time; hence, i missed out on agent g*dub and his henchmen's clue city challenge. i wore my favorite skirt, only to be teased by punkster tN while walking into lumps. =)...but it was definitely nice to receive a hug from her and to know that both our exciting adventures laid ahead on the east coast--a place awaiting our mischievous and somewhat impulsive desires. across the room with so many happy faces, L voiced "happy birthday" and i voiced back, thank you. it was such an endearing experience to know i was remembered. giving kudos to g*dub for initiating a fellowship of voices for the birthday song, i stood there shyly, giving my passive nod of thanks, and delighted myself into some good conversations with sisters and brothers i had not recently caught up with. i came home, again engaging myself in a rather deep conversation and giving thanks to all those who made me feel so loved. unlike my previous birthdays, i indeed felt the love from all those around me, all those who became a part of my princess world and made my day priceless. from the bottom of my childish heart, thank you.

without a doubt, i'm the luckiest girl.

last night, i laid myself down, reminiscing of the world i came into about nine months ago. the former scars and wounds of my heart at that time had left me hopeless. but in my response to pain, i had learned how to endure and realized that all was a process of sanctification--becoming like Him. miraculously, i became blessed with such gifts that i would never want to leave behind. with the ticking of time (and sometimes time not ticking fast enough), i again felt the sudden tugs at my heart, of soon leaving this wonderful world that had been labelled as my home. i can't. i just can't.

worried and anxious, i logged onto IM, hoping to find the psuedo-human contact that i was starving for in my room. can i ever be at peace with my decision to leave? after finding comfort from the words of S, i tried to fall back asleep....again, i was questioned by the words of C: to whom do i look to first? in a sudden glimpse of reality, i was reminded of truth. i was not starving for human contact. i was hungry for Him. catching another glimpse of inspiration, i sat there, speechless, motionless, and found myself completely irresponsible for my behavior of negligence. i said my prayer--my exercise of drawing on the grace of God. and quietly, my eyes closed shut and i fell asleep...

suddenly mine
O Lord, may I believe in the darkness
When all hope has vanished
When waves beat with fury
And no star lights my sky.
May I believe without
Feeling or knowing or proving
Till one shining moment when
You shatter the darkness
And all I believed for
Is suddenly mine.
--Ruth Harms Calkin

i, as a witness

it was my intention to spend some quality time with my friends and family this weekend. undeniably, i have neglected my lilsis somewhat, simply moving from place to place, satisfying my curiosity to explore. little did i know, i had very little to contribute when it came to her thoughts and development about college prospects. despite my lack of beauty rest, getting into irvine at 4:30am sat morning, i wanted to go running with her around our nearby track that morning. with a group of asian guys ready to play soccer in the middle of the track, i knew my sister may not be comfortable with others watching her run. being highly impressionable at this point in her life, my lilsis has always looked up to her older siblings with due respect and utter fondness. my bigsista and i may or may not be great role models, but everything we do can leave an impression on her childish mind. the changes in me have been evident in her innocent eyes, and she has inquired on several accounts now re: my level of maturity at this point in time. am i really mature? no. am i growing? yes. being able to share my testimony with her that morning made me realize that she can be more than a younger sister. she can one day, sooner rather than later, be a peer.

i always saw myself as a youngin when it came to talking about my faith and my walk. i would never boast about my relationship with Him; in fact, i find myself exceedingly vulnerable when it comes to sharing my personal talks (prayers). it usually takes a lot of trust for me to share that spiritual intimacy with someone. with my growing faith and my ever-changing views, i would never expect my very own impressionable state of mind to impress on another. but somehow, He has been using me, indirectly, subconsciously...however i can, to serve as a vessel to contain Him and His Spirit. He means to live out the reality of who he is right here within the reality of who i am.

i found myself being a witness all weekend long--to the people who mean a lot to me. lacking sleep, i can be cranky and difficult to please. =) i had minimal motivation to hang out with my friends on sunday night when i was torn between two different groups of friends. my parents had bought me a cake; i had specifically asked for one--in hopes of finding other means to make a wish (i am definitely a believer). so to avoid driving anywhere far, i casually invited my friends to come over for cake---some christians, some nonchristians. bouncing from one click to another, i used that opportunity to catch up with all my friends, to understand and hear where they are at in life. even though my eyelids were growing heavy at the ungodly hours of the night, i managed to carry a heart to heart talk with my hs-ny-friend. my best friend was sleeping on the other side of the room, but i knew she was half-listening to what i had to say. i was being honest. i was sharing with them my young views about life--how i have learned to trust in Him, to cast and surrender all my doubts and fears to Him, to live in His glory. it was not my intention to preach nor to project myself as a spiritually more superior being, but that was what i was made for---not to be a god, but to contain God.

i attribute my discovery of my heavenly Father largely to what I had known of the goodness of my earthly family and friends (esp. Aa, dL, mL). they showed plainly that their lives were lived in a region of profound faith in an ever-present God. i could not but see that He was to them a reality beyond all other realities. Of religious teaching i had but little, but of religious example and influence i had a never-failing supply. Not by talking, but by daily living, were impessions made on my childish heart.

2.5 weeks...at least.
that's how long my baby will be away from me. the preliminary estimates are $6,200 right now. although i won't be paying a single dime for that, it still hurts to know that she has so much damage...guess i'll have to live with my buick for a while longer. speaking of which, i might as well just take it for a drive this weekend. =)

Putting things into perspective.
reminiscing about my college years, i became increasingly aware that either the world was changing a lot faster than i thought, or i had grown up in an unusually sheltered, monolithic environment. it was probably a combination of both. prior to my aspiration of finding a voice, i used my middle-child-syndrome-excuse to justify my trying desires to win the approval of men. while born too late to get the special treatment of a firstborn and too early to get away with murder so-to-speak, i subconsciously molded myself into any parents' masterpiece: a daughter who led a flawless, carefree life sculpted with the ideals of propriety, intelligence, and felicity. that was the external me. as i continued to live a life of pleasing people, i slowly based my self-worth on what and how others would think of me. i was nice. i was kind. i was submissive. somehow, i allowed myself to be bound to the capricious feelings of people--a weight that was ultimately necessary to be confronted and thrown off. when others were looking at me, when eyes were watching every move i made, i began to question my purpose, my righteousness, and most importantly, my understanding between right and wrong. i yielded to peer pressure to seek acceptance.

college definitely shed some light into my otherwise dependent existence. but lately, i found myself asking and knocking on others' doors for their approval again--not merely for their inputs, but for them to dictate some very personal decisions in my life. i put many outsiders' feelings above those immediately involved (myself included). the irony is that i'm not being generously considerate, but deceivingly selfish. He spoke to my heart and began to tell me: apparently all that concerns me is whether people like me or not. can i not just speak to Him and get no other response? is it not enough to just please Him and no one else? this process has been difficult. i am only beginning to truly understand what it means to let go of that weight in my life...to have that balance. my QT has been telling me so.

it is easy to go on with my own desires, but to listen and to respond and to accommodate can be so difficult, sometimes even frightening. Li inspired me to find that balance last night. =) somehow, even though my talk with Ch scared me somewhat with the uncertainty that loomed ahead, i knew that each and everyone of us had our own walks to follow. i don't know how i can do it, and that is what's frightening. i worry that if He were to tell me to let go when i become an imbalance to someone else's walk, i may not find the strength to. how i can confidently run to His glory requires a great deal of faith...hopefully, things will fall into place when i put them into perspective.

catching up.
it almost seems as if i've unplugged myself somewhat from the SF life. ever since i've settled back into my home from all the travelling, i've been focusing my attention on work: staying later, working harder, feeling the grind. sister's wedding plans are also wrapping up; which means, i need to seriously get in shape if i want to fit into the bridesmaid dress. time has been limited when it comes to all the IM chats and social gatherings with my friends...in fact, i haven't even hung out with my CAL friends since january.

maybe it's my way of "letting go," my way of dealing with my attachments. catching up on some goodbye-blogs made me realize how sad i truly am when it comes to thinking about leaving SF. it's almost as if i'm subconsciouly slipping away to prepare myself for my future departure--to soften the deep heartfelt sadness that will inevitably come by my way.

having discipleship with my sister on saturday brought tears to both our eyes. no, not just simple whimpers, but full-on tears. i will miss her. i will miss so many people, and knowing that people are slowly leaving one by one, i can only thank Him for putting them in my life in the first place. as i've mentioned earlier in my previous blogs, all the gifts i've received may or may not stay when i go out into the world again...

watching star wars with 20+ others brought back the meaning of friendship. there IS no point for incessant whining (as J puts it)...i might as well take advantage of all their presences now and use this time to further develop friendships that may potentially be lifelong. makes me sad thinking about it...but these memories will never be forgotten, and honestly, we'll all just be a phone call away.

my baby...no longer the same.
i was waiting in the left lane waiting to go west from south. the light hadn't turned green yet. i was staring into space, deep in thought about my past week. the next thing i knew, someone or something had disrupted my peace of mind with a loud rumble and the sound of a billion cans crushed at the same time frightened me. i felt a tumultuous rocking motion in my car. what had happened? i did not know. was i injured? i was in one piece. i sat in my car, shocked, completely motionless for about a minute or two...i looked in front, looked in back, and the frightened faces around me made me realize i was involved.

very slowly indeed, i got out of my car, turned around and saw my baby--crushed, scarred, damaged so badly that i would never have thought would happen. the other driver came out of his car, asked if i was okay...i responded: "yeah, but my car..." in a whimper.

he was heading south from west, probably lost control, went up the curb divider and rammed his car into my front tire and slid across my driver's side while turning. if i saw his car come headon, if the impact had been at me instead of the tire, if he was going any faster, so many ifs....even though all this car-towing-toyota-body-shop-rental-car-insurance-mess has been more than a handful, i'm thankful that i wasn't hurt. in the midst of all this drama, i must constantly remind myself why i am here.

i now drive a '01 buick regal. definitely not the same, i tell ya. cherish what you have...i never thought i was so in love with my baby until now. =( but i must admit, i cannot thank all those who have helped and supported me during this time of need---jW offering to give me a ride, E offering to be my lawyer, J helping me find a body shop, P helping me with the towing, jH asking about my well-being even BEFORE i told anyone...how is that possible? =)....and of course the many words of encouragement...you guys are the best!

when you encounter a problem, who do you run to? who do you turn to first?
a friend asked me that. i think i need to start putting my life back on the balance because it's been tipping in random directions the past several days. my confusion and lack of commitment to my heart's desires have been extremely nerving. as a person who believes in following the passion of the heart, why? in times of fear and confusion and frustration, i must put His desires before my own. i turn to Him. never have i felt a stronger pull in that direction. i want to hide behind Him. i want Him to hold my hand. i want Him to explain to me why.

we each bear a cross that is unique to our own. the past 9 months, He has made it clear to me that He will only give me something that He knows i can handle. i don't think i am that strong. in some cases, i'm just ready to throw in my towel and call it quits. in other cases, i fight. it takes only a little bit of endurance and patience until He makes it known to me that things will be okay---as long as i have faith.

then i ask myself, am i using Him as my excuse to turn away from all my worries and problems? am i being fair and just to the situation? am i trying to find an explanation because i have no resolutions? are all these even valid questions? men are not perfect. i am not perfect. and no, i do not pride myself with this awareness, nor do i strive for perfection. i just want to be obedient.

waiting for the clock to tick.
work has been busy. i don't understand why, especially when i was looking for a smooth-sailing finale after the momentous presentation on friday afternoon. as an overachiever, i've been trying to push myself a little more, to leave this place feeling like i've made an impact and that they'll really miss me. but on a side note, i'm also feeling a bit apathetic to work, knowing that this job was only a temp thing to begin with. it was probably the best job for my year off, but at the same time, since i'm not going to be pursue this as my future career, it is definitely time to move on.

i have been feeling like a peon lately, only because being on the bottom of the totem pole, i get the shorter end of the stick--always. the leftover moodswings i get. and on top of that, i might be leaving SF sooner than expected because of my housing issues. since my lease will be up soon, i may be homeless real soon. there are times when you just plan everything out, but it never happens the way you want it....things happen unexpectedly.

Locked In.
it was a gorgeous weekend: the clear blue sky, the perfect t-shirt and shorts weather, the serene atmosphere...all reminded me of SoCal. i always loved the summer months when i could wear shorts and ankle socks and use my shades to keep my hair from falling into my face. it always made me feel free and liberated---ready to jump into the pool anytime for a swim. saturday was a chilling day. i went cycling around napa valley and got to see some beautiful wineries. i must have passed by a dozen dressed up couples on my way back; i remembered it was prom season. gosh, that was already 5+ years ago for me! time flies...

sometimes, the oddest things happen to me. should i consider myself lucky? i'm not sure. as much of a drama-queen i may come across (in my blogs, in my emails, in my stories), i don't think i go after drama as much as drama comes after ME! so it being mother's day yesterday, i had many things planned---from having lunch with my auntie down in San Jose to mall shopping, church and Rock attending, laundry doing...but i guess with so much i wanted to accomplish, i also wanted to have too much control.

i live in an in-law apt with a gate, a front door, and a second door between the garage and my apartment. when i was ready to go out to the garage (where the fridge is) yesterday, the knob from the second door did not turn. i unlocked it (of course!). i tried again. in fact i tried a trillion times, getting a bit frustrated every time i tried harder. after about 15 minutes, i thought...okay, what the heck is this? i calmed myself down, went to take a shower, hoping that maybe my frustration would subside and the door would miraculously unlatch itself. so, i get dressed, clean up myself, try again...to no avail. the knob just wouldn't turn! after fussing it some more, i sat myself down, ate some crackers, drank some water, logged onto IM, and tried again. why all this lagging? because i wanted to be patient, and i wanted to calm myself before attempting to tackle this ominous door. trust me, i even kicked the door and slammed a pot against the door knob (to loosen it up). i was SO DARN frustrated that i couldn't do anything else but laugh. i went to my backdoor (from my room) and checked to see if this one door from the garden was unlocked. do you think i'm all that lucky? of course not. so i guess i could jump the fence into my neighbors yards...

now why did i not call my roommate? why did i not call the landlord? don't ask why...i did...long story. so ultimately, i asked S if he knew of any locksmith. nope...none. and even if he did, the gate and the first door were locked. how would he get to the second door? finally, S came over to the rescue. but nope, none of my neighbors were home, so i couldn't have passed my keys to him either. alas, i see an opened window from the second floor. fortunately, i've been raised as a daring climber, because how i decided to jump this little patio-like ledge, and onto the roof...i have no idea! i forcefully jammed my hand against the screen and climbed in. it was like a movie.

i was free! yay! i went downstairs, unlocked the gate and front door, let S in, and we both tried to tackle the second door....after about 30 minutes of jumping in and out of the second floor window, we both decided to call the locksmith. with S waiting on the outside and me waiting in the inside, the stubborn door between us made me feel so confined, yearning to be free. the more i thought about the passing of time, the more impatient i grew. but at least i had company! when the locksmith came, he jumped from the second floor as well...and poof! he opened in less than 5 seconds. shesh....i thought! not fair. S explained...well, at least i paid for tuition....i suppose....lesson learned: can't complain when i'm locked out...because it is always better to be locked OUT then IN.

happy 26th!!!

humbling....humbling indeed.
i've been MIA for the past several days because i've been busily trying to prepare for my one hour presentation today. in fact, it seemed like i had so timely missed the lumps embarrassment last night. =) knowing that this may be the last time i would give a talk for this academic group of intellectuals (my two professors and a trillion postdocs), i wanted to knock them dead...! while i usually go out of my way to look for attention, speaking in public this time around proved to be a little more difficult. maybe because there were so many brains in the room, but it really stretched me. i shared with others the research i had recently gathered--facts and statistics that stood up to open scrutiny and challenge. when asked a question, i used what i learned in an open forum to respond, forcing myself to shed my quiet demeanor, to cast my ideas into the arena of intellectual debate, and to learn to give and accept constructive criticism. i would not go so far as to say i did horribly on this presentation, but boy did i leave feeling i've been humbled. they all treated me like a colleague, yet i knew, i had so much to learn and so much to experience. the intellectual intensity only instigated me to do better, to ask what's next?, and to understand that i can always be challenged. it must have been the adrenalin rush that got me through such anxiety. among the group of intellectuals, the one who came across as humblest of them all also proved to be most knowledgeable. i've been meaning to blog about him...a harvard med, ucsf-resident who without a doubt have left the greatest impression on me. no, it is not his credentials that impressed me, but the way he could relate with people, without even a speck of arrogance, but dashes of charm and wit here and there, catching you by surprise. his modest behavior not only adds to the incredible personality he has, but touches those he interact with with utmost respect and sincerity. with a beloved family of 3 other females (an adopted hispanic girl, daughter, and harvard-med-wife) and a promising future, he has definitely inspired me to believe that this is a beautiful world.

so after writing a rather deep and personal blog re: my yester-drama, i mistakenly deleted it from the server...maybe some things are meant to be hidden. oh well. so without much inspiration to repeat myself and with issues already resolved, i've decided to include a short conversation i had today....

context; my friend asked me to tell a story for entertainment.
i wrote:
um....the cat sat.
the mouse ran.
the cat chased the mouse.
the cat no longer sat.
the cat ate the mouse.
the mouse no longer ran.
the cat sat.

friend's response:
bonnyth shakespeare--
you have rendered me speechless with your ingenuity! that's gooood =) esp since the subject matter is so fitting--the repetition of words does make me think of a mouse chase--back, forth, and around...plus, the subject matter/language is so deceptively simple it belies the underlying complexity....in a nutshell, wow. do you write poems?

my response: thank you. *smiling shyly and humbly*

apparently i'm getting married on august 13, 2005....according to the wedding date predictor. you're all invited if i'm really getting married then.

work has been busy and sleep has been minimal. i've been somewhat frazzled by the hiatuses of thought. last week ended with the introspection of leaving the bay area; eC's goodbye dinner instigated a domino effect of emotions that have lay hidden and kept in the back burner for a while. was i ready to confront them? no. was i in denial? yes.

it may have started when i decided to ultimately turn down the thailand missions trip this summer. looking back, it was the right thing to do with all circumstances considered. (but then again, i'm a strong believer that it is sometimes right to do the wrong thing.) i was worried that i would be missing out. but if that had been my motivation for going, i would have been missing the point...

i took a trip down memory lane this weekend. i updated aa with the recent excitements of bonnie drama at lunch and reminisced with my swedish friend at night. i realized that i have even MORE to say in retrospect. telling and retelling some past swedish stories reminded me of my independence, my spontaneity, and most importantly, my drive to satisfy my curiosity. there were so many stories that could only be retold with another swedish counterpart. oh, don't get me wrong, she's not a swedish girl, but a friend i met in sweden who saw and lived through my transformation of growing out of my irvine shell. the days....when we took a 45-minute ferry ride to copenhagen, denmark, for the sole purpose of eating dim sum, when we made last minute plans to go to oktoberfest and bruised our thumbs holding 1.5 liter mugs, when we rode and crashed our bikes after a party...i always told myself that sweden was the best decision, thus far, i made in my entire life--the fond memories, the character-building drama, the laughs and cries of being real. i always believed...until now. in hindsight, taking this year off between college and grad school would be THE best decision.

it's been over 8 months now since i started my adventures here in san francisco. it was in january when i opened myself up to the world of blogging, revealing much about my personal thoughts and decisions throughout. i can almost say that i've put myself at risk--in a state of vulnerability--yet at the same time, i cannot help but think that i've felt so comfortable being me. will i miss this place? without a doubt. and only time will tell how much i am blessed with now will remain in my possession once i leave. one might wonder how a girl who can have so much here leave this place. i don't know. i constantly thank Him for everything i have, and everything i may lose, but i know that wherever i go, i will be protected. so as i talk about the many budding sf memories with my swedish friend, nostalgia sweeps over me. admitting to myself that i won't be going to thailand this summer has been my first step. admitting to myself and others that i will not be here comes fall is my second step. despite all the drama, denial, and confusions, everything is settling into its place as it should be...