whimpers of the heart
i don't have dsl anymore, so my cyberspace buddies must be worried. it's friday afternoon and i've been running all around today, stressed, ready to call it quits for work; i just don't have a good excuse and the responsible side of me is taking over. how DO i just pack my bags and leave? =( but other than whining or going home at a decent hour today, i just want to reminisce a little the memorable times before i call it a week.

i finally moved out of my apartment and into another. packing really takes a toll on your system. i remember the last time i moved so much around was when i went home to SoCal in november, the same day my friend went over to the east coast. i remember being invited to a dinner of "close-knit" friends the night before...i remember waiting outside when it was really cold, talking to everyone who was a stranger to me. i remember being asked to sit down on the chair, but i refused, because i wanted to stand. i remember taking a picture while holding the diamond cross pendant. i remember attempting to use my spanish while Wo drew a picture of her. i remember sharing my testimony with Ok even though i had no idea how she'd respond. i remember laughing uncontrollably when Sh teased me of putting the chicken back onto the plate and Le shouted that it must be a cantonese thing. i remember La getting a discount for us because we waited OH-SO-LONG for a table. i remember standing in the DDD apartment the night before, talking to Au and Sh in the kitchen, being encouraged and invited to return to SF again. i remember sounding like a fob, being a fob, responding to another fob....only to know that being an ABC, my chinese was even better than another fob. =) i remember Lu inspiring me on music, on my walk, on my recovery. somehow our paths are changing lanes again; they won't necessarily cross until a very VERY long time. it makes me sad; i was reminded of it again today in my inbox. i asked Him my favorite word.

dirge to the pigeon

dwelling in tall trees of golden gate park
he sees no fear, neither in light or dark.
cars come and go
runners fast or slow
he waits for nothing but employs his lark

he sits patiently for the worms to wake
breakfast, lunch, dinner for feast to bake
gulping one-by-one
until he sees none
pooping afterwards for his stomach's sake

windows dirtied, drivers get mad
must clean cars or spots will be bad
he smirks as he swoops
dropping bits of poops
if head gets hit, definitely makes you sad

friday afternoon when i have nothing else to do
i have the morning off to run errands, woohoo!
driving through 41st
maybe it was a curse
i see that the pigeon confronts his boo-boo

i turn the corner in my white rental car
i see him swooping very low, but also not very far
by the time i can see
he had no time to flee
headlights directed, bang! there goes mar

sadly to say, that was not the end
rebound from headlights, i did send
car approaching
to other lane flying
second bang!, again he cannot fend

oh so sad, the pigeon comes to this fate
the misery he must endure, also must his mate
rental car i did drive
pigeon now no longer alive
mishap none could control, none could wait

let's all sing to the hymn of his passing
this elegy will be in honor and so will my fasting
to the heavens above
maybe next life to be a dove
in his memory, it shall be lasting...

maternal instincts?
boy do i feel domestic today. while i originally planned on studying hardcore, i ended up going to two grocery stores (Safeway and Sunset) and a ginseng co. to get some herbs. yeah, me, buying these chinese stuff that normally only middle-aged moms would do. it was as if i had my own family to take care of. i had in mind of a couple of people who would find these chinese stuff helpful. even though i had my morning off, it was one of those days that i just ended up cleaning the apartment, cooking a good lunch, baking (banana bread and blueberry muffins!), and taking care of business. it was a good productive day. i must pat myself on the back!

this is what i don't understand about myself. although my SF chapter is coming to a close, especially at work, where responsibilities could possibly be neglected, i feel more of a need to be productive, to maximize my time in accomplishing my work. there were months of lagging where i found myself checking emails, blogging prolifically, and simply waiting for my days to end. now look at me, spending even MORE time in lab, studying aside from that, and packing up to move into another apartment for the remaining month i have here. i have found less time to hang out with people, period. but at the same time, those who i have kept in touch with have not been any less than forever friends.

maybe that is part of growing up---living a life with ambition and independence, but in the back of my mind, knowing that there are great friends and family out there who know that i can handle my own, who will without a doubt take time to check up on me. i am an ambitious girl by nature, and living without much of that the last several months definitely brought a lot of chilling time into my schedule. i found myself active and social, as if i had all the time in the world to have fun. recently, i've been meeting the grind, getting down and dirty, and finding my sense of direction again. can i be too ambitious? of course. am i still? ahh, it's all relative. i remember coming up to san francisco with a personal goal, a personal purpose. it was all about ME and what i had to get accomplished. heck, my blog even revolves around the bon-a-centric world. my agenda was skyaspiring. but this year has definitely been life-transforming. He has definitely conformed my mind and heart and has brought a new side of understanding in me that will last me a lifetime. i daresay that i am no longer ambitious for my personal achievement. to what end, i've asked myself. i will never be satisfied if i continue to pursue what i want, to meet my own expectations. i question myself even when i look back at how my career goals have shifted and continues to change so drastically. my chilling-lack-of-ambition-moments have been more than necessary in order for me to find out about myself. i needed that time off to understand that God is telling me to sit still. i have always been a slave to pride. as my walk has been strengthened tremendously, i find myself putting aside my very own ambition, and seeking a different type---to BE ambitious for the sole purpose of glorifying Him and His ways. without a little bit of ambition brings no productivity. it IS STILL a constant battle of what "He" wants, because i find myself questioning my motives all the time. but being able to find time out of my busy schedule to have a productive morning like this, and at the same time, to catch up/take care of the people who are important in my life, i find myself growing up. a good balance, i might add. i feel my social circle shrinking; i see that eventually, some friends will just fade in the background (or i will) when i don't hang out anymore. but at the same time, i see those who remain as a steadfast army who can still put up with the demanding highstrung moi. =)

that is why when i say i can see myself settling down, i mean it. i don't mean, settling for someone, but settling down in terms of seeking a sense of permanence and routine in my daily life. i can continue to pursue higher education, pursue that dream job (of becoming a surgeon general), but in the end, i just want to be able to share with someone my day---how i aimed to reach for the stars, but at the same time, i aimed to connect with people. i want to be able to pray daily with and for someone who cherishes me. i want Him to think that yes, my child, you have been disciplined and productive, and you have done all that I want you to do. life has always been one destination after another for me. have i stopped to smell the roses? i can look at my next two years and feel the same way. but lately, i'm beginning to see it as just me being physically in another place, and there too, i can find my balance....when my heart is in the right place.

quality...
the faces of lumps are definitely changing. would i consider myself a new or old face? how much have i given? how much have i taken? are there people who will forever remain a part of my life, because they have left a deep impression on me, and because they are genuine friends--who have taken time out of their busy schedules to get to know me and pray for me? or are there people who have fit me into their social calendars, as another person to hang out with, only for the fleeting moment, for the temporary now? not that it is a bad thing or anything, because i cannot be everyone's best friend, but can i be content? can i leave knowing that somehow my last six months have been a truly truly amazing time for me, and that---it too---will eventually become a memory?

i remember walking into lumps, looking for an ideal fellowship. it hasn't been ideal, and sure, i can be critical, but i can also look back and say, wow. the legacy of lumps definitely outweighs any cracks that may have formed under its moments of pressure.

i feel nostalgic, and because of that, i want to devote some quality time and words in noting my dinner last night with a brother, a mentor, a friend who i know...once i leave SF, our friendship will remain strong. no initials necessary, i know who he is. it HAS been a while since i caught up with him. he has definitely seen me change. he says: bonnie, you have created quite a storm here in san francisco. haha. i laugh. he mocks me...often. i cannot but smile shyly and think, how he teases me so. the conversation was definitely one to be savored. i like feeling comfortable and saying exactly what is on my mind. i like telling him my honest critical opinion. i like digging into the depths of his mechanic mind, looking for answers and emotions that can very well be hidden, but nevertheless, there. i look back and notice the rocky moments that we may have shared throughout the past several months, but i also understand that no matter what has been spoken, what hasn't been spoken, what has yet to be spoken of...i can remain patient and genuine in this friendship, knowing that no matter where i may be, i can count on him for prayer, for scripture, for moments of scolding to put me back in my place when i feel just a tad too spoiled (which is rare, i might add). =) if anything i have learned about people is the importance of knowing where their hearts are at. he definitely has his heart in the right place. i cannot say the same about a lot of the people i've met while being in san francisco---maybe i have yet to get to know them deeper. but for the short and few times i've interacted with this brother, i have never really doubted his passion in life. i know i do not approve everything he has to offer and everything he has to say, but i am sure he looks at me and shakes his head at times as well. =P our conversation was engaging, with prospects of what may happen a year from now. maybe dinner two years after i receive my M.R.S. degree (or lack thereof)? i enjoy the quality time we share because i know that he has a genuine concern for my well-being, not simply to itemize what i have been doing from day to day. people like him at lumps will never be forgotten; they have touched me tremendously. and for sure, i will miss them...without a doubt.

Where are you going?
With the long face pullin' down
Don't hide away
Like an ocean
Which you can't see but you can
Smell and the sound of waves crash down

I am no Superman
I have no reasons for you
I am no hero, oh, that's for sure
But I do know one thing
It's where you are is where I belong
I do know where you go is where I wanna be

Where are you going?
Where do you go?
Are you lookin' for answers
To questions under the stars
And if along the way
You are growing weary
You can rest with me until a brighter day, you're okay

I am no Superman
I have no answers for you
I am no hero, oh, that's for sure
But I do know one thing
Where you are is where I belong
I do know where you go is where I wanna be

Where are you going?
Where do you go?

Where do you go?
Where are you going?
Where do you go?

I am no Superman
I have no answers for you
I am no hero, oh, that's for sure
But I do know one thing
Is where you are is where I belong
I do know where you go is where I wanna be

Where are you going?
Where do you go?
Tell me where are you going?
Where...
Let's go
----"Where Are You Going?" Dave Matthews Band

sunday afternoon, 5pm, working.

the tranquility of the lab takes over my unrestful mind. it was supposedly a 3-day weekend, but with so much time spent in lab, i'm beginning to think i've become a slave to this place instead. i don't mind, sorta. i want to end my project with a bang!, so-to-speak; i want my work to leave a good impression on my fellow peers and colleagues---whether or not i plan to return to this field of study. that's the ambitious side of me that still calls for attention when in fact, this IS my "year-off."

my intended to-do list was rather lengthy, but again, i didn't meet nearly half the errands i hoped to run. oh well. chilling is the new attitude i'm trying to take on before going off to school again. maybe it'll be exceedingly prevalent over there when i continue to exude myself as the cali girl. ha! i'll definitely miss that...who knows how much i'll conform myself when meeting the new adventures of new haven. i've always been a conformist to nonconformity (personally, i think everyone is a conformist of some sort), but when my intellectually-stimulating mind is hungry as it has been feeling recently, i might subconsciouly adapt the serious school-girl attitude once i get back into the studying schedule again. it saddens me that i must let my freedom go.

his face remained grace and attentive, and only a flicker in his deep eyes showed that he was startled and indeed alarmed.

best date ever!

i got dressed up. i wore my black bow-tie dancing shoes. i wore my new avant garde dress. i curled my hair (well, sorta).

i exercised. i sprinted several blocks even though i wore my heels.

i felt cultured. i saw the sf symphony. i enjoyed the orchestra so much...it brought back memories of when i would attend theatrical performances during a free weekend when i was still in college (can't wait for school to start again!).

i took a picture of the gorgeous view of san francisco down by the civic center.

i celebrated another outting for my "princess day" again.

last but not least, to top it all off, i ate a cheeseburger at mcD's.

my date was the best. the big and little things of last night made me feel so blessed, so lucky. i don't need the whole world to notice me, i don't need to please everyone, or everyone to have the best judgement of me. i just need a great friend who i can cry, laugh, gossip, pray, and giggle with....you're the best date ever, prufock! =)

a glimpse of my past this weekend left me doubtful and fearful. it makes me shudder from the idea of trust, faith, and loyalty.
a belated birthday email from a friend of the past today left me hopeful. it makes me smile and say, yeah, i miss our friendship too.

anticipation.
i pictured the outcome of this weekend long before it came. there were times when i thought about it, prayed about it, and purposely shrugged it behind the back burner. the highly anticipated outcome worried me. the lack of anticipation made me wonder. nothing seemed to meet the demands of my heart this weekend. not that i was struggling to be in control, because i knew i couldn't be, but i was overwhelmed with thoughts about the past, about the now, and about the future.

it was only last year on my graduation day when i felt like my beaming smile could not be any more genuine. i had my family, my friends, and one of the most important people there at that time. graduation day on saturday left me tense---really tense. i wanted to see; i did not want to be seen. i wanted to smile; i had every reason to cry. i wanted to be with all my friends for moral support; i had none. but even with all the anticipation, i left shortly after the ceremony and realized...yeah, it was dramatic but anticlimatic at the same time.

this weekend made me think about the current whys in life.

why do i still cry because of "one?" why do i keep tabs and compare my life with "two?" why do "two's" reflections dictate where and how my life is headed? why am i judging myself constantly when i think about either of them? He is building my self-esteem. He is teaching me to lay aside my wants in pleasing people. He is teaching me confidence, self-worth...to be responsible and to rely on Him.

why have i been waiting for a response from "three" yet not responses from others? why does "three" make my heart flutter in that way? why could it be so easy for "three" to hide and just let go and encourage me to go to the east? why could "three" not be open and honest with me? He is teaching me patience. He is washing away my desires of wanting to be impulsive.

why is "four" intruding in my personal life? why do i allow the tittle-tattle to anger and worry me so? why is it any of "four's" business? why does "four" not take the time to really chat with me, instead of questioning my honesty and openness? why can so many people use blogs as a means of getting to know me, when they are merely words put together during times of nothingness? why can some not see that i am deeper than the two-dimensions of a flat computer screen? He is teaching me forgiveness. He is teaching me that no walk is perfect, that no one is perfect, that i can make the same mistakes of judging people.

why have i never noticed the preciousness of "four," "five," "six," and "seven" who i have been blessed with? why is "four" always checking up on me, whether or not it's late, whether or not he's a work, whether or not it was a busy evening after a wedding? why has "five" been promoted from trouble-status to a worthy friend to confide in? why is "six" someone i cherish so much?--someone who reminds me that i am a girl, that she is a girl, that regardless of how i fit into that scene, somehow i will be blessed in some ways. why has "seven" become a friend i look up to?--that despite the many bickerings we can have over IM or email, he is experiencing the same fear of change as i. He is blessing me with so many gifts, that no matter where i go, where they may be, i am not alone.

why do i play and pray with "eight"? why do i have such serious conversations, but cannot experience the fullness of my authentic self or life when i live to avoid hurt? why do i believe that if i could avoid being hurt, i would live a peaceful life? why does "eight" have so much patience? He is teaching me discipline, that i need to consider all of the life, love, and peace i am missing out on in my attempt to avoid being hurt.

although my words may not resonate with everyone who has experienced the confusion and loss of self that so often accompany the rush of daily life, i think mother theresa's words can...

People are often unreasonable, illogical and self-centered; Forgive them Anyway!
If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives, Be Kind Anyway!
If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies; Succeed Anyway!
If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you; Be Honest and Frank Anyway!
What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight; Build Anyway!
If you find serentity and happiness, they may be jealous; Be Happy Anyway!
The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow; Do Good Anyway!
Give the world the best and it may never be enough; Give the world your Best Anyway!
You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and God; It never was Between you and Them Anyway.

hi B-P. that's what my professor called me this morning. he's so cute.

this year was a year of transition. although i would never permanently do this type of work, it was the perfect job for the stage in life i was at. our research paper will be out for publication (nature genetics, baby!) by the end of this week; my name will be on it. =) the nerd in me had been actively pursuing science since i was toilet-trained. my favorite word was why; my friends and family's least favorite word was why. research has been a part of my life since high school---driving over to a university campus after school to work on my science fair project. in college, i would spend every waking hour in a lab, socialize in a lab, study and do problem sets in a lab, and even give tours to my potential date (a total of ONE) in a lab. in short, i have been a labrat. everything from running gels and pipetting dilutions to cloning genes and degrading dna, i have acquired a plethora of skills that may be competely useless in the regular world; yet, the inquisitive mind has been challenged year after year, and somehow, the basic scientific method is applicable to everyday life. as i finish up my projects here at work and transition my way back into the social sciences, i begin to think how these skills may be lost. it almost makes me sad to know that i may never pippette again. it may be an overstatement to say that i have melo-dramatized the use of a pipette-man, according to a certain savvy-former-celera-employee. but is this not applicable to life when we move from one season to the next, only to find ourselves leaving behind many fond moments that will soon become memories?

nostalgia. that's it. that bittersweet feeling.

ever since the past week of my retreat, i feel ready in accepting the new challenges that lay ahead. it's almost that uncanny realization of how-could-this-be. i've successfully planned out the itinerary, found out about my housing issues, started packing up my stuff here in SF, and strategically mapped out my summer plans. now THAT calls for a celebration of productivity. i think i thrive under pressure. i can't seem to do one thing at a time; it drives me crazy when i take forever to accomplish one thing....i might as well waste that time. =) the truth is, time keeps on ticking. and whether i wallow in my state of self-pity for leaving the bay area or not, i have to refocus and take note of what He is trying to teach me. during the times of my blase-ness, i find it so difficult to motivate myself to get cranking again. but D reminded me last night, even amidst the blah moments, i should put things in perspective and understand how to get out of it.

a part of me worries that once i leave, a lot of things will not be here when i return. a part of me wants to hold on so tightly to everything that i have, keeping it close to my chest. will these friends be my friends still? are the things i have genuinely mine? seeing how P responds to many things in life, i listen, observe, and smile. if i lay my palm flat, i will have a bigger pile of sand in the end then if i were to hold on to it tight, when more will inevitably slip through my fingers.

brought to my attention...Bible in 50 words:

God made, Adam bit, Noah arked, Abraham split, Joseph ruled, Jacob fooled, bush talked, Moses balked, Pharaoh plagued, people walked, sea divided, tablets guided, promise landed, Saul freaked, David peeked, prophets warned, Jesus born, God walked, love talked, anger crucified, hope died, Love rose, Spirit flamed, Word spread, God remained.

a week of thinking and...this is how it all began...

9 months ago at Judah Ozaku Ya, i had a harmless dinner with M, carrying on a somewhat superficial yet highly engaging conversation. little did we know, our chats about life, maturity, career, and relationship would slowly evolve into a talk of laughter and giggles. we've gotten to know each other quite well since then, and by spending more time day after day, i feel like he's become an important part of my life, someone who i look up to and rely on when i need an extra arm, someone who will give sound and spiritual advice when i need a better sense of direction, someone who will lend an ear when i need to whine and complain. our talks range from teasing to bickering to seriously brainstorming. without this friend, i may not have adjusted so comfortably. during my stay here in SF, i've grown inevitably attached to him, though i never really questioned my feelings until about a month ago.

it was a night when we had dinner at the same restaurant and his somewhat nervous tone of voice piqued my curiosity. he wanted to tell me something, but his hesitancy became increasingly obvious as he was bouncing from one idea to the next. i wanted to tease him, but resisted after feeling a sense of seriousness in the air. his intentional brush with his hand across my arm gave me the jitterbugs. i looked up, glanced at him, and found his eyes staring straight back. somehow, i found my heart beating a little quicker, skipping a beat almost. as we continued on the night with our usual talks of daily activities, i suddenly had a crazy idea in my mind. dinner ended and as we were getting back into his car, we accidentally bumped heads. our giggles probably lightened his mood somewhat because i found him staring at me intently and telling me his thoughts and feelings from his heart. how flattering it was. how nervous it made me feel. how great to revisit the feeling of having butterflies in my stomach. such was the night that began a magical moment, a moment that soon made our lips lock together oh-so passionately....

Ha! did i get YOUR attention today! =) so after a week of my own self-assigned personal retreat--fasting from overindulgence of social activities and social interactions--i found my own blog jeered [6/7] of its true content of honesty, taunted [6/4] by its depth of truth, and most importantly, labelled as an artwork of melodrama. sigh. maybe it was the deprivation of the blogging world this recent week, maybe it was the lack of attention while reflecting on my own, maybe it was the necessity of finding justice once again...but, alas! i am back in business. *wink*

while this blog may have begun as merely a captivating piece of entertainment, allow me to seriously reflect back on this past week of thoughts and prayers, self-reflections and self-evaluations, extreme ups and downs...a week that i had initiated myself to take a serious step back, and Be quiet! Be still! in my mind, this week of personal retreat will never be taken lightly, for the realizations i've concluded may be more than just a simple growth, but a true sense of getting to know the person i have become. melodramatic? maybe. honesty? definitely. epiphany? for sure.

----

when you're blessed with so much, do you really stop to thank Him or do you go along your merry way, subconsciously taking things for granted? the week of my "princess day," i found myself jumping up and down, excited with glee, but also wallowing in moments of gloom---as if i purposely threw myself out of the state of jubilation to remind myself that i AM leaving, that things WILL change, and that if there's one good thing, i should be expecting a bad in this world of "balance." the highs and lows made my days intense and contemplative, but never really giving me a reason or a purpose of why i responded the way i did. thus, taking a step back, i decided to commit myself to a week of "pure reflection." yep, for those who know me best, you're probably thinking...oh no! a week of that?!?

during this past week, i tried to stay away from blogging---a hidden form of attention-seeking. i give thanks to ja for acting as my IM police; i was warned several times to "get off immediately" from my IM addiction. thanks to hO who kept me sane and accountable as i went through moments of weakness, constantly inquiring about my well-being and reminding me the purpose of my retreat. thanks to S for carrying on a serious, thought-provoking chat with me re: life. and of course, i am truly grateful to receive advice from trouble-boy and li gurl....and to know that both were watching my back every step of the way. how blessed i am...

i read A LOT this week. i felt like i was feeble-minded in many instances. i found myself freaking out. but every time an over-analysis instigated a feeling of uneasiness, i turned to Him and asked why i was habitually anxious and worried. we often escape by using anxiety creatively. this feeling of pressure and concern became a call to prayer. and without a doubt, laying aside my anxiety and fears would only be strengthened by offering it all to Him. He is consistently testing me...instead of simply rehashing the list of small, but poignant revelations, i find it relevant to keep it close and dear to my childish heart....to store what i have learned as a reminder that if spoken, they are only words...but if committed, they are actions that truly reflect the growth...

find me here speak to me I want to feel You I need to hear You You are the light that is leading me to the place where I find peace again You are the strength that keeps me walking You are the hope that keeps me trusting You are the life to my soul You are my purpose You are everything and how can I stand here with You and not be moved by You would You tell me how could it be any better than this You calm the storms You give me rest You hold me in Your hands You won't let me fall You still my heart and You take my breath away would You take me in would You take me deeper now 'cause...You're all I want You are all I need You are everything everything
---"Everything," Lifehouse

FYI: tutu = 2-2