my drive home
i packed everything into my car with my very own two hands. i felt independent. i felt older. i began my drive with the CD a brother had burnt me a while ago. it was the same christian CD that was being played nonstop the last time i completely moved back home. worshipping Him lifted my spirts. somehow, i was so ready, so comfortable, in starting my trek home despite the late start in the day. i had a peace of mind that gave me true and complete happiness to say goodbye to sf.

sunday was a fulfilling day. my sister A got me something to take with me to new haven---something i've been wanting and hoping to get. it was a reminder. a lesson that could be taught daily. that night, i spent a romantic evening with my lovergirl. she gave me something as a token of our hopeless romanticism...my partner in crime---actually, more like romance. the words and prayers that were said that day made me realize that yes, my friends will miss me, yes, they will be sad to see me go....but they are also extremely proud of me. i felt it. i felt their undying love and friendship for lil ole me. i have done nothing to deserve all this from my friends, but i have been me. they have put up with my endless complaints, my repetitious guy drama, my self-inflicted worries, my whineyness, my insecurities, my doubts, my fears, my worries...they have put up with my bonnie impulsiveness, the high-maintenance friendship that i ask for, the constant demands for attention. somehow, they still managed to tell me...hey, you'll be missed.

monday was quite a rocky day for me. why? i'm not sure...the ramifications of moving my life out of sf maybe? i was running errands, driving all around, but still managed to go for a swim. yep, luckily, i didn't get much of a tan before the wedding. =) after spending some time meeting my internet quota for the day, i inflicted upon myself an unncessary moment of despair. i found myself crying. thanks to my bro J and my sis C, i was reminded to overcome my inadequacies, to use what i have learned in the past several months to know that He loves ME...that my relationship is with Him, and it was never about other people anyways!

monday night was probably something i had been wanting and asking for a while. dinner was yummy; conversation was satisfying. a sense of completeness swept over me. i found myself relieved, content, ready. i found myself ending all this with a smile....a genuine one indeed.

starving for my QTs more often than ever before.
yep, that's what it is. i have been listening, talking, sharing with Him everything that i have learned about people, about myself, about Him, but it just doesn't seem enough when i know that things are getting busier. a part of me is ready. ready to end this chapter and start a new one.

closure in all directions....
friday night, my friends bid me farewell. E hosted the bon bon gone gone party; it was too sweet. a perfect night of fellowship, a perfect time for last minute chats...so many people dropped by afterwards even if they couldn't make it to dinner.

i feel blessed.
thank you God.

these six simple words may not seem much on this computer screen, but no words can truly capture what i am feeling or what i have been feeling. lucky is my middle name. i don't think i did a good job in getting to know a lot of people here in SF, but i tried. but that is not the point, i suppose...the point is, i somehow managed to extend a smile to certain people without me knowing. God is using me.

on wednesday night, i went to Judah Ozaku Ya (again!) with my hs bud and by chance, met a brother there. he ended up paying for our dinners. i couldn't believe it...he said: unfortunately, i didn't get to know you too well, and that's partially my fault, but i want to wish you the best on your journey ahead. why did i not make a better effort in getting to know more brothers and sisters during my time here?
at lulapalooza on thursday night, a not-too-familiar-brother came up to me and asked to chat with me. he told me that i've left quite an impact here in SF. i asked him to explain. he said: you're too emotional, but that is why you've managed to touch a lot of people here.
at church on sunday, a sister came up to me and wished me the best of luck...also telling me that it was too bad we never got to know each other better. all these experiences made me think. how did i manage to get so lucky?

thank you God.
i thank you for my brothers. i thank you for my sisters. i thank you Lord Jesus for all the things you have blessed me with, for all the lessons you have taught me, for all the precious memories that will leave great impressions on my little heart, for all the overwhelming love i have received during the past several months and i am sure the many more months to come. how did i get so lucky? what have i done to deserve all the love i have been receiving, all the relationships that have truly truly been real?

Last night was my last real lumps night. I say that because God knows I will come back again one day, but I know it’s not going to be the same. I will be a visitor. I never realized that this day would come so soon…I remember coming up to SF, hoping to return to Irvine after six months. It’s been nearly a year, and I do not want to leave. Yes, I will leave my heart in San Francisco, not for the place—but for the people. God is so good. He is an awesome God. Impeccable timing. Superb plan. How did I get so lucky in being one of his beloved children?

I remember telling a brother that I’d definitely return in the future. I don’t know anymore. The 50-50 chance of returning does not scare me. In fact, I don’t want to replace the image of what I have here with new memories on SF in the future. Silly, huh? The uncertainty of my future leaves me with a soft unspoken smile. How amazing that I can feel so safe and so assured that I can simply lay my head down, lift my hands and pray. Pray for only hope.

Her warm smile. An older sister who I will miss for sure, she has and will continue to be an important part of my life. Singing, crying when praying, loving, telling the honest truth. Love and truth come hand in hand, as pJwoo has said. An inspiration since day one. Drama. Haha. Always. So many things alike. So many things different. Passionate. Older, wiser, trendy, hip. So beautiful, the friendship. Don’t cry, bonnie. Don’t. her touch on my shoulder when she walked in. picture. Take off jean jacket. Leave it on, it’s you. breakfast, lunch, dinner...becoming a woman of freedom. leave it all up to Him.

jon ho.
the end.

workout buddy. let's run. let's go. running along great highway in the morning...twice...and only twice. land's end. he's the goofiest brother i know! number 3? what? how dare! 24 hour fitness...boy did i feel uncomfortable at first. it's not like i know you. heck, i don't know even know you, who are you anyways? ski retreat, teaching me how to snowboard on the correct side. too tall, man, too tall. brother's internet cafe room. the long chats and the deep talks have left me feeling like i've found another girlie confidant---someone who understands and who takes time out of his not-so-busy schedule to hear my whines and prayers. every time i want to cry, every time i get frustrated, he checks up on me to make sure that i'm okay, and that i'm not overreacting. high school boys in his room. haha. so many, i feel outnumbered. brownie. eck...try MY banana bread. oldsckool mixes. he reminds me to be myself. he tells me to smile. he calls me ugly. he asks for all my possessions when i am sick. 2 lines, buddy. 2 lines.

it's been a while since i last blogged. i've been meaning to write about my lumps experience last thursday. but this thursday is just around the corner...i feel like i'm falling behind. oh geez. time flies even when you're not working. it's been unbelievably awesome having no work these days....lunches, dinners, and even tea parties with individual peeps before i go. =(

last thursday at lumps, i regained a feeling that i thought i've lost....that feeling of freedom and conviction to God as we worship and learn about him in a fellowship setting. even though the crowd was a little smaller than usual, i cherished the moments of our sg prayers, the little nuances of my sg that make me laugh, and the not-so-tactful mL comments. those have been missed for a while. "how are these fishies gonna reproduce?"...what was really incredible however was the feeling of closure and the feeling of a new beginning for me. i felt like it was what i had been wanting...when i first went to lumps, i was blessed to have met L and L, both of whom who gave me a warm welcome a great transition in being plugged in to this fellowship. last thursday, i felt like i was giving back to lumps a little of what i had received, as much as i can before i go....to take on my duty as an older lumpette...and getting other lumpettes plugged in. meeting L and E for the first time, i felt like He was really using me...it was an incredible feeling.

singing along with worship was something i missed at lumps. sigh....i remember when he first lead the worship team and i was so incredibly intimidated. but never have i known someone who can smile so much! to no avail, this brother always smiles at you. it's so encouraging...it's as if he's so happy to see you! he's been awesome in organizing all the worship sets. i've learned so much about the keyboard and worship in general. how i've grown in worship has been encouraging and motivating. hopefully, one day, i can use my skills over in new haven. maybe. we'll see. no expectations i guess. =)

i had such a great time on monday catching up with a brother for lunch; he's probably the most understanding person out there, don't know how to describe it, but he just knows why you feel a certain way and never judges. he told me that with the Holy Spirit, guys are trainable....=)...but what was the best was catching up with my sister at Park Hyatt for tea! girls can have so much fun. yesterday, after spending about an hour and a half at the gym, i stopped by the mall to get a makeover. yep, i have all the time in the world these days. the truth is, i need to get some stuff to match my dress for the wedding. but the costmetic lady spent like 1.5 hours on me...i almost fell asleep on her because she took so long. but she must be one of the best makeup artists out there, because i was actually impressed with her makeover. it made me feel so girlie...with rosy cheeks. =) the girlie version of jC someone once said....whatevers. anyways, so spending time with this sister, i realized that she had some similar notions about fellowship, faith, and biblical teaching as i. it was so encouraging to know that i'm not alone out there. her fears, her worries, her constructive criticisms...we can learn from each other. that's the best part....

this morning, i was driving to class and pondering. bebo norman's the hammer holds was playing on my cd player. my future career decisions and my faith were two ideas that were bouncing off of my mind simultaneously. suddenly, my cell phone rings. while i normally try to limit my peak hour calls, i decide to pick up this call. "hey, you should smile more! you're looking a little blah," he says. apparently, he was driving by and he saw me. haha. i laughed. it was nice to get a call from him. after that, my smile never left my face. before, i always told my friends: be happy, you never know who's falling in love with your smile. i guess that phone call made me realize, i HAD so much to be smiling about....

it was nice to be reminded from his unexpected phone call that morning. a few days ago, he also noticed that i was wearing a diamond necklace. is it real? he asked. of course it is real! our conversation then extended itself into talking about diamonds and how to pick them out, courtesy of TM's educational posts. i see that everyone is growing up. our topics are even geared around important decisions that will affect our lives in the future. it's funny, but encouraging at the same time. sometimes i feel like i'm a little kid stuck in the adult world, since i'm still so far behind from all of them....maturity. maybe that's what i'm lacking. i remember meeting him for the first time and he didn't talk much because he seemed "so mature and so serious." he was sitting there while i was standing in front. we chatted about really superficial things, so i never thought much of it....but i guess the past several months, i realized that we had more in common than first imagined. from long hours in front of tv to random debates, this brother is surely gonna be missed. i think he thinks like me. we're similar in that way, so it makes conversation flow very easily. it's one of those friendships that i know even if we don't always talk, don't always chat...we can pick things up wherever we've left off....

first day of no work. boy, it feels good. but look where i am again? work. haha. =)
i had a physical checkup this morning in preparation for school in the fall. interesting experience, although i chatted with the richard-gere-look-alike doctor more than anything. we drew parallels with our europe experiences! how fun! there's just something about sharing similar life experiences that make great conversation topic. i think that's where everything begins, really. my heart rate was excellent, he said....i must be working out! no joke...how else can i get ready for an awesome wedding on the 3rd? i'll be standing next to the bride the whole night; i better not fall short in the "slightly-above-average" scale...

i'm sitting here in lab still at 6pm. i can't seem to move away from here. for some odd inexplicable reason, i want to stay. is it because of the computer? is it because of my nostalgia? i rummaged through my first blog entry and found this:

growth is a very profound experience. it can be beautiful and ugly, empowering and confining, thought provoking and mind-boggling, pleasant and unpleasant, all at the same time. just when you think you've got it, life seems to say, "well, now take this!" so i do...

thoughts abound as i reread the lines again. so much to say to each and everyone of my friends. time is ticking. i want to freeze time. funny how my very own words can impel such strong passions in my heart.

brother of consistency
i didn't think much of our interaction the first time i met him; in fact, i think i was afraid to talk to him. it was after bucca's and he was standing with us under the little overhang by the D3 apt. it had been raining earlier. mL had his laundry ready to be cleaned; he ALWAYS takes advantage of the Ds wash/dryer; they should start charging HIM! =) i didn't get to chat with him much that night since all the commotion was for dlu, but then again, i noticed that he responded with a few chinese words. go bro! when i returned in january, to my surprise, he was the only other brother who came up to say hi to me at sunset church other than my sg leader. in fact, i had forgotten his name at that time. since then, he left a great impression on me as someone who would be thoughtful and attentive, and obviously throughout the past several months, i have not been mistaken. he never forgets to walk sisters out to their cars, btw. his passion for sw has been quite a trip as well, since i am completely sw ignorant...what i find sweet about this brother however is his consistent niceness for all sisters. somehow, he'd reach out to you to make sure you're okay and you're taken care of...there had been several times when i would find him on IM and he would make every effort to check up on me the following days; he's like a guardian angel who is quiet and gentle, allowing you to do your own thing, but at the same time, completely attentive to what you have to say when you need an ear or a shoulder to lean on. whether he is back from an event or busily working at work, he takes the time to single you out and make you feel like a very special sister. i finally had a chance to catch up a little recently and well, in some-not-so-obvious ways, he has taught me how to stay humble. maybe not intentionally, but i felt like our interaction was a blessing from God...some quality time that made me realize that i have still so much to learn as i continue to walk with Him. a master who can take you under his wings of niceness any day, this brother has an amazingly subtle yet daring personality. oxymoron you say? nay! his bold words hit the heart of the matter, yet he does not realize it. in fact, that's what's so funny....his cherishable goofyness makes you laugh with him any day. the first real conversation i had with him was about dvds. the second one was his defense on my blog; someone had commented that i was too dramatic (someone who knows me better now of course); he had commented that my writing style was unique; i don't think he realized that his defense made me feel good about my writing. i had originally intended to delete certain posts because i was overly sensitive to others' judgement to my public offering of drama. another conversation was when he told me that i'd lose plenty of weight if i were to come back from thailand.....hmmm, what is that supposed to mean? another was his compliment about me looking nice at church one day, yet HIS subtle way of saying that i dress down otherwise. =P and lately, the one that sticks out was his adventures in obtaining free undies from gap. the endearing charm of this beloved brother comes a dime a trillion.

sweetness abounds
i didn't interact with her much. i think we interacted MORE in trying to GET together than actually getting together physically. we finally had dinner together after several exchanges of emails and phone calls. life can be so busy for us girls sometimes. =) but she has never forgotten important dates in my life...she has definitely been a guiding light for my spiritual life. maybe because we both have that LA-ness in us, there's more in common than what we really see. when i first met her at the welcome dinner, she was JUST as talkative as i. =) i originally thought that she was an old "lumpette" seeking out to the newcomers. i enjoy the few but insightful conversations we've shared about Him, about our worship experience, about our future that awaits us. sometimes i really don't need to interact with my closest friends to know that they're there. sometimes it's just the little sweet random notes that appear in my inboxes or voicemails that completely take me off guard, yet completely makes my day. God blesses us all with really important people in our lives for a purpose....always.

"leavin with a bang!"
that's what my postdoc complimented me on today, *grin*...it's my last day at work...the last day to use a pipette, to grow bacteria, to clone genes, to make science breakthroughs in the wonderful monotonous world of biomolecular research...it's nice to know that my skills and efforts have been ultilized to the fullest before i step out of here.

my postdoc bid her farewells to me early in the morning. she told me that i've definitely matured during this past year and that i've definitely made the right decision to go to the land of yah-lehs. hmm...yeah, i think so. leaving my sheltered world behind, i've definitely grown a lot more independent and built a tougher skin to face the real world and the real challenges of a "realistic" society. some instances have left me asking for more. some have hardened my heart. all in all, laying aside my tu-tu has definitely made me feel old. moments like these make me forget about all the long treacherous after-hours i had to put in or the upsetting 2-people demands for a 1-person job. everything is washed away, but only the great heartfelt encouragements are crystal clear. that is what i call relationship.

another so-called peon lab friend, like myself, did something special for me today. i never really had that much of a chance to chat with her, but our occasional talks about the idiosyncracies of random lifestyles have made me realize they have been special. her gesture was completely unexpected...maybe i'd be wooed and won over by the pretty boy down in building 3, but from her? it was so incredibly sweet. it's not the surprise that make me realize how wonderful she is, but that He is teaching me to treat everyone equally, with respect and kindness, no matter where and what i will be doing in the future (world of politics?) because no one deserves to be neglected. perspective. these pleasant surprises totally weaken my heart and make me dance like a doting fawn, just simply knowing that people can be so beautiful, that He has created inherently loving people, and that despite all that CAN be ugly, there is hope and there is love when you least expect it.

i'll probably have very limited computer access once i quit my work. i'm definitely going to miss the correspondence i've had through this PC throughout the past 9 months...especially the communication between "2.18K-girl," and many others....but one who sticks out of my mind is him. his emails have been quite creative and entertaining...enough to make a bored girl laugh (oh wait, that IS no standard!)...his random pulling-out-of-his-behind humor can be quite enticing, i must say, and it has definitely prompted more communication than otherwise predicted. the occasional chats have left me inquiring for more, and in response, i've been quite creative myself---writing random poems, instigating ponderous remarks, and most importantly, asking for attention. muhaha. whoever said the internet world was impersonal!

as i sit here, reading old and new emails, blogs and other random tidbits of internet entertainment, i see that my desk is clean and tidy, nearly empty except for my bumblebee backpack. my sg is organizing a little farewell shindig for moi. i feel so lucky, so blessed. i hate goodbyes and despite my rather attention-hungry demeanor, i'll have to admit that being in the center of attention for something like this is not easy. i just can't be pleased, can i? well, maybe...if only i had a pint of marco polo's arcobaleno ice cream in front of me...=)

beans! beans! beans!
for those who know me well, you know i'm not the greatest fan of mexican food. but nevertheless, it's been forever since i had it...the last time was probably down in missions one night with "my agent," so it was quite a treat to go out for a margarita lunch party. the doctor i work with treated the whole lab today. okay, so it wasn't quite a margarita party since only one person ordered one, but it was nevertheless a tip-off-our-sombreros-let's-go-crazy-kinda party. at the end, he gave a little toast, wishing me the best on my journey ahead---how i will one day conquer the world...oh, wait, that's part of my pinky and the brain plan that i did not wish to mention publicly. the truth is, these people have seen me fret over career decisions since day one i arrived back into SF. my postdoc and i have had numerous talks about the future, from relationships to careers to family. in fact, we had quite an interesting talk about boys and their umbilical cords...know what i mean, girls? =) walking back to the lab today with two astoundingly intelligent male doctors, i shared a little bit about the wedding my sister will be having in a few weeks. (my sista is getting married a few weeks shy of turning 25.) the younger doc advised me not to trust boys until they turn 30. the older one advised me NEVER to trust boys. well, that's what i took away from my lab luncheon....yep, just that.

sending them off yesterday--bittersweet moments
there's still so much to write about for each and everyone who left for thailand yesterday. each one has interacted with me in a certain way that i will bring with me to new haven---the jokes, the laughters, the role models they have all been for me. my sg leader noticed that i was "perky" in the morning; he also noticed when i was ready to burst out into tears. he leaned over and said, do you need a tissue? haha! yeah, that's me when i get really excited. but i guess it was also because i wanted to talk to everyone again before they go, and by the time they come back, i'd be gone.

whatever happens to him and her, i'm glad that he has grown so much to take that initiative. she has been such an important part of my life. i trust that we will continue to learn from each other as the years go by. i thank the Lord everyday for our blessed friendship---she has been the sister who i never really had. sometimes we talk and laugh and fret over the most dramatic petty things, but at the same time, she has taught me so much about my boundaries. i know i've mentioned her several times in my blog now, only because she is someone who, if i was not who i am, would be dating! =) and i bet she'd be dating me too. =) her composure, patience, and self-confidence have laid a great impression on me. in my moments of weakness, she always remind me that i am ME because God loves me the way i am; she always reminds me that i am NOT doing anything wrong and that i have nothing to be afraid of; she always reminds me that i have every reason to stand up straight and walk with confidence because others have no reason to judge. she is a sister of faith, of love, and of accountability. no wonder i bug her all the time.

after counseling with him that one time, i never really had much of a chance to catch up. he is the epitome of an older brother. i remember when he first gave me a ride home from perspectives...i don't think i ever talked to him before then. one ski trip ride left us chatting about totally random stuff---some of the most interesting tidbits of personal info that can be overlooked when only having small talk. i enjoy those moments the most---when you're stuck in a car with strangers for several hours, and you cannot hide but be honest, bold, and upfront....that kinda reminds me of my car ride with my homeboys back in the days with 200 questions. i miss those times when people are getting to know you for who you are and vice versa; quality interaction time has been far and few between these days.

when i leaned over to give him a hug of goodbye, i suddenly realized that my "somewhat similar" counterpart will no longer have the time to make fun of me anymore. when he left paying possibly the highest compliment, i realized he may probably be my number one fan for the bonnyth blog. i smiled. the sense of appreciation and gratitude left me speechless. i really just need that ONE person to listen to my esoteric revelations. it made me think if i would continue to blog once i start school in the fall again. maybe. maybe even with a different twist. i'm not sure. i'm really looking forward to starting a new chapter in my life though---a chapter that has not been scripted as i used to do with everything i planned out in the past. for the first time, i'm totally leaving it up to Him to decide what's next. maybe i'll have the opportunity to talk about west vs. east coast controversy. maybe i'll dramatize my first dorm experience that is now FIVE years overdue. maybe i'll begin to blog about my hopelessly romantic life that someone has ALWAYS complained i do not do much of. maybe i'll blog about the most random encounters when i get there. better yet, maybe i'll just make personal calls to my friends instead....it sure beats the absurdity of blogging...we shall see.

the cycle continues
with some coming back, some going off....i feel like i'm losing myself within all this excitement. don't know what to think, don't know who to see, don't know how to respond...just don't know. somehow all the good and the bad make my heart feel sour. just breathe.

after class today, i took a little detour to run my errands and bumped into another brother. i was in a bit of a hurry at that time, trying to finish everything and get to work, but it was so nice to see a familiar face. i remember our first conversation was in the baptismal room, sharing ideas about what our career plans would be. i can still see it. we were both standing by the door, his back against the clock, and my back facing against the counter. holding a stack of CDs, he was making small talk with me, kinda awkward, kinda shy. looking back now, i see how our friendship has grown. warriors? making a shot in the basketball hoop every other try? too dry b-bread? de-vein the shrimp? what's the story behind eggnog? running, LA-tripping, leaving pj behind, clubbing, IMing, time to wake up, what's up "bon-bon?" (with that head nod and emphasis on my nickname). and of course i cannot forget....my baby is gorgeous! haha. to what end? only to see how my brother has grown up and how i've grown up as well. in just a short 9 months, i feel like i've gotten to know him rather well, maybe? and only to wish him the best wherever he may be....as i've always said, propz to my bro......she's smiling. =)

dress. yes. not too shabby. lavender with ivory stripe.
so i've been worrying about my bridesmaid dress and its alterations for a while. either i'm just getting my eyes adjusted to chubby ole me wearing that dress, or well, maybe all that ice cream fasting has paid off. either way....it made me think more and more about my sister's wedding. with others getting engaged and others walking down the aisle, i was daydreaming today. yep. i'll admit it. i can be a girl like that. =P the truth is i was not thinking about who i'd marry one day, but who i'd invite to my wedding. =) on my for sure list, i thought about her. i never really paid much attention in being great friends with her, but we were both just drawn together. she was quiet when i first saw her. well, maybe because i am always loud? her humble heart left me curious, prompting me to inquire more about her past. how we just managed to click without much effort has been truly God's blessing. i find myself dialing her digits when i need someone to listen, when i need someone to cry on, when i need company to get a bite to eat, when i stress about boys, when i stress about girls, when i am being me. the most comforting thing about our friendship is that i feel absolutely real when i'm with her...be that mean scary witch and i know deep down inside, she'll guide me in the right direction...give me nasty stomach pills...shoot me emails to keep me entertained...call back always...be patient and be whiney at the same time... i do not doubt that wherever i may be, or wherever she chooses to go, we will always lean on each other...maybe not every day, not every minute, but enough to know that she's listening and so am i.

little munchkin friends
two days ago, i FINALLY slapped on my bathing suit and went for a swim. yep, at sava. too bad it was indoors. it was nothing compared to my SoCal pool days, but nevertheless, i was happy to play fish in the sea again. midway through my first lap, i was stopped by two little munchkins. "can we swim with you?" she asked. i looked up, pulled back my googles, and saw her sparkle with her chubby cheeks. she was a darling. her name was cynthia, 10, with her sister aileen, 8.5. i told them that i intended to do several laps, and that i'd stay behind while they led. well, although they "rested" several times and waited for me to return at the edge of the pool, i still enjoyed their company. they were bold and daring...cmon, they were talking to a stranger in a swimming pool! and no, i would not say that they reminded me one bit of myself when i was that age. in fact, i was timid and soft-spoken, barely worked up the courage to make eye contact to my secret-crush at that age. i can't imagine what they will be like come 5 years from now. even with their perfect english, they could speak cantonese! wow. moments like these bring a great smile to my face when thinking about the many cultures that enrich this awesome city. no matter how diverse, how creative you can be, there are still bits and pieces of the "born identity" in each and everyone of us.

thoughts about my departing friends
i'm excited for them, but there is a part of me that wants them to stay and hopes to hold on to our past and present memories without thinking of goodbyes. that's just me being selfish, i know. thinking about them makes me think of all the transitions we are all going through. i remember going to lumps for the first time. i walked in, on-time of course, and found him sitting there eating his cheap-chinese food dinner. it had been several months since the last time i saw him in irvine, so it was definitely heartwarming to see a familiar face again. i ended up joining his small group, only to find myself questioning scripture fiercefully. i never really got a chance to get to know him until i came up here. no matter how busy or how preoccupied i am on thursday nights at lumps, i always find myself walking up to him and talking. there is just some sort of gravitation when it comes to catching up with old time friends. he taught me how to improvise; he gave me the space i needed; he cared for me when i was stupid enough to rehash some bad memories---and when i say bad, i mean..."bonnie-what-the-heck-are-you-doing-to-yourself-bad." his humble heart has been the perfect role model for me. the sincerity of his smile is what i'll bring with me to new haven.

then there's another brother....who i think was the first to make me think and RETHINK about the things i was pulling out of my butt. maybe it started with a little bit of questioning, but then, from one thing to another, he always knocked them down with a very logical rational response. that's him; i can never argue. i must say that i have the fondest respect for him---almost like a daddy preaching to his little girl. his brilliant mind and his self-confidence teach me how to hold myself with esteem, yet being humble at the same time. he was the first to greet me at church when i came back in january...he was left behind (like me) on the slopes...he didn't allow dSh to knock me down unpunished...he taught me his strategies of chinese chess...he checked up on me when i needed a sense of direction. what i cherish most is his thoughts of prayers and advice. he instilled enough faith in me to test what it means to put christian and lawyer in the same sentence. i'm actually somewhat worried that i will not find another counselor like him, another friend who seems to think and understand at the same wavelength...okay, so maybe he's beyond me. the truth is, his dorky leading role is commanding, yet endearing at the same time. how did i get so lucky to have landed in the BEST small group at lumps? =) coincidence? my only response is that He KNEW exactly what i was searching for when i first came to lumps...He knew i had questions, He knew i had doubts, He knew i was like a stubborn mule who resisted change. He knew, and with His impeccable timing, He provided.

with my limited knowledge about the Lord at that time, i remembered being shot down by a philosophical comment she made in response to a "devil's-advocate-comment" i made. to be honest, her response left me speechless, left me thinking as if i was truly ignorant of many things my fellow brothers and sisters knew. i felt far behind from the others. but at the end of that sg discussion, she came up to me and asked if i was offended. of course not! i remember going to D3's pad for the first time and seeing her and meeting gw. i found myself opening up to her in the car on our way to bucca; she was the first sister who i openly offered my personal history to. maybe because it was her frankness and outspoken character that always amazed me. her sly and witty responses were more than entertaining...her sarcasm, her mischief, her smirk. i admired her fearless attitude---whether it be trekking abroad or working in a lab environment like myself. her confidence and strength showed me what it meant to be a sister in Christ and a woman in faith. i remember sharing with her my thoughts on "praying" and because we shared a similar attitude, it made me feel so comfortable in praying with her. her dedication to her service (and CT) in Him left me feeling that i too can be an individual without depending on any earthly friend. how funny that i interacted with her most during a period when i considered going to the land of smiles. she has so much to offer...so much for me to learn from. maybe our paths will overlap abroad? =) oh how i pray that that may be a possibility...

her wit reminds me of him. haha. i laugh every time i think about it. i think i learned more about his personal history even BEFORE i met him. he did this, he did that. but that didn't bias my first impression of him, because my first impression was created from my witness of his snow angel. why the clamor? i looked out from my cabin window and...um...yeah. i never had the chance to carry on a conversation until i sat in that car on the way back, trying to instigate a little bit of an argument, maybe? working in academia...working in industry. his perception of me has always been keen, accurate, and mocking. he taught me what an open door meant. he responded to my fear of change responsibly and maturely. his skills (or lack thereof, just kidding) in worship made me feel more comfortable with my very own shortcomings. haha! what's up with the smirk? boba so late as well? why are you always trying to find a reason bonnie? don't think so much! waiting for experiments to run, time ticking...oh so slowly...keeping me accountable? no snotty attitude when i return? i cannot imagine what my last month in SF would have been if we were to become apt-mates...probably lose brain cells yet sharpen our tongues for exercising our skills of wit everyday. boy am i going to miss our pow-wows of philosophical ponderings...

please join me and my fellow brothers and sisters in praying for my homeboys/girls (Ky, My, Jc, Mc, Tc, Jk, Gh, Jw) who will be trekking across the globe to the Land of Smiles....Thailand. i pray that the Lord will convict your hearts of His desires for you..that He will clearly guide you towards His will and that you would flee from anything that would not be of His will...let us take our eyes off our ourselves and fix our eyes on Him...seek first the Kingdom of God and all things will be added unto you...

with all the wedding stuff in the recent months, i've been feeling rather "youthful." it may also be a reaction to the escalating demands of growing up. ahh! too much to handle, i tell myself. i think i'm forgetting how to focus, and STAY focused. am i just taking these last few weeks to be irresponsible before hitting the grind again? maybe i'm just feeling a little tense about the wedding since i have only so little time to make myself fit into my dress?!?

the weather is absolutely gorgeous. i know that the monotony of a weather subject can easily turn my avid readers away, but for one thing, i did not ask for you to read my blog and for another, the weather easily affects the tone of what you will be reading, the waking spirit of me walking to the outdoor vending machine and back, and the only gauge to determine how much junk food i decide to put into my mouth...am i happy? am i moody? am i sad? henceforth, the weather is clearly indicative of how i will respond to YOU if you choose to carry on a conversation with me. oh boy, miserable winters will bring about...a shot of vodka maybe? haha, just kidding. can't you tell that the handsome weather has left me playful?

trip down memory lane...
for some reason, this fourth made me think about the last. i don't usually take a holiday and look back at a year ago and think what happened. but this time i did. this year, standing there, looking straight up, i see the same fireworks that had caught my attention. it just wasn't the same; i lost that wide-eyed excitement---that feeling of idealism that swept over me when i was "one-year-younger." i felt reserved, with more thought-provoking ideas to ponder over some more; i felt like i couldn't open up my heart. in some ways, i felt my well of hope was running dry.

maybe the celebration of independence calls for our celebration of our personal freedoms we have won during the past year. after a betrayal? after worldwide devastation? after an unexpected transformation? gratitude is still something i hold close and dear to my heart. i still see people who i want to go and run to and say thank you simply for spending that minute in caring for me. after a hardening of my heart some time last year, i have continued to guard it so diligently. i may have lost a feeling of optimism, but maybe i have won it back from the help of my friends and family here in SF---the freedom to feel innocent again, to dream.

no wonder ignorance is a bliss. we often look back and see the innocence behind children's eyes, only to yearn for that moment of ignorance again. i don't want to think about how i may get hurt. i don't want to think about how i will not have control. i don't want to think that a directionless path will draw fear into the unwanted doldrums of my current life. maybe this is where God comes in, where i need to put everything before Him and know that when i do surrender all my worries before Him comes faith again. throughout the past several months, there have been people in my life who are my brothers and sisters of faith---who have held my hand and walked with me in the times of dramatic lows. with PJerry's talk on sunday nite, i look back and see that every relationship i've had---with him, with her---each instills a bit of hope in me. it's all about relationships. before i begin to blog away about these individual relationships, i find it in no specific order of how much i cherish each one....all is love.

when i was a little girl, scared of cooties and germs, i wondered if i would ever like boys.
when i had my first crush, i wondered if i would ever talk to him without stuttering.
when i finally had guy friends to talk to, i wondered if they would ever like me back.
when i heard the words "i like you" from a boy for the first time, i wondered if i would ever hold hands.
when i finally held someone's hand, i wondered if i would ever kiss.
when i got my first kiss, i wondered if i would have a boyfriend.
when i had my first boyfriend, i wondered if it would last.
when i had my heart broken, i wondered if i would ever heal.
when i thought my heart had healed, i wondered if i was too idealistic...
when i attended my friend's wedding yesterday, i now know something that i never thought possible.

every season in life brings about a different reaction, a different understanding, a different revelation.

oops! my postdoc sat down in front of my computer while answering a call. she must think i'm psycho. =)