that drive.
i was looking through a few different international scholarships for me to do my summer field study abroad---to save and conquer the world, so to speak. i've always wanted to spend some time "out there" again, since i'm young and capable and not tied down. it must be the ambitious side of me speaking...thinking that this world can be changed somehow with my help. i remember my sg leader told me that i had a lot of idealism in me, that the young-spirited nature has not diminished despite what the world has done and can do. idealism doesn't necessarily equate to optimism, which i might add the latter is the better of the two. oh well, i can't ask for perfection.
while perusing through these possibilities for my coming year, i continually ask myself how much i want to put myself out there again, how much do i want to give up the comforts of my own home to experience another character-builder, how much do i necessarily want to "grow up"? every time i throw myself into an unsure situation, i come out stronger, tougher, with a new group of nomadic friends of similar interests who i can share stories with. am i doing it for myself or am i doing it for God? this is definitely too early for me to commit to an internship, yet, it is not too early to realize that things have changed. the way i feel, my focus. as i am doing research on these things, with michael w. smith playing in the background, an overwhelming sense of appreciation surrounds me. i look out the window. i think. all this time, i've survived somehow. can it be that although you may not necessarily have the strongest desire to do something, yet there's a calling----an attraction pulling you in that direction? that even if i'm ready to say, let's not go there anymore, courage takes over and you deal with whatever it may be knowing that you will eventually survive afterall?
is He making the decision for me or am i making it for myself with faith that He will provide? do i wait for Him to answer my prayers? that hopeful independence consumes me again---a good one, i might add.
i was looking through a few different international scholarships for me to do my summer field study abroad---to save and conquer the world, so to speak. i've always wanted to spend some time "out there" again, since i'm young and capable and not tied down. it must be the ambitious side of me speaking...thinking that this world can be changed somehow with my help. i remember my sg leader told me that i had a lot of idealism in me, that the young-spirited nature has not diminished despite what the world has done and can do. idealism doesn't necessarily equate to optimism, which i might add the latter is the better of the two. oh well, i can't ask for perfection.
while perusing through these possibilities for my coming year, i continually ask myself how much i want to put myself out there again, how much do i want to give up the comforts of my own home to experience another character-builder, how much do i necessarily want to "grow up"? every time i throw myself into an unsure situation, i come out stronger, tougher, with a new group of nomadic friends of similar interests who i can share stories with. am i doing it for myself or am i doing it for God? this is definitely too early for me to commit to an internship, yet, it is not too early to realize that things have changed. the way i feel, my focus. as i am doing research on these things, with michael w. smith playing in the background, an overwhelming sense of appreciation surrounds me. i look out the window. i think. all this time, i've survived somehow. can it be that although you may not necessarily have the strongest desire to do something, yet there's a calling----an attraction pulling you in that direction? that even if i'm ready to say, let's not go there anymore, courage takes over and you deal with whatever it may be knowing that you will eventually survive afterall?
is He making the decision for me or am i making it for myself with faith that He will provide? do i wait for Him to answer my prayers? that hopeful independence consumes me again---a good one, i might add.
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