a girl of many wishes, many dreams.

a glimpse revisited.
a click on a random blog entry of yours truly brought back the passion and excitement it conveyed. for some reason, although it was not explicitly stated for certain things, i could almost relive the whole experience again. i found it entertaining and enriching. entertaining because i look back and see how much i've changed. enriching because i see how i can easily do it all over again without a second thought. i laugh at myself sometimes for the dork in me.

for a while now, moments of denial, doubt, and frustration left me questioning my faith. even when i wanted to go to the retreat the past weekend, scheduling conflicts took my hopes away. i even found myself dried up, like a stubborn prune, of His desires and purpose for me. I caught myself pursuing tangible dreams and asking for a predictable direction, losing that spontaneity that my young heart desires. knowing of my closest friends' struggles (those who had exuberant faith at one point) also made ME, someone running on half empty, to give up everything i can to fill their cups. but how can i? obviously kidding myself. in my struggle to hold on to His love, i turned my head away in hopes of hiding from the mighty fear of letting go. was He breaking my will or was I refusing to see His? i was overwhelmed. i could not walk. this intangible idea became just too intangible for me to grasp. i did not feel that i believed.

thrown into something that i thought would fuel my idealism, reality left me feeling disappointed. there was no ideal; like everything else, it was not perfect.

one moment so fun, another so great. bonding gave me confidence that something of what i thought would stay permanent. but shamefully i must admit, i had naively misplaced my hopes and dreams...not from Him, but from earthly pleasures and excitement i was living in. when He took it all away, disappointment grew...deeper still.

when you first turned your back on me, were you trying to test my reaction or did you really care for my growth? then why, months later, i see no real sign of love but only momentary glimpses of how-are-you, perhaps? i opened up vulnerably. maybe what lies between us will remain taboo, only because busy lives will keep it that way. french food? i refuse to see that shattered ideal and i will only hold on to that one image when i was holding onto my cross-necklace. but my admiration and respect for the person i know one to be will not stop living. will you still find time to catch up?

inkling notions made me question. some positive, some restraining. i wanted clarity and i had been so patient. i waited, i sat, and i listened. words did come too late, huh? confusion did not help, huh? yes, i was hurt. you were confused all this time, yet i did not know why. clarity. and when we did meet again, things were no longer the same, huh? "the" apple doesn't look that great the second time around....

yes, lengthy, wordy, whatever one wished to say. but did i ask for your business to read my personal thoughts and personal ponderings?

you listened to every thought, every fear i had to say. you made my spiritual world real. you made my real world spiritual. i never thought i could stand here still and trust that wherever i go, you will listen to me whine and listen to me cry. thanks woman. you're the best. yes, i am scared, without a doubt. what lies ahead for someone so demanding, so selfish, so sinful?...a heart that is waiting to be restored...

oh and then there's you....an angel dropped from above. oh wait, from the side actually...freezing, shivering from the snow. ha. but maybe common interests made things easy to share. you never spoke with a judgmental eye. you never turned away but listened. true friend, i do respect. free time now, but you just wait.

i never thought we'd speak so much afterwards. it's weird, it's true. pocky connection, i must say. regular check-ups are more than enough--to keep me sane, to keep me real; thanks bro. i think there's a lot to learn, no? there's a lot to share still, yes? just continue to be real and straightforward...a blissful thought, no doubt.

i was obnoxiously mean. i was purposefully rude. you, only you. why? why did you continue to linger still? the resemblance turned me away. i broke against my walls of imprisonment...i cried the loudest cry...i smiled the biggest smile.

all this time, He has been preparing me to see that second chance.

on the courts
so a few days ago, i was at the gym, shooting hoops with n and s. i really miss hanging out and just messing around on the courts. i think my 3-pointers have gotten quite precise!...at a certain spot, of course. =) a game of girls against boys tonight. quite frankly, from what i saw, i really think the girls have a fair shot in this "big game." somehow among my group of friends, we've created this competition to be quite an event. people always bond through competition. most of the girls go to the same church i've been checking out; so it's been a really healthy environment. it's funny, but i never imagined grad school to be like this. everyone i've been meeting has a lot of potential; it's exciting to see where each and every one of us will go a few years from now. are these friends out of convenience or friends for life? i guess we shall see. but for some reason, i have a good feeling about this one...

after digesting a bit, i spoke with c this morning. c always knows how to make a bitter pill taste bittersweet. =) staying real...

call of truth.
like a 2-ton truck lifted off of my shoulders, it was truly liberating to talk to a. it's been a while. moments like these make me say...God, thank you for listening. thank you for Your patience. despite the back aches that continue to plague my efficiency and performance here at school, i am starting to get back into the swing of everyday life again. i shouldn't jump the gun and list out how much i wish to accomplish this week, but nevertheless, i feel so refreshed....it's been quite a bit of adjustment, but definitely well-worth it. why? because no matter how much i struggled with, He was right, it was a unique cross i could handle afterall.

i even went to workout at the 9-story gym today! can you believe it's my first time working-out in my so-called Y-heaven? there's a gym downstairs of my residential hall, so it makes the big gym a complete pain to get to. but alas, i was peer-pressured into going,...not a bad thing in this case...to relieve some of the tension and stress i have been building up. running on the treadmill made me realize that my ankle has completely healed. =) i even found time to shoot some hoops! back pains? what back pains? i told myself. both my friends (n and s) were blown away that a little girl like me could aim...it must have been inspired by last week's first season's laker win...yes, once again, i have returned....muhahahaha.

happy trick-o-treating...
in a black dress, gloves, ears, and boots , i went out on halloween night in a catwoman costume. i wasn't intending to dress up, honestly, but i had the costume lying around since i went to a party last saturday and i had a so-what-who-cares attitude. i was at a gas station around midnight, walked into the convenient store, said "happy halloween, trick-o-treat, do i get any candy?" and left the store with a bag of sweets. that was the extent of my trick-o-treating...at the expense of my embarrassment in front of two clerks. i must admit though, the attraction of being young and playful crept up in my mind, leaving me feeling completely blissful and idealistic...

my fascination of vivian ward in pretty woman (minus the hooker part) stems from my cinderella imagination of being swept away by a handsome prince. too bad i'm not in hollywood, CA. i remember their first encounter when she meets edward lewis in her meow-like skirt/high boots. their relationship develops as she somehow manages to influence him in taking a day off from work, and they go off shopping for a cocktail dress along the strip of some famous boutiques. it's all about her, and nothing else, until she finally finds the perfect dress---a bit naughty and nice. they go off to dinner at a nice restaurant, with a view overlooking a bridge perhaps? and she is kept on her toes as they go from place to place, being chauffeured around in black-leather-interior car, and they ultimately end up watching a musical performance at a famous theatre..sigh...i must be blog-dreaming?

so although this dreaming left me shy from meeting ms. roberts, courtesy of g, she was apparently in my hood this weekend. interesting, eh?

i watched the spanish flick that everyone has been raving about. i fell asleep half-way in between...so i think i missed the point of this otherwise artistic film...was it the movie or was it my new mattress that put me to such sound slumber? so now, i'm debating whether or not to rent it again.....