E. Piphanie

He who knows nothing, loves nothing. He who can do nothing understands nothing. He who understands nothing is worthless. But he who understands also loves, notices, sees...The more knowledge is inherent in a thing, the greater the love...Anyone who imagines that all fruits ripen at the same time as the strawberries knows nothing about grapes. --Paracelsus

Wednesday, February 26, 2003

jesse jackson will be here.

i hate to sound like a political activist because i neither possess the strategic enthusiasm nor comprehensive eloquence to argue over the labyrinth of (actually) a basic problem. i write because the issue at hand is of pressing matter and requires immediate attention from some of the big-wigs here in this administration. of course, this does not mean that they will be reading my blog, but i just want to satisfy my hunger as a pseudo editorial-columnist.

there will be a strike for all of next week from locals 34s and 35s--a union group comprised of potentially three thousand employees, where some, i might add, have not been on contract for the past year. for the past 15 years--yes, that is a decade and a half--the administrative system here has done everything possible to avoid unions, to maintain the elitist attiude of fending off what they considered as wrong. wrong? how can they be so narrow-minded and live in a world that is literally so many decades behind? have we forgotten the ideological principles of what America is about? what are rights? unfortunately this has been going on too long, and the upsetting thing is that negotiations are far from reaching a compromise. strikes are starting on monday and professors who are pro-union have decided to cancel class---with the intention, figuratively, of staying behind the "picket line." the cancellation of classes serve as a symbolic message to the administration that the system is faltering and that people here are affected. in fact, there may be a possibility that if we "do cross" the picket line, literally, we'd be labelled as "scabs." such a political campaign is very new to the sheltered subsurbian girl in me, and i must say that i have very little experience even remotely close to such actions. however, a rally will start on monday evening headed by jesse jackson. yes, you read that correctly. it's going to be big.

i'm neither pro or anti-strike, and i will lean in favor of the unions if you asked me for an answer. however, without really taking a stand, objectively speaking, i am offended. the vulnerable population is at risk...and that population happens to be the students. cancelling class is often something an overwhelmed student such as myself would call as a treat...extra hours for me to get some beauty-rest. but at the same time, this can happen for a very long time. the strike lands on the week before spring break...that's a week of midterms and papers and crucial teaching hours that may critically affect the outcome of this semester. the political strategy behind it is just so perfect. but at the same time, students can do nothing about it. the conflicts between the union and the administration surface at the expense of the vulnerable population. do we get money back? do we get extra loans? do we get extra hours of instruction? what does this all mean to us?

when i say a strike, a lot of activities, accommodations, and services will be affected. living in the dorms--as a school-facility--i won't even have food for the next week. granted that i never really enjoyed cafeteria food in the first place, but i am working hard to pay off these loans, and sticking to a measly budget of momma-sent-care-packages of dried foods (and maybe treats of pocky sticks once in a while). okay, so maybe i do splurge on a few pints of ice cream here and there, but that's only because my friends spoil me! unfortunately, the students have become the non-visible players in this game of truth or dare. and yet, they will never win. as much as i love this place, i also find it her responsibility to reach equal footing for the union members. yes, very much necessary. fine, enough of my feeble attempt to sound socially justified. they never asked for my opinion in the first place. i'm just a student.

Tuesday, February 25, 2003

done it again! wahoo! 3 mi in 31 min. sorry, it's been SO long since i really kept a steady exercise regime.

Sunday, February 23, 2003

the fortune from the fortune cookie read: tonite is your lucky night.

obviously, you can tell that i ordered chinese food last night...it was truly a "lucky" night for me. yesterday, i had successfully convinced myself that it was sunday. i originally had my group meeting scheduled for sunday and it was changed to saturday the very last minute. i ended up working with my laptop downstairs 6 hours after the meeting, with only a dinner break in between. "why were people going out? why were they watching movies?" i had no idea why all of this was happening on a sunday...until...well, yes, i stopped myself and thought..."omigosh!" it is ONLY saturday. with all that energy, i was very productive. in fact, the whole day, i had been walking up and down 11 flights of stairs, and ultimately running 3 mi for 30 min. okay, so i'm no speed-demon, but boy i am so impressed with myself. =) maybe i'm really ready to hike one of the seven natural wonders! so all in all, it was a highly productive day...

but with all that has been happening, i've been really overwhelmed. i've gotten a lot more emotional with the things around me. i'm starting to lose focus. in many ways, this slipping away is scaring me and makes me wanna hold on tighter and longer. what is my purpose? who am i really serving? am i losing the big picture?

i often meet people who question what i am doing and planning on doing. the conflict between ambition and personality is always in question...no wonder i ended up deferring a dream of 20-some years. i am never certain WHAT i want to do, and where i want to go---because there are people asking me, doubting me. i have always been a strong believer in following my passions, someone who finds pleasure in the heart (not in the happenstance). the limitless opportunities and challenges that shape an individual can be so incredibly enriching---i call it freedom. i decide on one thing and get challenged; i do another and get flack. so i stand on my own two feet and charge head-on, only to find myself almost "alone." for what?

so a friend comforts me with these words:

The thing that scares me more about my future is how bleak it would
look if I didn't have my faith. Acknowledging that true joy for me will
only come through Him, and not by my work or career or anything that
others use for substitutes, allows me to focus on ONE particular
question. What does He want me to do?

The answer. I don't know...yet. I suspect that once I get it into my
head to substitute "what He wants me to do" as the answers for all
those other questions, that the other one will be answered in some
perfect way. Perfect in the knowledge of a life pledged to Him,
ignorant of the conflicts and questions that plague me now...

But yeah, I hope your weekend does not involve any:

nerd-like activities
wasting the presence of snow activities
reading something because you have to actitivies
whole weekend by yourself activities
non chilling like a villian activities


i could not have put it better. these words harmonize with my afterthoughts so well...maybe even serving as a witness to others? but unfortunately, i think i failed in the end and well...did all of the above "weekend activities"....=P

Wednesday, February 19, 2003

"let's see what daddy does with it."
d comforted me after i told him my saga for the day. after awe-ing myself and many others at the beginning with a flawless presentation, i left the room with one question answered incorrectly, one question that left me feeling like the whole room of 15 people gasped and held their breath---one simple yes from me seemed to have sunken my heart to rock bottom. that was the feeling i got when i left the room. i know i tried my very best and He had given me all the strength i rightly deserved. He never failed me. before and after, all i could truly think about were the words j had left me with recently....philippians 4:6-7. they were ringing through my ears, keeping me calm, keeping me still. that passage was a perfect reminder from j.

during the past week or two, i had been frustrated and edgy, making conversations difficult to reveal my inner fears. from that 4-hr test to the recent 15+ panel, p had been giving me as much moral support as anyone possibly could, but no doubt, my worries left me feeling rather fussy. simply knowing that he was there left me somewhat comforted, but with reservations. C had been keeping me sane through the exchange of frequent emails, and boy do i miss hanging out. without the constant feedback and the wise advice, i would have found myself in a puddle of mushy-goo, waiting for some passerby to pick me up. it's been draining AND emotionally taxing at the same time.

i had sent out my woes to M and within the same day, i received a reply saying that i was treasured as one who could keep the "secrets" of a distant friend. d had called to personally tell me that i was in the thoughts and prayers and had handed the phone to a to wish me the best. another d had also wished me good luck during all these times of interviews, prep-meetings...etc. despite a busy work schedule. thankfully to the return of m, he spent an absurd amount of time, analyzing my presentation line by line, word for word, only to give me the utmost confidence to confront the big wigs....

despite j's busy schedule studying like a mad-woman, we managed to catch up a bit. there was just so much to talk about and it has just been so long. but her words of encouragement again never cease to amaze me. now how else can i top all the support from good ole california?

but of course not to forget...yahleh C had also been giving me positive feedback and encouragement and i was truly struck by her genuine concern and comfort. N left me a chocolate rose by the door with a little post-it that read: good luck tom! and R left a hanger on my doorknob to bless me with a "hang in there" theme. E had offered me his chicken wings during my study breaks and T had been the one person never neglecting to bring sunshine into my life with her silliness. S was kind enough to change interview spots with me and M came up to me and gave me a big warm hug right before.

the list just goes on and on...and while it may seem like the whole world knew of my oh-so-dramatic wednesday, quite frankly, it was only because these people took the time to ask...to ask how i have been doing, to ask what i have been up to... God is SO good! need i say more?

and now, it's waiting time....there are so many periods of "waiting" in life that make time seem long, whilte the rest of life flies! there is waiting to finish school, waiting for exam results, waiting for the wedding day to arrive, and waiting for the baby to take nine months to grow; there is waiting for a long illness to "break" and signs of recovery to be real; there is the waiting for that event all christians most urgently desire (at least in most periods of their lives)--for Christ to return and restore the fallen world, giving us our new bodies to be His Bride, with only glory ahead and no waiting left.

a conflicting feeling.... loves and joys from my awesome brothers and sisters and a bit of melancholy from a day of tired triumph and defeat. what can i learn out of all this? what can i say about myself after all this? somehow, i'm just waiting for Him to continue to purify my heart. all this emotional up and down, i'm thankful it's over. i'm thankful for the support. but i'm thankful that i found His peace and perfection when i needed it most--in a timely manner, indeed. this morning, i found it. i spent ten indulgent minutes reading a favorite book that had nothing to do with work, interview, or getting "buns of steel." it was just for enjoyment, just for me....from Him.

so comes with it, my endearing thank you to all and to Him.

Monday, February 17, 2003

"did you do a snow dance?"

a friend who didn't even know i did the "pocky-dance" in the past asked me that over IM this morning. the reason for THAT is merely because i sounded like an ecstatic crazy woman at 8:30am in the morning! =) there's a blizzard...i suppose that's what you call it and well, even though classes are literally 15 steps away from the dorm entrance, i don't have to go. there's a spectacular view from the 11th floor and i am in awe what "east coast winter" is truly like. can i live here? ha! can i live here temporarily so i can cut classes? ha. let's just say, i'm definitely enjoying this...

to be the responsible person that i am...(ahem!), i even called the registrar's office to ask for the list of cancelled classes (i'm not even sure if ALL my classes are cancelled today). there is a total of ONE person in the office this morning and she even says that she is out of her mind for coming in. i tell her to go home, but instead, she says she's hoping that blockbuster will open in an hour or so for her to pick up some rentals on her way home. now THAT is a cute answer.

this is really new to me. i suppose i can easily go outside and see what it's really like to be stuck in the cold like that. honestly, though, all i can think about right now is the next few days of snowball fights (and 15-people panel interview of course). the juxtaposition of fun and stress can be quite clever in my lil world. it's always been like this: black vs. white, high vs. low, old vs. new....just worlds of extremes coming together, and for me to find that happy medium. well, i'm going to go back being productive now....=) i think....

Sunday, February 16, 2003

the novelty of it all.

imagine a little boy giving excuses for not going to school. imagine a little girl asking for candy after the cough medicine. imagine bonnyth hoping for a strong blizzard for her to be snowed in. =P it's 12:31 AM over here and i'm waiting for a blizzard to hit. where is he? when will he come to give me "vacation"? while my friend who lives in long island is complaining about his few inches of snow on president's day holiday (real vacation for him), i'm reaping the benefits of the east coast culture...because of all the wears and tears of my emotionally taxing interviews the past week, i'm really hoping that i don't have to go to class tomorrow...even if it is just one day, it'd be awesome! mondays rank the second worse day of the week in terms of workload, and well, i'm just secretly hoping that i just "need" to do nothing for a change. heehee. i know, i'm bad. but...this is just so exciting!

Friday, February 14, 2003

woman, do you like? =)

"Brown Eyes"
by Destiny Child

Remember the first day when I saw your face
remember the first day when you smiled at me
you stepped to me and you said to me
I was the woman you dreamed about
remember the first day when you called my house
remember the first day when you took me out
we had butterflies although we tried to hide
and we both had a beautiful night

The way we held each others hand
the way we talked the way we laughed
it felt so good to find true love
I knew right then and there you were the one

I know that he loves me cause he told me so
I know that he loves me cause his feelings show
when he stares at me you see that he cares for me
you see how he is so deep in love
I know that he loves me cause its obvious
I know that he loves me cause it's me he trusts
and he's missing me if he's not kissing me
and when he looks at me his brown eyes tells his soul

Remember the first day, the first day we kissed
remember the first day we had an argument
we apologized and then we compromised
and we haven't argued since
remember the first day we stopped playing games
remember the first day you fell in love with me
it felt so good for you to say those words
cause I felt the same way too

The way we held each others hand
the way we talked the way we laughed
it felt so good to fall in love
and I knew right then and there you were the one

I know that he loves me cause he told me so
I know that he loves me cause his feelings show
when he stares at me you see that he cares for me
you see how he is so deep in love
I know that he loves me cause its obvious
I know that he loves me cause it's me he trusts
and he's missing me if he's not kissing me
and when he looks at me his brown eyes tells his soul

i'm so happy so happy that you're in my life
and baby now that you're a part of me
you showed me
showed me the true meaning of love
and i know he loves me

I know that he loves me cause he told me so
I know that he loves me cause his feelings show
when he stares at me you see that he cares for me
you see how he is so deep in love
I know that he loves me cause its obvious
I know that he loves me cause it's me he trusts
and he's missing me if he's not kissing me
and when he looks at me his brown eyes tells his soul

He looks at me and his brown eyes tell his soul

Tuesday, February 11, 2003

it snowed again yesterday.
there's something incredibly romantic about being outside with continuous (gently, i might add) falling snow, lamp-posts dimly lit, and snow shovelled off of the walkways. whether i'm alone or walking beside a friend, the quiet-end of each snowflake as it lands onto the ground brings upon a very natural soothing feeling. wearing my gloves, scarf, and long coat, i trot along to the law library--only to find myself completely smitten by the gentle breeze that exists in the air. it's just so romantic.

Sunday, February 09, 2003

is that legal?

before i start explaining my malingering attitude, let me just say...a much needed break i have had. the last two weeks or so, other than the heaps of work i've been trying to catch up on and the "logic" studying that seems to remain endless, God has definitely opened doors of wisdom and compassion for me. i've been studying like mad--yeah, mad-woman mad! but i still find time to play...i just, well, NEED it. all the things i read and learn about in my classes (daily) are so morbid. it makes me feel so small in knowing that i have very little power to do anything about it. how can i be God's servant in a world that is ugly and debilitating? although i have been enthusiastically hyper about my abroad summer challenge 2003--when i do dream the possiblity of "making a difference, so-to-speak--i know i cannot. it scares me that with a lack of both motivation and inspiration, it is so easy for anyone to step away from anything that extends beyond the comfort zone. it is so easy to turn away from an ugly situation and say, sorry, but it cannot be fixed. while i stand at the edge of the cliff seeing the possibility that i have no willpower to make any sacrifices whatsoever, i suddenly get pulled back and God tells reminds me how lucky i am. the circumstances that i am in make me so ...special. why do i then think about myself? why does the world center around me? with a mix of happiness and sorrows during the past week, i realize that maybe all my conversations have been: what is bonnyth worried about next? if it's not this, it's that. whatever happened to those who do make a difference without complaining about the pressure laid upon their shoulders? now that is something to admire.

boy what a lesson i've had this past week. a tear-inducing one, i might add.

God, i'm ready. =)

Thanks!
her prayer over voicemail left me in tears. yes, i was extremely touched, more so than i've felt in a very very long time since i've been here. unfortunately, my earpiece hasn't been working, so while i'm waiting for a new one to be shipped to me, i will have to apologize for my insufficient call-backs. oh it's just so tough to have limited cell-phone access. =P but her prayer and her thoughts give me most uplifting joy when i am especially in the doldrums of busyness. i cannot begin to say how grateful i am to have a friend/sister/peer like her. God has created this sister to be so perfect, so compatible, for me. who would have thought, eh woman? yay! last week, i also found little good-luck notes, bags of sweets, cards, motivational eye-contacts from my very supportive ya-leh friends. very little words can be blogged about for my sense of appreciation and love i am and have been feeling. it will not do justice for the tears of joy my little humble heart cries.

last week came to a close with a very beautiful snow-fallen day. i went out to take a walk the whole friday afternoon, spent chit-chatting with my friend ET--an undergrad alum, now medstudent--while taking random digital pictures, and snoozing around in different lecture halls of the campus. it was such an ideal way to keep my mind off of a momentous test that following day and yet, a perfect opportunity for me to get comfy with the test center. irony can be so deceptively engaging.

Why?
his spoken and unspoken words left me sitting in the bittersweet darkness. what is true?

got a lemon....turnover.
doldrums uplifted...and in celebration of a momentous saturday, my friends and i end up dressing up for the lovely rusty scuppers...a perfect restaurant with perfect view, enjoying our fresh zesty oysters amidst an atmosphere of live jazz music. the saxophone can be so...sexy--almost as sexy as the girl with her black sleek asymmetric off-the-shoulder-top who fell off 5-steps of stairs on her knees. yes, the delectable child is yours truly. luckily such embarrassment is only enjoyed in her own eyes of hasty-silliness--simply walking down from 10th to 9th floor. fortunately, i knock on my friend's doory...only to find bandaids and first aid waiting for lil ole me. funny but my cry-baby whimpers are soon softened by this.

so blessed, so blessed....that night, after rusty...my friends and i enjoy the nh nightlife at bottega, playing games of truth...(censored). it was truly a blessed night of dressing up, falling apart, and well, making a fool out of myself. but hey, at least the pictures turned out really well! =)

Born again, sunday.
so here i am...a cozy sunday, putting the finishing-touches on (again)...school work. sigh. work hard, play hard. no doubt. there's been some cleverly scripted conversations around my neck of the woods, however, which totally cracks me up....thanks to a fellow brother at home to keep me company as well (you're bored, eh?). ==) sometimes the world is so incredibly small.....so here i am entertained by my friend mtc....she writes: this is my friend. he has a lot of time on his hands. so i watch... so with a bit of care, you'll soon notice what i also noticed....a resemblance to someone oh-so-familiar...maybe someone back at home who's well, a close friend of someone even more familiar? *wink

well now, the books i must return to. i have never read so much in my life....i object! heehee, i almost want to object to the privilege of becoming intelligent....well, after such lengthy journalling...a friend just IMed me to get back to work... so off i go...

Tuesday, February 04, 2003

a novel but timely idea.
with a mesh of overwhelming thoughts flying across the room, maybe it is time for me to sit still again. yes, that's been my prayer request. to sit still, to listen, and to be faithful. "where did God go?" i had thought amidst my busy schedule at one point in time...

but today, someone special told me to email back the top 10 things that made me happy today...i am so spoiled. i really am. i became hesistant after the first thing. how can i be so ungrateful sometimes? why do i keep pursuing my goals and dreams, only to find myself lonely...completely lonely from life's intended purpose. how can that be? i've asked God. with my somewhat agenda-oriented lifestyle the past few days, i'm beginning to lose sight of what's important. ever since my SF-year off, i haven't relapsed into such habits until now. i wonder if it's the school, or the people here, or the people not here, but somehow, a new focus must be reached. i have an inexplicable case of the "bothersome worries." i think the bottom line is...this place is small, confining...i just miss seeing the world...

Sunday, February 02, 2003

gong hey fay choy! spent a bostonian new year with old friends; took a walk at 1am with G--talked about everything! wouldn't YOU want to know; ordered $18 chinese takeout all by myself on sat. in G's dorm room; went to aria; had dim sum; bought chinese pastries back for my ya-leh friends; loved it, loved it, loved every minute of it...now rejuvenated for another 11 busiER weeks.....