Loads---laughs, stories, pictures---to share, and so little time to do it, details later. Praise God for wonderful fellowship. Praise God for my beloved sister. Amen! Praise God for all those who prayed for me and for my dear ankle! Praise God for a brother who, despite his crazy schedule, went out of his way to tell Sandra to give ME a hug. Amen!
Monday, July 28, 2003
Thursday, July 24, 2003
day 17: vietnight out
i'm beat. especially with the low immune system as of late, i've found myself closing my eyelids rather early in the night. for those who have tried to reach me, I LOVE YOU!!! whether or not i've received your call, know that i am eternally indebted to your kindness. you guys are great! one of those heart warming ones must be from C who called twice since i had rudely brushed her off at first. I would say sorry in vietnamese except that my lonely planet only teaches me cam un = thank you. =) like i have said, this was the first real instance where my stomach never truly stopped churning....oh well, at least the food tasted good while it lasted.
tomorrow morning i'm biding farewell to the lovely saigon, not really anticipating to return (at least not anytime soon). not to say it's a horrible place to visit, of course, i am blessed to cross off another country on my to-conquer list, but the truth is, i've had a very "thorough" experience and it's really time to move on. staying around backpackers district has had it's pros and cons...but my work has truly given me a more cultural experience of what ho chi minh city really is all about. i've gone everywhere...and when i say everywhere, i mean, take a look at the HCMC map, and my driver, Minh, drove me through all the streets. quite an adventure, i must say. i really don't know when i'll be riding the motorcycle like this again.......(it somehow fulfilled that bad-boy complex in me of wanting to sit behind a motorcyclist! hehehe). and to answer another friend's question...nope, never wore a helmet. you just don't around here. =P i've enjoyed the random moments of pouring rain, the dirty atmosphere of eating pho, the constant and addicted nature of bonnyth wanting to be online, and more importantly, the stares and glares of "who is she?" overall, it has all been positive.
after taking a long nap this afternoon, i decided to get dressed for my last HCMC party. i went to a cafe with an elegant decor and sat down by myself, looking through the menu. as i peered from behind my wooden book of um...say 5 pages...i noticed that i was the only asian eating in that restaurant. everyone else, coupled, were foreigners---mostly from europe, i think. not to feel pressured to be with someone (social phobia of mine), but during the 40 minute time span i was in this cafe, numerous vietnamese people came in and out to sell "cigarettes, books, gum, jewelry" to the foreigners. funny thing was, although at least 15 people came in, no one (not a single soul) approached ME nor asked me to buy anything. somewhat rejected? sorta....not really.... not sure. there were little kids who spoke english so well...trying to con foreigners to buy this, buy that, play games with them. i laugh because i find it so entertaining. they are SOOO good at it, as if they were car salesmen. it's great! i can see these little kids (averaging between 5-7) growing up to be quite a con artist. and mind you, they're all girls and all cute. =) if they had really approached me, i might just have caved in and gotten something completely useless. like i've told a friend, it pays to be "cute."
the research portion of my thesis work is nearing an end. i'm glad that i've had such great success in all the interviews i've conducted with everyone being so incredibly helpful. i have one or two back in thailand, but overall, my fieldwork is complete. this SE asia excursion has been made possible by two different scholarship foundations, and well, it's nice to know that i am good at begging for money. it's also great that i can fit in a few random visits here and there...
i'm being picked up from the airport tomorrow. wahoo! after travelling for the whole day...it'll be great to get hugs! i've been missing them...(hint hint).
i'm beat. especially with the low immune system as of late, i've found myself closing my eyelids rather early in the night. for those who have tried to reach me, I LOVE YOU!!! whether or not i've received your call, know that i am eternally indebted to your kindness. you guys are great! one of those heart warming ones must be from C who called twice since i had rudely brushed her off at first. I would say sorry in vietnamese except that my lonely planet only teaches me cam un = thank you. =) like i have said, this was the first real instance where my stomach never truly stopped churning....oh well, at least the food tasted good while it lasted.
tomorrow morning i'm biding farewell to the lovely saigon, not really anticipating to return (at least not anytime soon). not to say it's a horrible place to visit, of course, i am blessed to cross off another country on my to-conquer list, but the truth is, i've had a very "thorough" experience and it's really time to move on. staying around backpackers district has had it's pros and cons...but my work has truly given me a more cultural experience of what ho chi minh city really is all about. i've gone everywhere...and when i say everywhere, i mean, take a look at the HCMC map, and my driver, Minh, drove me through all the streets. quite an adventure, i must say. i really don't know when i'll be riding the motorcycle like this again.......(it somehow fulfilled that bad-boy complex in me of wanting to sit behind a motorcyclist! hehehe). and to answer another friend's question...nope, never wore a helmet. you just don't around here. =P i've enjoyed the random moments of pouring rain, the dirty atmosphere of eating pho, the constant and addicted nature of bonnyth wanting to be online, and more importantly, the stares and glares of "who is she?" overall, it has all been positive.
after taking a long nap this afternoon, i decided to get dressed for my last HCMC party. i went to a cafe with an elegant decor and sat down by myself, looking through the menu. as i peered from behind my wooden book of um...say 5 pages...i noticed that i was the only asian eating in that restaurant. everyone else, coupled, were foreigners---mostly from europe, i think. not to feel pressured to be with someone (social phobia of mine), but during the 40 minute time span i was in this cafe, numerous vietnamese people came in and out to sell "cigarettes, books, gum, jewelry" to the foreigners. funny thing was, although at least 15 people came in, no one (not a single soul) approached ME nor asked me to buy anything. somewhat rejected? sorta....not really.... not sure. there were little kids who spoke english so well...trying to con foreigners to buy this, buy that, play games with them. i laugh because i find it so entertaining. they are SOOO good at it, as if they were car salesmen. it's great! i can see these little kids (averaging between 5-7) growing up to be quite a con artist. and mind you, they're all girls and all cute. =) if they had really approached me, i might just have caved in and gotten something completely useless. like i've told a friend, it pays to be "cute."
the research portion of my thesis work is nearing an end. i'm glad that i've had such great success in all the interviews i've conducted with everyone being so incredibly helpful. i have one or two back in thailand, but overall, my fieldwork is complete. this SE asia excursion has been made possible by two different scholarship foundations, and well, it's nice to know that i am good at begging for money. it's also great that i can fit in a few random visits here and there...
i'm being picked up from the airport tomorrow. wahoo! after travelling for the whole day...it'll be great to get hugs! i've been missing them...(hint hint).
Wednesday, July 23, 2003
day 16: where are you from? are you vietnamese?
too much information
how DO two strangers meet? well, maybe they're just drawn to each other. it's amazing how friendships blossom...good friends talk about anything--even if it is a conversation between a girl and a guy. that's the nature of bonding and getting to know each other at a deeper level. so to lighten the world of failed health policies, i find myself eating ice cream and chatting online with friends back at home---not that any of this really changes reality. a buddy comes online and tries to encourage me to get an outrageous "asian" haircut. he's a never-sleeping designer. go figure. the last time i went buck-wild with my hair was about 2.5 years ago when i decided to go for a meg ryan cut. i literally went back to the hair salon four times, and well...let's just say, there is no such thing as an asian meg ryan. i think i got a demi moore cut instead. so to really trust another asian hair stylist would take a lot from me. we shall see. then my friend tells me that he has no more underwear...that he's wearing his last pair even though he had gotten a new one just yesterday. and right before he actually gets up to do his laundry, he actually considers wearing it inside out. ewww...too explicit or what?
facing my social phobia
i have always associated eating with a social thing. maybe it's the asian in me who wants to eat with someone even if we're not talking. as most of my friends may remember, one of my phobias is walking into a sit-down restaurant and eating by myself. i had tried to face it when i was in new haven. i tried to avoid that as often as i could, especially when i was backpacking in europe. this created many meals of just bread and cheese. i like to order the food and eat it on the go. i don't want people to stare at me and think why i'm alone. in short, i cared what others thought of me.
being alone in hcmc, i have had several incidences of eating alone already. yay! balloons and streamers for me! the truth is, i am in a stage in my life where i just WANT to eat alone and not be disturbed. i just want to stare outside the street and look at how the native people interact with each other. i want to sit there, journal in my bon-bon diary (courtesy of g*dub), and just think. sometimes i even find myself splurging a bit more on each meal in order to really taste the culture of vietnamese food. i think i'm growing up. =)
so while i was eating alone last night, with the pouring rain keeping me from going home, i saw these two asian men staring back at me. i look at them sternly---without a flicker of smile. the defensive nature in me quickly hardened as i realized that it was dark outside and i had to walk home by myself. after quietly eating my beef noodles and paying the bill, one guy comes and approaches me. he asks to talk to me, and i say, why. after his persistent ways of talking to me, i felt intruded...very much so, from the way he was looking, staring, and talking. i responded with: go away. i found myself bolder and louder in things that i do to protect myself. no, they're not young men who appeared to be backpackers like me. they were grown business men who seemed to be looking for trouble. there are so many gross people like that out here. i remember being in hard rock cafe in thailand and found so many couples of white baldy, big-belly men with thai girls of all ages. it disgusted me. especially with the work that i have been investigating in, no wonder this world can be so corrupted. there are direct or indirect sex workers. then there are pimps who pay these sex workers. then there is HIV/AIDS. the cycle of evils continue.
downward spiral
what is amazing about this trip is that this time around, my purpose is not to travel and be on vacation. i see more than a simple tourist would. i see the daily grind of the people who live there, those who make just enough to support their survival for a day. deformity is such a common thing. out of 10 people, i find a deformity in a stranger that is shouting boldly at me. whether it is the hand, the face, or the body, physical deformity is prevalent and evident. but that is only something i see when i stare outside. that is only something we can "ALL" see. what about the deformity that lives within them, that cannot be seen with the human eye? what about the deformity that stays and dwells within their hearts that i cannot see and can never reach out to? how do they live without faith, without the God that protects me? or am i presumptuous to be feeling this way? maybe they are richer in their lives than i in my thoughts? who gives me that right to think the way i do? the chauvinistic attitude in me...so what if i live in supposedly the "christian" country? what does it mean? what does this all mean?
too much information
how DO two strangers meet? well, maybe they're just drawn to each other. it's amazing how friendships blossom...good friends talk about anything--even if it is a conversation between a girl and a guy. that's the nature of bonding and getting to know each other at a deeper level. so to lighten the world of failed health policies, i find myself eating ice cream and chatting online with friends back at home---not that any of this really changes reality. a buddy comes online and tries to encourage me to get an outrageous "asian" haircut. he's a never-sleeping designer. go figure. the last time i went buck-wild with my hair was about 2.5 years ago when i decided to go for a meg ryan cut. i literally went back to the hair salon four times, and well...let's just say, there is no such thing as an asian meg ryan. i think i got a demi moore cut instead. so to really trust another asian hair stylist would take a lot from me. we shall see. then my friend tells me that he has no more underwear...that he's wearing his last pair even though he had gotten a new one just yesterday. and right before he actually gets up to do his laundry, he actually considers wearing it inside out. ewww...too explicit or what?
facing my social phobia
i have always associated eating with a social thing. maybe it's the asian in me who wants to eat with someone even if we're not talking. as most of my friends may remember, one of my phobias is walking into a sit-down restaurant and eating by myself. i had tried to face it when i was in new haven. i tried to avoid that as often as i could, especially when i was backpacking in europe. this created many meals of just bread and cheese. i like to order the food and eat it on the go. i don't want people to stare at me and think why i'm alone. in short, i cared what others thought of me.
being alone in hcmc, i have had several incidences of eating alone already. yay! balloons and streamers for me! the truth is, i am in a stage in my life where i just WANT to eat alone and not be disturbed. i just want to stare outside the street and look at how the native people interact with each other. i want to sit there, journal in my bon-bon diary (courtesy of g*dub), and just think. sometimes i even find myself splurging a bit more on each meal in order to really taste the culture of vietnamese food. i think i'm growing up. =)
so while i was eating alone last night, with the pouring rain keeping me from going home, i saw these two asian men staring back at me. i look at them sternly---without a flicker of smile. the defensive nature in me quickly hardened as i realized that it was dark outside and i had to walk home by myself. after quietly eating my beef noodles and paying the bill, one guy comes and approaches me. he asks to talk to me, and i say, why. after his persistent ways of talking to me, i felt intruded...very much so, from the way he was looking, staring, and talking. i responded with: go away. i found myself bolder and louder in things that i do to protect myself. no, they're not young men who appeared to be backpackers like me. they were grown business men who seemed to be looking for trouble. there are so many gross people like that out here. i remember being in hard rock cafe in thailand and found so many couples of white baldy, big-belly men with thai girls of all ages. it disgusted me. especially with the work that i have been investigating in, no wonder this world can be so corrupted. there are direct or indirect sex workers. then there are pimps who pay these sex workers. then there is HIV/AIDS. the cycle of evils continue.
downward spiral
what is amazing about this trip is that this time around, my purpose is not to travel and be on vacation. i see more than a simple tourist would. i see the daily grind of the people who live there, those who make just enough to support their survival for a day. deformity is such a common thing. out of 10 people, i find a deformity in a stranger that is shouting boldly at me. whether it is the hand, the face, or the body, physical deformity is prevalent and evident. but that is only something i see when i stare outside. that is only something we can "ALL" see. what about the deformity that lives within them, that cannot be seen with the human eye? what about the deformity that stays and dwells within their hearts that i cannot see and can never reach out to? how do they live without faith, without the God that protects me? or am i presumptuous to be feeling this way? maybe they are richer in their lives than i in my thoughts? who gives me that right to think the way i do? the chauvinistic attitude in me...so what if i live in supposedly the "christian" country? what does it mean? what does this all mean?
Tuesday, July 22, 2003
yes, still here.
i'm hungry. time to get some pho again? but it's pouring outside...like really...i'm stuck.
as my thoughts spill over after every interview i have, i contemplate a bit longer and a bit deeper. my job is sorta done here in vietnam. did more than 5 interviews already and have had more than enough information to come up with a really thorough thesis in terms of the vietnam portion. but somehow, i find myself independently seeking more contacts and asking for more information from different perspectives. yes, i probably have nerd written over my forehead right now. JUST right now. =)
i wonder what my parents are thinking at this moment. they have no idea what i'm doing abroad. i guess ever since i started trekking on my own...across the countries, they stopped to really pursue the answers to my daily lifestyle. perhaps they trust what i'm doing and know that i'm mature enough to be the daughter they have. or perhaps, i'm really not as mature as they think and they've given up on me. just kidding. i know that i reiterate this often and i know it sounds so easy for me to say the two words that show my appreciation, but really, i am so thankful. i am so blessed. prayers really truly work. words cannot express my excitement about life and towards the future. sure, i don't want to lead a "vanilla" day (although i'd love to be eating vanilla everyday), but sometimes it's really what you make of it. we all share similar adventures or similar stories in the end, but how we interpret our blessings and how we show our gratitude somehow makes us unique, makes us different from the person sitting right next to us. i find it amazing that there are ex-patriots (those who travel as well) who have had more adventures than i can count with my fingers and toes. and yet, to stay humble in this world of gifts....it is not easy.
humility...how can we be humble when things are so great sometimes? myself included. i do question my faith and my walk with God. I do question what i'm doing and where i'm going with all that i have been blessed with already. do i really need Him? do i need to be talking about Him or sharing my insights about Him to other people? although the answer really is NO, because He has never expected anything of us, i know i believe in God...because how else can i really say thank you? is that a correct mode of thinking?
i interview people who make me sad about this world. i learn things here in thailand and vietnam where only my eyes can reveal how i feel. it's disheartening and very painful sometimes. i find myself wanting to just eat, or even splurge,...to forget about how hopeless my two hands are. sometimes i really hate the ugliness that i see. it crushes my innocence. (as i have said in my medschool personal statement: "naivete can BE a good thing").
living in this world with evils can be tough without God. living in this world where darkness befalls our daily living can pose barriers to our survival. living without forgiveness, without faith, without a sense of believing....S was right..."i would be dead by now."
i'm hungry. time to get some pho again? but it's pouring outside...like really...i'm stuck.
as my thoughts spill over after every interview i have, i contemplate a bit longer and a bit deeper. my job is sorta done here in vietnam. did more than 5 interviews already and have had more than enough information to come up with a really thorough thesis in terms of the vietnam portion. but somehow, i find myself independently seeking more contacts and asking for more information from different perspectives. yes, i probably have nerd written over my forehead right now. JUST right now. =)
i wonder what my parents are thinking at this moment. they have no idea what i'm doing abroad. i guess ever since i started trekking on my own...across the countries, they stopped to really pursue the answers to my daily lifestyle. perhaps they trust what i'm doing and know that i'm mature enough to be the daughter they have. or perhaps, i'm really not as mature as they think and they've given up on me. just kidding. i know that i reiterate this often and i know it sounds so easy for me to say the two words that show my appreciation, but really, i am so thankful. i am so blessed. prayers really truly work. words cannot express my excitement about life and towards the future. sure, i don't want to lead a "vanilla" day (although i'd love to be eating vanilla everyday), but sometimes it's really what you make of it. we all share similar adventures or similar stories in the end, but how we interpret our blessings and how we show our gratitude somehow makes us unique, makes us different from the person sitting right next to us. i find it amazing that there are ex-patriots (those who travel as well) who have had more adventures than i can count with my fingers and toes. and yet, to stay humble in this world of gifts....it is not easy.
humility...how can we be humble when things are so great sometimes? myself included. i do question my faith and my walk with God. I do question what i'm doing and where i'm going with all that i have been blessed with already. do i really need Him? do i need to be talking about Him or sharing my insights about Him to other people? although the answer really is NO, because He has never expected anything of us, i know i believe in God...because how else can i really say thank you? is that a correct mode of thinking?
i interview people who make me sad about this world. i learn things here in thailand and vietnam where only my eyes can reveal how i feel. it's disheartening and very painful sometimes. i find myself wanting to just eat, or even splurge,...to forget about how hopeless my two hands are. sometimes i really hate the ugliness that i see. it crushes my innocence. (as i have said in my medschool personal statement: "naivete can BE a good thing").
living in this world with evils can be tough without God. living in this world where darkness befalls our daily living can pose barriers to our survival. living without forgiveness, without faith, without a sense of believing....S was right..."i would be dead by now."
Monday, July 21, 2003
day 15: pho party
another day braving the streets as the "motorcycle queen" as one friend says. again, i've asked my driver Minh to take me around. the first time i had an interview here in vietnam, he took me very far out into a remote area. sitting on the back of his motorcycle, i really had no way to get out, unless i jumped. i was getting nervous at one point and politely, but assertively, asked: how far still? he said, in a few minutes. he took me there safely and ever since then, i've trusted him. he tells me to be careful too when he drops me off in a nearby crowded market. and more importantly, he knows a bit of english.
so of course, he's probably making bank from a consistent customer like me, but for me, it's a dollar here and there, and safety comes first--not to mention that i've carried myself quite cautiously as well. so today, after waiting for a few hours after my interviews with three sex workers, he took me to get some good pho. although i can't taste the real difference between states and vietnam, the atmosphere is different. i'm in vietnam...i'm in freaking vietnam...where there are actually internet connection! haha. i spend more time on the internet during the day because it's a lot faster than at night. so as i was enjoying my pho and iced milk coffee (with ice cubes made from contaminated water, i'm sure)....it suddenly pours. haha. i can be riding behind the motorcycle and it pours again. oh well....if i'm here to enjoy the culture, i might as well take the good and the bad.
it HAS been enriching. but i find myself growing spiritually weak, especially during times when i can do nothing about the situation here. i find myself questioning the place where i'm at, the relationships/friendships i have with people, and the near future that will soon approach once this mission comes to an end. what now? what then?
today is the second time i log onto IM. i even get responses from "THOSE" who never IM me anymore! you know who you are...it takes a plane ticket for me to get a hello from you. haha. thanks for keeping my spirits alive during this taxing, yet rewarding, time....
another day braving the streets as the "motorcycle queen" as one friend says. again, i've asked my driver Minh to take me around. the first time i had an interview here in vietnam, he took me very far out into a remote area. sitting on the back of his motorcycle, i really had no way to get out, unless i jumped. i was getting nervous at one point and politely, but assertively, asked: how far still? he said, in a few minutes. he took me there safely and ever since then, i've trusted him. he tells me to be careful too when he drops me off in a nearby crowded market. and more importantly, he knows a bit of english.
so of course, he's probably making bank from a consistent customer like me, but for me, it's a dollar here and there, and safety comes first--not to mention that i've carried myself quite cautiously as well. so today, after waiting for a few hours after my interviews with three sex workers, he took me to get some good pho. although i can't taste the real difference between states and vietnam, the atmosphere is different. i'm in vietnam...i'm in freaking vietnam...where there are actually internet connection! haha. i spend more time on the internet during the day because it's a lot faster than at night. so as i was enjoying my pho and iced milk coffee (with ice cubes made from contaminated water, i'm sure)....it suddenly pours. haha. i can be riding behind the motorcycle and it pours again. oh well....if i'm here to enjoy the culture, i might as well take the good and the bad.
it HAS been enriching. but i find myself growing spiritually weak, especially during times when i can do nothing about the situation here. i find myself questioning the place where i'm at, the relationships/friendships i have with people, and the near future that will soon approach once this mission comes to an end. what now? what then?
today is the second time i log onto IM. i even get responses from "THOSE" who never IM me anymore! you know who you are...it takes a plane ticket for me to get a hello from you. haha. thanks for keeping my spirits alive during this taxing, yet rewarding, time....
day 14: ho chi minh city
IMprayer from a 3am conversation
"dear heavenly father, please fill ... with your spirit right now, let her not be distracted from doing your work, but that the joy she has in serving you in distant lands outshines the difficulties and distractions that she faces. please refresh her soul with the joy she experiences today in her ministry, adn that just as your love is unwavering, that her focus on you is also as consistent. please also give ... a heart of discernment, and a faithful heart focused on you as well...in jesus' name, amen"---j
i'm feeling lonely here. i've been in front of this computer for the past 2 hours now. i should really take advantage of just going out and seeing HCMC. heaviness envelopes my spirit, as i chug along in this race, this race for impossible perfection. why has He placed me in these corridors for soul-searching? does He find me lacking in ways that i need to find myself again? as great as it is to be in a foreign land, i am struggling with my inner strength---specifically emotional strength. trying to figure things out, i guess, trying to be ambitious again.
phone calls are insanely expensive. and well, computer access is limited. so what do you do when you really have no human contact to turn to? God is most flexible, i know. and i chose to be in this position right? brokenness, humility....and this too will pass.
IMprayer from a 3am conversation
"dear heavenly father, please fill ... with your spirit right now, let her not be distracted from doing your work, but that the joy she has in serving you in distant lands outshines the difficulties and distractions that she faces. please refresh her soul with the joy she experiences today in her ministry, adn that just as your love is unwavering, that her focus on you is also as consistent. please also give ... a heart of discernment, and a faithful heart focused on you as well...in jesus' name, amen"---j
i'm feeling lonely here. i've been in front of this computer for the past 2 hours now. i should really take advantage of just going out and seeing HCMC. heaviness envelopes my spirit, as i chug along in this race, this race for impossible perfection. why has He placed me in these corridors for soul-searching? does He find me lacking in ways that i need to find myself again? as great as it is to be in a foreign land, i am struggling with my inner strength---specifically emotional strength. trying to figure things out, i guess, trying to be ambitious again.
phone calls are insanely expensive. and well, computer access is limited. so what do you do when you really have no human contact to turn to? God is most flexible, i know. and i chose to be in this position right? brokenness, humility....and this too will pass.
Wednesday, July 16, 2003
day 9: nearing the end of my stay in bangkok
even after putting on insect repellent lotion AND spray, along with wearing a long sleeve shirt, i get a mosquito bite on my arm. it is not only one bite, of course...i do find my feet and ankles to be semi-masticated as well; those darn mosquitoes have discovered a feast! to add to my physical unattractiveness, my feet have been invaded with blisters galore. wearing sandals with my skirts have been quite painful. beauty definitely comes with a price.
interviews have been going surprisingly well. i am fortunate to be interviewing people who find my work important, who want to provide information for my masters thesis. i might add that they are people with occupations that range from directors to ministrial officers. i'm not sure if i will get that type of attention back at home, but being a american student from the east coast has its perks. i never found such a satisfaction in using a "name" or "title" to get me anywhere in life until now; it is almost a necessity if i want to get anything done here. i wonder if it is an asian thing, or simply because i am a young female in a foreign country without any knowledge of the language or culture. nevertheless, i find this experience to be rewarding and fruitful. what surprises me more is that there are many women in the public sector where i conduct these interviews. they are women with power---women with a voice. the equality of the sexes here is evident; it's amazing. =)
even after putting on insect repellent lotion AND spray, along with wearing a long sleeve shirt, i get a mosquito bite on my arm. it is not only one bite, of course...i do find my feet and ankles to be semi-masticated as well; those darn mosquitoes have discovered a feast! to add to my physical unattractiveness, my feet have been invaded with blisters galore. wearing sandals with my skirts have been quite painful. beauty definitely comes with a price.
interviews have been going surprisingly well. i am fortunate to be interviewing people who find my work important, who want to provide information for my masters thesis. i might add that they are people with occupations that range from directors to ministrial officers. i'm not sure if i will get that type of attention back at home, but being a american student from the east coast has its perks. i never found such a satisfaction in using a "name" or "title" to get me anywhere in life until now; it is almost a necessity if i want to get anything done here. i wonder if it is an asian thing, or simply because i am a young female in a foreign country without any knowledge of the language or culture. nevertheless, i find this experience to be rewarding and fruitful. what surprises me more is that there are many women in the public sector where i conduct these interviews. they are women with power---women with a voice. the equality of the sexes here is evident; it's amazing. =)
Tuesday, July 15, 2003
day 8: bangkok, still.
it's getting dark here.
there is this heavy-heartedness lurking in me. not a feeling of despair, but of contemplation and confusion. there is what i know is right--thoughts and values that have been ingrained in me, grown innately; yet there is the cloud of darkness that obscures the innocence of my curiosity. the high rise of excitement overwhelms me as much as the low tides of nostalgia. i came to thailand to conduct my research. i could almost say that my work was done a few days ago. as much as i enjoy the language, the people, and the culture, i find myself ready to move on and even go home.
i've seen enough, enough to keep me thinking for next few years. after visiting the AIDS-hospice in LopBuri--something that cannot be compared to anything i've seen in pictures, tv, or books--i find my heart crying profusely for these people who may be innocent or not...but subjected to something that i cannot comprehend. i suddenly realized that as much good as many christians strive to do, i do not understand the world of darkness. tourists come and go within this hospice---the only one situated in a temple---to "take a look at these patients." it is like a zoo without an entrance fee. how disheartening it is to know that these people are waiting to die, yet still subjected to the humiliation of mankind. thoughts of disgust grow as i walk towards the hospice, and moments of fear cross my mind as i worry about the possibility of ME getting HIV myself. how ignorant i can be. with the only doctor there, the belgian man comes and goes every three months to get a tourist visa---since there really is no legal permission for him to be working there. while public health sector remains strong in thailand, and health policy is as good as it gets in dealing with AIDS (for the time being), repulsion takes control of my emotions.
no, i cannot do anything, nor will i pretend to go and save the world as i once imagined. i find myself chugging along this race, oftentimes even walking backwards. i don't think i will ever get immune to the world of darkness....at least i hope not. i can only think that this feeling is good---to continue to challenge and refine me. i had asked for a prayer of continual humility and brokenness during this trip. and with all those who have been praying for me, He remains faithful.
aside from the cultural experience, i find myself a bit lost when connecting with people. why people act the way they do, why i respond the way i feel...i question it all. it's nice to have that big group of friends, but the experience is so finite. relationships are so definite. as a christian, i am reminded that ultimately i will only have my relationship with Him. but as a human, i see myself being just like anybody else---talking and interacting with people, with it being a necessity. being the traveller that i am, it becomes extremely easy to be introspective, partly because that is who i am. but at the same time, it becomes a need to be an extrovert, to talk and respond, otherwise, i miss my own voice. or is it, because there is a feeling of compassion in every human being, that innately, we long to be loved and missed and cared for? while it is easy to say that i am completely faithful to my God, sometimes i feel completely lonely in this very populated world. what am i searching for exactly?
this soul-searching experience is getting tougher. i feel much much older than a 24-year-old.
miracles.
of course, even amidst all the character-building, there have been random moments of hope and greatness that i know....with prayers...with faith....things are good. i met up with two christian sisters yesterday. although i do not know them myself, they have been introduced to me by Thomas. It turns out that they know g*dub, jedimaster and tiner as well! what a small world, yet just enough to shed some light into my busy schedule here in bangkok!
to save myself $1 USD, i took the sky train and had to walk for about 7 minutes from the station to my place last night. my skirt and sandal attire was not conducive to sufficient defense if i had been attacked. not really smart to be by myself like that, but i had put my senses on high alert, and i wasn't going to get myself into obvious trouble. about 15 feets from the entrance of the international house, i find a black dog resting in my path. he gets up and starts to bark at me. as i stop and hesistantly take a tiny step back, he comes charging straight at me with full speed. my heart raced instantaneously...but miraculously out of nowhere, a beige dog comes charging from my side and runs directly into the black dog, to push him away from attacking me. yes, someone IS watching out for me.....
----
i tried calling home to debrief what i have been seeing here in thailand. my family, however, has been too busy trying to pack for their summer vacation. emails and phone calls from friends back at home reassure me. how great is it to know that there is always a silver lining? =)
it's getting dark here.
there is this heavy-heartedness lurking in me. not a feeling of despair, but of contemplation and confusion. there is what i know is right--thoughts and values that have been ingrained in me, grown innately; yet there is the cloud of darkness that obscures the innocence of my curiosity. the high rise of excitement overwhelms me as much as the low tides of nostalgia. i came to thailand to conduct my research. i could almost say that my work was done a few days ago. as much as i enjoy the language, the people, and the culture, i find myself ready to move on and even go home.
i've seen enough, enough to keep me thinking for next few years. after visiting the AIDS-hospice in LopBuri--something that cannot be compared to anything i've seen in pictures, tv, or books--i find my heart crying profusely for these people who may be innocent or not...but subjected to something that i cannot comprehend. i suddenly realized that as much good as many christians strive to do, i do not understand the world of darkness. tourists come and go within this hospice---the only one situated in a temple---to "take a look at these patients." it is like a zoo without an entrance fee. how disheartening it is to know that these people are waiting to die, yet still subjected to the humiliation of mankind. thoughts of disgust grow as i walk towards the hospice, and moments of fear cross my mind as i worry about the possibility of ME getting HIV myself. how ignorant i can be. with the only doctor there, the belgian man comes and goes every three months to get a tourist visa---since there really is no legal permission for him to be working there. while public health sector remains strong in thailand, and health policy is as good as it gets in dealing with AIDS (for the time being), repulsion takes control of my emotions.
no, i cannot do anything, nor will i pretend to go and save the world as i once imagined. i find myself chugging along this race, oftentimes even walking backwards. i don't think i will ever get immune to the world of darkness....at least i hope not. i can only think that this feeling is good---to continue to challenge and refine me. i had asked for a prayer of continual humility and brokenness during this trip. and with all those who have been praying for me, He remains faithful.
aside from the cultural experience, i find myself a bit lost when connecting with people. why people act the way they do, why i respond the way i feel...i question it all. it's nice to have that big group of friends, but the experience is so finite. relationships are so definite. as a christian, i am reminded that ultimately i will only have my relationship with Him. but as a human, i see myself being just like anybody else---talking and interacting with people, with it being a necessity. being the traveller that i am, it becomes extremely easy to be introspective, partly because that is who i am. but at the same time, it becomes a need to be an extrovert, to talk and respond, otherwise, i miss my own voice. or is it, because there is a feeling of compassion in every human being, that innately, we long to be loved and missed and cared for? while it is easy to say that i am completely faithful to my God, sometimes i feel completely lonely in this very populated world. what am i searching for exactly?
this soul-searching experience is getting tougher. i feel much much older than a 24-year-old.
miracles.
of course, even amidst all the character-building, there have been random moments of hope and greatness that i know....with prayers...with faith....things are good. i met up with two christian sisters yesterday. although i do not know them myself, they have been introduced to me by Thomas. It turns out that they know g*dub, jedimaster and tiner as well! what a small world, yet just enough to shed some light into my busy schedule here in bangkok!
to save myself $1 USD, i took the sky train and had to walk for about 7 minutes from the station to my place last night. my skirt and sandal attire was not conducive to sufficient defense if i had been attacked. not really smart to be by myself like that, but i had put my senses on high alert, and i wasn't going to get myself into obvious trouble. about 15 feets from the entrance of the international house, i find a black dog resting in my path. he gets up and starts to bark at me. as i stop and hesistantly take a tiny step back, he comes charging straight at me with full speed. my heart raced instantaneously...but miraculously out of nowhere, a beige dog comes charging from my side and runs directly into the black dog, to push him away from attacking me. yes, someone IS watching out for me.....
----
i tried calling home to debrief what i have been seeing here in thailand. my family, however, has been too busy trying to pack for their summer vacation. emails and phone calls from friends back at home reassure me. how great is it to know that there is always a silver lining? =)
Friday, July 11, 2003
someone just sneezed in my office....i said, "bless you."
instead of a thank you, everyone ended up laughing.
instead of a thank you, everyone ended up laughing.
day 3
location: Nonthaburi, Thailand
taxi ride to the ministry of PH
the sincerity and hospitality of thais here are entertaining my thoughts of returning to thailand already. despite the horror stories my parents and some close friends have warned me about, i find my adventures here breath-taking and nerve-racking at the same time. i like that. the eventual satisfaction of overcoming a challenge proves to be rewarding and character-building. of course this is not to say that challenge is critical to growth, but i have been blessed in so many ways. for a girl who does not know a single word of thai, i am afraid to take the taxi--courtesy of my parents' comments. for both trips, however, the drivers have been honest and attentive---setting the A/C when they see me sweat, taking me to the exact location i need to go, and providing that friendly face for an otherwise frightened 24-year old girl. both drivers have burnt scars on their arms; one even has a missing thumb. maybe a while ago, i will see something like that and feel repulsed, frightened for its eccentricities. it's strange how the world works sometimes. i have everything that makes me feel complete, even nail polish to make my nails shiny. i take everything for granted, and it is only being forced to be in a different environment, outside my bonnyth bubble, that i am reminded how precious life really is.
i ask God to give me things that allow me to enjoy life, and God gives me life to enjoy many things.
i don't think i can ask for anymore than what i have received. whether they be gifts of people who pray for me, who take my hand and guide my walk, who give me that nod of "hey, i know you're there"---or simply memorable moments of astonishment, of fear, or of contentment....as one of my yaleh friends have said: "[i] am rich, with empty pockets." =)
location: Nonthaburi, Thailand
taxi ride to the ministry of PH
the sincerity and hospitality of thais here are entertaining my thoughts of returning to thailand already. despite the horror stories my parents and some close friends have warned me about, i find my adventures here breath-taking and nerve-racking at the same time. i like that. the eventual satisfaction of overcoming a challenge proves to be rewarding and character-building. of course this is not to say that challenge is critical to growth, but i have been blessed in so many ways. for a girl who does not know a single word of thai, i am afraid to take the taxi--courtesy of my parents' comments. for both trips, however, the drivers have been honest and attentive---setting the A/C when they see me sweat, taking me to the exact location i need to go, and providing that friendly face for an otherwise frightened 24-year old girl. both drivers have burnt scars on their arms; one even has a missing thumb. maybe a while ago, i will see something like that and feel repulsed, frightened for its eccentricities. it's strange how the world works sometimes. i have everything that makes me feel complete, even nail polish to make my nails shiny. i take everything for granted, and it is only being forced to be in a different environment, outside my bonnyth bubble, that i am reminded how precious life really is.
i ask God to give me things that allow me to enjoy life, and God gives me life to enjoy many things.
i don't think i can ask for anymore than what i have received. whether they be gifts of people who pray for me, who take my hand and guide my walk, who give me that nod of "hey, i know you're there"---or simply memorable moments of astonishment, of fear, or of contentment....as one of my yaleh friends have said: "[i] am rich, with empty pockets." =)
Wednesday, July 09, 2003
day 2
location: bangkok, thailand
priceless.
there's this little creature in me that's filled with excitement and awe right now. she is jumping up and down--barely able to contain the enthusiasm and apprehension in her. the experiences i have at such a young age warrant more thanksgiving than i truly deserve. the culture of thailand is amazing. this is amazing. now i understand why the thailand missions team say such great things about thailand. i am loving it here and it's only been 24 hours. if only i had the opportunity to learn the language and feel even more at home. i fit in; it must be my skin complexion. ha. but i can only imagine what it means to be a real thai student, studying, attending classes, and eating at the cafeteria everyday. i'm a bit taller than most folks here. and one thing that makes me different is my aqua skirt, whereas most students have black skirts as their uniform. yeah, yeah, i never fail to stand out. maybe that is what i enjoy--throwing myself into unsure situations and finding a way out. i came here not knowing what i was getting myself into, but somehow, i trusted God completely---especially since this is my FIRST real trip taken with Him.
i started doing my fieldwork already. i flew in and interviewed the first person without taking a breath of fresh air. (there's really no fresh air here anyways). but the truth is, i've been learning so much and each interview just blows me away. i have very little background on HIV/AIDS, but more and more i see that these experts i am interviewing will give me priceless information that will carry my thesis far. can i say amazing yet again?
i am staying at the international dormitory where there is maid service daily. i have my own refrigerator and a little tv--which i think is broken. the showers are similar to what i'm used to in hong kong. there are two beds in my room with AC...if only i had friends to visit. =) there is a shopping center close by, probably 15 minutes walking distance. but more importantly, it is the opportunity to enrich myself with thai culture, to people watch on a normal school day, and at the same time, to gain more knowledge of the existence of health policy in another country. all these things compile a greater experience than i have imagined. all the decisions that i have made to make me come to this point in my life seem to make sense now; it's all coming together.
for 15 baht (40 baht per US dollar), i ate a full-filling lunch at the school cafeteria. it's real thai food and i know it must be really safe! =) i started taking pictures of the food here too...definitely inspired by my brother g*dub i tell ya. i wonder if people are annoyed when i randomly take pictures of them. i didn't bring the cable to download my pictures, so maybe my yaleh friends here can help me out. thanks to E, i have a cell phone here as well. Too bad i brought the "asia" charger---for the wrong asian country! i should have listened to him and brought every accessory with me, for the US charger would have been useful since i have a converter here. oh well. i'll just figure out how resourceful i can be.
i love travelling. it's being in a completely new and unfamiliar environment by myself that makes me think, ponder over the every day life of other people, and take myself off of the pedestal that i dramatize often. the world is so big and there is so much to see. this experience is not a vacation, but of work, where i may truly enrich myself of the thai culture. the last time i was able to do that was in sweden. perhaps this two week experience in thailand is planting a seed of possibilities for what is to come...
location: bangkok, thailand
priceless.
there's this little creature in me that's filled with excitement and awe right now. she is jumping up and down--barely able to contain the enthusiasm and apprehension in her. the experiences i have at such a young age warrant more thanksgiving than i truly deserve. the culture of thailand is amazing. this is amazing. now i understand why the thailand missions team say such great things about thailand. i am loving it here and it's only been 24 hours. if only i had the opportunity to learn the language and feel even more at home. i fit in; it must be my skin complexion. ha. but i can only imagine what it means to be a real thai student, studying, attending classes, and eating at the cafeteria everyday. i'm a bit taller than most folks here. and one thing that makes me different is my aqua skirt, whereas most students have black skirts as their uniform. yeah, yeah, i never fail to stand out. maybe that is what i enjoy--throwing myself into unsure situations and finding a way out. i came here not knowing what i was getting myself into, but somehow, i trusted God completely---especially since this is my FIRST real trip taken with Him.
i started doing my fieldwork already. i flew in and interviewed the first person without taking a breath of fresh air. (there's really no fresh air here anyways). but the truth is, i've been learning so much and each interview just blows me away. i have very little background on HIV/AIDS, but more and more i see that these experts i am interviewing will give me priceless information that will carry my thesis far. can i say amazing yet again?
i am staying at the international dormitory where there is maid service daily. i have my own refrigerator and a little tv--which i think is broken. the showers are similar to what i'm used to in hong kong. there are two beds in my room with AC...if only i had friends to visit. =) there is a shopping center close by, probably 15 minutes walking distance. but more importantly, it is the opportunity to enrich myself with thai culture, to people watch on a normal school day, and at the same time, to gain more knowledge of the existence of health policy in another country. all these things compile a greater experience than i have imagined. all the decisions that i have made to make me come to this point in my life seem to make sense now; it's all coming together.
for 15 baht (40 baht per US dollar), i ate a full-filling lunch at the school cafeteria. it's real thai food and i know it must be really safe! =) i started taking pictures of the food here too...definitely inspired by my brother g*dub i tell ya. i wonder if people are annoyed when i randomly take pictures of them. i didn't bring the cable to download my pictures, so maybe my yaleh friends here can help me out. thanks to E, i have a cell phone here as well. Too bad i brought the "asia" charger---for the wrong asian country! i should have listened to him and brought every accessory with me, for the US charger would have been useful since i have a converter here. oh well. i'll just figure out how resourceful i can be.
i love travelling. it's being in a completely new and unfamiliar environment by myself that makes me think, ponder over the every day life of other people, and take myself off of the pedestal that i dramatize often. the world is so big and there is so much to see. this experience is not a vacation, but of work, where i may truly enrich myself of the thai culture. the last time i was able to do that was in sweden. perhaps this two week experience in thailand is planting a seed of possibilities for what is to come...
