in an effort to figure out what classes i'd be taking this taxing semester, i entrusted a wise and rational friend from the other coast to help me resolve my academic conflicts. do i choose an easy class without much depth and just breeze on by for the sake of graduating or do i indulge myself with a little bit of sophistication and intellect to satisfy my hungry desires of maximizing my education here? so there i go...asking for his advice. and he uses his magic.

tails. yes, tails was for the hard class.
the coin has been flipped.




if only life can be this simple, where a two-sided coin will resolve all the conflicts of our daily lives, our minds, and our hearts. as i struggle to find truthful relevation in my very own heart, my confusion and angst open up my vulnerability to immediate pleasures. i find myself asking questions about my future, my ambitions, and my desires---how do i pursue the things i want without sacrificing His Will? sure you'd think that the my nomadic adventures brought me new insight and satisfaction in witnessing God's grace, but yet at the same time, the striking difference between His and my world shines boldly as I question my identity of who i am and what i want. i have great relationships with the people i love, but i also find myself being critical in wanting "engaging conversations." i value the opportunistic nature i have to get things done, yet i feel ashamed to be so worldly. sadly to say, the food-laden refridgerator in my apartment is a simple reflection of my wants to be "more-than-adequate."

so how do i strive to be the better person that i've been wanting to be? where do i draw my boundaries when it comes to both mental and physical desires?

i feel trapped in an effort to survive.

so impressed upon me are words of wisdom through a simple IM chat...with a distant friend far far away, where God has so cleverly placed on my lap this past summer. as thoroughly as i possibly can, i share with you her response to my questions and doubts of "being my very best for God."

it starts out with being "cultually honest." there are things that we can or cannot do, as christians...and sometimes, there are things that you're "not supposed to do" as well. maybe it's the ignorant child in me who has yet to learn, but there are things that seem to be okay. it's been an internal complex where i've strived to be the best, to be good enough for Him, but i AM human, and i DO stumble. I err like everyone else. why does it feel like i'm never good enough?

the truth is, this is exactly where i'm supposed to be. amazingly enough, during the last several weeks when things have been both physically and emotionally taxing, i find myself struggling to hold on---struggling to just simply believe. both busy and sleep-deprived, i can barely function without being caffeine-induced. the online chats have definitely kept my sanity going, but late night calls with tears running down my face have been too much to bear sometimes. J asks:....how do you do it?

thanks for my first cali visit with great fellowship and great FOOD (wahoo!) and my first "princess" package from my biggest pocky-fan...and of course the random check-up phone calls....when you ask, God provides!

He uses not the strong, but the weak, not the wise, but the fool, to usher in His coming. As another Asia-traveling brother claimed, "I AM a weak fool!" Oftentimes when we strategize and pride ourselves of the work we do as His believers, we forget to give "Him" the glory.

although this may be a justification, for the free-passionate-hopeless-romantic-spirit in me, stumbling is tough...