"I'm Here," He whispered into my ear.
Suddenly, everything momentarily stopped.

wahooooooooo for wholesome fun.

friday night: i washed my hair. yep. you might find this to be a lame excuse for not going out, but wait, listen to this. I DID go out to a shopping mall earlier (located about 40 minutes away from here)....and for all you lucky gals who can shop till you drop anytime of the week, THIS is a luxury for me, to get out of New Haven and to see people. This was probably the first mall where I felt like I was back in Socal. Without a car to drive and explore the city, I often feel trapped and secluded from the normal lifestyle of the cali girl in me. Instead, a spontaneous trip was made with my buddy MTC, to westfarms...quite a list of shops, don't you think? I actually didn't buy anything extravagant, except for some cool eyeshadow and lipglass---something to make me feel different, i suppose. You know the feeling when you have nothing to buy, but you just NEED to get something? That's me alright....afterall, we did trek 40 minutes away so I had to make it productive, right? ;) On our way home, we stopped by Target---the cherry to top off my dessert. I ended up buying random stuff, again, such as new shampoo. I saw this ad during one of the commercials of the GQ Show the past week, so I decided to give it a try! I was hoping to mimic those hot celebtrities at the awards night, or figure out how GQ men get attention. So after washing my hair, I hate to say it was an intensifying moment of limes and lemons, but it was! IT smells SO good...i can't really pinpoint the exact smell, but it was just so refreshing! It completed my Friday night with a smile. ;)

saturday: i went to pick apples, pumpkins, and run through a corn maze. Don't forget to scroll DOWN the webpage to take a look! i've never had an experience like this before...just simple, wholesome fun. I guess this is what people in CT do. ;) And to be honest, it was quite relaxing and enjoyable---to enjoy the simple pleasures of life. With all that has been going on with my mind and heart these days, simple fun is PERFECT fun. there were questions along the way, in the maze, and my friends (BSK and MTC) and i chose "American History." So in order to receive tips of either going left or right at certain places, we had to answer questions such as: What's the US Mantra? Who was the first president to live in the White House? Any clues you trivial buffs out there?

i remember when M tried to teach me how to be chill. i was never able to "really succeed," let along mastering it. i did this weekend. i took Sandra's advice and did something EXTRAVAGANT for myself. i had some WHOLESOME fun.

friend said: you're very girly, sometimes....ideal, romantic, controlled by emotions, sensitive, dreamy.
me said: you always knew that about me.
friend said: i know.

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is it wrong to have the emotions that i do? where does that hopeless romantic in me stop? lately, i've had a mesh of not-so-great feelings enveloping my everyday actions. i have very little motivation and find very little sleep. and just when you think you've reached the bottom, it feels deeper, or better yet, you have no idea where your feet will land. school has been discouragingly busy and on top of that, the leave of a group member has placed more weight on my shoulders. my biceps are barely in good enough shape to keep it up.

i did something i haven't done for a while. today, i took out my dancing shoes, and practiced my pirouettes. two baby! =) it still needs a lot of work, of course, but ever since i sprained my ankle once, twice,...faltered in keeping my balance in my dance class, and then a third, i have lost a lot of confidence to balance on one foot again, let alone doing two full turns. life is always like that. every time you get hurt, you're a bit more cautious, a bit more reserved. is this not an oxymoron to the childish idealism in me? the free-spirit, the invincible attitude of just believing, of letting go and allowing yourself to be vulnerable? is this just a girl thing? --the whole i-am-emotional thing. i wonder how many guys out there allow their emotions to take over. i trust that they have strong feelings and emotions too; i've seen it before. but why does it feel like girls are always the ones most vulnerable? why am i that typical girl who wears her emotions on her sleeves?

ironically, although i have always been a strong believer that "emotions are never wrong," i don't think these emotions say who i am.

as i was rereading my old personal statement, i noticed that much of who i was was very thorough, very comprehensive. if i were to give it to someone who barely knew me, he'd say, "i feel like i know you now." but as i redefine myself three years later, i am up a creek without a paddle...struggling, to find even a simple beginning. how can i use a sheet of paper to define myself?---the person i have and want to become? the complexity of life has really added lines to my smile. of course without my girlfriends--whether it be on the west coast, east, or abroad--i'd probably would've aged more than any shiseido or estee lauder can handle.

perhaps?...the truth is, i can't define myself because i don't even know who i am anymore. i've soul-searched quite a bit, sometimes bearing fruit, other times just envisioning what i want. am i demanding? am i spoiled? am i compassionate? am i forgiving? someone once told me: show me your actions and i'll tell you what you believe.

can you then tell me what i believe?

the weird feeling of nostalgia

i sat there in the dim light, staring out into the distance--but my mind was barely there. no, not even barely...it just wasn't. i wish i could even say that this mesh of emotions consumed me, overwhelmed me...but it didn't. i just sat. it just sat.

explicit responses to implicit thoughts (aka expectations)

a promise was made. with the test being over, now in the process of being fulfilled, entering into world of girl-dom (again), S and I finally started our Sex and the City marathon---over the now nonexistent pints of ice cream, take-out chinese food, and late-night giggles. before friday night, i had not finished a single episode, now i have 13 down, with another 5 pending by the end of this weekend. Graduate students have a lot of time on their hands? Um, nope. not true. But somehow, i had to lift myself from the doldrums of being a twenty-something—a period of transitional drama—and say, “hello? why do i have these unnecessarily burdening thoughts to plague the rationalize mind?” perhaps this is a rhetorical question. Would my undying hopeless romantic heart be a suitable answer?

The glamour, the talk, the liberation of being a woman were all so entertaining to the confines of being a good-christian-girl. It’s television. I can barely commit myself to a world of $500-shoes, nice clothes, and posh partying yet I struggle with simply mending the brokenness of my failed attempts to be godly.

The fact that I made a futile trip to the railroad station yesterday (while hoping to head out to nyc alone) was a testament to the fact that confusion overwhelmed me. Just minutes before leaving, I was chatting with F and S—both miles and MANY MORE miles away, and I described certain things as f-up. In order to place emphasis on such perception, I turned crude. I shamefully apologized only to find responses of i-love-yous from them.

The dichotomous world blocks the view and spoils my night. We all know why we’re here. Am I trying to ignite an old flame? passion for G? The sun is going down. I want to go home, but maybe another day. After journaling at the train station—I might as well since I was there for more than an hour—I walked back with my supposed-overnight-stay-clothes, dozed off at a friend’s after a temple-massage, and eventually headed home.

My evening was flavored with random calls of innocent sweetness. This is a term for me to separate innocent from intentional. Although D was taking me away from my marathon and I was already impatiently giggling, I looked at S and shouted… “SOOOOOOO sweet!” Then S commented on a few others who had interrupted the precious charisma of Mr. Big that night as well. We came to the conclusion that even though we were able to re-ignite our women-power through this marathon, we were no “vagina-monologue” extremists. We were true old-fashioned romantics at heart.

Although the big question mark sat gracefully on top of my head that evening, I perked my eyes up with a wrinkled forehead and scrunched up eyebrows. “You stopping me on my tracks?...try me.” *wink

it was simply stated, but answered.

i only need to have faith of a mustard seed, for He will carry the burden for me. The yoke is easy if I let Him carry me. I know I can't do it on my own. Now is the time to walk through the fire, when the going gets tough, can I still hold on to my faith? Can I walk the narrow path? And take the harder route? There is no perfect right or wrong path, the journey is mine, we have free will....God desires me to be happy, but the question is--Will I walk there with or without Him?

There's no doubt in mind that the Lord indeed has great plans for me, and is working in me at the moment. I trust that God will provide someone to complement my work for Him. Let me just say in advance, thank you G. ;)

Random shizniks

i should be writing my policy paper, or better yet, getting my much-needed beauty rest. but i can't because i'm somewhat emotionally charged, in a good way, surprisingly. since it's 3am here, i'm going to share with you random shizniks that happened yesterday.

with very little sleep the night before, i had my presentation and after that sat in class just staring into empty space. i glanced in the direction of several other colleagues, smiled, and continued my blank stare of giggles and enlightenments. a brainless thought just suddenly surfaced and i started thinking about what makes a "great guy." yes, someone who i would just be smitten over, someone who would as Snoop might relate to as "game-over." i'm not going to elaborate on my obsession for vampires and draculas--obvious points that several, if not many, girls can relate to. no? =) how about leopold and his white horse? honestly, as much as pob labels me as a "princess," are my expectations really that demanding and all that unrealistic? why don't you guys slap me silly and tell me the truth? ;)

the list included characteristics of my "father." yeah, it sounds awfully wrong, but it's the truth. my daddy has been the sole source of protectiveness, love, and care any little girl desires. like Him---our Daddy. will He ever let us down? will He ever turn his back away and say, fine, go do your own thing, I'm not going to care for you anymore? it's amazing how G stands firm in His love for us...how He is there even when i'm not looking.

I can feel him standing right next to me, wherever I may be...whether it be waiting in line to get coffee, or sitting down before the wedding ceremony starts. i can feel my hand being covered, protected by his. i can feel him kissing my forehead and asking me, do you know who loves you? the simple words of "you're taken care of" reminds me that i'm not alone---filling me completely with inspiration and encouragement that can only be fulfilled by and with him.

simple gestures, simple ways....God brings me to life. no wonder i daydream that my ideal is like my daddy. i'm falling in love with God all over again.

there are no shortcuts to maturity.

i finally found some time to hang out with friends this weekend. it was nice to smile and be noticed. it was encouraging that my awkward-broken-wit could be renewed. it was definitely inspiring to know that despite my hiatus from the human-world, despite my rather selfish behavior to commit my time and energy to a personal ambition--or perhaps, responsibility?--i still found open arms on the other end welcoming me back from the world of nerd-dom. =)

i can't say that i didn't cherish my time of being alone, however. the times i walked to and from the law library made me believe that time does tick and seasons do change. walking down the main street with a colorful scarf around my neck, a camel colored classic jacket, and a pair of jeans that could never go out of fashion (which actually means just plain jane jeans), i found myself rather tall, walking with my back straight and enveloping an air of pseudo-confidence. it was an attitude that was very much "necessary" for me to face the challenges i had been dealt with at that time---whether it be mouse traps or logic games or broken conversations. my ability to stand with such confidence was a testament to the fact that He was my strength in my weakness. I couldn't have done it without the people he brought forth into my life and without His love.

it's funny because i've just been spotted---spotted by a friend who was rummaging through google, i think. i don't want to sound like i'm this christian girl always thanking God for the trials and tribulations that He hands me--although it sometimes is and can come across that way. good times and bad times....i'm human, that's all i can say...

i lack inspiration to finish this blog. my thoughts feel heavy.