A glimpse of nostalgia.
I can't sleep. Considering that I've been on CA time ever since my spring break, and the million light years prior, I was lying in bed early this morning with a glimpse of what-now? In a world of constant motion and excessive demands, I suddenly found myself sitting here, lost for words, yet feeling ok.
A little less than two years ago, at this time, I was tested to give up something I had fallen in love with, a community I had so established my christian connection--a budding spiritual maturity. A year prior to that, I had just left my undergraduate years of being a commuter, being an ambitious individual who was constantly searching for love. My track history of constantly being on the move had given me strength and confidence, simply building strong relationships here and there, with people who understood my growth in places that I saw very little chances of returning to. I had left behind a-once-puppy-love relationship that was destined to end, that left dark crevices in my innocent thoughts, if not irreparable holes in my heart. While searching for answers to the who-am-I questions, that yearlong hiatus from school in a astounding city left me curious and hungry for something even greater. I instantly connected to a hand that I could barely see, an arm that kept me close within His reach, and I started walking along with Him, wholeheartedly.
Transitioning to the east coast, I was called to reveal my true faith--not necessarily how much, but what kind. I had wanted to do something to give back--something striking. It was a lot harder than I had imagined, especially when the previous year had been so easy---almost like a comfort bubble---that drew me in. I knew I was placed here to serve the way my heart had yearned to back in SF, but how now? I felt caught between a world of then and now. I lived and breathed in humility. Especially on paper, I really had very little to show for.
Looking back, I've lost that girl who always found a need to define herself. Perhaps it's just...be, not do. For the first time, I see the many months ahead dynamic and challenging in ways that will remain uncertain until I get there. It's almost...scary. I'm transitioning again. Into a stage or period or season in my life that is...blurry. As much as I want to find something that is permanent, I don't even want to think twice that it will be there 6 months from now. No point if He's going to take it all away from me.
So I continue to walk.
I'm going to miss the cold when I get to wear my long coat and mittens only to walk two blocks for class. I'm going to miss the snow when I get to reap its benefits and never once had to shovel. I'm going to miss the coffee runs and the sex-in-the-city nights when I need to unwind with my dear canadian friend (she's hot, btw). I'm going to miss the down time when I have absolutely nothing pressing, so I chat with several windows at once. I'm going to miss the three-hour difference that allows me to wake certain peeps up at my leisure. =) I'm going to miss the rivalry when that community college up north competes with us. I'm going to miss the Big Apple that is so close, yet so far---but still, it feels as if it's at my fingertips. I'm going to miss the pizza, the ramen, the chewy chocolate chip cookies. I'm going to miss the random visits, late night talks, and unspoken thoughts with people who I have fallen in love with.
I've been in a world of only believers. I've also been in a world of almost all nonbelievers. But for what it's worth, I might just be ok.
I can't sleep. Considering that I've been on CA time ever since my spring break, and the million light years prior, I was lying in bed early this morning with a glimpse of what-now? In a world of constant motion and excessive demands, I suddenly found myself sitting here, lost for words, yet feeling ok.
A little less than two years ago, at this time, I was tested to give up something I had fallen in love with, a community I had so established my christian connection--a budding spiritual maturity. A year prior to that, I had just left my undergraduate years of being a commuter, being an ambitious individual who was constantly searching for love. My track history of constantly being on the move had given me strength and confidence, simply building strong relationships here and there, with people who understood my growth in places that I saw very little chances of returning to. I had left behind a-once-puppy-love relationship that was destined to end, that left dark crevices in my innocent thoughts, if not irreparable holes in my heart. While searching for answers to the who-am-I questions, that yearlong hiatus from school in a astounding city left me curious and hungry for something even greater. I instantly connected to a hand that I could barely see, an arm that kept me close within His reach, and I started walking along with Him, wholeheartedly.
Transitioning to the east coast, I was called to reveal my true faith--not necessarily how much, but what kind. I had wanted to do something to give back--something striking. It was a lot harder than I had imagined, especially when the previous year had been so easy---almost like a comfort bubble---that drew me in. I knew I was placed here to serve the way my heart had yearned to back in SF, but how now? I felt caught between a world of then and now. I lived and breathed in humility. Especially on paper, I really had very little to show for.
Looking back, I've lost that girl who always found a need to define herself. Perhaps it's just...be, not do. For the first time, I see the many months ahead dynamic and challenging in ways that will remain uncertain until I get there. It's almost...scary. I'm transitioning again. Into a stage or period or season in my life that is...blurry. As much as I want to find something that is permanent, I don't even want to think twice that it will be there 6 months from now. No point if He's going to take it all away from me.
So I continue to walk.
I'm going to miss the cold when I get to wear my long coat and mittens only to walk two blocks for class. I'm going to miss the snow when I get to reap its benefits and never once had to shovel. I'm going to miss the coffee runs and the sex-in-the-city nights when I need to unwind with my dear canadian friend (she's hot, btw). I'm going to miss the down time when I have absolutely nothing pressing, so I chat with several windows at once. I'm going to miss the three-hour difference that allows me to wake certain peeps up at my leisure. =) I'm going to miss the rivalry when that community college up north competes with us. I'm going to miss the Big Apple that is so close, yet so far---but still, it feels as if it's at my fingertips. I'm going to miss the pizza, the ramen, the chewy chocolate chip cookies. I'm going to miss the random visits, late night talks, and unspoken thoughts with people who I have fallen in love with.
I've been in a world of only believers. I've also been in a world of almost all nonbelievers. But for what it's worth, I might just be ok.
