is it the novelty of being somewhere else that makes this place so new and exciting? what if i was in boston, or new york, or overseas? while other places will definitely have their trademarks, san francisco is truly an amazing city. the intellectually-stimulating environment is what drives me. everyone is in the professional world, pursuing his passions in life. it feels like everyone knows what he wants. you can run across a joe down the street and carry on a thought provoking conversation. it is an inspirational city that never ceases to amaze me.
but maybe i'm putting too much pressure on myself to decide where my path will go. maybe i'm trying too hard to settle into SF quickly. maybe i just don't know how to respond to uncertainty...somehow, i am still scared and i still feel like i do not belong.
today was one of those unusual days that left me unanticipatedly perplexed. it was a low-stress day at work which even allowed me to go out to lunch with a friend. it was nice to eat japanese food..(mmm yum!) and since i was super-productive at work, i even offered to help my postdoc out and drive to the library to look up articles. there i met up with my friend and ended up enjoying the student lifestyle again. maybe i am a closet nerd...(just kidding, i'm not!) but being in the library was awesome. it isn't much different from the science library at UCIrvine, but the serene atmosphere with good company made me want to be a student again.
i also attended the perspectives class: a christians' biblical, historical, and cultural look at missions. i think i might have asked too much from myself, especially since i am only beginning to learn more about christianity. the class was somewhat overwhelming and a little too intense for my little brain. maybe i should learn to figure out things for myself first. maybe i don't belong to a classroom filled with other passionate christians. maybe i just don't fit in. it was a class that left me feeling disturbed, even scared.
somehow when i was driving home tonight, a feeling of uneasiness swept over me. my heart seemed to tell me that something terrible was or had happened; i grew horrified. i felt like i wanted to cry. while i immediately called up my friends and family to inquire about their well-being, i was still not convinced that things were okay. it was one of those feelings that made me want to reach out, to cry for help, to have someone there...just to listen.
ears are busy these days. a listening, caring, available ear is increasingly difficult to find. many seem permanently encased in the headphones of their own private interests. even a free ear isn't necessarily free just to listen sometimes. when people come to us with their troubles, many of us discover we have a birth defect; our ear bone is connected to our mouthbone. when patience, understanding, and encouragement are most needed, we give advice, platitudes and "my experience was similar" stories.
but i got lucky. when i came home, i found a far-away friend online. i guess in many ways, this friend had his earbone connected to a heartbone! not only did he appreciate my honesty, he silently listened (okay so it was online...that's not the point) and ultimately said his prayers. he was sincere and genuine. i was comforted. after talking to several other friends as well that night, i soon realized that i may have been too hard on myself--maybe i was striving for perfection yet again.
the quest for perfection has been a waste of time and energy. it is a quest that has closed my mind and heart to the beauty that is all around me. i can be so preoccupied perfecting the cracks in me that i have failed to realize that light comes through the cracks. I have always held perfection as the standard that i need to live up to or achieve. i must learn to embrace the cracks in my life and breaks in my heart as places into which divine light can shine.
better yet (for those who know me best), i must learn to get my daily intake of ice cream.
but maybe i'm putting too much pressure on myself to decide where my path will go. maybe i'm trying too hard to settle into SF quickly. maybe i just don't know how to respond to uncertainty...somehow, i am still scared and i still feel like i do not belong.
today was one of those unusual days that left me unanticipatedly perplexed. it was a low-stress day at work which even allowed me to go out to lunch with a friend. it was nice to eat japanese food..(mmm yum!) and since i was super-productive at work, i even offered to help my postdoc out and drive to the library to look up articles. there i met up with my friend and ended up enjoying the student lifestyle again. maybe i am a closet nerd...(just kidding, i'm not!) but being in the library was awesome. it isn't much different from the science library at UCIrvine, but the serene atmosphere with good company made me want to be a student again.
i also attended the perspectives class: a christians' biblical, historical, and cultural look at missions. i think i might have asked too much from myself, especially since i am only beginning to learn more about christianity. the class was somewhat overwhelming and a little too intense for my little brain. maybe i should learn to figure out things for myself first. maybe i don't belong to a classroom filled with other passionate christians. maybe i just don't fit in. it was a class that left me feeling disturbed, even scared.
somehow when i was driving home tonight, a feeling of uneasiness swept over me. my heart seemed to tell me that something terrible was or had happened; i grew horrified. i felt like i wanted to cry. while i immediately called up my friends and family to inquire about their well-being, i was still not convinced that things were okay. it was one of those feelings that made me want to reach out, to cry for help, to have someone there...just to listen.
ears are busy these days. a listening, caring, available ear is increasingly difficult to find. many seem permanently encased in the headphones of their own private interests. even a free ear isn't necessarily free just to listen sometimes. when people come to us with their troubles, many of us discover we have a birth defect; our ear bone is connected to our mouthbone. when patience, understanding, and encouragement are most needed, we give advice, platitudes and "my experience was similar" stories.
but i got lucky. when i came home, i found a far-away friend online. i guess in many ways, this friend had his earbone connected to a heartbone! not only did he appreciate my honesty, he silently listened (okay so it was online...that's not the point) and ultimately said his prayers. he was sincere and genuine. i was comforted. after talking to several other friends as well that night, i soon realized that i may have been too hard on myself--maybe i was striving for perfection yet again.
the quest for perfection has been a waste of time and energy. it is a quest that has closed my mind and heart to the beauty that is all around me. i can be so preoccupied perfecting the cracks in me that i have failed to realize that light comes through the cracks. I have always held perfection as the standard that i need to live up to or achieve. i must learn to embrace the cracks in my life and breaks in my heart as places into which divine light can shine.
better yet (for those who know me best), i must learn to get my daily intake of ice cream.
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