why.
i sat in class pondering who was still listening to what i had to say. i don't get much of a response nowadays, which makes me wonder how much of what i say or whine about is really all that important. it wasn't so much of me having low self-esteem, but just a curiosity. although i knew it was not a reflection of who i was, it did leave a somewhat bitter aftertaste in my mouth. but why? i ask myself. why was it so necessary for me to hold on to existing or nonexisting friendships? p reminded me that in order to have friends, i had to be one myself.

the truth was, i haven't made much of an effort to really extend myself outside my little world. even online, i haven't initiated many conversations. last night, both J and A did and well, even though i was swamped with a heavy workload, it made me realize that someone was curious of how i was doing. there is just so much for me to learn from them. so, alas, the world is not about me or my heart, and especially not my mind. it never has been and it never will be. i know my passion has been the driving force for many things i do in life, and where does it all come from? so what about my melodramatic insights, the dynamic rides with emotion, and the questioning of truth and failure? they haven't changed. but my focus has. it can be easy for me to gaze at my worries while i only glance at Him. certain things need to be refocused. fixing my eyes at the right place somehow takes away the weariness in my heart.