a glimpse revisited.
a click on a random blog entry of yours truly brought back the passion and excitement it conveyed. for some reason, although it was not explicitly stated for certain things, i could almost relive the whole experience again. i found it entertaining and enriching. entertaining because i look back and see how much i've changed. enriching because i see how i can easily do it all over again without a second thought. i laugh at myself sometimes for the dork in me.

for a while now, moments of denial, doubt, and frustration left me questioning my faith. even when i wanted to go to the retreat the past weekend, scheduling conflicts took my hopes away. i even found myself dried up, like a stubborn prune, of His desires and purpose for me. I caught myself pursuing tangible dreams and asking for a predictable direction, losing that spontaneity that my young heart desires. knowing of my closest friends' struggles (those who had exuberant faith at one point) also made ME, someone running on half empty, to give up everything i can to fill their cups. but how can i? obviously kidding myself. in my struggle to hold on to His love, i turned my head away in hopes of hiding from the mighty fear of letting go. was He breaking my will or was I refusing to see His? i was overwhelmed. i could not walk. this intangible idea became just too intangible for me to grasp. i did not feel that i believed.

thrown into something that i thought would fuel my idealism, reality left me feeling disappointed. there was no ideal; like everything else, it was not perfect.

one moment so fun, another so great. bonding gave me confidence that something of what i thought would stay permanent. but shamefully i must admit, i had naively misplaced my hopes and dreams...not from Him, but from earthly pleasures and excitement i was living in. when He took it all away, disappointment grew...deeper still.

when you first turned your back on me, were you trying to test my reaction or did you really care for my growth? then why, months later, i see no real sign of love but only momentary glimpses of how-are-you, perhaps? i opened up vulnerably. maybe what lies between us will remain taboo, only because busy lives will keep it that way. french food? i refuse to see that shattered ideal and i will only hold on to that one image when i was holding onto my cross-necklace. but my admiration and respect for the person i know one to be will not stop living. will you still find time to catch up?

inkling notions made me question. some positive, some restraining. i wanted clarity and i had been so patient. i waited, i sat, and i listened. words did come too late, huh? confusion did not help, huh? yes, i was hurt. you were confused all this time, yet i did not know why. clarity. and when we did meet again, things were no longer the same, huh? "the" apple doesn't look that great the second time around....

yes, lengthy, wordy, whatever one wished to say. but did i ask for your business to read my personal thoughts and personal ponderings?

you listened to every thought, every fear i had to say. you made my spiritual world real. you made my real world spiritual. i never thought i could stand here still and trust that wherever i go, you will listen to me whine and listen to me cry. thanks woman. you're the best. yes, i am scared, without a doubt. what lies ahead for someone so demanding, so selfish, so sinful?...a heart that is waiting to be restored...

oh and then there's you....an angel dropped from above. oh wait, from the side actually...freezing, shivering from the snow. ha. but maybe common interests made things easy to share. you never spoke with a judgmental eye. you never turned away but listened. true friend, i do respect. free time now, but you just wait.

i never thought we'd speak so much afterwards. it's weird, it's true. pocky connection, i must say. regular check-ups are more than enough--to keep me sane, to keep me real; thanks bro. i think there's a lot to learn, no? there's a lot to share still, yes? just continue to be real and straightforward...a blissful thought, no doubt.

i was obnoxiously mean. i was purposefully rude. you, only you. why? why did you continue to linger still? the resemblance turned me away. i broke against my walls of imprisonment...i cried the loudest cry...i smiled the biggest smile.

all this time, He has been preparing me to see that second chance.