friend said: you're very girly, sometimes....ideal, romantic, controlled by emotions, sensitive, dreamy.
me said: you always knew that about me.
friend said: i know.
-----------------------
is it wrong to have the emotions that i do? where does that hopeless romantic in me stop? lately, i've had a mesh of not-so-great feelings enveloping my everyday actions. i have very little motivation and find very little sleep. and just when you think you've reached the bottom, it feels deeper, or better yet, you have no idea where your feet will land. school has been discouragingly busy and on top of that, the leave of a group member has placed more weight on my shoulders. my biceps are barely in good enough shape to keep it up.
i did something i haven't done for a while. today, i took out my dancing shoes, and practiced my pirouettes. two baby! =) it still needs a lot of work, of course, but ever since i sprained my ankle once, twice,...faltered in keeping my balance in my dance class, and then a third, i have lost a lot of confidence to balance on one foot again, let alone doing two full turns. life is always like that. every time you get hurt, you're a bit more cautious, a bit more reserved. is this not an oxymoron to the childish idealism in me? the free-spirit, the invincible attitude of just believing, of letting go and allowing yourself to be vulnerable? is this just a girl thing? --the whole i-am-emotional thing. i wonder how many guys out there allow their emotions to take over. i trust that they have strong feelings and emotions too; i've seen it before. but why does it feel like girls are always the ones most vulnerable? why am i that typical girl who wears her emotions on her sleeves?
ironically, although i have always been a strong believer that "emotions are never wrong," i don't think these emotions say who i am.
as i was rereading my old personal statement, i noticed that much of who i was was very thorough, very comprehensive. if i were to give it to someone who barely knew me, he'd say, "i feel like i know you now." but as i redefine myself three years later, i am up a creek without a paddle...struggling, to find even a simple beginning. how can i use a sheet of paper to define myself?---the person i have and want to become? the complexity of life has really added lines to my smile. of course without my girlfriends--whether it be on the west coast, east, or abroad--i'd probably would've aged more than any shiseido or estee lauder can handle.
perhaps?...the truth is, i can't define myself because i don't even know who i am anymore. i've soul-searched quite a bit, sometimes bearing fruit, other times just envisioning what i want. am i demanding? am i spoiled? am i compassionate? am i forgiving? someone once told me: show me your actions and i'll tell you what you believe.
can you then tell me what i believe?
me said: you always knew that about me.
friend said: i know.
-----------------------
is it wrong to have the emotions that i do? where does that hopeless romantic in me stop? lately, i've had a mesh of not-so-great feelings enveloping my everyday actions. i have very little motivation and find very little sleep. and just when you think you've reached the bottom, it feels deeper, or better yet, you have no idea where your feet will land. school has been discouragingly busy and on top of that, the leave of a group member has placed more weight on my shoulders. my biceps are barely in good enough shape to keep it up.
i did something i haven't done for a while. today, i took out my dancing shoes, and practiced my pirouettes. two baby! =) it still needs a lot of work, of course, but ever since i sprained my ankle once, twice,...faltered in keeping my balance in my dance class, and then a third, i have lost a lot of confidence to balance on one foot again, let alone doing two full turns. life is always like that. every time you get hurt, you're a bit more cautious, a bit more reserved. is this not an oxymoron to the childish idealism in me? the free-spirit, the invincible attitude of just believing, of letting go and allowing yourself to be vulnerable? is this just a girl thing? --the whole i-am-emotional thing. i wonder how many guys out there allow their emotions to take over. i trust that they have strong feelings and emotions too; i've seen it before. but why does it feel like girls are always the ones most vulnerable? why am i that typical girl who wears her emotions on her sleeves?
ironically, although i have always been a strong believer that "emotions are never wrong," i don't think these emotions say who i am.
as i was rereading my old personal statement, i noticed that much of who i was was very thorough, very comprehensive. if i were to give it to someone who barely knew me, he'd say, "i feel like i know you now." but as i redefine myself three years later, i am up a creek without a paddle...struggling, to find even a simple beginning. how can i use a sheet of paper to define myself?---the person i have and want to become? the complexity of life has really added lines to my smile. of course without my girlfriends--whether it be on the west coast, east, or abroad--i'd probably would've aged more than any shiseido or estee lauder can handle.
perhaps?...the truth is, i can't define myself because i don't even know who i am anymore. i've soul-searched quite a bit, sometimes bearing fruit, other times just envisioning what i want. am i demanding? am i spoiled? am i compassionate? am i forgiving? someone once told me: show me your actions and i'll tell you what you believe.
can you then tell me what i believe?
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