Familiarity.
The familiarity of the check-in lines, the security checkpoints, and the gigantic windows that can see far into the distance—I’m back at JFK airport. The last time I was here, I was on my way home after finishing my first year of graduate school—pre-SE Asia. Although that only happened a few months ago, I could barely dig up the details of what remained. Perhaps, it was because I was more in cloud 9—in my bubble of confusion, searching for clarity. Several months later, today, I’m still in that same bubble, so it feels, but the uncanny thing is that I feel so much more composed. No doubt, traveling makes you grow up. But at the same time, during the past three months into my second year of gs, I’ve noticed many changes in this girl I was searching to find. The changes are so…unlike who I pride myself to be. Is that a good thing? The things I see and hold on for dear life now are becoming more realistic.
It’s been a while since I actually got out of New Haven, got out of my formerly-mouse-infested-pad. I’ve attempted several times to go to NY and even Philly. Yet, I failed to remove the chains of my heart. I was stuck.
Intense. That’s probably the most appropriate word to describe my last few weeks—whether it be fighting to keep my head above waters in school or keeping the troubling friendships alive or simply fulfilling my passionate spirit of loving. G has really taught me some important yet heart-wrenching lessons in life that I’ve hid from for a while. Dependency, jealousy, ambition, pride.
So I sit here, in the airport terminal, waiting to board. I rethink the words spoken by my mother a few days ago. I had explained to her how several friends of mine “play hard.” Strangely enough, she bluntly mentioned my lack of finding complete freedom. Even when I go out and play, there is always something, to no avail, lingering in the back of my head that reads responsibility. Would this syndrome every go away? Would my “childish enthusiasm” ever run free completely?
As I was walking through the security check-point today, I untied my mid-calf boots, and took them off. A lady walked by and said, “Oh poor girl. They made you take off your boots….Sweetie, that’s why you wear these slip-ons like us.” I smiled and exclaimed, “I want to look cool when I get off the plane.” “What? Are you saying that we’re not cool?” the other lady joked. Oh, the vanity in me took over. I knew I shouldn’t be wearing anything fashionable when traveling, but I’m going back to CA! How can I not enjoy the little moments of fashion since I’m already a total bum back in school? (Okay, this was only a partial modest comment! =))
Listening to Dido’s “white flag,” I find the words resonate with conflicting emotions in my heart. I can see myself speaking those lyrics, but at the same time, it is all too familiar that I’ve been on the other end when I’ve received such words. The words are so poignant—it almost hurts, but not really.
I feel even older this time around, returning to California. I’ve learned to wipe away my expectations, and just anticipate what G has in store for me. I’m really looking forward to sharing good memories with old and new friends again—people who I have dearly missed and often thought about/prayed for. Although I’m supposed to be back for a conference, vacation obviously takes precedence. One week of endearing love and then, it’ll be the Y-H game when I return to school! Wahoo…..and of course, a week of Turkey break, possibly in Boston? Or in Philly? So, perhaps, THIS is my version of playing hard.
I’m really looking forward to this time of untangling some of those knots I’ve struggled with…But like Dido, I will not surrender. I’m in love and always will be.
The familiarity of the check-in lines, the security checkpoints, and the gigantic windows that can see far into the distance—I’m back at JFK airport. The last time I was here, I was on my way home after finishing my first year of graduate school—pre-SE Asia. Although that only happened a few months ago, I could barely dig up the details of what remained. Perhaps, it was because I was more in cloud 9—in my bubble of confusion, searching for clarity. Several months later, today, I’m still in that same bubble, so it feels, but the uncanny thing is that I feel so much more composed. No doubt, traveling makes you grow up. But at the same time, during the past three months into my second year of gs, I’ve noticed many changes in this girl I was searching to find. The changes are so…unlike who I pride myself to be. Is that a good thing? The things I see and hold on for dear life now are becoming more realistic.
It’s been a while since I actually got out of New Haven, got out of my formerly-mouse-infested-pad. I’ve attempted several times to go to NY and even Philly. Yet, I failed to remove the chains of my heart. I was stuck.
Intense. That’s probably the most appropriate word to describe my last few weeks—whether it be fighting to keep my head above waters in school or keeping the troubling friendships alive or simply fulfilling my passionate spirit of loving. G has really taught me some important yet heart-wrenching lessons in life that I’ve hid from for a while. Dependency, jealousy, ambition, pride.
So I sit here, in the airport terminal, waiting to board. I rethink the words spoken by my mother a few days ago. I had explained to her how several friends of mine “play hard.” Strangely enough, she bluntly mentioned my lack of finding complete freedom. Even when I go out and play, there is always something, to no avail, lingering in the back of my head that reads responsibility. Would this syndrome every go away? Would my “childish enthusiasm” ever run free completely?
As I was walking through the security check-point today, I untied my mid-calf boots, and took them off. A lady walked by and said, “Oh poor girl. They made you take off your boots….Sweetie, that’s why you wear these slip-ons like us.” I smiled and exclaimed, “I want to look cool when I get off the plane.” “What? Are you saying that we’re not cool?” the other lady joked. Oh, the vanity in me took over. I knew I shouldn’t be wearing anything fashionable when traveling, but I’m going back to CA! How can I not enjoy the little moments of fashion since I’m already a total bum back in school? (Okay, this was only a partial modest comment! =))
Listening to Dido’s “white flag,” I find the words resonate with conflicting emotions in my heart. I can see myself speaking those lyrics, but at the same time, it is all too familiar that I’ve been on the other end when I’ve received such words. The words are so poignant—it almost hurts, but not really.
I feel even older this time around, returning to California. I’ve learned to wipe away my expectations, and just anticipate what G has in store for me. I’m really looking forward to sharing good memories with old and new friends again—people who I have dearly missed and often thought about/prayed for. Although I’m supposed to be back for a conference, vacation obviously takes precedence. One week of endearing love and then, it’ll be the Y-H game when I return to school! Wahoo…..and of course, a week of Turkey break, possibly in Boston? Or in Philly? So, perhaps, THIS is my version of playing hard.
I’m really looking forward to this time of untangling some of those knots I’ve struggled with…But like Dido, I will not surrender. I’m in love and always will be.
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