Putting things into perspective.
reminiscing about my college years, i became increasingly aware that either the world was changing a lot faster than i thought, or i had grown up in an unusually sheltered, monolithic environment. it was probably a combination of both. prior to my aspiration of finding a voice, i used my middle-child-syndrome-excuse to justify my trying desires to win the approval of men. while born too late to get the special treatment of a firstborn and too early to get away with murder so-to-speak, i subconsciously molded myself into any parents' masterpiece: a daughter who led a flawless, carefree life sculpted with the ideals of propriety, intelligence, and felicity. that was the external me. as i continued to live a life of pleasing people, i slowly based my self-worth on what and how others would think of me. i was nice. i was kind. i was submissive. somehow, i allowed myself to be bound to the capricious feelings of people--a weight that was ultimately necessary to be confronted and thrown off. when others were looking at me, when eyes were watching every move i made, i began to question my purpose, my righteousness, and most importantly, my understanding between right and wrong. i yielded to peer pressure to seek acceptance.

college definitely shed some light into my otherwise dependent existence. but lately, i found myself asking and knocking on others' doors for their approval again--not merely for their inputs, but for them to dictate some very personal decisions in my life. i put many outsiders' feelings above those immediately involved (myself included). the irony is that i'm not being generously considerate, but deceivingly selfish. He spoke to my heart and began to tell me: apparently all that concerns me is whether people like me or not. can i not just speak to Him and get no other response? is it not enough to just please Him and no one else? this process has been difficult. i am only beginning to truly understand what it means to let go of that weight in my life...to have that balance. my QT has been telling me so.

it is easy to go on with my own desires, but to listen and to respond and to accommodate can be so difficult, sometimes even frightening. Li inspired me to find that balance last night. =) somehow, even though my talk with Ch scared me somewhat with the uncertainty that loomed ahead, i knew that each and everyone of us had our own walks to follow. i don't know how i can do it, and that is what's frightening. i worry that if He were to tell me to let go when i become an imbalance to someone else's walk, i may not find the strength to. how i can confidently run to His glory requires a great deal of faith...hopefully, things will fall into place when i put them into perspective.