day 16: where are you from? are you vietnamese?
too much information
how DO two strangers meet? well, maybe they're just drawn to each other. it's amazing how friendships blossom...good friends talk about anything--even if it is a conversation between a girl and a guy. that's the nature of bonding and getting to know each other at a deeper level. so to lighten the world of failed health policies, i find myself eating ice cream and chatting online with friends back at home---not that any of this really changes reality. a buddy comes online and tries to encourage me to get an outrageous "asian" haircut. he's a never-sleeping designer. go figure. the last time i went buck-wild with my hair was about 2.5 years ago when i decided to go for a meg ryan cut. i literally went back to the hair salon four times, and well...let's just say, there is no such thing as an asian meg ryan. i think i got a demi moore cut instead. so to really trust another asian hair stylist would take a lot from me. we shall see. then my friend tells me that he has no more underwear...that he's wearing his last pair even though he had gotten a new one just yesterday. and right before he actually gets up to do his laundry, he actually considers wearing it inside out. ewww...too explicit or what?
facing my social phobia
i have always associated eating with a social thing. maybe it's the asian in me who wants to eat with someone even if we're not talking. as most of my friends may remember, one of my phobias is walking into a sit-down restaurant and eating by myself. i had tried to face it when i was in new haven. i tried to avoid that as often as i could, especially when i was backpacking in europe. this created many meals of just bread and cheese. i like to order the food and eat it on the go. i don't want people to stare at me and think why i'm alone. in short, i cared what others thought of me.
being alone in hcmc, i have had several incidences of eating alone already. yay! balloons and streamers for me! the truth is, i am in a stage in my life where i just WANT to eat alone and not be disturbed. i just want to stare outside the street and look at how the native people interact with each other. i want to sit there, journal in my bon-bon diary (courtesy of g*dub), and just think. sometimes i even find myself splurging a bit more on each meal in order to really taste the culture of vietnamese food. i think i'm growing up. =)
so while i was eating alone last night, with the pouring rain keeping me from going home, i saw these two asian men staring back at me. i look at them sternly---without a flicker of smile. the defensive nature in me quickly hardened as i realized that it was dark outside and i had to walk home by myself. after quietly eating my beef noodles and paying the bill, one guy comes and approaches me. he asks to talk to me, and i say, why. after his persistent ways of talking to me, i felt intruded...very much so, from the way he was looking, staring, and talking. i responded with: go away. i found myself bolder and louder in things that i do to protect myself. no, they're not young men who appeared to be backpackers like me. they were grown business men who seemed to be looking for trouble. there are so many gross people like that out here. i remember being in hard rock cafe in thailand and found so many couples of white baldy, big-belly men with thai girls of all ages. it disgusted me. especially with the work that i have been investigating in, no wonder this world can be so corrupted. there are direct or indirect sex workers. then there are pimps who pay these sex workers. then there is HIV/AIDS. the cycle of evils continue.
downward spiral
what is amazing about this trip is that this time around, my purpose is not to travel and be on vacation. i see more than a simple tourist would. i see the daily grind of the people who live there, those who make just enough to support their survival for a day. deformity is such a common thing. out of 10 people, i find a deformity in a stranger that is shouting boldly at me. whether it is the hand, the face, or the body, physical deformity is prevalent and evident. but that is only something i see when i stare outside. that is only something we can "ALL" see. what about the deformity that lives within them, that cannot be seen with the human eye? what about the deformity that stays and dwells within their hearts that i cannot see and can never reach out to? how do they live without faith, without the God that protects me? or am i presumptuous to be feeling this way? maybe they are richer in their lives than i in my thoughts? who gives me that right to think the way i do? the chauvinistic attitude in me...so what if i live in supposedly the "christian" country? what does it mean? what does this all mean?
too much information
how DO two strangers meet? well, maybe they're just drawn to each other. it's amazing how friendships blossom...good friends talk about anything--even if it is a conversation between a girl and a guy. that's the nature of bonding and getting to know each other at a deeper level. so to lighten the world of failed health policies, i find myself eating ice cream and chatting online with friends back at home---not that any of this really changes reality. a buddy comes online and tries to encourage me to get an outrageous "asian" haircut. he's a never-sleeping designer. go figure. the last time i went buck-wild with my hair was about 2.5 years ago when i decided to go for a meg ryan cut. i literally went back to the hair salon four times, and well...let's just say, there is no such thing as an asian meg ryan. i think i got a demi moore cut instead. so to really trust another asian hair stylist would take a lot from me. we shall see. then my friend tells me that he has no more underwear...that he's wearing his last pair even though he had gotten a new one just yesterday. and right before he actually gets up to do his laundry, he actually considers wearing it inside out. ewww...too explicit or what?
facing my social phobia
i have always associated eating with a social thing. maybe it's the asian in me who wants to eat with someone even if we're not talking. as most of my friends may remember, one of my phobias is walking into a sit-down restaurant and eating by myself. i had tried to face it when i was in new haven. i tried to avoid that as often as i could, especially when i was backpacking in europe. this created many meals of just bread and cheese. i like to order the food and eat it on the go. i don't want people to stare at me and think why i'm alone. in short, i cared what others thought of me.
being alone in hcmc, i have had several incidences of eating alone already. yay! balloons and streamers for me! the truth is, i am in a stage in my life where i just WANT to eat alone and not be disturbed. i just want to stare outside the street and look at how the native people interact with each other. i want to sit there, journal in my bon-bon diary (courtesy of g*dub), and just think. sometimes i even find myself splurging a bit more on each meal in order to really taste the culture of vietnamese food. i think i'm growing up. =)
so while i was eating alone last night, with the pouring rain keeping me from going home, i saw these two asian men staring back at me. i look at them sternly---without a flicker of smile. the defensive nature in me quickly hardened as i realized that it was dark outside and i had to walk home by myself. after quietly eating my beef noodles and paying the bill, one guy comes and approaches me. he asks to talk to me, and i say, why. after his persistent ways of talking to me, i felt intruded...very much so, from the way he was looking, staring, and talking. i responded with: go away. i found myself bolder and louder in things that i do to protect myself. no, they're not young men who appeared to be backpackers like me. they were grown business men who seemed to be looking for trouble. there are so many gross people like that out here. i remember being in hard rock cafe in thailand and found so many couples of white baldy, big-belly men with thai girls of all ages. it disgusted me. especially with the work that i have been investigating in, no wonder this world can be so corrupted. there are direct or indirect sex workers. then there are pimps who pay these sex workers. then there is HIV/AIDS. the cycle of evils continue.
downward spiral
what is amazing about this trip is that this time around, my purpose is not to travel and be on vacation. i see more than a simple tourist would. i see the daily grind of the people who live there, those who make just enough to support their survival for a day. deformity is such a common thing. out of 10 people, i find a deformity in a stranger that is shouting boldly at me. whether it is the hand, the face, or the body, physical deformity is prevalent and evident. but that is only something i see when i stare outside. that is only something we can "ALL" see. what about the deformity that lives within them, that cannot be seen with the human eye? what about the deformity that stays and dwells within their hearts that i cannot see and can never reach out to? how do they live without faith, without the God that protects me? or am i presumptuous to be feeling this way? maybe they are richer in their lives than i in my thoughts? who gives me that right to think the way i do? the chauvinistic attitude in me...so what if i live in supposedly the "christian" country? what does it mean? what does this all mean?
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