i walked in late...unfortunately without my cell phone on me (i don't memorize numbers these days), i wasn't able to give them a call. but instead, Jm greeted me with a smile and i walked in shyly, headed towards my chair and sat down. they had just started practicing the first song. my hands were cold and i felt foreign sitting in front of the piano. it's been about a month now since i last played along. due to my current apathetic state, i didn't know if i was up for practicing and playing for thursday night. "this will be interesting," i thought to myself. after about 15 minutes of staring at the others and at the words down on my paper, dC encouraged me to play along..."do whatever" he said.

so i did. in fact, i still "do whatever." but somehow, this time, i didn't feel as nervous as i did before; i was more comfortable with the melody and i was more comfortable with my team. tonight, jY was just fooling around, i thought, doing his own thing...but doing it really well--without a doubt. since they wanted another "piece of instrument" to be played at worship, i offered to "give it a try." omigosh, it looks so much easier than it really is. but somehow, i shed my quiet demeanor, and just carried on with the song. i was nervous with that in my hand; i had to concentrate really hard. i noticed that Fl felt my awkwardness; well, who wouldn't? i was somewhat embarrassed and very self-conscious. but when i looked up at dC, he reassured me with a smile and a nod...i took a breath and continued.

i'm looking forward to thursday again. whether it be in public, in a small team, or by myself, i'm learning to surrender myself. sometimes it feels a little scary...but i still have the words to that one email ringing in the back of my mind and it just makes me feel better...