It's been a while.
but, unfortunately, much will be left unblogged. i feel like i've been hiding myself, so-to-speak, in an effort to figure many things out on my own, to rely on my observations and instincts, to explore my boundaries and limitations as i make decisions, and most importantly, to get to know people better--free from outer influences--and for them to get to know me better at a more personal level. so without blogging the past week, i have, indeed, put my SF world aside and observed from a different angle. it looks rather "different."
i truly appreciate those (friends and family) who have noticed my lack of presence or my lack of "chippiness" as of late and have taken time out to catch up with me--yes, IM counts. =) i feel it in my heart, whether or not that half-smile of mine is barely there. the recent lows have been a distraction for me...that's why i'm taking the time to blog again--to reflect and to draw out conclusions to my why and how questions. as i've said before, it's narrative medicine.
ICE retreat: i was all over the place this past week, both physically and mentally. travelling has taken a toll on me. the ticker on my stress-meter started showing some activity when i was deciding whether or not to go on the ICE retreat two weekends ago. the unfamiliarity in being a high school counselor tensed me up. heck, i can talk, but not give advice! =P i didn't even know the other counselors well, how would i "mix in?" obviously, the self-conscious bon was preoccupying my mind at that time. thanks to several exhanges of emails with mC and later E's decision to go, i found myself tumbling down the slopes of tahoe that weekend. unfortunately, even snowboarding on saturday took major convincing....ugh....me and my stressed mind. i should be punished for my indecision!
inevitably, the late night talks and long day introspections out in the snow gave me plenty of "awake" time to fill my little brain with many unnecessary thoughts--maybe that was the start of my many ponderings. the truth is, i was around a group of highschoolers, some even younger than my lilsis' age, and i was hanging out with them, being silly. the insightful conversations we shared made me realize my lack of attention for my very own little sister. i've always been preoccupied with school, with my goals, and never taking time out to check up on her and her well-being...now i'm 500 miles away from home and i can't even take an active part in her life. so, being around a group of highschoolers made me feel old. the giddy personality each carried made me see ME, but several years ago. the way they respond, the way they ask for attention, the way they can put everything aside and not take responsibility...of course not to say that i'm ms. grown-up now. but at the same time, i notice how i've grown and how much i've changed...even simply from only a few months ago when i graduated from college and moved up to SF. in fact, being down in irvine this past week, a close friend of mine noticed how "i've changed." you're often curious when someone verbalizes that extremely ambiguous statement.
Family: there's nothing better than being open, honest, [and cranky] in front of your parents. there's nothing better than getting encouragements from people who care. there's nothing better than venting out by crying. ....hold on, take all that back....there's nothing better than ice cream. =)
so i was away...away from SF. being on IM during the day and chatting with all sorts of people made me miss the SF community. spending time with my old friends and eating with my relatives made me miss family. where exactly is home for me?
even though i was away, however, i think i learned more about myself and about SF than i originally intended. from phone calls to chats and emails, i played sherlock holmes without a watson. and since i didn't have a sidekick to put things into perspective for me, i should refrain from blogging about it now--to prevent myself from coming across as sounding judgmental. if anything, i value open conversations much more.
again, i did a lot of thinking on my way up. i wanted to make it to latelate and i'm glad i did--about 30 minutes before service. getting so many encouragements and smiles from my friends made me feel nostalgic. despite my extremely tired smile and my apathetic stance, i was indeed happy to be back. i think i've been starving for a hug, that's all.
this week was heavy for me. no need to recap everything, but i cannot help but smile when i think back....
how i appreciate my family, my IM chat with "T" even though it was 1am for her, a 3-way call with p and k, evan-n-jaron's motivation for me to "call," ride to/from service, insightful dinner conversation, dS' advice on PS2, my first blog comment!....ahh...and well, my chocolate....
but, unfortunately, much will be left unblogged. i feel like i've been hiding myself, so-to-speak, in an effort to figure many things out on my own, to rely on my observations and instincts, to explore my boundaries and limitations as i make decisions, and most importantly, to get to know people better--free from outer influences--and for them to get to know me better at a more personal level. so without blogging the past week, i have, indeed, put my SF world aside and observed from a different angle. it looks rather "different."
i truly appreciate those (friends and family) who have noticed my lack of presence or my lack of "chippiness" as of late and have taken time out to catch up with me--yes, IM counts. =) i feel it in my heart, whether or not that half-smile of mine is barely there. the recent lows have been a distraction for me...that's why i'm taking the time to blog again--to reflect and to draw out conclusions to my why and how questions. as i've said before, it's narrative medicine.
ICE retreat: i was all over the place this past week, both physically and mentally. travelling has taken a toll on me. the ticker on my stress-meter started showing some activity when i was deciding whether or not to go on the ICE retreat two weekends ago. the unfamiliarity in being a high school counselor tensed me up. heck, i can talk, but not give advice! =P i didn't even know the other counselors well, how would i "mix in?" obviously, the self-conscious bon was preoccupying my mind at that time. thanks to several exhanges of emails with mC and later E's decision to go, i found myself tumbling down the slopes of tahoe that weekend. unfortunately, even snowboarding on saturday took major convincing....ugh....me and my stressed mind. i should be punished for my indecision!
inevitably, the late night talks and long day introspections out in the snow gave me plenty of "awake" time to fill my little brain with many unnecessary thoughts--maybe that was the start of my many ponderings. the truth is, i was around a group of highschoolers, some even younger than my lilsis' age, and i was hanging out with them, being silly. the insightful conversations we shared made me realize my lack of attention for my very own little sister. i've always been preoccupied with school, with my goals, and never taking time out to check up on her and her well-being...now i'm 500 miles away from home and i can't even take an active part in her life. so, being around a group of highschoolers made me feel old. the giddy personality each carried made me see ME, but several years ago. the way they respond, the way they ask for attention, the way they can put everything aside and not take responsibility...of course not to say that i'm ms. grown-up now. but at the same time, i notice how i've grown and how much i've changed...even simply from only a few months ago when i graduated from college and moved up to SF. in fact, being down in irvine this past week, a close friend of mine noticed how "i've changed." you're often curious when someone verbalizes that extremely ambiguous statement.
Family: there's nothing better than being open, honest, [and cranky] in front of your parents. there's nothing better than getting encouragements from people who care. there's nothing better than venting out by crying. ....hold on, take all that back....there's nothing better than ice cream. =)
so i was away...away from SF. being on IM during the day and chatting with all sorts of people made me miss the SF community. spending time with my old friends and eating with my relatives made me miss family. where exactly is home for me?
even though i was away, however, i think i learned more about myself and about SF than i originally intended. from phone calls to chats and emails, i played sherlock holmes without a watson. and since i didn't have a sidekick to put things into perspective for me, i should refrain from blogging about it now--to prevent myself from coming across as sounding judgmental. if anything, i value open conversations much more.
again, i did a lot of thinking on my way up. i wanted to make it to latelate and i'm glad i did--about 30 minutes before service. getting so many encouragements and smiles from my friends made me feel nostalgic. despite my extremely tired smile and my apathetic stance, i was indeed happy to be back. i think i've been starving for a hug, that's all.
this week was heavy for me. no need to recap everything, but i cannot help but smile when i think back....
how i appreciate my family, my IM chat with "T" even though it was 1am for her, a 3-way call with p and k, evan-n-jaron's motivation for me to "call," ride to/from service, insightful dinner conversation, dS' advice on PS2, my first blog comment!....ahh...and well, my chocolate....
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