Missing my mother.

Then: Arguments between my parents and me always seemed to stem from the same place. I was disobedient, rude, and of course, not like my perfect ijk cousins. I made careless mistakes on a science exam. I didn't practice piano long enough. Or I was simply immature, unthankful for their efforts. My parents lectured me, and I remember their grievances well. They would say: You don't know how fortunate you are. When we were your age, we never had [fill in the blank]. There are things in life you just have to accept---you just have to do without complaining---because life isn't about what you WHAT, it's about sacrifice. As long as you're living under our roof, you follow our rules. And the kicker, the bottom line that closed any topic, no matter what, was, "Everything we do--everything we've EVER done--has been for you."

After hearing their side of the story, my responses always sounded somewhat frail, foolish, even if I was a drama queen and delivered a good tearjerker every now and then. I challenged every word that fell from their lips and, although I'm ashamed to admit it, I copped a disrespectful attitude in our conversations, something I regret to this day and cannot erase. Of course my winning line was, "Nothing I do is ever good enough for you."

Now: The first person i'm most comfortable in being impatient at is my mother. She hears every word i say and feels every move i make. i know i don't need to tell her, but she knows when i'm frustrated. On the phone yesterday, with her incessant reminders, i became easily peeved. Being at work, i couldn't raise my voice, nor should i have since it was not her fault for my sulky attitude. But feeling so grumpy after getting off the phone with her, i felt really bad the rest of the day. i wanted to call her up and apologize right away, but work was overloading my shoulders and the normally unspoken "i love yous and i miss yous" may have sounded strange. the truth was, things that worried me have also made me feel as if i was disappointing my parents, as if i was not trying my best. i was indeed missing her.

I called her last night to "check-in" again. Unfortunately, my stomach was playing games on me, and i may have worried her. i know she understands that i'm going through a few different hurdles in life, and well, maybe i'm just in need of a hug.

As i've gotten older, my perspectives change. the way i see my parents, my siblings, and my other relatives has been transformed as i come into my independence. As i've moved from sweden to dc to sf, i slowly discovered that my parents and i have been on the same side after all. since i've been on my own for the very first time from college, my sheltered home environment of my youth has existed as more than nostalgic memories; distance has become a catalyst in creating new depth to my relationships.