i was breathing deeply; you could almost hear the sound of my heart beating. everywhere i looked, i saw a pair of eyes looking straight at me. my fingers were cold, my palms were clammy, and my neck was tense. there was definite anticipation in the room. with the dimly lit candle-like lights in the living room, i barely noticed others' excitement or anxiousness. maybe it was just me. maybe i was the only one nervous.
so i've never done this before. i mean, sure, i've been classically trained since i learned how to use my right brain, but my teacher/professor (from Chapman Univ) never taught me "music theory." i just learned and played.
when i approached DC re: my interest in joining worship, i didn't really know what i was getting myself into. it was merely an interest, really. i didn't think it'd be such a big deal; i didn't even know if i'd go through with it. being the self-conscious "perfectionist" that i am, i sometimes find it difficult to be any less than what i expect from myself--especially in front of other people. i mean, i felt like...okay, this is what i want to do, this is what i can do, sure...i do it! but obviously, i forgot that there's only a handful of worship songs i know, and there's a "team" i would have to synchronize with. to top it all off, i haven't really touched the keys since...um...sophomore year of college? so without any understanding of improvisation, i think i jumped the gun this time.
i got a quick prep from AA...just to know what chords i should be playing. but two nights ago, during worship practice, i felt it...the challenge, the anxiety, the nervous tension that swept all over me. i felt somewhat stressed out, in fact. before we all started, DC asked if there were any songs we were not familiar with. i looked at him, and he knew what i was thinking. he kindly reassured "us" and proceeded. i don't know what i was doing, really. i was just playing the rhythm, nothing fancy, nothing that seemed to really contribute to the team. but as we moved on throughout the nite, i'd look up, catch a glance of MC who was directly in front of me and tensely looked back down onto my keyboard. JY would guide me along, he'd whisper....C, D, E, accentuating where and when for me to play the chords. so it being my first time on worship, first time playing keyboard as accompaniment, first time on improvisation....i'd have to say that it wasn't completely fruitless. the more i played, the more i was inspired by the others. the self-taught JY was an incredible musician. i could have just sat there and listened...but it was nice that i wasn't just sitting there either.
i guess what really got to me was the fact that most of these songs on this list were some of the VERY first songs i listened to when i first went to newsong down in irvine (when i first explored christianity). they were songs that really touched me and got to me at that time; i remember singing and crying while thinking about my grandparents. it was awe-inspiring to listen again, as if i was in that sanctuary again, as if i was reliving that moment when i truly felt like He was talking to me. going through some rough times about a year ago, i went and sang along at newsong, only to find myself believing and relying on faith--i remembered how i felt like His hand was on my shoulder, reassuring me. monday nite, i felt like He was also telling me to use my adrenalin, my pressure, to challenge myself and make music that would glorify Him. and with that in mind (along with many encouraging IM messages...), i began to experiment a little bit more. okay, so maybe my chord transitions still need work (A LOT OF IT), but from all the previous intimidation, i think i've gotten over the idea of perfecting myself, but more so to do worship. now i know it takes hard work, and hearing, seeing, and believing in MC, WW, DC, JY, JM, and flew, i can say that they've motivated me tremendously.
when everyone left, i stayed another two hours to improvise with JY and DC. i was being free. i was letting go. i was allowing the worship music to guide me. i was smiling. when DS popped out to listen, i could hardly contain my excitement.
this has been a true inspiration. i've been challenged. i've been humbled.
but i cannot wait to try again. i cannot wait to use music to express what this team has had in mind all along...
so i've never done this before. i mean, sure, i've been classically trained since i learned how to use my right brain, but my teacher/professor (from Chapman Univ) never taught me "music theory." i just learned and played.
when i approached DC re: my interest in joining worship, i didn't really know what i was getting myself into. it was merely an interest, really. i didn't think it'd be such a big deal; i didn't even know if i'd go through with it. being the self-conscious "perfectionist" that i am, i sometimes find it difficult to be any less than what i expect from myself--especially in front of other people. i mean, i felt like...okay, this is what i want to do, this is what i can do, sure...i do it! but obviously, i forgot that there's only a handful of worship songs i know, and there's a "team" i would have to synchronize with. to top it all off, i haven't really touched the keys since...um...sophomore year of college? so without any understanding of improvisation, i think i jumped the gun this time.
i got a quick prep from AA...just to know what chords i should be playing. but two nights ago, during worship practice, i felt it...the challenge, the anxiety, the nervous tension that swept all over me. i felt somewhat stressed out, in fact. before we all started, DC asked if there were any songs we were not familiar with. i looked at him, and he knew what i was thinking. he kindly reassured "us" and proceeded. i don't know what i was doing, really. i was just playing the rhythm, nothing fancy, nothing that seemed to really contribute to the team. but as we moved on throughout the nite, i'd look up, catch a glance of MC who was directly in front of me and tensely looked back down onto my keyboard. JY would guide me along, he'd whisper....C, D, E, accentuating where and when for me to play the chords. so it being my first time on worship, first time playing keyboard as accompaniment, first time on improvisation....i'd have to say that it wasn't completely fruitless. the more i played, the more i was inspired by the others. the self-taught JY was an incredible musician. i could have just sat there and listened...but it was nice that i wasn't just sitting there either.
i guess what really got to me was the fact that most of these songs on this list were some of the VERY first songs i listened to when i first went to newsong down in irvine (when i first explored christianity). they were songs that really touched me and got to me at that time; i remember singing and crying while thinking about my grandparents. it was awe-inspiring to listen again, as if i was in that sanctuary again, as if i was reliving that moment when i truly felt like He was talking to me. going through some rough times about a year ago, i went and sang along at newsong, only to find myself believing and relying on faith--i remembered how i felt like His hand was on my shoulder, reassuring me. monday nite, i felt like He was also telling me to use my adrenalin, my pressure, to challenge myself and make music that would glorify Him. and with that in mind (along with many encouraging IM messages...), i began to experiment a little bit more. okay, so maybe my chord transitions still need work (A LOT OF IT), but from all the previous intimidation, i think i've gotten over the idea of perfecting myself, but more so to do worship. now i know it takes hard work, and hearing, seeing, and believing in MC, WW, DC, JY, JM, and flew, i can say that they've motivated me tremendously.
when everyone left, i stayed another two hours to improvise with JY and DC. i was being free. i was letting go. i was allowing the worship music to guide me. i was smiling. when DS popped out to listen, i could hardly contain my excitement.
this has been a true inspiration. i've been challenged. i've been humbled.
but i cannot wait to try again. i cannot wait to use music to express what this team has had in mind all along...
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home