Yet Another Day.
just as how i dreaded my return to SF at the beginning of this year, i dreaded the arrival of the overrated day of hallmark cards and see's chocolate hearts as well (though i'd prefer godiva any day...[um...maybe only if it's not real belgian chocolate]...HINT HINT). just yet another day, it somehow instigates a wide range of emotions--whether it be happy or sad, passionate or bitter, content or indifferent. from emails to phone calls to even girl-talk, i sense the different reactions that one might respond to such a day. some want to talk about it, some choose not to blog about it, some try to shrug it off as no-big-deal but secretly wish for that special someone. without a doubt, it's a touchy topic. afterall, we all have feelings and emotions, and while we may be savage beasts on a regular day, the nostalgia of being loved, of having been loved, seems to capture our hearts and allow our sensitivity to surface, male and female included. i must say that i've gone through 22 blah, no-date, february fourteenths with a bit of indifference, resentment, and curiosity (of course). i'd be lying if i said that the "omigosh, look-how-happy-she-is" cynicism never crossed my mind on days like that. this year, i woke up, popped a i-have-no-idea-what-songs-are-on-this-burnt-CD (oops! is that illegal?) into my clock radio and started my day. it was different. it was unlike any other year...
the first song that came on was old-skool "play that funky music." i found myself getting out of the shower and boogying to the beat; thankfully, no one was watching. "independent women" came on a few songs later...and i chuckled while i sang along with it. thoughts about the previous two days crossed my mind, starting from the pleasant new years' dinner to my experience at CityTeam, both of which i should blog about later. i also thought about the day prior to vday when i unexpectedly found a carepackage beside my doorstep coming home from a long tiring day at work. "uncertainty" was not helping the monotony of everday life either. it was rainy and gloomy, and seeing a 1-800-flowers.com box came real close in bringing out that cynicism in me. i thought...ugh, love is evading from every corner! while normally i wouldn't care, this time, i was curious who was lucky that day. i looked carefully, and alas! it was my name! whoa! what is this? how did this came to be? without any expectations, i took the box inside, along with groceries, dropped everything down, and pranced around looking for scissors. i was excited. i didn't know who, i didn't know what, all i knew was, i was getting flowers. this was a first for me. the most miraculous feeling was that i wasn't asking who or why in my heart. i was just happy. without any dates for 2/14, i wasn't anticipating any one person in particular, i wasn't hoping for a specific someone...simply no expectations. i opened the package, found a bunch of spray roses (those you find in a european market) tied together nicely. unfortunately, i had to take off for CityTeam, so i quickly placed the roses in a vase and hopped into my boat for downtown.
CityTeam provoked a somewhat familiar feeling in me that had been in the back burner for a while. helping the homeless in person, talking to them, having personal contact all reminded me how nerving it could be. it is easy to say and do nice things when you don't have direct contact. but when a homeless stranger came up to me, hugged me, and complimented me, a feeling of uneasiness swept over me. i was afraid. in fact, i almost wanted to tell him that i had other duties, just so that i could get away. i didn't feel comfortable having someone "follow" me around and accepting compliments from people like them. but the fear was good. the fear only reminded me how open i should be, how much love i should return, how God blessed me with so many gifts everyday while they lacked in their lifetime. by the end of my somewhat superficial conversation with this clingy stranger, i was able to openly accept his second hug. i turned around feeling at peace with myself. i left CT feeling happy, excited that i have a heart--maybe not the biggest one, but definitely a real genuine heart. my service was short; i hopped back into my boat and headed home. all of a sudden, i started crying. no, it wasn't a little wimper or a tear sliding from the corner of my eye. i was really crying.
i was overjoyed to find myself so loved, so blessed, so lucky. i called my parents to tell them how happy i was to be receiving flowers from who-knows-who, to be able to witness the kindred spirit from these otherwise deprecated individuals, to be able to know that everywhere i turned, there WAS love in the air. the juxtaposition of my past two weeks (happy-sad-happy-sad-happy-sad) has definitely been tiring. but without feeling the awfully low lows, i would not understand the highs. i came home...settled down, and alas, FINALLY found the little card message from the flower box.
i thank Him for my 10+-years-friendship with 6-foot--a hs friend who has been with me thru thick and thin. over the years, i think 6-foot has heard me whine tremendously about vday, and this year, he has been extremely thoughtful to watch out and care for me all the way from long island, knowing very well that i've been rather stressed out lately. it's friendships like these that make me grow and mature in believing that wherever i may be, He sends people into my life to bless me as His child. i thank Him for my wonderful time in SF--the people i've been influenced by and the people i've come to influence. i thank Him for the ecards, the little notes, the little gestures i've been receiving all this time. gosh, this sounds more like thanksgiving! maybe every day should be a day of giving thanks! the truth is, this was my first valentine's day where not even one bitter, cynical thought crossed my mind. those who are close to me would predict that this would be one of my most difficult vdays to pass, and i would say so myself...it's not the flowers, it's not working at CT, but alas, it's the spiritual maturity...i've grown to understand myself tremendously.
i write this not to be boastful, not to instigate questions or remarks, but to be honest and true to my heart. a conviction that is unusual and foreign. i was scared. heck, i still am. i don't know how to blog my thoughts down when i'm in state of internal conflict with so many other preoccupations. what would my christian and non-christian friends think? i was driving to work this morning, asking why? how did this happen? spiritual well-being is such an intangible concept...how can a "scientist" like me comprehend this fact? where is this peace of mind coming from? it doesn't answer my questions re: what i'll be doing in the future, who i'll be marrying, how i'll be living my life...i still worry. this is by no means a replacement of my doubts re: my future, my life, my family. but one thing i came to believe is that i am loved by God and loved by all those whom He has brought to me. sure there are moments when i get mad, ask why me?, question faith; everyday i struggle with a little bit of that. but...i'm still a lucky girl.
i started the vday evening by shooting hoops for a few minutes in the back of the church. then, flew invited me to the prayer meeting, which i'm really thankful for. i wanted to practice bball, but i'm glad i got to pray a little for other people. i had no prayer requests for myself, (i do, but didn't want/know how to share), and it made me feel better to serve other people. then lumps took place. the topic was on relationships with cyn and pastor jon speaking to all of us. in a somewhat informal setting, i learned more and asked more questions than most. okay okay, so i AM a talker. curiosity, i tell ya. what i learned last night, the conversations i had afterwards with other brothers and sisters, all made me realize that the guys and girls have VERY different concerns and approaches to relationships. call/IM if you want my insights. lg fellowship was educational.
it wasn't just yet another day.
so i got a ride home, made myself dinner at 11pm, and called my parents to wish them a happy valentine's day. they asked why the sudden phone call, and why so late...sheesh, where's the love? j.k. i love them dearly. and this vday only made me realize it more. while drinking my midnight soup, i popped the CD back on, listened to bon jovi's "thank you for loving me" and did my little dance. hey, like i always said: dance like no one is watching, love like you'll never get hurt....
just as how i dreaded my return to SF at the beginning of this year, i dreaded the arrival of the overrated day of hallmark cards and see's chocolate hearts as well (though i'd prefer godiva any day...[um...maybe only if it's not real belgian chocolate]...HINT HINT). just yet another day, it somehow instigates a wide range of emotions--whether it be happy or sad, passionate or bitter, content or indifferent. from emails to phone calls to even girl-talk, i sense the different reactions that one might respond to such a day. some want to talk about it, some choose not to blog about it, some try to shrug it off as no-big-deal but secretly wish for that special someone. without a doubt, it's a touchy topic. afterall, we all have feelings and emotions, and while we may be savage beasts on a regular day, the nostalgia of being loved, of having been loved, seems to capture our hearts and allow our sensitivity to surface, male and female included. i must say that i've gone through 22 blah, no-date, february fourteenths with a bit of indifference, resentment, and curiosity (of course). i'd be lying if i said that the "omigosh, look-how-happy-she-is" cynicism never crossed my mind on days like that. this year, i woke up, popped a i-have-no-idea-what-songs-are-on-this-burnt-CD (oops! is that illegal?) into my clock radio and started my day. it was different. it was unlike any other year...
the first song that came on was old-skool "play that funky music." i found myself getting out of the shower and boogying to the beat; thankfully, no one was watching. "independent women" came on a few songs later...and i chuckled while i sang along with it. thoughts about the previous two days crossed my mind, starting from the pleasant new years' dinner to my experience at CityTeam, both of which i should blog about later. i also thought about the day prior to vday when i unexpectedly found a carepackage beside my doorstep coming home from a long tiring day at work. "uncertainty" was not helping the monotony of everday life either. it was rainy and gloomy, and seeing a 1-800-flowers.com box came real close in bringing out that cynicism in me. i thought...ugh, love is evading from every corner! while normally i wouldn't care, this time, i was curious who was lucky that day. i looked carefully, and alas! it was my name! whoa! what is this? how did this came to be? without any expectations, i took the box inside, along with groceries, dropped everything down, and pranced around looking for scissors. i was excited. i didn't know who, i didn't know what, all i knew was, i was getting flowers. this was a first for me. the most miraculous feeling was that i wasn't asking who or why in my heart. i was just happy. without any dates for 2/14, i wasn't anticipating any one person in particular, i wasn't hoping for a specific someone...simply no expectations. i opened the package, found a bunch of spray roses (those you find in a european market) tied together nicely. unfortunately, i had to take off for CityTeam, so i quickly placed the roses in a vase and hopped into my boat for downtown.
CityTeam provoked a somewhat familiar feeling in me that had been in the back burner for a while. helping the homeless in person, talking to them, having personal contact all reminded me how nerving it could be. it is easy to say and do nice things when you don't have direct contact. but when a homeless stranger came up to me, hugged me, and complimented me, a feeling of uneasiness swept over me. i was afraid. in fact, i almost wanted to tell him that i had other duties, just so that i could get away. i didn't feel comfortable having someone "follow" me around and accepting compliments from people like them. but the fear was good. the fear only reminded me how open i should be, how much love i should return, how God blessed me with so many gifts everyday while they lacked in their lifetime. by the end of my somewhat superficial conversation with this clingy stranger, i was able to openly accept his second hug. i turned around feeling at peace with myself. i left CT feeling happy, excited that i have a heart--maybe not the biggest one, but definitely a real genuine heart. my service was short; i hopped back into my boat and headed home. all of a sudden, i started crying. no, it wasn't a little wimper or a tear sliding from the corner of my eye. i was really crying.
i was overjoyed to find myself so loved, so blessed, so lucky. i called my parents to tell them how happy i was to be receiving flowers from who-knows-who, to be able to witness the kindred spirit from these otherwise deprecated individuals, to be able to know that everywhere i turned, there WAS love in the air. the juxtaposition of my past two weeks (happy-sad-happy-sad-happy-sad) has definitely been tiring. but without feeling the awfully low lows, i would not understand the highs. i came home...settled down, and alas, FINALLY found the little card message from the flower box.
i thank Him for my 10+-years-friendship with 6-foot--a hs friend who has been with me thru thick and thin. over the years, i think 6-foot has heard me whine tremendously about vday, and this year, he has been extremely thoughtful to watch out and care for me all the way from long island, knowing very well that i've been rather stressed out lately. it's friendships like these that make me grow and mature in believing that wherever i may be, He sends people into my life to bless me as His child. i thank Him for my wonderful time in SF--the people i've been influenced by and the people i've come to influence. i thank Him for the ecards, the little notes, the little gestures i've been receiving all this time. gosh, this sounds more like thanksgiving! maybe every day should be a day of giving thanks! the truth is, this was my first valentine's day where not even one bitter, cynical thought crossed my mind. those who are close to me would predict that this would be one of my most difficult vdays to pass, and i would say so myself...it's not the flowers, it's not working at CT, but alas, it's the spiritual maturity...i've grown to understand myself tremendously.
i write this not to be boastful, not to instigate questions or remarks, but to be honest and true to my heart. a conviction that is unusual and foreign. i was scared. heck, i still am. i don't know how to blog my thoughts down when i'm in state of internal conflict with so many other preoccupations. what would my christian and non-christian friends think? i was driving to work this morning, asking why? how did this happen? spiritual well-being is such an intangible concept...how can a "scientist" like me comprehend this fact? where is this peace of mind coming from? it doesn't answer my questions re: what i'll be doing in the future, who i'll be marrying, how i'll be living my life...i still worry. this is by no means a replacement of my doubts re: my future, my life, my family. but one thing i came to believe is that i am loved by God and loved by all those whom He has brought to me. sure there are moments when i get mad, ask why me?, question faith; everyday i struggle with a little bit of that. but...i'm still a lucky girl.
i started the vday evening by shooting hoops for a few minutes in the back of the church. then, flew invited me to the prayer meeting, which i'm really thankful for. i wanted to practice bball, but i'm glad i got to pray a little for other people. i had no prayer requests for myself, (i do, but didn't want/know how to share), and it made me feel better to serve other people. then lumps took place. the topic was on relationships with cyn and pastor jon speaking to all of us. in a somewhat informal setting, i learned more and asked more questions than most. okay okay, so i AM a talker. curiosity, i tell ya. what i learned last night, the conversations i had afterwards with other brothers and sisters, all made me realize that the guys and girls have VERY different concerns and approaches to relationships. call/IM if you want my insights. lg fellowship was educational.
it wasn't just yet another day.
so i got a ride home, made myself dinner at 11pm, and called my parents to wish them a happy valentine's day. they asked why the sudden phone call, and why so late...sheesh, where's the love? j.k. i love them dearly. and this vday only made me realize it more. while drinking my midnight soup, i popped the CD back on, listened to bon jovi's "thank you for loving me" and did my little dance. hey, like i always said: dance like no one is watching, love like you'll never get hurt....
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