Jitters are coming.
as the time ticks on day by day, i find myself growing more and more anxious. it feels weird. is it about my departure? is it about my family and california? is it about the people who may or may NOT be in my life a year from now? will friendships end? the rambunctious bonnyth seems to have quieted down in an unusual, yet not unnatural, demeanor. feelings are kept silent. emotions are not expressed. definitely constipated with thoughts....constipated with anxiety and tension. but according to a Particularly Objective Brother, he'd rather be constipated with anxiety and tension than to have diarrhea with anxiety and tension. so even at such an ungodly hour with such overwhelming thoughts, she still manages to give off a chuckle. it must be recycled wit that lingers in cyberspace even after normal hours.

she stares in front of her computer screen, wanting to find some inspiration to begin her heartfelt concerns. it's always better to get it out...to process rather than to suppress. are they bad? no, not really. but they are keeping her up from catching beauty rest. are they good? worried is not the right word. anxious....anxious for the things that He has in store for her. what if faith ends up running dry? somehow He has the ability to restore. her lips are open, but words cannot be heard. there is no window of opportunity to open up. she has so many questions....will she be missed? will she adjust as well as she did in san francisco? will she find herself cultivating the seeds that she has planted this past year? or will she be forgotten? will she find it difficult the first three months? will she move away from her comfort zone and begin a new niche? what if she quits? words begin, but nothing new. thoughts that clutter her mind aren't sharp, but they create blatant creases that cannot be erased, cannot be forgotten before the night is over. comforting words cry out to her...but her stubborn mind cannot be penetrated with more thoughts. sacrifices---some must be made for new adventures to blossom. but how to choose? can she choose? does she choose? no. how much effort can she put in to make it work? or maybe no effort and see where the steering wheel goes? motivation for school. motivation for God. motivation for nothing else. why? she takes a step. but no response. well maybe vaguely, but definitely not clear and not convincing enough now that her mind is dense, so dense. her expectations are human responses. she sits. she waits...we shall see, she thinks...yes, we shall see...to be continued....