day 26: spoiled
saturday was a day spent hanging out with my godmother. she treats me like i'm her own daughter, with the freedom to do anything. yeah, i sound pretty spoiled, i know. it's because i am. i'm extremely grateful that i can get the attention that other people dream about and i often question why God has given me this gift of connecting with people in that way. i am blessed, without a doubt. we all have special gifts in us that make us who we are. while i know what i'm good at, i really want to figure out how i can be the best testimony to those around me. with the overwhelming thoughts that i have within the past few days, i'm beginning to wonder how i can be a better person period. it's great to know that i can share my happiness with my friends and family, but at the same time, those inner pins and needles that tug away and make me doubt, make me question what's God's purpose.
what is His purpose for me?
i have grown up a lot since i left the states. the talks i've shared with people have been liberating and stimulating at the same time. they are at no means the answers to my questions of course. but during this growth process, i have found out one thing about myself: the inability to let go. i've spoken and written about letting things go. knowing that there are unique "gifts" that i am blessed with, i cannot give them up unless God were to take them all away. i am so ashamed to admit that---to admit it to myself that unless He took it away forcefully, i may not offer it up freely. i am one of the riches people i know (not in the monetary sense), and yet, i am so greedy of these riches. i want to keep it and just save it, treasure it, and store it as my winning trophies that i've "supposedly earned," or so i think. my dependence on this greed gnaws away in my mind as i try to set myself free. how CAN i surrender this to God? how can i give up certain things that make me smile? maybe because my focus is not on His love...and you'd think...after spending x days abroad, alone, my understanding of His love would be purer.
i still have a long way to walk...
