M had said, would you rather go alone?

testing my patience.

i have exactly one week before i take off and board the plane to BKK. when i first purchased my ticket, i was thrilled, yet anxious, in anticipating the potential hurdles I may encounter. so a brother encourages me to send out a prayer letter because i know, truthfully, that somehow, when everything is gone, when nothing is left, i can only rely on one thing: faith. thus, i write and compile something that is as novel of an idea to me as meeting and speaking with trans. maybe it is believing in the impossible, but somehow, it is not as easy as i have always imagined. of course, those who have responded have reassured me that i will be ok. so i proceed with a smile.

now i sit here, shaking and completely speechless---when i realize that my plans have fumbled. my contacts in BKK have fallen through as of this morning. what am i going to do now? no, i'm still going. fortunately or unfortunately, i cannot turn back but to proceed and find my own contacts and ask for help again. it is irony that for someone who has always wanted to do everything on her own, to be ms. independent and in-control, i am asking for a lot of assistance throughout this whole process. i ask for prayers. i ask for contacts. i ask. and while my words can never express my gratitude for the love of Him and all my friends, just know that i still proceed with a smile.

the magical snow.

a dress was fedex to me. my gloves were sent as well. open-toe strappy black sandals? or pearly white slippers? little curls all around, with just a touch of make-up to look "dressed-up" but natural. there's something amazing about being a girl and going through the excitement of "dressing for the ball." i felt like i was going to prom all over again.

i had more than one fairy godmother. on a low measly budget, with limited resources of bobby-pins and black hairbands...my girlfriends all took part in my rustic-romantic hairdo that turned out to be quite extravagant. i had told them...whatever i cannot see, it really doesn't matter what it looks like. mtc should definitely open a hair salon, because i said...this is what i want, this is what i don't want...and boom! she waved her wand...and it was done. i think this was one of those nights that i had very little expectation of, and for that reason alone, it turned out to be a great time to relax from a stressful week of midterms and papers.

when i walked into the ballroom...with the two-story high ceiling with windows stretching from the bottom up, i felt like cinderella--the way she was peering into the ballroom in awe. it was magical. the soft snow gently tapping onto the rooftops and down onto the ground added to the magical romance that nite. something about this room, the atmosphere, the people around...made me feel like...a girl in a fairytale...in search of something---maybe a "happily ever after" ending. although i don't think i really found "that" that nite, it somehow took away the "less" from the word hopeless and filled it with a bit of idealism and passion. yes,...that's what i've been looking for. i feel like i've left my heart in a somewhat precarious position, just to say, i can be a hopeful romantic. the ability to suspend myself in disbelief...a momentary exit from reality to surrender myself to a world of idealism...that in itself has its warning lights flashing...

Quite the blessed IM conversation.
that's the subject line of the email D sent me after our hour-long chat through IM. it was a testimony in itself. little words can describe this feeling i'm having right now...feeling of completeness and wholeness, as if all of a sudden, God has filled my cup completely again. i wish i could blog what is spoken in my heart, though i know my words would not do it justice. somehow, he shed light into the inadequacies of my seemingly insignficant SELFISH existence of me. the empowerment of his wise words break me to the ground. He delivers. yes, He definitely does.

after catching up with S and being encouraged by D, i realized that maybe He is tag-teaming. He sends K, she comes back, and now He sends me. Slowly, but surely, i'm getting excited about the whole thing. although it may not be an official missions trip, D tells me that i'm doing missionary work; the trip that i was supposed to take last year might finally happen. but more importantly, how i have been encouraged by other brothers and sisters have strengthened my spirit. how can i bless others? maybe it's time for me to be an encouragement for S as well. go, D says. just go. don't worry about finances, just go.

a powerful conversation that continues to shake me still.....and off i go....


Spontaneous road trip.
I rarely find time to be at home nowadays. It must have started back in the Sweden days when I yearned for the opportunity to see the world. I did. I came back. And I left again. I somehow found the means to continue this cycle of freedom, not asking my parents for a single dime. Now if they offered me spare change, which they did of course, kudos to them. I brought back independence, strong-will, and a sense of adventure—added to that were extra servings of passion and curiosity. Thankfully such led to the love of Him.

He led me home the past two days. I had planned on going for a while, but it wasn’t until I found myself a chauffeur, which solidified my plans the very last minute. =) Driving up and down the west coast within two days would be too much for me, otherwise. i surprised my sister. it was very very nice. as she was walking out with her class, i was standing by the gate, screaming and shouting her name. she looks over, squinting her eyes, recognizes the familiar face, and sparkles at the presence of me standing her. somehow, i noticed her sincere smile as well. both of us almost wanted to cry. as minor as it may seem, it was THE highlight of the whole trip. i wanted to be there to see her..and i did.

E explained to me that sometimes making a wrong decision is better than not making any decision. so the story begins with the guy sitting on the fence. he contemplates, should i believe in God or Satan? he waits for three more days....and decides that he will not be able to make such a decision at this point in time. God says, that's fine....Satan chuckles and says, the fence is mine.

36+ hours. down and up. averaging at about 95. geez, i don't know if i can do that again. =)


All grown up.
I finally took public transportation around downtown, in some of the most random, yet sketchy places. I almost didn't know how to get onto the bus when a crazy lady blocked my path in front. And then, i go in, see a really different world...one that is probably 180 of what "I" stand for. maybe it was just a little too explicit. i'm from the sheltered city, remember? sometimes it is important to walk out of my comfort zone, sweat a little, and try to get to know those who are different, who are not like me. i walked into the room, definitely feeling the pressure of trying to understand, stressed about what i was really doing my masters thesis on. what have i gotten myself into? for those who know me, researching on HIV/AIDS policy might be one thing, but interviewing about female sex workers? MSM? TSM? an eye opening experience that just might change my attitude about how lucky i AM once again....

as C cleverly says: "welcome to the city you live in..."

he's a piece of work, our tom. he's not exactly a pretty boy, but there's something about his spirit--wit, charm, energy, and an often comical inventiveness. given a break or two, he could have become, you imagine, one of those rough-hewn entrepreneurs whose rags-to-riches stories go enliven capitalism's history. maybe it's his devilish nerve, as well as one's feelings of foreboding on his behalf. As one delves deeper into his life of crime, a sense of curiosity abrews. we sense that, smart and daring though he is, he will not be able to resist his own heedlessness. those violent flashes of temper wipe all clever calculations out of his brain.

a lonely lad standing on an empty shore, complete in ponderous thoughts, jack finds himself superior to the underlings of the city. wise and intelligent through his words, he somehow manages to stand out among the crowd of those already far and few between. yet, in his conscious efforts of mixing in, so-to-speak, he cannot--with the pride- and boastful nature of someone who holds himself in such esteem. with the ability to accomplish most, if not all, things he wants to do in life, he takes upon any challenge he sees, only to realize there is something behind his stubbornness to acknowledge defeat.

the story begins with a dare--a dare to prove which has the greater ability to see ahead, far into the distance, tiny words of wisdom. this banner will sit at the top of archway of the clock tower overlooking the whole city. the night before the banner is revealed for the whole public to see, both tom and jack independently sneak into the secret chambers of hidden treasures, to uncover the words beforehand. their plans, hoping to solve the mystery prior, will bring them more prestige if they succeed. their boastful and confident natures obviously refuse to submit themselves into a four-eyed world, even if need be.

so the next day comes, and all gather together to witness the opening of this banner and the "vision" competition of tom and jack. tom utters the words of wisdom. jack laughs and says: ha! i even know the smaller words, of when and where they were written on the bottom right hand corner.

the public falls into mass hysteria. it is ironic that both can assert their words with confidence when clearly 1) the sheet that covers the frame has not yet been lifted and 2) the words on the banner have actually been changed last minute. sadly enough, both are caught in deceit. tom and jack run sheepishly away, only to return to the city weeks later--humbled--each with a brand new pair of glasses.

-----

perception
in a simplified version, i randomly revisit the children's book i created back in seventh grade. through the binoculars of humility, some things are no longer what they've appeared to be.

If ignorance is a bliss,
then expectations should be dismissed.
If ideality is inspiring,
Then reality should be transpiring.

as much as i miss those days when "fun" has always existed in my daily vocabulary, i smile at the prospects of sitting still and filling my cup once again. the power of songs is forceful. it has been a while since i last wanted to pray together with other fellow brothers and sisters. i see the reflection on the window in my office of my fingers typing away on this keyboard as i ponder away the purpose of me being where i'm at and interacting with those in life.

C and E challenge my thoughts as they share with me the juxtaposition of love and pride. J's explanation delves deeper as he relates faith with love, opposite of pride (the first sin). this metaphor instantly strikes a chord in me and questions my motive for the things i do and the prayers i request for. unknowingly, i find the answer of my being.

"sometimes coming head to head with all the insecurities and areas to be improved upon results in a sort of freedom because of who we are in Christ. because of Him we have limitless potential, and all the flaws that we identify can be diminished in the light of knowing Him." she explains. so i heed her advice, and ask for Him to speak. am i testing the Spirits when i ask for the passage i wish to seek? or am i really waiting patiently for Him to tell me His Will?

so then i begin..........as the harmony from psalm 27 sings in my ears.

so you DO remember! =)

do you remember?
i have my own office and my own line with a tall leather chair that rolls around. one side of the wall is made up of windows (the whole wall!), looking out across from the curran theatre. instead of driving and paying an insane amount for parking, i got a ride to work this morning and will be getting a ride back. wow. i'm spoiled. of course, the luxury of living like a high-profile-peon comes with being in meetings that last more than 4.5 hours. i sit there, twirl my fingers, and try in every way possible to hide the next yawn i'm about to make. it's rough.

as i begin to prepare for my next trip ahead, something tells me that i need to rest. catching a ride to work this morning and chatting with my chaffeur, i realized that it's been a while since my mind was last picked. what am i doing and where am i going? of course i'm excited about going to thailand, vietnam (and possibly hk too), but i've been moving around a lot for the past two years. my close friends have stayed in contact with me regardless of where i've been. the support system i have is incredible. i just hope that C will come visit me when i need a cheer-up session too...even if that means far far away! =P

for all those who are special in my life, you're all there for a reason. =)

oh yes, thanks for extending my special day.....