i can feel the crisp air blow against my face.

in my voicemail, i find...

hey,
just calling to say hi...
yeah, fear not, the Lord is with you.
and i just pray right now, that heavenly father,
You be with bonnyth that you give her peace and all,
in all these situations that is unravelling...
i pray that you'd be her strength in her weakness.
and as she decreases may You increase....
may your loving arms surround her,
may she fill your love...
pray all these things in your name,
Amen.

thanks, you're awesome!
and hopefully in due time, i'd find him and cook him and eat him! ;)

a hopeless romantic
i look to my left and see a girl, staring back with curious eyes--as if we know each other, but not really. there's obviously something familiar that hides behind those eyes, as if she can relate to what i'm thinking and feeling.--or maybe i can relate to her?

i look over and ask, "can i trust God?" trust is an essential ingredient to surrender. you won't surrender to God unless you trust him, but you can't trust him until you know him better. Fear keeps us from surrendering, but love casts out all fear. the more you realize how much God loves you, the easier surrender becomes. but in this competitive culture, we're all taught to not give up, nor give in; we rarely hear much about surrendering. if winning is our goal, then surrendering is unthinkable, no? it implies losing, and no wants to be a loser. it evokes unpleasant images of "admitting defeat."

so yes, i see God's love for me--the way He never shuts me out of His sight, the way He forgives, the way he cares about every detail of my life---but what about humanity? can i trust people?

without even an ounce of hesitation, i can boldly, pridefully, say that i am loved---even in the people context. lately, i've had a lot of encouragements flying my way--whether it is demanded from the princess in me, or from the kind-hearted souls of my loved ones...J even said, i'm a fan...."once a fan, never can go back!" =) and then there are those who give me the tingleys from their simple gestures of hellos, gl, or even phone calls of motivation...when i know, i will never have time to call them back, even if it means they're three hours behind. i love you all, really i do. i know that i barely find time to say that to you individually, but know that there are little moments in life where i'm reminded of you.

whether you come by when i'm studying, or asking me to get ice cream, or calling to see how i'm holding up, or giving me wake up calls when it's obviously 5am for you, not me....then there's you who fill me in your precious-unemployed-time, who respond to my nothingness and talk as if i have something intelligent to say....of course how can i forget the reminders that hard work pays off? that it's only another week, that i need to go get ice cream to reward myself? and then there's that half-wit, half-sarcasm talk....then there's this friend who also tells me about his relationship incidents, about his struggle with God....and then how can i forget the friend who rubs in my face the times he goes out to "play, watch movies...etc"...but in the end, all these friends will still be there to talk to me when i need...priceless i tell you--especially when i need you most, and you don't even know.

for the labrat friend i know (ie - wise and rational)...;)....i was stopped in the hallway a few days ago to answer a friend's younger brother's o-chem questions. is this molecule chiral? how many stereoisomers? what about the chloride? for some reason, i thought about us...how we both as bio majors studied so hard, learned so much, but in the end, i wonder where that degree took us. ;)

kindred spirit, i tell you. =) blessed i truly am.

amidst all this, still, what is really love? am i still searching, looking greedily for more...for the purest form of love? for the person who i want to become, is this manageable for YOU to love me as i am (the good and the bad)? and what if i fail? and what if i can't meet the expectations you give? time and time again, i work to prove myself, but i'm never good enough, never ever good enough. why do you question my faith? why do you discredit my passion to be me? am "I" being the selfish one? but you know i have no choice but to give up everything i have. i have no idea where i'll be going next. i have no control over my life. i am just living each day, hoping that somehow, in my shortcomings, in my brokenness, He will use me in His coming.

someone has once pointed out that i'm like a rose blossoming in the middle of a snowfield.

i'm stubborn, i'm strong, i'm steadfast, i'm persistent.
i'm daring, i'm carefree, i'm independent, i'm not.
God, is this where you want me to be?

can You see behind my rags? can You feel beyond the coarseness of my working hands? can You hear over the noise that suffocates the room?

it's not about you. it's not about me. the purpose of our lives is far greater than personal fulfillment, peace of mind, or even happiness. it's far greater than family, career, or even the wildest dreams and ambitions. why were we placed on this planet? let's begin with Him. we are---born by his purpose and for his purpose. and so with this attitude in mind, i begin to pick up the broken pieces...

but it is with all your help and your encouragements (nothing that you'd think i'm high-maintenance of course ;).....) that i stand on my own two feet and extend my arms....

for a simple hug.

i'm hungry.
All i do is eat. really...now that i'm living in my own apartment with my own kitchen, and for those of you who know how much i "love food" and "love cooking," yes, i've met the demise of the nonexistent-only-in-my-dreams-modelling-career. oh wait, i was never tall enough anyways. oh well. now that i have access to a BIG refrigerator, i find myself stocking it up with unnecessary foods. i justify that by believing that "friends" would come over and hang out. nope, no time...or maybe not enough friends. there's so much food that sometimes it feels like i'm preparing for a famine that's about to strike. okay, so there's a bit of exaggeration there, but mind you, i do eat everything that i cook. that's the problem. i want to eat all the leftovers before i can cook up something new again...and what does that mean? cleaning my plates, every time. but hey, if you're ever in town and i'm ever around, wanna try a home-cooked meal? ;)

swamped. completely swamped with work and meetings. barely have any time to just chill and relax. in fact, i'm typing this while talking on the phone. that's what you call multitasking.
=)

Ice cream run!

14 minutes before ashley's closes. do you think they can make a run for it? doubt it. it's far and it's somewhat chilly outside. do you think that it's even worth the walk? there's still so much to read and so much to do. but no, wait, this is school. there's something about being in school, living in the dorms, where spontaneity takes centerstage. that's the beauty of it all.

so off one goes. then...she rings up another; accomplice two abides. off they all go...running down the street, even if that means on a bum ankle. tick tick tick....

red light. darn. okay...let's run across. finally, the door opens and you can smell it...the sweetness that fills the whole room. smile. BIG smile. they made it. pumpkin...coffee...no no not the caffeine kind...over carefully witted conversation.

what a beautiful day. =)

despite my bum ankle, i ran. =) C reminded me how a hectic-school life can be so fulfilling. P reminded me how much of my mental strength was waiting to be re-explored. J reminded me to smile.

it's beautiful outside. really, it's charming.

in an effort to figure out what classes i'd be taking this taxing semester, i entrusted a wise and rational friend from the other coast to help me resolve my academic conflicts. do i choose an easy class without much depth and just breeze on by for the sake of graduating or do i indulge myself with a little bit of sophistication and intellect to satisfy my hungry desires of maximizing my education here? so there i go...asking for his advice. and he uses his magic.

tails. yes, tails was for the hard class.
the coin has been flipped.




if only life can be this simple, where a two-sided coin will resolve all the conflicts of our daily lives, our minds, and our hearts. as i struggle to find truthful relevation in my very own heart, my confusion and angst open up my vulnerability to immediate pleasures. i find myself asking questions about my future, my ambitions, and my desires---how do i pursue the things i want without sacrificing His Will? sure you'd think that the my nomadic adventures brought me new insight and satisfaction in witnessing God's grace, but yet at the same time, the striking difference between His and my world shines boldly as I question my identity of who i am and what i want. i have great relationships with the people i love, but i also find myself being critical in wanting "engaging conversations." i value the opportunistic nature i have to get things done, yet i feel ashamed to be so worldly. sadly to say, the food-laden refridgerator in my apartment is a simple reflection of my wants to be "more-than-adequate."

so how do i strive to be the better person that i've been wanting to be? where do i draw my boundaries when it comes to both mental and physical desires?

i feel trapped in an effort to survive.

so impressed upon me are words of wisdom through a simple IM chat...with a distant friend far far away, where God has so cleverly placed on my lap this past summer. as thoroughly as i possibly can, i share with you her response to my questions and doubts of "being my very best for God."

it starts out with being "cultually honest." there are things that we can or cannot do, as christians...and sometimes, there are things that you're "not supposed to do" as well. maybe it's the ignorant child in me who has yet to learn, but there are things that seem to be okay. it's been an internal complex where i've strived to be the best, to be good enough for Him, but i AM human, and i DO stumble. I err like everyone else. why does it feel like i'm never good enough?

the truth is, this is exactly where i'm supposed to be. amazingly enough, during the last several weeks when things have been both physically and emotionally taxing, i find myself struggling to hold on---struggling to just simply believe. both busy and sleep-deprived, i can barely function without being caffeine-induced. the online chats have definitely kept my sanity going, but late night calls with tears running down my face have been too much to bear sometimes. J asks:....how do you do it?

thanks for my first cali visit with great fellowship and great FOOD (wahoo!) and my first "princess" package from my biggest pocky-fan...and of course the random check-up phone calls....when you ask, God provides!

He uses not the strong, but the weak, not the wise, but the fool, to usher in His coming. As another Asia-traveling brother claimed, "I AM a weak fool!" Oftentimes when we strategize and pride ourselves of the work we do as His believers, we forget to give "Him" the glory.

although this may be a justification, for the free-passionate-hopeless-romantic-spirit in me, stumbling is tough...