princess' back
...that's my back i'm talking about. =) i'm not sure how many people know the story of the princess and the pea, but among the friends here, only a limited few respond affirmatively about knowing such a fairy tale. geez, where did these people grow up? it runs along the same era as rumpelstelskin, jack and the bean-stalk, and many others. the sleep consultant, on the other hand, knew what i was talking about.

i do feel like a spoiled princess sometimes. i just went and got a new mattress for my dorm room; it's unfortunately a twin. i downgraded from my irvine full bed to an extra long twin dorm mattress to now a twin. but i'm not complaining; in fact, i'm more than ecstatic! the sealy mattress is quite an impressive product, posturepeudically (interesting word, eh?) enhanced. there is something about my taste that has gotten a tad too posh; i have a natural inclination for the better product. it's almost sickening if you ask me. =) i guess that's also where my exercise of self-control comes in, testing my ability and restraining myself from the unnecessary and want to the appropriate and need. i wonder if it's the environment that i'm currently in or the friends i'm associated with that has created this critical me. don't get me wrong, i'm not quite yet the "must-be-slapped-silly, bring her down to earth girl." i'm just grateful---grateful for all that i have and all that i can have. God protects me wherever i go.

even tonight, after the mattress hunting, s, j, j's visiting gf and i all went out for pumpkin hunting. we almost had a charlie brown halloween. it must be a CT thing because we went through several grocery stores...and i'm talking 5 appropriate big-name stores for pumpkins, but there was absolutely none. was it a consequence of procrastination (the day before halloween)? so maybe it was my fault because the first place we went to was a pumkin patch outside the church, charging nearly $5 for an ugly-shaped pumpkin. i commented that there must be some better looking (and cheaper) ones at a grocery store. not only were these pumpkins the last-rejected few of the bunch, but it boggled our minds trying to explain the deal about a church celebrating a pagan holiday. it's rather interesting. but nevertheless, we hunted down all the stores, and after each trip, we began to think of different ways of celebrating a pumpkin carving festivity. oranges? one suggested. how about cantaloupe? our desperation drained our energy; we understood why kids would go smoke and do drugs. they couldn't find pumpkins to carve, so they had to resort to their second options. haha. just kidding. so finally we did find several pumpkins left at superK for $2.88. can you believe that? wow! perseverance never fails to bring destiny. i just made that up; i'm not sure if it makes sense actually. forgive me, it's 2.40am and i should really hit the hay for some beauty rest. i intended to finish my homework due friday and stay on top of some other reading material; obviously, i'm in denial, forgetting my mastery in the art of procrastination. this is just a prime example....

i'm definitely getting myself into trouble. =P sometimes i just wonder what He has in store for me. what comes next?

hopeless romantic.
i see m hurriedly walking off to a library again. is it the law library this time? or the medical school? or eph? either way, he spends countless days and nights studying, while me...the one who needs more help between the two of us, is napping away on a sunny afternoon. yesterday night around 11pm, i braved the streets of new haven to get to the computer lab to print out some of my articles for my paper. again, i see m working on his global health paper.

we finally end up talking. he has always been someone who struck me as an easy-going, uppity, always smiling guy---a very atypical stern japanese guy from my book. i've aspired to be like the him ever since i started drowning in my classes. sigh. what to do? he has quite a magnificent story to share. other than spending 2 years discriminated for his heroic acts as peace corps rural walker in guatemala, m chose to come to Y over other schools, all paid for by the japanese government, only to strengthen his potential in making money to marry his fiance back at home. he's 28, but he looks more like 24, if not younger. the way he describes her can make any girl swoon. being the nosy one, i pry a little into his personal life, asking to see pictures of her and inquiring about their form of communication. they have been dating since high school. apparently, he has no way of visiting japan, except for family emergencies with his parents' health....he can't even go home next year for his younger brother's wedding! will she come and visit? her window of vacation is so limited that chances of her visiting will be minimal. how do they communicate then?

he does not use electronic mail. he does not have money for long distance phone calls. he does not chat even though there is ethernet access in his room. once every two weeks, he spends at least three hours, writing away to the love of his life. whoever said the art of snail mail has become extinct? no way! i sit there, listening to his story, mouth with a gaping hole of admiration...inspiration? oh not quite...m is definitely a rare breed i tell ya.

halloween party.
chomping on candy corn and chips by the bar, n and i were staring at the tv, watching the last few minutes of game 6...very unusual considering that the atmosphere was meant to be for partying and dancing. g came to visit for the weekend from boston. what a weekend, i must say. if it wasn't for her, i wouldn't have gone out to check out the new haven grad life as much as i did...when she first came in, she was impressed with the layout of my room. =) i have recently refurnished a few corners and well, it's just more homey, i must say. i was extremely ecstatic to host her, especially since it's been several months since we fully caught up with each others' lives. it worked out really well considering that my mom just recently sent me my sleeping bag to snooze on the floor (feels better for my back).

friday night started after i slept through my MRI session. the loud annoying sound did not bother me at all. downstairs, a friend had a wine and cheese party. she must have had 50 candles lit around in her room---totally elegant and classy---somehow it made me think of c (and her offer of a luxurious bath). while we sipped wine (which according to someone had turned bad..eww), we just chit-chatted about our expectations and impressions of our time here in gradschool. i loved it. with the jazzy mellow music in the background, and homemade apple pie (mmm, yum!), i must say, g came out on a great weekend. she got to meet all my friends---from those i hang out with to those who i bicker with. by simply playing taboo!, i got a taste of what each personality was like. n was definitely a stubborn one. j was overly-hyper and panicky. b was, well, just a lost cause. =P g and i ended up staying really late talking, but of course, again, i fell asleep in the middle of our conversation. zzzzzzz....

i had no real expectations for the weekend; i had made no plans to be honest. but somehow, He blessed us with perfect weather and perfect friends to chill with. after being peer-pressured into getting a costume, i was then persuaded into going to gypc (pronounced gypsy) later that night for a 3-floor grad party. embarrassed and almost ashamed, i admitted that i had never stepped foot into that graduate bar since i've arrived in new haven. for one thing, new haven isn't all that big, and another, the fact that i've been here as a gradstudent for the last 2.5 months now without checking that place out really reflects the anti-social nature of lil ole me. nevertheless, i went...totally decked out for a party of halloween fun. i don't remember the last time i got dressed up for such an event, but halloween really has become a social thing for young adults. the party was definitely worth going for and g definitely had a blast. too bad i couldn't link some pictures up. =)

sunday, we dilly-dallied around Y. after several weekends of gloomy weather, He definitely blessed me with an awesome time with my girlfriend. i got to take g around to my favorite spots of Y....from the law library to the cementary to payne gym, we got to bond over cones of ashley's ice cream! =) after she took off to the train station, i ended up following her and cabbed her sleeping bag back to her. what a moment! ha. despite the recent brokenness of my physicality, i must say, this was one of the best weekends i've had since i've been here.....there's just certain things about close girlfriends that you can never share with anyone else.

Angels...ahem...ANGELS soaring...

Angels soaring high.

how well do you know me? =)
so i have this sweater, that has its sleeves slightly removed, almost like a pair of gloves that is still attached around the armpit area. can you see me wearing it? i finally dug it out from my fall wardrobe yesterday. i must say, i've been fortunate enough that within the past three years, no one group has gotten tired of it; each year i've lived in a different spot and amused a different group of people. the first year (senior yr of college), my professor claimed that my sleeves were falling off. second year, i was made fun of by friends in Irvine and SF. now, i get compliments actually for being "oh-so-trendy." haha. as amusing as it is for others, it is for me as well. what do you think fashion critic?

in giving coffee to a fellow friend, i received a hammer, a screwdriver, and a conversation of blessed adventures.

convicted.
i received a life study bible in the mail today. sometimes i feel like i'm attending seminary school, with the 2 2-inch additions for my little bookshelf. application...that's really what it is about.

it took me 1.5 months to really get settled into the current situation i am in (re: school, work, family, personal relationships and God). the last month and a half have not been easy. i have wrestled with many issues in life, and have contemplated over what i am supposed to do next. today marked the end of my midterms. can you believe it? it is already half the semester. i don't count the weeks anymore, i just go and learn. during this time, i have met new people, made new friends, worked to maintain old friendships, kept old friendships...doubted my deferral, convinced of my deferral, questioned my future...fought with myself physically, broke down in re: to my health...wrestled with faith, restored my faith....and here i am. still with issues, but nevertheless, resolved in many other things as well.

the last time i talked about my old self and new self was in regards to pride...how part of my nature manifested itself pridefully by being independent and overly self-confident. if i were to reevaluate myself this time around, i noticed how i've subconsciously told myself that there's something wrong, something i can't do. "In Christ, we are important, we are qualified, we are good" however. my submission to false humility has crippled me in my walk and my faith. precious time should not be wasted on nonsense thoughts and desires. while i worked to hold my friends accountable, i had forgotten someone in particular: myself. what a hypocrite i can be.

crazy people at crazy hours of the night.
never sleeping. always on IM. yet these people do really well in the things they study/work/learn. how do they do that?
it's 6AM here and i have a midterm (that will cost a handful of brain cells), yet i'm up with a blurred idea of how much sleep i really got the night before. it's that twisting and turning that leaves me confused in the land between dream and reality...like peter pan, yet i have concluded nothing that would carry me through the rest of today with zest and idealism. should i go back to sleep or should i continue to ponder over the many things that are running through my head the past two nights? maybe it's the ramification of buying a coffeemaker?

but fortunately, i was awakened by phone call and reminded to be still...to be still before Him amidst all that consumes my mind.

above all powers.
"are there any prayer requests?" she asked.
"yes, even though i tell you that things are okay, i've lost a lot of motivation for a community. i've lost the inspiration to check out what God is trying to do for me. i've lost the desire for corporate worship."

not so long ago, c and i had caught up, with the daily matters of our royal lives. we laugh, giggle, and share some of the most superficial thoughts together. yet, even though we can talk about the most worldly things, our conversation never fails to bring Him in as our guidance. While holding us accountable, He is our constant reminder of how precious we all are....

unbearable discomfort...
after staying up until 4am and finishing a 2 hour exam that was meant to take 3 hours, i must say my brain is officially fried. honestly though, i do pat myself on the back (although it's all covered with salonpas pads---they DO work btw). i've survived. but somehow, i've learned during this past week that God has never left me, and while i constantly struggled physically, He continually brought people into my life to comfort me and to relax my muscles.

i don't know what i have, but i really doubt it's carpal. maybe a type of carpal, but unfortunately with the pain coming from my back, i think it's more than that and a part of me is really really scared that it's something serious. I know He answers prayers and He brings miracles. Throughout the whole week, the pain radiating from my right shoulder blade has left me practically paralyzed from getting any work done. but at the same time, papers due, midterms galore. what a way to test my strength and faith even more. (whoa i rhyme!). =) to end this week with a great big genuine smile cannot be me. to extend that smile to other people must really be my "hyde-side." how did it all happen? like i said, i could barely lift a finger. chatting was kept to a minimal, only to receive showers of encouragements from a precious few. a--despite his recovery. j--despite her medschool life. j--despite his overpacked schedule to care for another princess. j--despite his worries for his p-exam. d--despite his sickness. all found time to check up on lil ole me, to persuade me to get off the computer, to motivate me to take better care of myself.

Then there’s j—a second year medstudent here who massaged my back and got me pepto. J is a GIRL. Yep, in addition to all the back and wrist pains, my stomach is acting up…

prayers from a-a-p-c. thank you.

however c managed to do it; really she did. the novel idea of mini bible study over voicemail strengthened my attitude--although i did leave the ringer ON during class time. *wink* through her, God was revealing to me my pain, my growth, and my hunger for His love. all this time, i've been holding myself accountable, yet not necessarily eager for fellowship in a corporate setting again. i questioned my faith. i questioned my attitude. was there something wrong with me, i thought to myself. yesterday, a bible commentary was sent to me...and also 24 roses. an unexpected surprise that allowed me to share with 12 other girl friends here. For each friend, I passed on a rose and told them to study hard. I dried up the remaining 12 on my wall.

Jesus loves me, and so do many.

My pain has not gone away, so I’ve been taking drugs nonstop. =( but acts of kindness have left me feeling so lucky, so blessed. I feel like a broken record saying this continually…

Even though this weekend started out with overdue sleep and care for my own self, I was peer-pressured into playing broomball at the Y-rink! I know most of my friends would consider me hopeless...heehee…but it was really well-worth it. I haven’t found time to really relieve some of the tension for a while; I haven’t been in a competitive sports-setting for a while—being aggressive and playing hard. I had to make the first-years look good, but at the expense of my body. Hey, work hard, play hard, right? It was my first time playing broomball. It reminded me of some of the snowball fights I engaged in last winter, fighting to the very end. I bet, some of my friends would look and say, I’m proud of ya, bonnie. =)

humbled.
my upper back suddenly "broke" on me.
i called my mom and asked her to pray for me.
never had i asked her for that before.
my family's just not like that.
she responded with "of course."
i called c. i called a. i called a.
i know they did.

changing habits.
when i first got here, i had to adjust to taking showers in the night. no time. i end up staying up so late at night (either on the phone or working or wasting time); i barely had energy to take showers in the morning. unfortunately, the fact that i could literally roll out of my bed and walk next door for my classes didn't motivate me to wake up any earlier. i've mastered the art of looking rather decent, AND making to classes early by simply waking up 15 minutes before the start of the first class--yeah, the self-conscious me! either this is a reflection of me getting comfortable with the idea of not caring how hideous i may look or i'm just not all that hideous after all. thanks, thank you very much....

but look, it's 8am, AND i'm blogging. haven't done it for a while, actually, and i really should stay off of it for the time being. my mother had recently sent me some chinese ointment for my back and wrists; boy do they STINK! but yes yes, they DO work and so i've tried to use it in the evening, when i've allowed myself to retreat from social life. i really wouldn't feel comfortable having my new friends here smell and think i'm working up a "distinctive" BO. and so, i also had to get up early to take a morning shower. ugh. and guess what? the weather is really crummy....it's supposed to storm up like a mother, but for some strange odd peculiar reason (okay can i use any more words from the thesaurus?), i woke up feeling rather, refreshed? even after taking that morning shower, and getting very little rest, i've had more quality qt in the morning and i've allowed my radio to do its work by playing nonstop the michael w. smith cd. i even went downstairs to grab a bagel and coffee. i know this is something i shouldn't be totally proud of, BUT i've discovered the concept of using a pack of hot chocolate and dissolving it into coffee...with a clever disguise, they only charge you for hot chocolate....heehee. so despite everything that points in the wrong direction right now, i feel A-okay. =)

the lounge outside of my room on my floor has begun to be somewhat of a social hangout place. sometimes it's okay, if the noise doesn't distract me from my studying. but one good thing is that it's forced me to get up and out of my chair and work station to stretch and relax my muscles a bit. i've been on high-stress earlier and it's about time to let my muscles go. it's otherwise a really bad form of posture. i've also become somewhat of the "food-lady." somehow sharing pocky sticks did get me a few friends. =)

so a friend once said, to find a friend, go out and be one. a rather simple concept but definitely difficult to maneuver. my room had been such a safe haven from all my social awkwardness and energy-consuming activities outside in the busy and "exciting" world of new haven. my unlimited cell-phone minutes and ethernet connection had been God's best inventions since i've arrived. but look what happened....look what my wrists and back are telling me. certain habits are meant to change. and well, being creature of habits, maybe change is a good one. but then again, are certain goals and passions of my heart going to or already changing as well? God has been so clear lately; no doubt, He will be continue to be faithful---an idea that is inexplicably intangible, but strikingly powerful.

i thought it was a crummy day, until she said:
"rain ain't nut'n but h2o. put on your north face and get your xrays
taken!!! and wear boots so you can AIM for puddles and splash around
joyously, getting in touch with your youthful self!"

so true, so true. time for this sytem of mine to reboot...

that drive.
i was looking through a few different international scholarships for me to do my summer field study abroad---to save and conquer the world, so to speak. i've always wanted to spend some time "out there" again, since i'm young and capable and not tied down. it must be the ambitious side of me speaking...thinking that this world can be changed somehow with my help. i remember my sg leader told me that i had a lot of idealism in me, that the young-spirited nature has not diminished despite what the world has done and can do. idealism doesn't necessarily equate to optimism, which i might add the latter is the better of the two. oh well, i can't ask for perfection.

while perusing through these possibilities for my coming year, i continually ask myself how much i want to put myself out there again, how much do i want to give up the comforts of my own home to experience another character-builder, how much do i necessarily want to "grow up"? every time i throw myself into an unsure situation, i come out stronger, tougher, with a new group of nomadic friends of similar interests who i can share stories with. am i doing it for myself or am i doing it for God? this is definitely too early for me to commit to an internship, yet, it is not too early to realize that things have changed. the way i feel, my focus. as i am doing research on these things, with michael w. smith playing in the background, an overwhelming sense of appreciation surrounds me. i look out the window. i think. all this time, i've survived somehow. can it be that although you may not necessarily have the strongest desire to do something, yet there's a calling----an attraction pulling you in that direction? that even if i'm ready to say, let's not go there anymore, courage takes over and you deal with whatever it may be knowing that you will eventually survive afterall?

is He making the decision for me or am i making it for myself with faith that He will provide? do i wait for Him to answer my prayers? that hopeful independence consumes me again---a good one, i might add.

i noticed the color. i really did! chartreuse right? =)
When the chips are down, there's nothing like a good girlfriend. A friend is someone who accepts you---warts, wrinkles, weight, and all---unconditionally. She will listen to you cry or complain and do her best to look out for your best interests...She supports you through thick and thin, but because there is mutual respect, she will not allow you to wallow in self-pity or manipulate her. She will encourage you to be your best self and allow you the freedom to make your own choices. Friends remind us we are part of something greater than ourselves, a larger world, and the right friends keep us on track. thanks CL! you make me feel so loved.

i've spent less time in front of the computer...many of you know why. i know, i know...i should get off now too! so instead, i've found more opportunities to talk on the phone, (that is, when i have the time)---with my parents, my family, my friends. while sharing a few bible verses with my friend over the phone tonight, i clung on to my bible and westley and found myself protected. the past several weeks have reflected my spiritual and physical weaknesses. i do not remember feeling so broken, not the dramatic-self-pity girl in me, but physically. the more i tried to combat each battle, the less control i had. to become strong in the broken places in our lives demands that we do two things, seeming opposities: hang in there and let go. to somehow dig up the courage to keep going is the very courage that allows us to scoop up the borken pieces of our lives and lay them all at the feet of One who would do more in us than just get us through the storm. someone once told me, He would take the fire that blackens our horizons and warm our souls with it. He would sharpen our vision in the darkness that oppresses us. He would use the despair of standing at a grave to deepen our trust. This we cannot do for ourselves. Perhaps because our brokenness brings us to the end of ourselves, it is here, in these jars of clay that we offer up to his very special grace, that God's all-surpassing power is made known and He, indeed, makes us strong in our broken places.

despite the weaknesses i've had to deal with as of late, i am speechless for the love i receive from all my friends. phone calls, snail mail, care-packages and chats...all unexpected surprises. what did i do to deserve all of this?