inspired.
orientation has changed new haven around. with the newly added mini colored lantern lamps, a totally "loud" bedskirt matching with my indigo comforter, shakespearian posters on my wall (his famous quotes of insults and humor), and the plagiarized dS touch yet to come....i have a really sweet room. i wish i could show all my friends back at home how each little corner has been inspired by him, by her....and of course, i cannot forget, that i received my first piece of mail today...the UCLA powell library postcard will be the first addition to that dS wall. my UCLA friend totally read my mind; i had intended to call out to my beloved friends to send me pictures or postcards to decorate this otherwise sterile place, puhlease?<--hint hint.

God has blessed me with a physically attractive, comfortable room as home. but most importantly, i have found myself completely lucky to be a part of a community that extends across the country and beyond, to be able to share with my friends and have them as my supportive left arm as much as my right. Emails from 2As, C, and K have been keeping me sane. Chats with D, P and J have been really encouraging. I'm lucky. Thank you.

I finally chatted with P. it has been a year since we last interacted. somehow, a bit of maturity gave me confidence and reassurance to say exactly what had been on my mind...to be able to forgive and look behind past mistakes and say, wow, how fortunate we can still be friends. the way he talks...still...he does hold that charm that can easily get me into trouble, but i also look back and say....thank you god for testing me again. i know i have grown. a heavy burden seems to have lifted off my shoulders; i instantly felt lighter and happier. it gave me closure for a past chapter, but seemed to offer a new beginning of hope...in many ways, pessimism could easily take over my spirit and my mind from certain past experiences, but somehow, idealism and optimism seem to always take front seats. *chuckle. how lucky i am to have Him watching over me. i know i've had several instances of tear-fest here in new haven already....but, to be loved is such a great feeling.

Pouring, but refreshing.
today was orientation and for the first time, i felt like a student again. meeting new people, talking with faculty, interacting with peers...something i've been anxiously waiting for since the day i left san francisco. say cheese! for student ID....not too bad. say cheese! again for composite photo...black and white, who cares? being a student makes you less picky, more appreciative of what gets completed, i suppose.

my advisor for my time here is quite...a character. she's sarcastic, but witty. she's blunt, but honest. she starts and ends her conversations with a wicked and uncanny laugh. i love it---totally my kind of character. she's definitely a demanding one and knowing that her two other advisees are probably twice as smart as i am, there's a bit of pressure in my academic performance. i guess i expected that when i got here; everyone has his/her own unique traits that just blows me away.

Tengism keeping me under control.
" The stories of past courage....they can teach, they can offer hope, they
can provide inspiration. But, they cannot supply courage itself. For this
each man must look into his own soul."

- JFK, 1959 from Profiles in Courage

i've said that i wanted to settle down because i'm getting frustrated with all the moving and adjusting experiences. it's tough on the body, mind, and soul...i cannot forget, however, that He is putting a cross on my shoulders that only i am capable of bearing. patience, i keep reminding myself, patience. having chatted with my evan-jaron friend today gave me that homey reassurance again. i remember trying to adjust into SF when the world was still new and foreign to me, and his bluntness cleared away many distractions and temptations that were in the way. even though our lives were always heading down similar paths and comparable transitions, he had always been the stronger one.

Staring outside.
the rooftops don't add much to the gothic architecture around here, at least not from my view. though not the grandest, i still paid extra for the courtyard view from my 11th floor window.

i walked around campus with my folks today prior to their departure. i think they were more amazed than i was. i could feel it; my parents were really proud. they wanted to see everything, but they didn't have all the time in the world. as for me, i was wrestling with a bit of disappointment in myself. being obedient takes a lot of work, sometimes. i wonder if God is proud of me right now, when i'm simply blogging away in front of the computer instead of going out to make the best of my time. it's just going to take a bit of time for me to get adjusted into this east coast world. i've been asking myself why i'm here. there are moments when i feel so lucky, so blessed, but at the same time, there's a longing for the comforts of my own home. He put me here because it was meant to be. i wonder what other things are meant to be. Maybe it's the anticipation for what's to come next that keeps me going.

walking pass a certain building provoked a certain reaction and stroked a certain nerve. maybe an inspirational one. time...time will tell.

Plane Ride.
I’ve always wanted to whip out a nice looking laptop and start typing away on the plane. Here I am, laptop in front, Tobi residing in the side pocket, airplane blanket on my lap.

It’s hard to imagine that I’m off to begin a new adventure, finally. The several weeks of packing and unpacking at home have left me anxious, with emotions from all ends of the extreme. One day I was scared. Another I was eager. The third I was hopeful. With little sleep and plenty of backaches, I finally have the chance to really reflect and look inside my world and see what I’ve been experiencing.

Time. If only I can ask God for more time, I would pay my whole life savings for it. The last week, I’ve found myself so incredibly busy that I had very little time to get in touch with people I had wanted to before I left. I wanted to call. I wanted to write. I hope all my friends will understand and let me slide just once. No negligence again, I promise. (And I don’t make promises often!) He was definitely testing my patience, which I think I have too little of. Without my girlfriends, I would have found myself up a creek without a paddle. Though I may come across as someone who runs like a “tomboy,” if you take a glimpse of my packing, you’d realize that I am truly, sincerely, without a speck of doubt, really I am a girl. Look at my luggages and you’ll find the word: overpacked.

My world will change. I wonder just how. I’m excited. Unfortunately, it is inevitable that I will be humbled in this new world, that I will be tested in academics and in faith, that I will be toughened by experiences of independence and growth. This new chapter will also bring a little more permanence in my life; I hope to learn as much as I contribute into this new community. Although I never expected to spend so much time on the east coast, maybe this chapter will also test the durability and longevity of friendships and relationships back at home. Will they pass? Will I pass? It is uncertainty that excites me even during the moments of stress. Am I scared? He will protect, right?

I used to pride myself with a great memory. With all that has happened within the past year, the previous ones will find themselves left in my back burner. Within a year, I have loved, feared, worried, and “whined.” And somehow, even though so many things have left such great impressions on my mind and I have at one time held on to every speck so tightly, I think I have found peace in my heart---allowing the sand (all that should be there) to simply sit on my palm. There is just some sort of contentment and fulfillment that seems to satisfy my yearning desires now; I daresay much resides from knowing Him. Don’t get me wrong, I still find myself somewhat fidgety when things get rough, but it’s the drama that adds flair to life. I expect to see myself finding a calmer attitude in approaching new things in life, reacting with less impulse but more conviction, taking control of each situation with forethought, and most importantly, responding without regrets but a true heart. Mistakes I have made, but forgiven He has been. My cries and questions will continue while His answers await. Let’s begin, shall we?

wanted words were not spoken. unexpected actions were made.

Cleaning, packing, cooking...can we say D-O-M-E-S-T-I-C?
don't get me wrong, i do enjoy spending time at home whether i am being a couch potato or being a maidservant. knowing that my time is few, i don't mind helping out with my parents, especially now that the wedding is over. who says we need a brother in the house? my hs friend and i conversed about this idea recently, and we've noticed that families with all girls have raised them into becoming a lot more independent, capable individuals. i'd love to have a brother in the house sometimes to cater to my whiney and girlish ways, but the truth is, without a boy in the family, each girl has grown up to handle anything that a boy can do. take out the trash? fix the toaster oven that seemed to have stopped working? setup the new computer in the study? the do-this, do-that expectations from my dad have definitely made me a lot more self-sustaining when alone...maybe my past 20-some years have been a bootcamp in itself, forcing me to be strong and confront challenges with determination.

but i am still a girl---a girl who appreciates the moments of being cherished and remembered. maybe that is why i do whine to my dad and am "daddy's lil girl" when i need to play my cards right. being somewhat sensitive (for lack of a better word) as of late for reasons of leaving CA has made me feel that i am very much attached to people and things around me. i have grown more nostalgic as the day draws near. funny that nostalgia seems to parallel many reservations i am having...makes me feel almost sad. =( but if it weren't for the little things in life....i may have wallowed in my misery a bit longer than necessary....

as i was cleaning out some old stuff, i came across a set of newsong notes i had written from one of the first services i went to: "divine encounters!" with pastor dave gibbons. it read: our lives are filled with divine encounters (DE) mixed with seemingly impossible challenges. DE cause confusion, disturbance, and fear. DE test your faith....How do we respond to these divine encounters and impossible challenges? You see, God is already working....we must fight through the illusions (that God can't. and God has abandoned you.) and cling to what is true (God can! God will never leave you!). hence, we must let Him take control. No wonder. the pathway to the Impossible is often a barren road of pain....

she must be my living reminder. she told me that the answer to all my worries and questions is God. how true that is, i almost forgot. with her words resonating in my mind, i suddenly realized that i was only 23, and i still have so much i need to do. why else did God challenge me in so many ways?...i have grown so much because of her. she has presented so many tough questions and thoughts for me to ponder over (as if i don't do that enough!)....He places people in my life for a reason. they're here because without them, i would not be who i am today.

then there's my older friend who called after reading my blog. she's so funny...another loyal fan. even though she hasn't met any of my SF friends, i feel like she knows them already....simply catching up with her made me realize that i can be really self-absorbed, that i can do so much more for my friends. friendship is not a calculatory equation, but i have not been the better half between two friends...but at the same time, it's her attentive concerns that comfort me in knowing that even if i'm out on the east coast...maybe, just maybe my friends (no matter where they will be) will always be listening to the drama stories i may have...

a couple of brothers have also said their prayers and encouragement for me...they may not be the most direct communicators, but their small gestures mean so much to me, especially since one has noticed that i'll be saving a lot of money from my ice cream fast.=P ha! that's where the brotherly love comes in and he'll buy ice cream for ME in the future, right? then, there is he who said a prayer for me so i'd get my beauty rest =) and be ready for another day of challenges and new adventures...some words may be simple, but they do matter.

i'm ready. really, i am. when i say those words, am i kidding myself? i'm ready to start school again, and get my brain up and running like before. i'm ready to meet new people and be confident in the things i do believe and in the things i do not. i'm ready to start writing snail mail from the east coast to those i love and miss back at home. sure, this sounds like another one of those bonnie-reassures-herself-moments. acceptance is half the battle.

Jitters are coming.
as the time ticks on day by day, i find myself growing more and more anxious. it feels weird. is it about my departure? is it about my family and california? is it about the people who may or may NOT be in my life a year from now? will friendships end? the rambunctious bonnyth seems to have quieted down in an unusual, yet not unnatural, demeanor. feelings are kept silent. emotions are not expressed. definitely constipated with thoughts....constipated with anxiety and tension. but according to a Particularly Objective Brother, he'd rather be constipated with anxiety and tension than to have diarrhea with anxiety and tension. so even at such an ungodly hour with such overwhelming thoughts, she still manages to give off a chuckle. it must be recycled wit that lingers in cyberspace even after normal hours.

she stares in front of her computer screen, wanting to find some inspiration to begin her heartfelt concerns. it's always better to get it out...to process rather than to suppress. are they bad? no, not really. but they are keeping her up from catching beauty rest. are they good? worried is not the right word. anxious....anxious for the things that He has in store for her. what if faith ends up running dry? somehow He has the ability to restore. her lips are open, but words cannot be heard. there is no window of opportunity to open up. she has so many questions....will she be missed? will she adjust as well as she did in san francisco? will she find herself cultivating the seeds that she has planted this past year? or will she be forgotten? will she find it difficult the first three months? will she move away from her comfort zone and begin a new niche? what if she quits? words begin, but nothing new. thoughts that clutter her mind aren't sharp, but they create blatant creases that cannot be erased, cannot be forgotten before the night is over. comforting words cry out to her...but her stubborn mind cannot be penetrated with more thoughts. sacrifices---some must be made for new adventures to blossom. but how to choose? can she choose? does she choose? no. how much effort can she put in to make it work? or maybe no effort and see where the steering wheel goes? motivation for school. motivation for God. motivation for nothing else. why? she takes a step. but no response. well maybe vaguely, but definitely not clear and not convincing enough now that her mind is dense, so dense. her expectations are human responses. she sits. she waits...we shall see, she thinks...yes, we shall see...to be continued....

"Is the life I am living the same as the life that wants to live in me?"

It still sits on my desk...
the night before i left SF, my friend gave me a gift certificate to coldstone. =) being the ice cream fanatic that i am, you'd think i would have used it the instant i got it. i've passed by several coldstones since then, and i have yet to take that opportunity to indulge myself in such luxury. with all the commotion and distractions i have (and continue to) come across during this time of transition, i have made it a personal decision to fast from my one and only most valued desire....ice cream. *gasp!*

i have two weaknesses---two temptations that easily get the best of me in any situation. one is ice cream. the other, ha!....how can i publicly announce BOTH my weaknesses? taking a personal step to abstain from consuming ice cream is quite a challenge for me, but that is exactly the reason why i've decided to do this. what does it mean exactly? for me, it is very easy to forget my purpose, to forget why i do certain things or why i don't do certain things. i forget my chores at home when i see how comfortable my bed is. i forget what it means to be patient when something (or someone) provokes my emotions. i forget to be still when i worry. i even forget to pray. the first thing i turn to in times of confusion and frustration is ice cream. the fat-inducing-hip-enlarging-dessert has created a perfect comfort zone for me to hide away in. i don't want to find myself lost when tested outside this arena, especially on the east coast. that is why it is extremely important for me to put Him before me, to recognize in what ways i have been sinning, and to remind myself that there is no other person i can rely on. when my friend gave me that gift certificate, he had no idea i was on this personal journey of self-improvement, but what a reminder it has become! he also offered me specific words of wisdom that continue to resonate in my mind up until now. i almost forgot it a few days ago...i found myself losing sight of the real picture. how easy it is to forget; that makes me so human. his words and the gift certificate are double doses to remind ME to be good. sure, i have been tempted. today for a nonchristian friend's birthday (whom i have known for 15 years now), the waitress brought out ice cream for dessert. mmm, tempting...but i said no. she calls it the christian weight-loss program. =)

whatever it may be, i think i'm getting comfortable with the idea. how long will this last? the day after i have settled in new haven and found my true identity among believers and non-believers---to be confident of who i have become. we shall see. maybe that will be more than just the first month...it started out with a simple: i-need-to-be-careful-of-what-i-put-in-my-mouth-before-the-wedding-idea. being back at home has not been easy; i miss some peeps so so so much (especially after developing my 8 rolls of film); i find myself vegging and wasting time more, but bringing my lilsista to newsong has been a true blessing! i can't wait...i feel so passionate about this. a sister in SF (yes YOU!) has motivated me to be productive again with my free time; she even suggested that i take a trip around rodeo drive and enjoy the LA experience before i go. ha! i'm getting motivated again...for school, for the new challenges that lay ahead. the anticipation is beginning to grow on me...how lucky i am to have such great opportunities...sometimes i want to celebrate with ice cream...but amidst all this, i have not forgotten...to lay my head back down and pray...

i recently learned something important about myself.
i'm 1/16 russian. oh darn. i guess all my hopes of having "mr. right" marry me are gone since i'm not 100% chinese. =)

Open the Eyes of My Heart.
There are certain things you just don't have control over. Me being the one who always likes to be in control, i guess it makes things a lot more difficult when the heart is involved. People look at me and think i'm strong; they think i can handle many things in life. With my big head, i often think so too, but in the end, emotions take the best of me and take over. emotions are never wrong. they are the purest, truest forms of expression, of who i am.

the events that led up to the wedding were chaotic, stressful, and even hurtful. everyone took everything really personally---moments that left even the most easy-going person stressed out. but the wedding was beautiful. i cannot begin to describe how big of a watermark it became for me, how God left me feeling so blessed, so lucky. i was standing the closest to the couple and saw everything that God was doing to them at that moment of matrimony. i saw his eyes. he was almost teary-eyed when he started to make his vow. i was touched. when my sister presented roses to the moms, i couldn't help but look up and take a deep breath to suck in all the potential tears that could burst out at church. everything was PERFECT. and i say that with a capital P. i said everything i wanted to in my toast. i danced the flapper dance performance with all my energy and enthusiasm. i witnessed the most beautiful wedding i have ever seen. i heeded the advice of the pastor who filled the room with his understanding of what true love meant. the feelings i have of my sister are overwhelming and indescribly passionate. i love her. looking through some old childhood pictures, i cannot but think that we grew up under the same roof, ate the same food, learned the same lessons in life, fought the same fights, and now, look, she's married...maybe i'm feeling jealous, because it almost hurts to know that she's no longer going to be the person who i can share new kiddish moments with again....but she'll always be my sister. that i know. every time i thought about the words for her toast, i was left feeling really emotional, almost deep in tears. i couldn't come up with the right words to say to her until two hours prior. maybe that's what it was....something spontaneously that just came from my heart. my friends told me those were the best speeches, but boy did that stress me out. sigh. but somehow it flowed...it just came out and it touched on every corner of thought i had in my mind.

sometimes, there are things worth working hard for, worth fighting for.

the pau kids had choreographed a flapper-like dance performance to the song from the musical chicago. with costumes, makeup, and every prop that was necessary, i think we ended up with the most applause in the end. that wasn't really the point though. the performance was more of a gift for the married couple. the story began when we were all younger. there's six pau kids. a small group, but definitely big enough to cause trouble among each other. living so close in vicinity, we grew up sharing some fond memories that i can do nothing but cherish forever. we'd get together and come up with our little skits, dances, shows (the pau show, more specifically), to share with our parents; that was pretty much the only means for us little munchkins to make some cash for bubble gum at that age---like 50 cents per person? =) moments like that were small, but HUGE in life. and with that tradition, we continued it at the wedding reception to bless the married couple, that we grew up young and playful together. the dance was not easy. the beads of sweat could tell the story. driving home tuesday, i had literally three days to learn and perfect the choreography. it was fast. we had to be in sync. i argued with my cousins, wanting to pull out. i didn't feel like i had the strength and technique to perfect it in front of 250 people. but when i was reminded of its purpose, i knew it was not for me to look good, but for me to bless my sister in a special way. perspective. funny.

august third left me learning more about love and about relationships than i had thought. how it's done, that's what my sister and michael taught me. how two people can be in love with each other, and no one needed to interfere. how two people can work for something even through long distance, to make effort to be with each other still. how two people can accept the other's differences and find their differences in opinion endearing. how the guy can protect the girl and never say anything negative about her. how the girl can stand by his side when he finds himself in moments of trouble. how two people can lift each other up without even working for it. how they look at each other, and the love story is told.

it was a moment that opened the eyes of my heart...that hopeless romantic in me that left me feeling completely satisfied and completely filled with love from witnessing my sister and michael's wedding. the radiance of her smile, the sparkling in her eyes, the truth that filled the room...she motivated her lilsista to step outside the box.

she was sitting there, looking forward; he was looking back behind the centerpiece. they made eye contact. their eyes were smiling; she felt it. a glass was raised. another followed. before words were spoken, she caught a glimpse of him for support. when she walked pass him, she brushed her arm across his back. a kiss was blown in that direction. there was chemistry on the dance floor; he managed to keep up. they slowed dance. his hand was over hers and placed close to his chest. as they swayed side by side, she lipped the words to the song. he was staring back at her. relatives were leaving; friends were gone. he had been moving around the whole day; finally, they had a moment to forget about what was happening in the world and to cherish the moment. he put this arm around her, to protect her, to keep her next to him. she couldn't deny it; she needed him by her side. no one has ever made her feel this way; she clung on closer. her eyes almost looked scared? he kissed her forehead.

it opened the eyes of my heart.