A House Full of Friends
We cannot grow alone. We are all interconnected, and we need one another. We grow only as each part does its work. Jesus Himself needed the extended family of believers to fill a gap for Him. As He hung on the cross in agony, knowing His death was close, He looked out into the crowd and saw His beloved mother. His pain in seeing her pain must have been overwhelming. With a broken heart and eyes filled with tears, He gazed tenderly at her. And then He saw the disciple whom He loved standing nearby. Jesus said to His mother, "Dear woman, here is your son," and to the disciple, "Here is your mother." From that time on, this disciple took her into his home. John, Jesus' beloved disciple, became a son in Mary's extended family. He filled the gap that Jesus left when He died. Yes, God created us to live in a family. And so we shall.

It's half past one, I have a little less than seven hours of sleep if I ended right here. Yet, I find myself overwhelmed with thoughts and emotions, doubts and fears, questions and answers. God has placed people into my life because I need to be taught, I need to be humbled, and I need to be held accountable. Some make me laugh; some make me cry. Some I learn from or deter from. Why can one be so proud, another so bitter, and third so strong? These differences among each and everyone of us make us a family of colors, of strengths and weaknesses---that without the challenges, we cannot be taught.

I walked into a room and found a group of people who I was asked to identify as my brothers and sisters. This room, previously so foreign, became something I had to learn and grasp and follow. I saw her weakness, his pain, their happiness, and my struggle. Somehow although I had been on my own all this time, I existed more than as just an independent entity, but more as his lesson to overcome confusion, her lesson to deal with reality, and their lesson to face the challenge. These lessons---nobody, including myself, knew I had been teaching. At the same time, she was teaching ME a lesson of humility; he was teaching me loyalty; they were teaching me commitment. To learn, you must want to be taught...I remember one who said: "Learn from the mistakes of others: you can't live long enough to make all the mistakes yourself." I always knew this was a world of relationships. Whether good or bad, it just is. I did not choose to interact with them because they were among the best, but we established relationships because God wanted it that way. He did not mean to pursue, she did not mean to bear, i did not mean to hurt. Yet somehow, amidst all this learning and needing of each other, our love for God has grown in spite of all the tests of faith. We grow because God wanted us to grow. We fellowship because that it is our opportunity to be a witness. And so I continue to pray for serenity, to accept the things we cannot change; for courage, to confront the difficulties that lay ahead; and for wisdom, to distinguish between the right and the wrong.

I am a sinner in search of His grace. You have been placed into my life because it had been a promise to help me learn from you.

independence, it sure feels good.
last week was quite a week. a little too much for even the drama queen in me. the only blessed day was when i did my pocky dance =), and of course C giving me plenty of jokes and making me feel loved =). would i be ungrateful if i said, "that's about it"...?

the truth was, my cup was running dry. i had nothing to offer and i tried too hard in doing so. i was hungry, yet i lacked motivation to be fed. why is that? i can know what the answer is, yet, at the same time, do nothing about it to exercise that fact. it finally caught up to me last week.

instead of spending friday night at the lilo and stitch movie, i found a broken heart in need of some attention. i catered to this heart, got some work done, and went to bed at a presumably late hour, considering that i had hoped to turn in super early that night. the next morning, i found myself bonding with my friend M on the train ride to ny. coming here, i never really had a chance to bond with her in that way until now; we were both struggling to settle into a new environment, handle our jobs, and find our community asap. the 1.75 hour train ride seemed like a breeze as we shared some deepest darkest secrets; oh wait, that was me monopolizing the conversation again....in that case, possibly many made it into the conversation we shared. we click. we really do.

aside from all the running around, missing T during dinner, and feeling pain on my ankle again, i did get to catch up with my friend A. i haven't seen him since the beginning of my move here to the east coast. 6-foot, that's what i call him. as a friend who has known me for the past, what, 12 years, i can honestly say that he is someone who can read accurately well. but this time, i read him...=)...i don't remember seeing his smile so big, his thoughts so passionate, and his heart so real. yep, he's dating again. it adds so much more to our conversation, so it seems. i'm happy for him. do you remember being excited for someone because that person was so passionate about what he believed in that you can almost tangibly feel the power exuding from him? it made me really happy to see my friend smile.

omigosh.
i am so blessed.
my friend says a mental picture of me doing a funny pocky dance comes to mind.
can you picture it? =)

do you know what mopiko is?
just one of the reasons why i wonder if people here will ever understand who i really am.

my infatuation with dracula.
i remember watching that movie back in the days with my girlfriends. somehow, seductively and sadistically speaking, when gary sucks winona's blood, i can almost feel that intensifying exchange of life and soul myself. Maybe the idealistic girl in me can just suspend herself in disbelief, that moments of being completely vulnerable and still so giving (even to the last drop of life) to an eternal being of control...of course overwhelmed with passion...can be so enticing even for full submission. it's so sexy! so yes, i have romanticized the idea of being double-hole-punched on the side of my neck, while losing blood through, obviously, a slow and painful death.

i felt it yesterday morning. not that giving blood was a form of real-life dracula scenario, but spending more than 30 minutes on that bed while others usually only take between 5-20 minutes to donate a pint, i felt the need to romanticize AND justify my situation a bit. Four people who were poked later left earlier. The nurse, getting somewhat impatient, intermittenly pranced around the side of my bed, asking if I was okay and telling me that i was doing a great job. Doing a great job? I was thinking...I wasn't even DOING anything, but lying there, completely lifeless and motionless. it was my first time. okay, being 23 already, i'm considered late in being a good humanitarian---only because when ARC had their blood drives, i was always living at home and my ultra-traditional chinese parents always worried that my blood donation would make me lose my memory or energy for the upcoming midterms and finals. alas, i'm on my own and an opportunity arises. trust me, i've always wanted to donate and i've explained to my parents how great it'd be to cleanse my system, but somehow, yesterday morning, i was nervous...extremely nervous. to my friend sitting right beside me, i whispered: "i'm really scared." a girl who had been drained for the last 15 minutes turned her head around, smiled and said: "awww....don't be." i felt so ridiculously young.

while still lying on that bed, i suddenly saw my friend M wanting to faint. Instantly 6 doctors rushed to her...wow! talk about quality care! my friend A was still her hyper high-energy self...i was thinking: "what is wrong with YOU?" after drinking my can of oj and eating a granola bar, A told me to tie a knot with my straw wrapper and try to pull it apart, while thinking about a person in mind. If the knot from the wrapper comes undone, then ooh-la-la...that person is currently thinking about me. why was i nervous even for that? i don't know...not enough blood, i think. but yes, the knot came undone. =)

the rest of the day, i ended up sleeping for the most part, with occasional bursts of sweats and headaches. totally drained, totally lifeless....totally not so romantic afterall. with my friday night plans wasted (not that i had much anyways), i was growing weary of my boredom in that little tiny room of mine. My pet dogs theodore and westley (decided to rename them) kept me companied, but they were taking too much space on my bed! so even with that somewhat gaunt-like complexion, i decided to take the advice of D and seize such a great movie deal at y-film society even at 10pm. i strolled downstairs to watch insomnia. good movie, i'd recommend it. a bit predictable at times, but definitely a clever suspense thriller.

i came back home around midnight. it being friday night and many grads ended up going to the local pub for a latin party (something i had to give up because of my good humanitarian efforts that day), i went to take a shower instead. unfortunately, the whole floor was pretty quiet and the lights were dimly lit in the bathroom. although they were motion-sensored, it took several minutes! for the lights to turn on. i swear, taking a shower with the dim lights and a sudden flash of real lights several minutes later, added to the fact that i had JUST watched a hair-raising psychological thriller...Not fun. falling asleep with the computer on, lights on, stuffed animals snugged tightly beside me...i was indeed missing home.

painting.
while spending time painting in the area of italy known as tuscany, she became accustomed to seeing grape vines growing on the hillsides. accustomed is such a relative word. the older gnarled vines were beautiful to sketch, as she had been told, because of their knotty twists and bends. over the course of time, the winds, rains, and sun---the weathering effects of the seasons---had forced their shapes. the most luscious growth came from these rugged old vines...grapes so heavy and bountiful they seemed to invite people to pick them. but why could she not see it? instead, she glanced into another vineyard where young plants which had suffered no ill effects of nature at all were grown. although they offered no particular beauty or character and were hardly worthy of her pencil or paintbrush, she was drawn to the simplicity of it all.

that old vine caught her eye again today. although at one point, from the winds and rains of adversity came abundant growth and a beautiful vine worth painting, she had deceived herself, thinking that that was clarity and that she was a natural, courageous painter. but in fact, when she lifted that paintbrush, she couldn't today...oh, deception. "where does her vineyard truly grow?"

life of student.
i don't remember staying up so late to do work...2:30 am and my mind was still cranking away. thanks to JEP...people who i found online at that time provided a few insights of their own in sharpening my mind for an inclass debate the following morning. i had to turn down personal chats with JPL because of my overbursting schedule of commitments. but still, not only does little beauty rest affect my probable pleasantness and approachability, but also the efficiency in storing enough information and my delivery of that information. i had originally wanted to see if M was online because his experience on pharmaceuticals would probably give me a heads-up on the secrets and loopholes of certain points i had not come across; but alas, he was not on! all in all, the debate went exceedingly well, although i still think i was assigned to be on the more difficult front. serving as the "devil's advocate" was quite intimidating and challenging, but nevertheless engaging...somehow it almost made me feel smart. if anything i'm learning here, it's the idea to confidently handle my opinions without taking things personally, and yet, delivering with subtance...simply put, the argument needs to be meaty.


i would like to believe that i have a heart like Mary's, one that stops to listen whenever the opportunity arises. I am afraid though, that I probably come much closer to being like Martha. Hurrying about, planning, preparing, fixing, organizing, making lists, and worrying. Will it all get done? "It" can be anything from doing the laundry to practicing the guitar. these thoughts can overtake me during church (esp. when i lack motivation in these new places), while having my devotions, in the midst of prayer---almost anywhere, the still, small voice of Him can be drowned out by the shouts of living in the sunset of the 21st century. I still believe that all this planning, preparing, and organizing is important. i believe it is important to Him. afterall, i am trying to be faithful to do well the tasks He has set before me. i need to remember, though, that by far the most important thing i can do is to take time to sit at His feet and really listen.

someone pondered his existence in working/running with the pact yesterday. i couldn't offer much except a somewhat blunt (almost insensitive) response. =( i apologize. but can i offer a story to lighten the spirits, maybe? work should always be associated with joy....the story is told of three women washing clothes. a passerby asked each what she was doing.
"washing clothes" was the first answer.
"a bit of household drudgery" was the second.
"i'm mothering three young children who someday will find important and useful spheres in life, and wash-day is a part of my grand task in caring for these souls who shall live forever" was the third.
ordinary work, which is what most of us do most of the time, is ordained every bit as much as is the extraordinary. all work done for Him is spiritual work and therefore not merely a duty but a holy privilege....

why.
i sat in class pondering who was still listening to what i had to say. i don't get much of a response nowadays, which makes me wonder how much of what i say or whine about is really all that important. it wasn't so much of me having low self-esteem, but just a curiosity. although i knew it was not a reflection of who i was, it did leave a somewhat bitter aftertaste in my mouth. but why? i ask myself. why was it so necessary for me to hold on to existing or nonexisting friendships? p reminded me that in order to have friends, i had to be one myself.

the truth was, i haven't made much of an effort to really extend myself outside my little world. even online, i haven't initiated many conversations. last night, both J and A did and well, even though i was swamped with a heavy workload, it made me realize that someone was curious of how i was doing. there is just so much for me to learn from them. so, alas, the world is not about me or my heart, and especially not my mind. it never has been and it never will be. i know my passion has been the driving force for many things i do in life, and where does it all come from? so what about my melodramatic insights, the dynamic rides with emotion, and the questioning of truth and failure? they haven't changed. but my focus has. it can be easy for me to gaze at my worries while i only glance at Him. certain things need to be refocused. fixing my eyes at the right place somehow takes away the weariness in my heart.

catching up made me smile.
i think i gave a brief synopsis of my past weeks within one hour. of course, i monopolized again. i seem to always do that.

A challenged me on accountability. i liked that. without a set goal in mind, i know myself, it would be extremely easy to neglect my responsibilities. her maturity and calm composure have always been characteristics of an effective role model.

C noticed my positivity in our conversation. that really brightened my evening; in fact, it made me chuckle inside. without knowing it, i was not complaining or whining, but the truth of what my heart was saying somehow lightened my mindset. my mentality has been softened since the beginning i tried to give so many tests....more importantly, however, when C told me about her insecurities, it made me laugh. when we laugh at something, we are in essence saying, "i identify with that!" when someone stands up and shares all his/her faults and foibles, we laugh and love him/her for it. "whoever says laughter isn't healing just hasn't hurt enough." laughter does not mean we are ignoring pain, living in denial, or just not aware of the troubles around us...for me, laughter is how we take a much-needed break from the insecurity, such that when we turn to face it again, it has by some miracle grown smaller in size and intensity, if not disappeared altogether. the parallels that C and i go through are indeed moving side by side. but i can sense that we are both growing. such a simple conversation has filled my cup, and i don't think she even realized that. *smile

Jimmy Fallon, my new idol...okay not really.
he is so hilarious though. when i first bought the stand-up/concert ticket, i wasn't completely sure if i wanted to see him. he's funny and he's entertaining, but those were the times when my eyelids were growing heavy and my entertainment capacity was being satisfied by other SNL folks. frriday nite, he was entertaining the yalies at the woosley auditorium.

it was meant to be an undergrad event, but alas, my two partners in crime found ways to get tickets. =) he impersonated several different actors, but what was most entertaining was his ability to impersonate artists with his talent to play surprisingly well on his guitar. i was laughing the whole time. he also made the joke that you can sing practically ANY 80s song to the rap song of MCHammer's can't touch this in the background. to be honest, not only did it work, but it worked well. i wished T and A were able to make it, but they decided to stay in ny that weekend. maybe because i haven't really gone out and maybe because i haven't really allowed myself to experience the new haven culture, but getting out with my two girlfriends that night really cheered me up. my sprained ankle and pulled ligament were definitely creating havoc down under, but hey, gotta work hard, play hard, right?

so even though my foot is VERY annoying, i have found plenty of time to practice on my taka....so i guess it was worth the sacrifice. thanks to dC for teaching me a C-chord shortcut, i've been able to transition from chord to chord, while strumming! ahh! i'm not longer just making noise, but i'm producing something close to being called music.

while things are slowly adjusting, certain things i continue to struggle with, especially my direction. it becomes a great setback for me when i am left alone, so it seems, stressing and looking for a home that teaches about Him. i am losing motivation. i can feel it. i have no desire to check out places that are super traditional, with people worshipping in such an archaic way that it sometimes seem like even my parents would have a problem with it. am i becoming too busy at school to enjoy my relationship with Him? have certain instances taunted my idea of what..faith, walk, fellowship...all mean? have others contributed to this or is it just me? a challenge that He has so timely placed in my timetable...sometimes i wonder if i will have the stamina to make it through. losing the exuberant passion i once had can be discouraging, but i guess i haven't given up yet.

don't get me wrong...there are fellowships and churches for me to explore, but somehow there's something missing in each one. the location? the pastor? the people? why do i compare? having an open heart for what is to come is actually a lot more challenging than i anticipated. maybe it's fear...fear that i might one day forget all the good memories that i once had. but then again, i never did, even when things ended with the greatest of all disappointments, i never forgot the at-one-time-pleasant-memories that seem to stay vivid in my mind and my heart. why then do i worry? i worry about my existing friendships. i worry about my indebtedness---not only financially, but emotionally. i worry about my inability to provide a shoulder to those i love back at home and vice versa. i worry about sincerity (or lack thereof). i am growing hungry for Him again, but just where do i start?

the two minutes of silence. why did it feel so long?
images of 9/11 still evoke those feelings i had a year ago. attending the memorial service early this morning, i tried not to cry. i did not know anyone directly involved in this tragedy, but somehow, i can still sense the pain and heartache that have sunken deep into the crevices of all the broken hearts that were in that room; fear still lingers. last year V, P, and i made our own candlelight vigil along the brick wall of my parents' home. this year, courtesy of d, it again became an honest reflection for me.

we live in a world gone ugly, one that was created perfect but now suffers the ravages of sin: death, violated relationships, disabilities and deformities, disease, terror...chaos. It is, unfortunately, a broken world. It is one thing to shake our heads at the mess the world is in; it is quite another to confront the reality of it in our own lives. One layer away, it is sad. But when it hits us, it is ominous.

it seems as if the storm has become our way of life when we are right in the middle of it all. we cannot see a way out. we are unable to chart a course back to smoother waters. we feel defeated---and broken. will that brokenness produce cynicism that will forever keep us in the mire of "if only" thinking? or will we yield up that brokenness to the resources of One who calms the winds and the waves, heals the brokenhearted and forgives the most grievous of sins? The choice is, indeed, ours.

just need to breathe.

1st memorable weekend with new additions to my room.
1.) clothespins. (not for laundry) *grin
2.) Theodore.
3.) Taka. Black gloss. Built-in Tuner. Acoustic/electric. SKB. although i sprained my ankle after trekking 3.8 miles (too long!) in my flip-flops to bring it home, it was well worth it. Gotta give her (or him) a name...

Trinity Baptist Church.
what a small world. without even putting much thought into the churches i was visiting, i saw jLee's roommate again after 3.5 years. too funny. we almost couldn't recognize each other. i can't say i'm completely comfortable in this new setting, however. it must be a New England thing because all the churches have a more traditional style in leading service. although it was incredibly encouraging to know several people there, i think i still need to be patient with this church-shopping business. unlike my time in SF when things just seemed to happen naturally, i'm learning how to be patient---not just about finding the right place for sundays---but with many other things in life. i've just recently learned that even if two pieces seem to fit together nicely, it's up to Him to decide if they will fit together in the first place. maybe i'm not living in a world of idealism, but more in a world of expectations. happiness only comes when it is reality minus expectations.

calling out for snail mail.
so here i am, opening up my box everyday and sadly enough, wahhh!

so did you know that my school has the largest gym in the whole world? with gothic architecture on this 9-story building, along with an indoor swimming pool i've ALWAYS wanted, i call it my earthly heaven. now whether or not i go and workout there is another story. =) i'm beginning to feel comfortable in this new environment. it's the best when it's not raining because i can go outside, but still, either way, i think He is really teaching me how to handle being myself out here. i've learned quite a few things about my school since i've been out here...for instance:
- the architecture of the library is like a cathedral because the architect believed that only famous ones design cathedrals
- one of the presidents had a dream that he was talking to God in every language possible, but God ultimately didn't open the passageway to heaven for him; he wondered why...and he finally learned that it was because he couldn't speak Hebrew. So for a while, the students here had to take mandatory two years of Hebrew.
- my school got its name not because it was the founder's last name...like some ivy-league-wannabe cardinals out on the west coast! =P (i think i'm asking for some comments on this one...*grin). just kidding! Jeremy Dummer was the founder...and unfortunately, we did not want to be called the Dum Dummies around here. haha. i saw his name engraved on the marble walls (broken up by overlaid tracery) of the undergrad residential complexes that one rainy monday. my girlfriends and i were sneaking around the cavernous spaces and passageways of the masonry buildings simply to purchase tickets to a jimmy fallon standup...yay! =) i come from the sheltered city of irvine and well, it is just nothing like it here. the undergrads have it so great...the dinning halls are even prettier than my dormitory.

He has really humbled me while being here. everyday, He is revealing an answer to my prayers...whether it is something i am totally excited about or not, my mind is so clear and my decisions are so black and white. it gives me reassurance when i know that He will provide wherever/whatever i choose to do. it's funny because all that i was anxious and worried about, i think i've found a sense of peace for each matter, whether it be relationship, career, family, or new haven...time. in due time.

classes will be challenging. i was sitting in my health policy course, a little intimidated, yet thinking how engaging it would have been if Ml, Mc, Dl, Af, Ds, Ec, and Jh were all part of this class...these have always been interesting minds for me to pick. =) but at the same time, my greatest appreciation go out to D for his expertise in finding the best deals....oh, the fixings of a poor gradstudent. thanks to my buddies J, P, F, and A for calling me...it makes me feel like i'm taking advantage of the unlimited minutes deal for my cell phone plan! thanks for mr. nyce guy for making me feel oh-so gullible...=P. but most importantly, He has totally hooked me up. although still on my ice cream fast, i attended a dessert night sponsored by the campus fellowship here, meeting a few people of different disciplines and different ethnicities. who knows where this may go, but it's a start...i finally found a sense of comfort in being more of myself here. being a witness to others, reflecting the little knowledge of what i know as a christian, being questioned on my faith and identity, and simply being the idealistic person that i am, i daresay that.......i just might be okay...

lessons only the closest friends teach.
i live in an idealistic world. everything and everyone seem to be so perfect, so genuine, so real. the world is not ugly, per se, but without some of my closest friends, i may still be in my own little world. =)